The Twelve Days of Gheorghemas: Day Eleven, All the Filler That Was Fit to Print

On the eleventh day of Gheorghemas, Big Gheorge gave to me

Eleven Months of Gheorgheness

10 Awesome Auction Items and Much Much More!
Nine things worth dancing over
3 Genetic Tests on day 8.5
Eight Things I'm Thankful For
Seven Books for Reading
Six Top Episodes of Ted Lasso
Five Beers and Tunes
Four Resolutions
Three Gheorghemas Gifts to Give Yourself
Two Stones of Weight Loss (Your Mileage May Vary)

and Running Gags with Quatro Kitties

I got a text from my man Z earlier in the week, informing me that The New York Times had purchased The Athletic for $550m. I told him I'd sell G:TB for 0.1% of that amount (we're more profitable, to boot). "$550k split 6-9 ways is a nice windfall," he said. "We really do have good content. When we try."

That "when" is doing a lot of work, but he's not wrong. Let's take a trip back through the first 11 months of the Gheorghian year, shall we?

January

We dropped a solid 251 posts this year, coming off 258 in 2020. The pandemic, it seems, is good for content creation, if nothing else. The first month of the year was our most prolific, with 27.

Z and I started the year with musical collages about very different topics.

Then we went on a run of political and policy commentary that started OBX Dave's endorsement of universal basic income and ended with Z's thoughts on the January 6 fuckery.

The Hoff put a bunch of stuff up for auction.

TR lost a bunch of weight.

Derrick Henry got the Z treatment.

Whitney copped to being a fornicator.

My uncle Hoopa retired.

Squeaky's first post was a heart-stopper.

I come from witches.

OBX Dave wrote on the Baseball Hall of Fame.

February

23 posts in the year's second month. Robust.

Randy Newman bit us again.

TR is a mathsplainer and his boys are gross.

We had some fun Mardi Gras content, which included a Les Coole/Ned Henry original.

Whitney's annual Rock and Roll Hall of Fame post dropped.

Kouign Amman for all my men.

OBX Dave tilted at Alden Capital's windmills.

March

We liked doing 23 posts in a month so much that we ran it back.

NJ Dave finally posted something.

First Wrenball post of the year was desultory. As the entire year of Wrenball has been.

More Les, this time with a Hampton Coliseum memorial.

I pulled off the second greatest feat of prognostication in history.

Fashion is Dumb made a triumphant return, as did the Teej.

Hot Diggity Dog!

April

We worked pretty hard in the first quarter, so we slowed it down to a walk - 19 posts for the month.

Daniel Bard overcame the yips.

A counterfactual, and the comments are fun.

Taylor Swift killed Prince Philip.

Z and Whit took very different approaches to writing about the COVID.

Whit showed us his homework.

Team TR made a decision to make a move.

The prologue episode of Rob Lasso went live. This series of recurring posts and the events that inspired them were among the most fun things I've done in the Gheorgheverse.

As did the first episode. (Not gonna link to all of them, promise.)

May

Just started drinking while working on this. It's grueling. We'll see how that affects the rest of the post. Of which there were 22 in May.

May 3 is a holiday of holidays, and thanks to Whit, we know it.

If we were to calculate the ratio of quality stuff to filler for each member of the G:TB staff, OBX Dave would rank first by a considerable measure. Here, he wrote about poop.

The NYT Mini makes me anxious.

Z won the Pinewood Derby.

OBX Dave is (was?) a callous douchebag.

Nate Knight belongs in the league.

In addition to being gross, TR's kid is a dickhead. I like that kid.

We lost Eric Carle.

Squeaky wrote about his first ten concerts. I'm confident I couldn't tell you what mine were.

June

Lotta filler in June. Must be a summer thing. Still, 25 posts made it our second most prolific month of the year.

Zman took us to a Jerzy wedding. There was ass clapping.

The first NOTify dropped.

Whitney taught us about being drunk. Not for the first time.

The season finale of Rob Lasso was a bit of a downer.

Z hipped us to ticks.

Tales from the dugout, courtesy of TR.

Z learned to drive.

I went to Boulder, looking for answers.

Like Voldemort, jorts are back. Voldejorts, anyone?

July

We eased off the gas and fully into summer in July. 21 posts, most of them ephemeral. Nonetheless:

G:TB offered its first NIL deal.

First WCSAGD of the year was for Juan Carlos. It's a beaut.

Towards a Unified Theory of Fuckery.

Z opined on gluttony.

Rootsy revealed an important secret.

August

Twenty-one more posts during the dog days. Good job, good effort.

TR walked it off.

Gotta post at least one Gheorgasbord in the 'best of' recap.

Z wants your shoe game to be better.

The first WFCSGAS went live. Poor Z got stuck with Norwich.

OBX Dave is the only one amongst us qualified to write about Miles Davis. Because he's old.

Requiem for a...cottage?

Cuisine is stupid.

@mandypatinktok @alaska_webb thank you for finding us and sharing this! ✨ Sending big love and light to you and yours. More in comments. #grieving #cancer #dads ♬ original sound - Mandy Patinkin and Kathryn G

Azzi Fudd, Paige Bueckers, and us. 

TR moves to Colorado, shits himself, feels right at home.

September

You know how when you're doing interval work and you bust your ass and then rest for a while? September was like the latter, a year-low 16 posts.

Miami Vice was a great show.

Whit brought the heat, sociologically speaking.

We were introduced to Big Dunc.

There was a lot of tennis (and some Tennys) around these parts during the U.S. Open. Z told us about Dylan Alcott.

My wife and I went to see Harry Styles. It was awesome.

October

A modest increase in level of effort, with 19 posts to start the final quarter of the year.

TR doesn't care for constipated princesses, Evan Hansen.

McRib, chomp.

OBX Dave considered the cephalopod.

There's a fucking world cup for balloon keepie-uppie. And it's amazing.

TR taught us about pet-eating coyotes.

Someone wrote about testicle baths. I'll give you one guess.

Pretty much the G:TB Prime Directive right here.

November

We were running out of gas, friends. 17 meager posts. Well, a few of them weren't meager.

The world lost the RemDog. Tooth hurty.

Up the Teej!

Z's hate for Roger Goodell is cathartic.

I am pessimistic about the future of the Republic. 

Whit celebrated Phil Collins. We all learned a few things.

And the big finale

That's a fitting coda to another trip around the sun. If you've made it this far, you're probably a bit drained, and so I'll not wax too lengthy. As the years pass, I'm more and more appreciative of this place, even if it isn't worth $550m - at least not in material terms. Ernie Johnson's message is one to live by: love you, too, Gheorghies.

Glad Tidings

The eleventh day of Gheorghemas will grace your gleeful existences before the end of the weekend (but not before the release of the new Weeknd), but to tide you over, we've got a story that'll make you want to party like it's 1999, or at Ground Zero. Whatever one does when the world's end is nigh,

We're a deeply unserious people, and most of the time I'm cool with that. Whimsy is our stock in trade, after all. But one would think that we'd be paying more attention to the news that came out of the American Geophysical Union's (AGU) annual meeting in December. (Doesn't help that most Republicans hate unions and science - doubly whammy.)

Researchers presented findings at the AGU suggesting that the Thwaites glacier in Antarctica is deteriorating so rapidly that it might collapse completely as soon as three years from now.

Thwaites, what?

That big bastard is 80 miles wide and over 3,000 meters deep. It's known in scientific circles as the Doomsday Glacier, because of a belief that its demise could set in motion a climatic cycle that might result in the collapse of the entire Antarctic glacial shelf, and with it a radical reshaping of the global climate. Now, researchers from the International Thwaites Glacier Collaboration (ITGC) - which is a terrible name for a band - believe that we're irreversibly headed that way.

Among other outcomes, scientists believe that the collapse of Thwaites could raise global sea levels by as much as two feet, which would swamp coastal habitats around the world. And since Thwaites is an influential sort of fella (I assume glaciers are dudes. Hard to really check.) it's possible that it'll drag neighboring glaciers with it as it melts from above and below, which could raise sea levels by as much as ten feet. We'd better get as much OBFT joy in as possible over the next couple of years, and I wouldn't recommend investing in real estate in Miami, if I were you.

It's the end of the world as we know it, friends. And I feel fine, if slightly hungover.

They're Tearin' the Buick City Complex Down

The Gheorghian calendar, influenced as it always is by a combination of lunar position, grain harvest, and Romanian weather, extends this year into the early days of the new Gregorian year. Which gives me an opportunity to highlight the best opening line of any song in the modern era. 

In turn, that song, "Buick City Complex" by Old 97's, in all its wistful longing for an era that won't return, is the soundtrack for today's interlude.

Even when I visited her for the first time in 1997, Conneaut Lake Park had seen much better days. The resort/amusement park opened in 1892, and in her day, she attracted Pittsburgh's upwardly mobile families, who rode her rides, played on the beach, and stayed in the grand Hotel Conneaut. A gorgeous carousel opened in 1899, and in 1938, the park's signature roller coaster, The Blue Streak, opened in 1938. It was one of the largest wooden coasters in America at the time.

I had occasion to visit the park because of my wife's family's long and winding history with the place. Her grandfather was the original owner of The Blue Streak, among several other amusements within the park's boundaries. Her father's uncle owned the carousel, which is a source of long-standing inter-familial jealousy. That's not what this story is about.

When I visited with my then-girlfriend in July 1997, the park and hotel had slid towards the seedy side. Most rides were in various states of disrepair. The Pittsburgh scenesters had long ago found more modern and sophisticated places to vacation. The hotel air conditioning went out one night, which would've been manageable but for the 95 degree temperatures and high humidity.

But a roller coaster is a roller coaster, especially a wooden one that was likely rickety on its very best day. The Blue Streak was a bone-rattling out and back, and honest, fast, and loud coaster that relied on gravity and tight turns and none of that fancy stuff. It was simple fun.

We went back a couple more times after that first visit. During the last one, my eldest daughter got terrified on the kiddie coaster and several of our party got marooned in the lake when the pontoon boat we rented blew an engine. In retrospect, these were omens.

After years of steady decline, which included several convenient fires that claimed different buildings and attractions, the property was sold in bankruptcy for $1.2m. The buyer is trying hard to quash rumors that they intend to shitcan the park and develop homes on the land. 

That got harder today when a "controlled burn" near The Blue Streak got out of hand and badly damaged the legendary coaster. It's now scheduled for demolition. My wife let out an audible gasp when she saw the news on the interwebs. 

Our chronicles of the decline of American institutions are usually limited to the news media and William & Mary hoops. But in every domain, time marches on, taking with it the temporary that our ancestors thought permanent. I think we're the only people left in town.

The Twelve Days of Gheorghemas: Day 10

On the 10th Day of Gheorghe-mas, Gheorghey Gave To Me:

10 Awesome Auction Items and Much Much More!
Nine things worth dancing over
3 Genetic Tests on day 8.5
Eight Things I'm Thankful For
Seven Books for Reading
Six Top Episodes of Ted Lasso
Five Beers and Tunes
Four Resolutions
Three Gheorghemas Gifts to Give Yourself
Two Stones of Weight Loss (Your Mileage May Vary)
and Running Gags with Quatro Kitties

We are now a year removed from 2020 which sucked we can all agree. Lots of badness including the death of both of the 'rents, but off to a better place they went. Pretty sure anyway. With all that came with it, there was much to figure out for my sibs and I during the latter half of the year. Nursing homes, check. Hospice care, check. Med dispensing machines, check. The value of my mom's OCD and how maybe we shouldn't have given her so much flack for it over the years, check. 

Pantry - organized to military standards. Closets - same. Belongings of value had corresponding receipts in a designated file. Wall prints had been labeled behind the frame with date of purchase and which child was to take it home after everything was said and done. Ditto on jewelry. So though it was annoying AF growing up (because she was always cleaning, organizing, being busy), it sure did make things easy upon their passing. It was a great lesson - my bride & I are fairly buttoned up but my mom & dad's standards which are of HOF ilk, we're on the JV team.

They lived in a pretty small home for the last 15 years or so. Collecting things was not their m.o....exactly the opposite. But even then and after the kids leaving with their respective heirlooms, there was still an abundance of anything you'd find in and around a house. Furniture, televisions, tools, clothes, a car, tchotchkes, and more tchotchkes, food, liquor!

Loads of clothes, which by comparison standards weren't "loads", shoes, were put in bags and given to Hospice or Goodwill. I sold what I could on Nextdoor - fridge, freezer, grill, a few rugs. I sold that car I mentioned, and a riding lawn mower with all the fixins. But, even after all of that, I am here right now to tell you that there were still a few truckloads worth of housewares - big, small, and in-between.

In the months leading up to our d-day, one of my sisters and I did our own exploratory research on options. She gets the pat of the back for identifying a good one. Should you live in or within a drivable distance of Northern Virginia and have a need to downsize or get rid of everything in your home or god forbid, a parents', or if you are one of those folks that likes to surf auction sites or pop in to flea markets, do I have the site for you. GTB'rs...COME ON DOWN!!!!

As a seller, there is a $2500 minimum commitment to the auctioneer, or a %'age of the value of the sold items, whichever is more. They will come to your house, photo everything and I mean everything, label it, and catalog it on their site for auction time. The auction is like everything else these days - online. They set a date and a timeline of say 6 hours. A pick-up date and time window is also set, for ours it was a few days after the auction. 

We estimated we'd sell enough goods to recoup that minimum, barely. And we did. But frankly, if the worst-case was coming out of pocket a few hundred bucks or even a thousand for them to come and take care of the aforementioned, it would still have been a non-decision for us. If you've ever held a garage sale, you learn quickly that those possessions you hold near and dear to your heart and may at one time have been relatively valuable go for pennies on the dollar.  

We did search other avenues to get rid of everything, and yes we did give plenty away if anyone is giving me a judgmental stink eye right now. Sure there were still some things left to give away, throw out, or take home but all in all, this process given all else that had to be dealt with - was close to blissful. 

Since that time, I've been a frequent visitor to the site. If you are registered, which I am as a past seller, you can elect to receive updates on upcoming auctions via text. For you NOVA-ites, I'd hop aboard - you just might find some good gets. 

On Friday of this past week, EZBidders sent out a notification of an auction to begin that day from an estate in Leesburg. I checked it out - it was billed as "Best Auction of the Year!" - and it was and still is, not ending until Wednesday. Whether you bid on anything or not, it's worth a 30 minute surf. 

I'm sure one of you vintage audiophiles, Mr. KQ perhaps, has been looking for one of these old TV/Radio/Cassette jobs...well, if you had been an EZbidder registrant a couple of months ago, this could be sitting in your garage or in a basement corner at this very moment. Somebody picked this up for for seven bucks.  

Many of these items shown above & below were all a sold at a Manassas estate sale a couple of weeks ago. You could have been there. I acknowledge the samples here may not whet the whistle of our discerning GTB'rs, but if you become a frequent visitor you will for sure find something right up your alley. Often times you will find record collections, speakers, turntables, guitars, piano's.

Pat Buckley Moss (artist) fan? Never hear of Pat Moss? We grew up with her sorta. My mother had a couple dozen of her prints including this one below. I don't know how the hell she became such a super fan of hers but she was, and we sold several of the old prints on the site. Of course at least one each was relegated by Bevvy, to her kids. That is what she wanted, and I have mine hung in a room that collects all the old prints and hangings that don't fit anywhere else in the house, but do have some meaning. 

Plentiful and wicked affordable manly items - toolboxes, yard tools, ladders, electric flashlights, hoe's! rakes, air compressors, weed eaters, nails, screws, nuts AND bolts!!!!...Crazy Eddie says prices are....INSAAAAANE!!!! Had I known of this site years ago before accumulating garage wares, I'd have been all over it. 

Ever see a $1.00 piano? Now ya have...

Did someone ask, "well what about hats for an entire little league team?" I'd say...."sure thing!" Eleven tan baseball hats asking $11.00. 

Nazi Helmet? Got it!

How about this mid-century James Bond'ish decanter set....

As mentioned, just about very auction has without fail plenty of records, audio equipment - turntables, cassette players, speakers, CDeez, and the like....I hope this site reaps some fruit for some of ya's...

I've been partial to the guys here...is it too late to 'pologize? Silverware, Jewelry, hair dryers. The Leesburg auction is a must visit for the ladies, or if one of you mates wants to take a flyer on an anniversary present. The seller I imagine to be an international woman of mystery with discerning taste and the means. State department/CIA perhaps. Loads of art, gold and diamond studded jewelry, shoes, sunglasses, watches. These shades are Fendi's...Perhaps Mrs. Russell would appreciate? Opera glasses - I'll say these are a first for me at EZbidders. With this auction ending at 7pm EST this evening - you may be able to get the pair here for about fifteen clams. 

This is just one of a few shoe lots listed by our Leesburg lassie...

Artwork...sure...plenty, including this keeper, "Antique Oil Painting of Nobleman" - Relined Canvas. $31 at this writing.

Am looking forward to hopping on here later tonight to see what fetches what. In the last hour & minutes prior to close time, and as you'd expect, bidding wars commence though in very small increments.

While in these wormholes, you'll get to know a little bit the sellers. I can't help but put a story together with each, and that story normally involves some pain and suffering. Like with the Leesburg lass, my take is that she's alive & well but ready for the next chapter in a smallish home or condo. If she has children, and I don't think she does, she does not want them or another loved one, perhaps a sibling, to have to deal with all of this unexpectedly. Regardless, she's acknowledged that "it's time". 

Most of the other auctions were like ours I believe - children getting their parents out of their home and into something manageable, or worse. Regardless, I can hear the person or persons picking up each item and having the conversation with himself or with his sibling - "Are we really going to get rid of this...This was insert reason why it was important or sentimental here." And the answer, sometimes a little more gut wrenching than others, is "Yes". 

  

The Twelve Days Of Gheorghemas: Day Nine

On the ninth day day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me:

Nine things worth dancing over

3 Genetic Tests on day 8.5

Eight Things I'm Thankful For

Seven Books for Reading

Six Top Episodes of Ted Lasso

Five Beers and Tunes

Four Resolutions

Three Gheorghemas Gifts to Give Yourself

Two Stones of Weight Loss (Your Mileage May Vary)

and Running Gags with Quatro Kitties

While the original musical inspiration for the 12 Days of Gheorghemas had nine ladies dancing, that comes too close to conjuring up images of noodie (as Zman would type) bars in North Jersey.  So instead, Big Gheorghe in all his wisdom focused on highlighting a few things that are worthy of breaking into a little happy dance.  Maybe not Alfonso Riberio Shirtless happy, but here are 9 things that in 2021 might make you happy. 

1. 8.47 BILLION Vaccinations Administered globally:

The politicizing of vaccines both here in the US and in other countries is frustrating, but it is worth celebrating the fact that in 2021 novel new vaccine technologies were brought to market and ~9 billion shots were administered in 184 countries.  Distribution remains lopsided in favor of the wealthiest nations, but we are now administering close to 40 million doses a day and Bloomberg estimates that in another 4 months, 75% of the world population will have at least one does. That is worth celebrating as we look for the light at the end of the pandemic tunnel.  In addition,  as we get older and older, I unfortunately hear my self saying "fuck cancer" more and more often.  The developments in mRNA technologies could provide personalized cancer "vaccines" to target cancer cells.   If we can avoid killing each other, some serious health breakthroughs may be just around the corner.  

2. China Defeated Malaria:  Speaking of the treatment of infectious diseases, after 70 years of fighting malaria, China was successful in 2021 in eradicating the disease.  They went from having 30 million annual cases in 1940 to zero today.  China has been a leader in developing new technologies and providing government support to help stop mosquitos before they spread the disease.  Malaria remains a major global heath issue, with 241 million people being infected in 2020.  You don't have to trust China (or "chiner" as Donnie would say) however, between the roadmap they set out and the new malaria vaccine recently approved by the WHO, there is reason to be hopeful that malaria can be wiped out.  

3. The greatest use of a key change ever: This is so good....seriously I laugh every time.

4.Continued Developments In Space Travel and our Understanding of the Universe: This year a bunch of billionaires along with William Shatner and my wife's old boss shot themselves into space.  The US landed another rover on Mars and it generated oxygen.  There were additional discoveries about black holes and the origins of the universe.  Not bad for a world of people working from home.    Even if you are against plutocrats launching themselves into space, it remains pretty cool that if we can keep from killing ourselves  (anybody sense a theme?) that a true new age of space exploration may be just around the corner.  Plus, you can always take a page out of Elon Musk's playbook and make fun of Jeff Bezos for creating a rocket that looks like a turgid wang. 

5. Live Music Returns:  While I'm not the live music aficionado that some denizens of this backwater of the internet are, I have missed live music a lot during the pandemic.  Little did Whit, Rob & I know back in March of 2020 that the DBT/Carbon Leaf weekend would be the last in person shows we would see in a while.  Jazz Fest did not happen this year, but I have been back to Wolf Trap, the 9:30 Club and our local Tally Ho theatre over the past few months and it feels good.  

6. Bernie Sanders at the Inauguration Memes: This guy wanted to be leader of the free world.   Thanks to Mayor Pete and Amy K dropping out we were saved from Bernie losing to Trump.   But Big Gheorghe didn't bring us Bernie, he brought us the memes and they were glorious.   

  

7. The Yankees did not win the World Series: With the exceptions of Teej and TR, this makes just about every decent human being happy.  

8.Pork Shots at the Texas State Fair: The food network does an annual round up of the best State fair food innovations.  This year, the list can be found here.  It contains some very interesting global offerings like the Kerala Fried Chicken Kati Roll.  It also has some abominations like Peanut Butter & Spicy Jelly Tater Tots or Pickle Pizza.  However, the highlight has to be Port Shots at the Texas State Fair.  I would not be able to do this concoction justice so I will just quote Food Network's thoughts:

At the State Fair of Texas, the competition is steep no matter the category. But in the realm of savory snacking sensations, Glen and Sherri Kusak, the duo behind vendor Hans Mueller, have come up with a bite-sized treat that packs a huge flavor wallop. Their Pork Shots start with a base of Texas smoked sausage that’s wrapped with hickory smoked bacon, forming a miniature bowl that gets filled with creamy mac and cheese. The Kusaks sprinkle the outside with a secret sweet-spicy BBQ rub that pulls all the savory flavors together into a knockout bite that reminds you that everything, including flavor, really is bigger in Texas. The pork shots are served as a shareable treat, but we won’t blame you if you keep the whole order for yourself.

9. The Best Self Defense Video Ever: This is old (2018) but it still makes me laugh every single time.  There are plenty of videos on the internet they try to teach you how to disarm your local insurrectionist or Antifa follower - this one shows how things might actually go down:

Merry Gheorghemas to all and to all a good night!

The Twelve Days of Gheorghemas: Day 8.5 - Three Genetic Tests

There normally isn't an eight-and-a-halfth day of Gheorghemas but much like Biggie I got a story to tell.  Three stories to tell, in fact, about genetic tests.   

zwoman wanted to find out what breeds are in her dog so I got her Embark for Christmas.  It was $30 off on Amazon so the scam was less painful.  And it's clearly a scam.  I guarantee Embark is run by a couple of guys like FOG:TB Pip who bullshit their way through the test.  They make you send a picture of your dog, where you live, where the dog came from, and the organization that sold you the dog.  With that information anyone could come up with a believable profile.

Here's the photo she gave them:

She's clearly part lab.  The shape of her head and the fact that she was a stray dog found in Crawfordville, GA make it likely that she's part pitbull (and not, say, Nova Scotia Duck Toller).  I thought she might be part foxhound because she makes some goofy noises and has a houndish tail.

The jamokes at Embark did the same analysis.  

Jamoke 1:  "Oh!  Look at dis fuggin mutt!  It's a fuggin lab and a fuggin pitbull!" 

Jamoke 2: "Yeah, the fuggin thing is from Jorja, what else could it be?  But we gotta trow in sumdin else ta spice it up.  Where's this chooch owner from?"

Jamoke 1: "Lessee ... ooooh, Chaddim New Jerzy!  Dey don't wanna hear dey have a Presa Canario, das for Newark.  Let's trow in some Jermin Sheppid."

Jamoke 2: "Done.  Let's fuck wit em and trow in some bullshit.  How about Supermutt?"

Jamoke 1: "Hahahaha.  Dis job is great.  I can't buhleev deez stoonads in Morris Cowney pay us to do dis shit!"

And here's what we got:

Our apparent lab/pitbull is indeed a lab/pitbull, with a 15% grab-bag of canine bullshit mixed in.  The story at our local dog park is the same--people with obvious mixes will tell you "We did Embark and we got [obvious mix] but she's also 5% Chow!"  Or Chihuahua or Dalmatian or whatever.  Sir Viv (named after a cricketer) across the street is also 10% Supermutt.  It's a blatant scam.

I knew we would get what we expected, with perhaps a minor twist, because zmom took a genetic test a little while ago.  She is English, Irish, Scottish, and Dutch and her father was from North Carolina, and 23andMe told her she is English, Irish, Scottish, and Dutch with relatives who settled in North Carolina.  The surprise was a small percentage of German--apparently the Browns were Brauns a few hundred years ago.  A surprise for zmom, but not for me, is that she is not Native American.  Much like Elizabeth Warren, my mother claims that her great-great-grandmother was half Native American (yes, it would be easier to say that her great-great-great-grandparent was Native American but if you've met zmom you know she can't do that math).  So just as zwoman's dog is part German Shepherd (and not foxhound as I expected), zmom and I are part German (and not Native American as she expected).

All this is to say that genetic tests are not an interesting way to spend your money.

My third story is the exception to this rule.  zstepfather's brother took a 23andMe test and the results said he's half Jewish.  He felt this is not the case--they are WASPs and maybe part Danish or something Scandinavian like that.  He took another test and he was still a Jew so he did some sleuthing through his mother's files (they all have OCD and save everything, including empty tubes of Preparation H, and I guess he acquired the habit through non-genetic means and kept his dead parents' diaries etc.) and learned that while the man he thought was his father was stationed in Hawaii during WWII, his mother had an unprotected fling with some Jewish guy.  She flew out to Honolulu and came clean and to his credit her husband raised the child as his own.  But he wasn't happy about it.  zstepfather's brother said "I guess this is why he was so mean to me."  Indeed.  He was a generally grumpy guy and miserable to be around.  I don't know if this is the source of his behavior or if it merely enhanced his inherent crotchetiness but either way I get it.  It's a cross between The Corrections and The Lies That Bind.  

My advice this Gheorghemas is to avoid these types of tests.  Save your money and just be happy with who you are or who your dog is. 

Interlude Not Internude

Fillin' y'all up with the spirit of the season while we wait for Day 9 to kick off an avalanche of Gheorghemas finales. Like the last barrage of fireworks, only sillier and more memorable. 

After careful consideration, we've tapped Detroit Red Wings forward Dylan Larkin to captain our national team. Still working on finding a location for our nation. But when we do, our hockey team is gonna be Gheorghie as heck, and focused on the important stuff. 

Larkin knows those arena beers are expensive 😂👏pic.twitter.com/KqRG278BLm

— Hockey Night in Canada (@hockeynight) December 21, 2021

The Twelve Days of Gheorghemas: Day Eight

On the eight day day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me:

Eight Things I'm Thankful For

Seven Books for Reading

Six Top Episodes of Ted Lasso

Five Beers and Tunes

Four Resolutions

Three Gheorghemas Gifts to Give Yourself

Two Stones of Weight Loss (Your Mileage May Vary)

and Running Gags with Quatro Kitties

Merry Christmas Eve, Gheorghies! I don't think I'm breaking news when I say that 2020 kinda sucked. Was 2021 great? Not hardly. but it was, at least for me, much better than 2020. With that, and the Christmas Spirit in mind, here are 8 things I'm extremely thankful for.

1. My new job(s) - At the end of last year I was working for the same company I'd been at for nearly ten years. I'd been successful and had moved up the corporate ladder somewhat. However, a combination of organizational changes and a dissatisfaction with what I perceived as limited opportunities for my future left me looking for a new gig. In late 2020, that new gig happened. I was offered a job with a company in the healthcare software sector. I eagerly accepted the position. And then something unexpected happened. On the day I accepted my new job, a recruiter called me and said another company in the healthcare software business was interested in me. The money was better and the company was more established. I went through a round of interviews and was offered the job. So, by mid-January I'd started my new job and was being offered this other job. Both jobs were remote. I wasn't sure which one I wanted. So I took them both. Yes. I had two full time jobs. This lasted until mid-September when I finally had to make a choice (travel and such). I ultimately decided on the second job. Life is good. My boss is cool. And I really, really like working from home after almost a decade of putting 20,000 miles on my car a year. Those 9 months of double paychecks weren't bad either.

2. Youth Sports - Yeah, I know. Youth sports can suck. Especially when you coach them like I do. And 2020 was a kick in the balls. Our local basketball league canceled the season due to COVID. That left my daughter with nothing to play. But then she came to me and asked to play baseball. During quarantine she'd play catch and some wiffle ball with my Dad and decided she wanted to give it a shot. So we signed her up and, as luck would have it, one of my friends was coaching a team. He picked my kid up and...she's good. Like, really good. She had a great season and loved playing third base. I nicknamed her Terry Pendleton. Then, a couple of weeks of after baseball ended she went to see some of her friends play a soccer game. Soccer was her first sport but she lost interest a couple of years ago. This team was all girls and it was the first time she'd ever seen a team comprised of nothing but girls. The next day she asked if she could play soccer again. A week or two later she tried out for and made the local girls U10 comp soccer team. It took the kid a while to get back in the swing of things but by the end of the year she was more than holding her own and my sweet, sensitive and not terribly aggressive kid got her first yellow card for elbowing another girl in the ribs. I was a proud Dad. She's all in on soccer and ready for the next season. Lastly, basketball is back and she wanted to play. As a basketball junkie who's had her shooting and doing ball handling drills since age 3, I was psyched, but I wanted to make it more fun. So I asked her if she'd like to play on an all girls team. She eagerly accepted. So we recruited friends to play and come mid-January we'll be rolling out with a team of eight 9-10 girls. I'm not sure who's more excited/nervous- me or the kids.

3. Tattoos - Most of the you know I am a tattoo enthusiast. My wife is as well. COVID shut that habit down for me. I had my thigh tattooed in late February of 2020. And then...nothing. For over a year. I didn't get my thigh finished until September of 2021. And then the bug was back. I've been toying with a full hand tattoo for years now. I've got a couple on my left hand but not the whole thing. Finally, (and partially because I work from home) I said "fuck it". My kid is a very artistic kid (I have two Uncles on my Mother's side who are professional artists. One created the Hamburglar...that talent skipped a generation). She frequently draws shit on her hands. I "commisioned" her to create a tattoo for me based on one of her most frequent drawings. She did a great job and now I'm 45% less employable than I was at the beginning of 2021. My tattoo artist, who my wife and I have spent hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars with, approved though. His exact words were, "she's a little Banksy". Another proud Dad moment.

4. Basketball - Most of you know I love basketball. I left Florida and moved to the middle of nowhere and a place where I knew nobody for the chance to play after high school. I've played constantly since the age of 12. COVID shut that down and I didn't play for the longest stretch since 12. When I finally did start to play again, I had a bad fall and broke my elbow. Now my regular weekly pickup game at the local Catholic church is back. As is the old man league that I play in. And after a very extended layoff, I'm finally healthy again and getting my game back. For me, there's nothing like a couple of hours of running up and down the court and thinking of nothing else other than how to help my team win the game I'm playing. Life is really simple sometimes.

5. New Orleans - I'd guess New Orleans is the most popular city amongst the G:TB crew. With good reason. It's a great city if you like food, music, people and just life in general. When my wife and I met I was shocked to discover she'd never been. Shortly thereafter, I took her to Jazz Fest. We've been half a dozen times since. The latest was a two day trip after the Florida-LSU game (ugh) with two other couples who are great friends. The next trip begins the day after Christmas when we fly out with another family who are from New Orleans to take in the holiday sights and eat and drink like locals. The NFL schedule even lined up in our favor and gave us a MNF game in the Superdome. Its Saints-Dolphins and I hate both teams but I'm pretty pumped for what will surely be a raucous atmosphere on Monday night.

6. Shoes - It's simple. I love shoes. Zman and text about them constantly. I got through the pandemic by buying more than I should've. I've infected my daughter with that love and now I get to buy her all manner of shoes (Jordans, Doc Martens, Air Max, etc, etc). Just today, my wife's best friend's family came over for a pre-Christmas thing. Their eldest daughter is in 7th grade and loves Jordan 1s. I surprised her with a pair for Christmas. She was over the moon with excitement. Give more shoes to the people you love people!

7. Gheorghe: The Blog - We say it often but I don't think that any of us truly realize what an extraordinary community we've created here. I text with Zman more than most members of my family. TJ's wife and my wife are legitimately friends. TR and I met for the first time out in Denver in September and it was like we'd known each other for years (because we kind of have). Marls and his wife know my family and send us Christmas cards. I tailgated with Whitney, his kids and other friends before a Florida-South Carolina game and watched him HOUSE one of his kids friends in a beer bong race (If you haven't seen the video, I'm happy to share it). When you step back and take a look at it, it's pretty remarkable. And that's what life is about, right? The people you meet on the journey. I fucking love y'all.

8. Christmas - I just love Christmas. Not all the presents and shit. That's cool and I love giving to people I love but, more importantly, I love being with people I love and having the time to reflect on our blessings. We're all busier than ever and more preoccupied with shit that doesn't really matter than ever but for a day or two it's really fucking cool to slow down a bit and be thankful. 

Merry Christmas! I couldn't love y'all more if I had two hearts.

Notify, Holiday Edition

Greetings, merry makers. 

Here's hoping all the gheorghies are about done with the shopping and prepping and can start to hunker down, be around loves ones, and enjoy the festivities.

I myself am not close to that.

While my Christmas shopping has pretty much been done for a few days now, I decided to throw an open house on Christmas Eve for a few friends and family to pop by. As such, the scramble to buy and prepare food, beverage, and decorations goes on and on. My to-do list is still long and distinguished. 

Who knew that people would actually be available on December 24 for some nog and grog by the Yule log?

I failed to mention it to you, but all gheorghies are welcome. Last names and numerical indicators have been whited out, but if your sleigh is nearby, come on by.

Why would I subject myself to this overly hectic stress and rather steep expense?

I may have mentioned this more than once here, but this year I am spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning with my daughters for the first time since 2008. Divorce sucks any way you slice it, but this part has always been one of the worst components for me. I cannot overstate the seasonal depression that I inflicted on myself because of missing them in this 24-hour period year after year. It's just a night, just a morning, I know. But it has sucked not seeing the glee and awe in their faces from ages 6 and 8 through 17 and 19. 

But through a confluence of events, this year is different. And the three of us are thoroughly excited. Add in the Whitdog's superfun gf and we got ourselves a throwdown coming tomorrow night.

Grateful is not a string enough word. Ecstatic. So much so that I am grinning through all (most) to the nuisances to get things ready to sparkle tomorrow evening. I've had carols and holiday tunes on the Sonos speakers throughout the house for days. I bought a full-size tree for the first time in years. I've gone a bit overboard on gifts for the girls, and we're all wont to do now and again. And we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.

Merry Christmas, friends. I love the gheorghie gang.

Such gratitude makes us want to pay it forward, or give a little back. It makes me think of an enormous outpouring one holiday season 37 years ago. Since you can't listen to the extended version (with Phil Collins crushing it on drums) on Spotify, here's a little Not-ify for you, Geldof style.

And here's the documentary on the making of this song, which is still my favorite holiday tune of them all, edging out Bing/Bowie's LDB and Dino doing Let It Snow³.

Peace, gheorghies.

Gheorghemas Mashup Interlude

I heard this on the radio and thought it would make a good interlude.

Media Grump Interlude

Alternative headline: Area Retired Ink-stained Wretch Yells at Clouds, An OBX Dave Joint

A small victory on the newspaper and local newsgathering front recently. Lee Enterprises, which owns 77 newspapers in 26 states, rejected a buyout offer from Alden Global Capital, the vulture hedge fund that’s snapped up and strip-mined papers all over the country for a decade.

Encouraging as it was, no corks were popped by savvy observers because the language of the rejection gives away the game. Lee president and CEO Kevin Mowbray wrote in an email to the troops: 

 “Consistent with its obligation to evaluate a proposal of this nature, the Board carefully considered        Alden’s proposal in consultation with its financial and legal advisors and determined that it grossly undervalues Lee and is not in the best interests of the Company and its shareholders. Our Board is confident we have the right strategic plan in place to leverage our attractive market position, financial strength and established digital capabilities and infrastructure to drive further growth and value for shareholders.”

It’s a short distance from “their offer grossly undervalues Lee” to “their latest offer reflects the true value of the company and we will submit it to the Board and shareholders for approval.”

And whaddayaknow, Alden filed suit against Lee days later, accusing its Board of Directors of improperly denying shareholders an opportunity to weigh in. Alden also contends that its initial offer was merely a starting point for negotiation, and that Lee chose not to even engage. Alden already owns 6.3 percent of Lee stock and seeks to install “independent” members to Lee’s Board.

Lee owns papers in St. Louis, Buffalo and all over Virginia and North Carolina, including Richmond, Roanoke, Fredericksburg, Greensboro and Winston-Salem.

Lee’s stock is trending upward after rejecting Alden and again after Alden’s lawsuit, which may price it beyond what Alden is willing to spend. Lee also inserted a “poison pill” plan that would make it more difficult and expensive to buy the chain once it owns more than 10 percent of company shares. The plan would allow other Lee shareholders to buy shares at a significant discount, or perhaps receive free shares for every share they already own. That’s likely why Alden is moving now, while it controls less than 10 percent of company stock.

Until there are memos that read, “Hell no, we aren’t selling to Alden. Have you seen what those bastards have done to newspapers for the past 10 years?,” there’s little cause for comfort. It’s all a money grab for those at the top. Stay tuned.

The Twelve Days of Gheorghemas: Day Seven

On the seventh day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me:

Seven Books for Reading

Six Top Episodes of Ted Lasso

Five Beers and Tunes

Four Resolutions

Three Gheorghemas Gifts to Give Yourself

Two Stones of Weight Loss (Your Mileage May Vary)

and Running Gags with Quatro Kitties

I don't think I'm making any specific resolutions for 2022 . . . if there's one thing we've all learned in the past few years, it's that things are too unpredictable to decide on anything for your future self. Although I will resolve to remind Rob to read more and get off social media-- if there's one thing we all know, it's that social media is a disastrously absurdist shitshow that in no way represents any kind of reality. I stay off it completely and utterly-- I don't even post my sentence on Facebook because I won't go there (some bot might post my sentence on Twitter, not sure).

I also resolve to never get a Peloton . . . so I guess I am making some resolutions. Anti-resolutions? I'm glad Zman lost weight and Rob is in good shape but I like going to an actual gym. It inspires me when I see other people working out, I get bored easily and like to switch up what I'm doing, and I like ogling women. But I really should have invested in Peloton stock: everyone I know has ponied up for one of those contraptions.

Rob should definitely read Deacon King Kong and those Soccer IQ books. And he should definitely be less angry at the state of the world; if you stay off social media and stop hating unvaccinated people . . . and wow do a lot of my fellow teachers like to hate on unvaccinated people-- and instead, you look at people as the victims of misinformation, political wedge issues, polarization, and too much competing information, you'll realize there's not much to hate. And that the call might be coming from inside the house. Anyway, on to the books . . .

I'm proud to say I read 52 books this year-- so far-- the first time I've read over fifty since I've been keeping count. I might get to 53 but it's going to be tough going, I'm in an 800 page Neal Stephenson sic-fi tome. Staying off social media helps my reading (although I think I'm addicted to online chess . . . an addiction that replaced my addiction to low stakes Texas Hold'em . . . stupid internet.)

Here are my seven favorites I read thsi year:

1) The Final Girl Support Group by Grady Hendrix

Read everything by this guy. He's the post-modern Stephen King. Final Girl Support Group is the most recent, but I also highly recommend Horrorstör . . . a haunted house story set in an IKEA. He does a great job with Southern culture and page-turning macabre fun.

2) Shakespeare in a Divided America: What His Plays Tell Us About His Past and Future by James Shapiro

This book is such a brilliant idea: Shapiro analyzes eight American Shakespeare productions in eight different periods of American history. Each production reflects the politics and predilections of the times-- and they often evoke our darkest sins in a way that we can handle and discuss: incest, suicide, adultery, racism, sexism, class warfare, democracy, tyranny, etc. Far more fun than going on social media and debating current politics.

3. Hidden Valley Road by Robert Kolker

One of the best books on mental illness ever written.

4. Action Park: Fast Times, Wild Rides, and the Untold Story of America's Most Dangerous Amusement Park by Andy Mulvihill (with Jake Rosen)

THE best book on Action Park ever written. Careens between the zaniness of Gene Mulvihill's insane vision for the park, nostalgic memories of his son working at the park, the actual danger and mayhem that happened in the park, and the rides and their designers. 

5) The Anthropocene Reviewed: Essays on a Human-centered Planet by John Green

Excellent essays (and five-star reviews) on things as various as air-conditioning, Canadian geese, lawns, Rick Ankiel and Jerzy Dudek. 

6) The Last Policeman by Ben H. Winters

An asteroid is going to hit the earth and pretty much end civilization and people are reacting as expected, aside from Henry Castle-- a detective on the Concord, New Hampshire police force. As the world falls apart around him, he continues to chase clues and solve mysteries. I read all three books in the series and recommend them all, BUT if you're looking for something apocalyptic, then go watch Mad Max: Fury Road . . . if you want a slow burn and a really perspicacious look at how things might fall apart before the apocalypse, search no further. 

7). Nomadland: Surviving America in the Twenty-First Century by Jessica Bruder

Read this book then watch the movie.

The Twelve Days of Gheorghemas: Day Six

On the sixth day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me:

Six Top Episodes of Ted Lasso

Five Beers and Tunes

Four Resolutions

Three Gheorghemas Gifts to Give Yourself

Two Stones of Weight Loss (Your Mileage May Vary)

and Running Gags with Quatro Kitties

This is a Shlara joint.

There's been some Ted talk on GTB over the last year. I arrived to the show late, due to some intense family care needs over the last few years. And for most of 2021, I'd hear "You haven't watched this show yet??? You, of all people, would love it. You need to watch it." 

Started season one in September, and have watched both seasons at least three times since then. So, yes, they were correct. I dig this show. I'm not an EPL follower, but I now need to find the real life equivalent of AFC Richmond, and get on that bandwagon because I love this show.

There are 3 TV shows where I would enter a portal into that fictional TV-show-land to hang out, if that option was available to me: Cheers, Friday Night Lights, and Ted Lasso. We're apparently only getting 3 seasons of Ted Lasso, and that's not enough for me. As I noted already, I'd like to take a break from my life and live inside Ted Lasso world for a little while.

Why? Good messages ("Be curious, not judgmental"), good writing (“Boy, I love meeting people’s moms. It’s like reading an instruction manual as to why they’re nuts.”), good characters (Roy Fucking Kent), good music (see iTunes playlists). Great stories, amazing cultural references. At times it feels like the show is in my head and was written expressly for me*. But then, there are millions of people around the world who feel the same connection to this show, so they really are tapping into to some universal truths and experiences here. 

If you haven't watched this show yet, clear some time in your holiday calendar to dive in. And, if you have spent some time with Ted, Coach Beard, #BossBitch Rebecca and AFC Richmond, I'd love to hear which shows and characters resonated with you. Here are my six favorite episodes, in chronological order:

Two Aces (S1, E6): The first time I watched this episode, I said out loud "OMG, that's Allen Iverson. He's quoting AI." Apparently Sudeikis is a serious basketball fan, and understood the whole backstory to bring AI into this storyline at this point in the show. 

Diamond Dogs (S1, E8): The camaraderie and support amongst the Diamond Dogs will be familiar to the Gheorghies. But, this episode is where we get to meet Keeley Jones, Independent Woman. She's a force. And she's fabulous. Also, the Keeley/Rebecca relationship is one of the best things on this show.

The Hope that Kills You (S1, E10): He's here, he's there, he's every fucking-where. Roy Kent, Roy Kent. I've watched this episode 5 times and cry every time during Ted's locker room speech at the end.

Carol of the Bells (S2, E4): It's a "bottle" episode (I got that from my high brow pop culture podcasts) and a Christmas episode that has the most delightful "friends as family" holiday dinner. Plus an homage to Love Actually.

Rainbow (S2, E5): This is a love letter to classic rom-com dialogue. It's basically written for me and Mindy Kaling. And I'm sure you'll like it too because Roy Kent. Trust me.

 

Man City (S2, E8): You'll laugh, you'll cry, it's better than Cats. Seriously, one of the best episodes of the show across both seasons.

Honorable Mention: For you VEEP watchers, Richard Splett shows up in S2 E11&12 as a completely different character and has an epic scene in E12.

*I know it's not written for me, but I have a legit kinship with Ted: one of the show runners is a W&M alum a few years ahead of me, and the Ted Lasso character originated in a series of commercials developed by current employer. It was basically a given that I'd love this show.