What Car Should a Gheorghie Drive: Juan Carlos Edition

I first met Juan Carlos by the basement back door of Unit M.  He stood there, a fratguy in his kingdom, cradling a plurality of cans of Milwaukee's Best in one arm, talking to a smiling, nodding girl.  He turned to me, an awestruck freshman, and said coolly and calmly "Hey, do you want to shotgun beers til you puke?" I, of course, said "Yes.  Yes I do."  The rest is history.

That night he told me his name and I thought he said Carlos, so I called him Carlos for a while.  I am not alone.  He is, after all, Juan Carlos, King of Spain (which makes Unit M the House of Bourbon).

Before zwoman met him I made mention of Juan Carlos.  She said "Juan Carlos is JP, right?"  JP is, of course, FOGTB JP.  I said "No.  JP is JP.  Juan Carlos is the King of Spain."  zwoman replied "Oh.  So Juan Carlos is Spanish?"  I said "No."  Confused, she said "So no one is Spanish?" and I said "JP is Spanish" so she replied "That's what I thought.  Then why isn't JP the King of Spain?" and I answered "Because Juan Carlos is the King of Spain."  We went around this circle a few more times and she gave up.

It seems like Juan Carlos should have a Spanish car but the only brands I can think of are Hispano-Suiza, which went out of business 80 years ago, and S.E.A.T.  I realize that S.E.A.T. sounds like the name of a bad-guy organization from an Austin Powers movie but I assure you that Sociedad Española de Automóviles de Turismo is real.  You've never heard of them because they never sold any cars in the US and they never made any cars that are cool.  Honestly.  Here's the list.  Hover over those links and you'll see one bland shitbox after another.  I have no idea how the nation that gave the world jamón serrano, manchego, Paz Vega, Balenciaga, mahon, Picasso, paella, Penélope Cruz, flamenco, Rafael Nadal and chorizo failed to come up with at least one aesthetically awesome car.

Juan Carlos is cool.  He's cooler than you but he's cool about it.  It's a very laid-back and discreet brand of coolness.  It's obvious that he's cool and does cool things, but when you learn more you realize that whatever you're looking at is even cooler than you thought upon first impression.

For example, if you go to Juan Carlos's house he will serve you appetizers.  Perhaps fish fillets on a skewer with sliced plum tomatoes and pickled peppers.  You might say "Dam son this fish is dope!  What is it?"  He will understatedly reply "They're fresh sardines" and when you say "These don't look like sardines" he will explain that sardines from a can are not very good at all, and that canning them destroys the flavor, texture, color, basically everything about the fish.  He knows a place where they sell fresh sardine fillets, which he then prepares them ceviche style with lemon juice so they hold up enough to be skewered.  Then when you exclaim how good the peppers are, he will explain how he grew the peppers from seeds he picked up in Seville and then pickled them himself over the winter using a pickling brine of his own concoction.  This happens all the time.  JC's food is superb.

Juan Carlos is amazingly handy.  I won't regale you with all of his tremendous feats of home improvement, but I was stunned when he installed his own underground gas line from his house to his grille.  I was there the first time he used it and he deadpanned "Either we'll have dinner in 30 minutes or I'll blow the house up."  We had dinner 30 minutes later and it was outstanding.

He thus should drive something clearly cool, but also reserved, and that becomes even cooler upon investigation.  It should also be relatively useful for trips to the mulch pit and the hardware store, and relatively easy to work on.  It should be European, clearly.  The marque should have some historical importance with bonus points for significant engineering aspects.

This was harder than I thought it would be, but I should've known better.  Juan Carlos is a complicated man but no one understands him but his woman.

I considered the Audi ur-Quattro.  The hatchback makes it very practical.  The 20-valve five cylinder engine was an engineering masterpiece.  It pioneered Audi's all-wheel-drive Quattro system and it won the World Rally Championship three years in a row.  But these are difficult to work on, which cuts against JC's DYI nature, and they're rare and expensive, which cuts against my goal of keeping WCSAGD attainable.  They also don't quite look the part.  Just a little too big in the hips for the King of Spain to floss.

Ever the VW fanboy, I also considered the Audi RS2 Avant, but it suffers the same problems as the ur-Quattro--expensive as hell and a headache to work on.  But there's plenty to love.  Much like Marls's WCSAGD, Porsche massaged various Audi bits to make the RS2 Avant an unholy speed demon, and it has four doors, a real back seat and a big trunk so you can haul ass while hauling lumber.  Five cylinders sound cool too.

But as with the ur-Quattro, the RS2 Avant doesn't look quite right for Juan Carlos.  He's too sexy for this car.

The Jaguar XJS Lynx came to mind.  It makes sense for Juan Carlos to drive a shooting brake, especially one with twelve cylinders, burled walnut trim and Connolly leather hides.  And they look great.  

But these too are exceedingly rare and expensive.  I'm also not sure he should drive a Jaguar, it doesn't really mesh with his regal Mediterranean vibe.  It's just a tad effete.  

Juan Carlos should drive a 1986 Alfa Romeo GTV6 in black over biscuit, like this:

The best classic under $20,000?  Maybe.  Prices are creeping up so JC might need to shell out $25k to $30k for a really crispy example.  How does this tick all the boxes?  Alfa Romeo is over 100 years old and has more racing wins than any other marque in the world.  Their logo involves a crowned snake swallowing a man whole.  The brand is swathed in manliness and badassery.

The 6 in GTV6 refers to the engine, Alfa's famous Busso V6.  The manifold isn't as pretty as the 164's but really what is?  It still sounds amazing, arguably the best sounding engine ever.  Don't take my word for it, see what Harry Metcalfe has to say:

Harry's homeboy's GTV6 has Quadrifoglio badges and basket wheels which make the whole thing even cooler.  "Needs a fair amount of warming up" (9:55).  "Doesn't rev very high but gets quite musical" (10:33).  "There's bits covering up where the size of it should've been, I can't understand why Luigi didn't make the DIN slot the right size" (12:24).  "Quite a short stroke, wide bore, but it does sound good ... it's quality" (14:51).  "It still looks super neat today and I love that it's the size that it is" (19:04).  "This car is all about charisma and that it has by the bucketload, there is something joyous seeing this car" (19:47).  All of that could be said about Juan Carlos. 

Watch Harry's expression after he downshifts and gets back on the gas around 19:33.  The sound he makes is the same one I made when Heather Graham took her clothes off for the first time in Boogie Nights.  Like JC the GTV6 is a sex machine.  Most importantly, I think Juan Carlos's father had an Alfa at one point so getting another might foster reflection on old memories while creating new ones.

That's what Juan Carlos should drive.