The Twelve Days of Gheorghemas: Day 8.5 - Three Genetic Tests

There normally isn't an eight-and-a-halfth day of Gheorghemas but much like Biggie I got a story to tell.  Three stories to tell, in fact, about genetic tests.   

zwoman wanted to find out what breeds are in her dog so I got her Embark for Christmas.  It was $30 off on Amazon so the scam was less painful.  And it's clearly a scam.  I guarantee Embark is run by a couple of guys like FOG:TB Pip who bullshit their way through the test.  They make you send a picture of your dog, where you live, where the dog came from, and the organization that sold you the dog.  With that information anyone could come up with a believable profile.

Here's the photo she gave them:

She's clearly part lab.  The shape of her head and the fact that she was a stray dog found in Crawfordville, GA make it likely that she's part pitbull (and not, say, Nova Scotia Duck Toller).  I thought she might be part foxhound because she makes some goofy noises and has a houndish tail.

The jamokes at Embark did the same analysis.  

Jamoke 1:  "Oh!  Look at dis fuggin mutt!  It's a fuggin lab and a fuggin pitbull!" 

Jamoke 2: "Yeah, the fuggin thing is from Jorja, what else could it be?  But we gotta trow in sumdin else ta spice it up.  Where's this chooch owner from?"

Jamoke 1: "Lessee ... ooooh, Chaddim New Jerzy!  Dey don't wanna hear dey have a Presa Canario, das for Newark.  Let's trow in some Jermin Sheppid."

Jamoke 2: "Done.  Let's fuck wit em and trow in some bullshit.  How about Supermutt?"

Jamoke 1: "Hahahaha.  Dis job is great.  I can't buhleev deez stoonads in Morris Cowney pay us to do dis shit!"

And here's what we got:

Our apparent lab/pitbull is indeed a lab/pitbull, with a 15% grab-bag of canine bullshit mixed in.  The story at our local dog park is the same--people with obvious mixes will tell you "We did Embark and we got [obvious mix] but she's also 5% Chow!"  Or Chihuahua or Dalmatian or whatever.  Sir Viv (named after a cricketer) across the street is also 10% Supermutt.  It's a blatant scam.

I knew we would get what we expected, with perhaps a minor twist, because zmom took a genetic test a little while ago.  She is English, Irish, Scottish, and Dutch and her father was from North Carolina, and 23andMe told her she is English, Irish, Scottish, and Dutch with relatives who settled in North Carolina.  The surprise was a small percentage of German--apparently the Browns were Brauns a few hundred years ago.  A surprise for zmom, but not for me, is that she is not Native American.  Much like Elizabeth Warren, my mother claims that her great-great-grandmother was half Native American (yes, it would be easier to say that her great-great-great-grandparent was Native American but if you've met zmom you know she can't do that math).  So just as zwoman's dog is part German Shepherd (and not foxhound as I expected), zmom and I are part German (and not Native American as she expected).

All this is to say that genetic tests are not an interesting way to spend your money.

My third story is the exception to this rule.  zstepfather's brother took a 23andMe test and the results said he's half Jewish.  He felt this is not the case--they are WASPs and maybe part Danish or something Scandinavian like that.  He took another test and he was still a Jew so he did some sleuthing through his mother's files (they all have OCD and save everything, including empty tubes of Preparation H, and I guess he acquired the habit through non-genetic means and kept his dead parents' diaries etc.) and learned that while the man he thought was his father was stationed in Hawaii during WWII, his mother had an unprotected fling with some Jewish guy.  She flew out to Honolulu and came clean and to his credit her husband raised the child as his own.  But he wasn't happy about it.  zstepfather's brother said "I guess this is why he was so mean to me."  Indeed.  He was a generally grumpy guy and miserable to be around.  I don't know if this is the source of his behavior or if it merely enhanced his inherent crotchetiness but either way I get it.  It's a cross between The Corrections and The Lies That Bind.  

My advice this Gheorghemas is to avoid these types of tests.  Save your money and just be happy with who you are or who your dog is.