Wednesday, December 02, 2009

The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas, Redux

I'd hate to bump down a goalie getting blasted in the head by his teammate, but guess what kids, it's that time of year again....

Happy Gheorghe-mas To All

The Twelve Days went over so well last year we just had to bring it back. Our crack staff has spent countless minutes preparing quality G:Mas-themed posts for you, our loyal readers. And we thought why not kick off Day One in a similar fashion to last year...by taking (cough) potshots at yours truly. I'd love to give you some background on what you're about to see, but all I know is it appears to be the middle of the afternoon, Greg can't stop laughing, yes there is actually music playing on the TV in the background (perhaps something off Greg's "Best of Lionel Richie" DVD)...and I won't be winning "So You Think You Can Dance?" any time soon...

On the first day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me...

One Doofus Dancing (hee, hee)

74 comments:

Greg said...

Is day two's theme "2 idiots on a podcast"? Because I have a podcast that could work.

TJ said...

If you'd ever come to a staff meeting maybe we'd let you do that...

Geoff said...

The thing throwing me off in the video is TJ's business casual attire. It has a Sunday Drunkday feel to it, but TJ would be wearing jeans and a awful Yankees t-shirt if it was a Sunday.

TJ said...

If it was above 45 degrees, it would be shorts...and an awful t-shirt.

TJ said...

rob, ACC/Big Ten Challenge is tied 3-3...you might've jumped the gun thinking the streak would end this year. Duke and Clemson probably win tonight, meaning either Tubby's MN boys or FSU need to win to take it 6-5 again for the ACC.

rob said...

minnesota is part of the big 10, but i take your point

rob said...

i figured the izzos would beat carolina. i was incorrect.

Dennis said...

It's a white Heathcliff Huxtable.

TJ said...

Yes, it sure is...

in other hoops news, Siena travels to Atlanta tonight to face Ga Tech. This would be a huge win for the Saints if they can pull it off.

TJ said...

The "yes, it sure is..." was to MN, not Mr. Huxtable.

Geoff said...

The Tiger Woods voicemail is disastrously awesome. It also makes me question everything I've ever thought about Tiger's mental capacity. What the fuck was he thinking?

TJ said...

El Tigre took to the keyboard again:
http://bit.ly/7TCPEC

TR said...

You can ask Tiger and Hugh Grant the same thing: You have fame, money and a gorgeous wife. What the F is your deal?

The real answer, the one they'll never admit, is that deep down, despite fame and a photogenic family, a lot of guys are dirty dogs who get their rocks off being degenerates and having degenerate sex. And, in the case of Eddie Murphy, this includes degenerate sex with men.

TJ said...

Here's the bigger question - how does this affect his game next year? Are guys nowhere near as intimidated by him after all of this? Will galleries give it to him good and affect his actual play? Inquiring minds want to know.

TJ said...

Because seriously, after Phil or Rocco listen to that voicemail 100 times, you think they're not just gonna be laughing next time they see Tiger on the course?

TR said...

Have to admit I didn't see this headline coming:

"Meredith Baxter: Yes, I'm gay"

TJ said...

Great career move...that opens the door to a whole new round of Lifetime movies for her.

rob said...

yeah, but she blew her chance to sleep with tiger

TR said...

She has not aged well. The Elise Keaton is a MILF" era is waaaay back in the rear view mirror. When you factor what happened to Justine Bateman and Tina Yothers, this is one of the worst aging group of female sitcom stars from a 1980's show.

If not for Kim Fields and Cloris Leachman, the Facts of Life crew would overtake them.

zoltan said...

So I went to TJ's link, listened to the voicemail, and then googled this Grubbs woman. Apparently she's famous because she dates some guy from a reality show called "Tool Academy," which I did not bother to google.

Geoff said...

Yeah, Mindy Cohn held up great.

zoltan said...

The real question, which TR and I already pondered, is whether Eldrick has a pre-nup. If he doesn't then he should discharge his jamarcusian lawyer.

Marlin said...

You know what would be fantastic? If tiger came out and just admitted that his whole image is BS and do a complete 180. Admit that he thinks Phil is a dick, start smoking butts on the course, openly skirt chasing, having a charity golf classic in Vegas with strippers and booze on every hole, sitting in the Butler Cabin and telling Hootie Johnson that he is a racist dipshit, doing a Tiger Woods Girls Gone Wild - Panama City Video, ect.

It would be like when Sergeant Slaughter turned bad and briefly joined up with the Iron Sheik and Nikoli Volkoff.

TJ said...

I was gonna go with the "Hogan joining the NWO" story arc...but Marlin's retro wrestling reference is indeed better.

Shlara said...

1. TJ--the video is hilarious. I esp like the shaky camera effect when Greg laughs.

2. Don't forget that Tiger is a geek at his core...and now he's a geek with tons of cash and fame. He didn't grow up like Jesus Shuttlesworth with women throwing themselves at him since age 10. He doesn't know how to handle the onslaught of women. He can't say no...and now he's going to pay for it.

zoltan said...

In other words, Marlin proposes that Tiger turn into Marlin.

Marlin said...

Jim Nantz: Tiger, it has been quite an interesting last 18 months. The recovery from knee surgery as well as the well documented off the course issues, but here you are again at Augusta, the 2010 Masters Champion.

Tiger: Thanks Jim, now go fu*k yourself.

Marlin said...

Z-Man, I don't think Phil is a dick.

Dennis said...

Lakers forward Ron Artest admits he used to drink alcohol during games while he was on the Bulls.

"I used to drink Hennessy ... at halftime," said Artest, who played with the Bulls from 1999-2002. "I (kept it) in my locker. I'd just walk to the liquor store (near the stadium) and get it."

rob said...

brilliant timing by artest - totally lost in the tigerpenispalooza. his pr people could teach tiger's a thing or two.

mayhugh said...

I agree with Mark's opinion, voiced in a former post, that pretty much all athletes (or other figures who are similarly rich and/or famous) cheat. It boils down, i think, to motive and opportunity. Motive: he's a guy, he always wants some strange (though this can be a bit diluted by certain situations, e.g. family, it's never completely eradicated). Opportunity: He's rich, famous, and there are plenty of women who will climb aboard. Given that he's a guy, there are only so many situations in which he'll say no.

Whitney said...

Trust me, guys, I know what it's like for Tiger and these guys. Keeping women off me is a full-time job. My heart goes out to him for doing the best he could.

Whitney said...

And I was glad TR laid off Michael J. Fox's problems. I was a big Family Ties fan, and it's been hard to watch the Keatons grow older. You do not want to know about Skippy Handelman's problems.

But Justine Bateman still looks pretty hot, I think. She was on that Showtime show with David Duchovny and looked pretty darn good.

Tina Yothers, however, . . . oy. But you saw that happening even in the show's last few seasons. Poor kid.

TJ said...

Jonathan Lipnicki wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole.

Come to think of it, he might have another use for that pole...

Dan said...

mark - falling on my sword here...just getting more in the loop w/tigger...wowzee.
pretty amazing that it's been kept under wraps as long as it has.

Greg said...

Reaching for the Crispix?

Shlara said...

Good statement by Tiger. But its about 5 days too late.

zoltan said...

A rather unfortunately timed series of "Dear Tiger" letters on Tiger's website. Tiger's fans appear to be unphased by his "transgressions," and, paradoxically, God Squadders.

http://tinyurl.com/yhsn2h4

Geoff said...

Marlin, Mickelson is a tremendous asshole, at least according to a couple tour caddies I know. Tiger, from their perspective, is the good guy in that rivalry, as hard as that is to believe.
And totally agree that 95 percent of athletes philander. Same group of caddies had stories about everyone from Phil to Arnold Palmer cheating. Apparently Arni had pussy stashed at every tour stop.

Whitney said...

The news you've been waiting for: it seems the Tribe/Salukis playoff game will be televised on MASN.

RICHMOND, Va. (December 2, 2009) -- CAA Football fans will have the opportunity to watch the league’s four teams competing in the quarterfinals of the NCAA Division I Football Championship on television this weekend.

The Mid-Atlantic Sports Network (MASN) will carry both the William and Mary/Southern Illinois game (12 p.m., ET) and the Appalachian State/Richmond game (7 p.m., ET) live on its network. The New Hampshire/Villanova game (3:30 p.m., ET), a rematch from the 2009 CAA Football regular season, will be shown live on Comcast SportsNet New England and on WPVI-TV (ABC) in Philadelphia, Pa.

In addition to the local market broadcasts, the games will be available on ESPN GamePlan and ESPN360.com. ESPN GamePlan can be purchased through your cable or satellite provider for a weekly subscription fee of $24. (ESPN GamePlan announces its weekly channel lineup 24-48 hours before the start of Saturday’s games.) ESPN360.com is a 24/7 broadband sports network, delivering more than 3,000 live global sports events annually. ESPN360.com is available at no charge to fans who receive their high-speed Internet connection from an affiliated service provider. Additionally, it is available free to approximately 18 million students and military personnel via any computer on a U.S. campus or military base computer network.

CAA Football fans are encouraged to continue checking local listings, CAASports.com and the NCAA.com/broadcast website for updates and additions to more local coverage of the 2009 NCAA Division I Football Championship quarterfinals.

Fans and members of the media can now follow CAA Football on Twitter: twitter.com/The_CAAFootball. Logon now and “follow” the league to get the latest news and notes from one of the top College Football Conferences in the country. Fans and members of the media can also now see CAA Football’s new media efforts on YouTube: www.youtube.com/CAAFootball. Logon now and subscribe to see the latest video productions from CAA Football. Checkout The CAA Football Pressbox located as a button on CAASports.com as well as in the menus down the left-hand side of the football page, The CAA Football Pressbox is the official source for all CAA Football information.

Whitney said...

And back to the original content, I have to say, having watched the "Dancin' TJ" video several times now . . . I don't think I understand any aspect of it at all, but I like it very much.

Shlara said...

Did you guys actually read the EPSN Artest story? This is an actual sentence in the piece "Hennessy is a French cognac."

Did they really need to explain that?

TJ said...

85% of the population thinks Hennessy is a cheap ass beer from upstate New York, most commonly found in the "Cream Ale" variety.

Mark said...

Quite a day for me to be swamped an unable to contribute to the variosu discussions 'round here. I'm available now though, so here are my thoughts, in no particular order:

- Jesus Shuttlesworth is a real person? Did he catch an STD from Chasey Lain during his recruiting trip to State? These are the things that keep me up at night.

- "White Heathcliff Huxtable" generated one of the hardiest AWL of all time. Well done.

- That AWL was closely followed by the Sgt. Slaughter/Iron Sheik/Nikoli Volkov reference. Just a banner day for random 80s references.

- I was told that Jimmy Rollins was the one guy in baseball (confirmed at least) who didn't cheat on his wife. I did not, and still do not believe this.

- Saw Justine Bateman at some point last year on Desperate Housewives...definitely not at the top of her game.

Finally, go to the Orlando Sentinel website and check out the police diagram of tiger's "accident". According to said diagram, this was not just a quick accident that happened as Tiger pulled out of the driveway. Dude was smashing shit all over his neighborhood before he finally came to rest on top of the fire hydrant. This situation has been bad for him, obviously. I think it could've (and should've) been much worse.

TJ said...

Was it like one of those Family Circus dashed-lines Sunday comic?

TR said...

There was a great Family Circus reference in last week's Family Guy. Brian is getting hammered alone in a bar and the dad from Family Circus is next to him, trying to cheer him up. Brian goes off on him and screams "Why don't you just go home and f*ck your wife's face!"

I think I will make that my new put-down line to people.

TR said...

On the topic of TV shows, you all need to do yourselves a big favor and Tivo the show Modern Family. It's on at 9 PM on ABC on Wednesdays. Think Arrested Development meets The Office. Ed O'Neill is great, there's some gratuitous eye candy and it's genuinely laugh-out-loud funny. I think almost every comedy on TV is terrible, and I love this show. I think you can watch old episodes on-line.

And the girl who plays the 15 year-old daughter is 19 in real life, so you don't have to feel conflicted when you look at her. Not that you should go out and get all Tiger Woodsy with her.

TJ said...

Oh yes, I saw that ref...is that the "Bitch Stewie" episode?

Whitney said...

"Tiger Woodsy"... that's good stuff.

Somewhere Woodsy Owl just winced, shrugged his feathery shoulders, and threw a cheeseburger wrapper on the ground.

Mark said...

Great line form Family Guy on a great episode. The best part of the bit was the scene for the followign morning when Peter's reading the paper and remarks to himself that it's an especially racy Family Circus today.

My folks love Modern Family and have been imploring me to watch it. To this point, I've held off. Maybe I need to give it a shot.

zoltan said...

It's like a ghetto-ass Family Circus dotted line cartoon.

http://tinyurl.com/ybxx42a

Even better - crash photos:

http://tinyurl.com/yfaza33

Note the physics book in photos 32 and 33.

zoltan said...

Also note that BOTH the side rear windows are shattered.

cgormley said...

First - TJ that video reminds of the 40 Year Old Virgin movie. You up for the lead in the sequel?

Second - the ghetto-ass drawing in the police report is awesome. The terminology is funny, "V-1 Final Rest", like the car died or something.

Whitney said...

Hey!! TJ's not a 40-year-old!

Mark said...

Anybody else thoroughly annoyed by the indignant tone of Tiger's press release?

Dude, you've made nearly a billion dollars off of not just golf but your life in the public eye and all that comes with it. There are two sides to that coin. You're now experiencing the other side. Please stop acting so put out and insulted by the attention, shut the fuck up and deal with it. Nobody feels sorry for you.

Mark said...

One more thing: My girlfriend heard the VM and said, "He's a fucking dork." Yep, a golf dork. He doesn't have to have game or anything like that, he just has to be Tiger Woods.

rob said...

mason looks like fried ass against gw thus far

Dan said...

modern family is top shelf

jesper took a couple of nice stabs at tiger today.

rob said...

richmond opened the second half with a 20-1 run to erase a 9-point odu lead. c'mon, monarchs.

Whitney said...

Mark, unless you're Tiger Woodsy, you don't have a girlfriend any more. You got yerself a fiancée, my man.

Shlara said...

I told you he was a dork too. Doesn't my opinion carry any weight around here?

rob said...

hey, who wants to spend the night before new year's eve at a basketball game with me, shlara, and kq? got a ticket to see the tribe take on maryland in college park - the original taker bailed today.

Whitney said...

I thought Teejay was going with you? Or is he the original taker?

And Shlara, you think all guys are dorks.

Shlara said...

Not all guys Whit...

Whitney said...

Just remember, I gave you that one.

rob said...

teejay was never a taker - he'll be in vegas with tiger.

rob said...

tribe with a little tcb tonight against longwood, 84-65. 5-2 heading into a 'what do we really have?' game against vcu on saturday.

rest of the caa seems to be hell-bent on savaging the conference's reputation: drexel drummed by villanova, mason annhiliated by gw, odu falling to richmond. vcu needs to hold on against rhode island to avoid a totally bleak evening.

Marlin said...

Geoff,
I have heard the same things about Phil. My statement was more an attempt at humor (obviously failed) with regard to Zoltan syggesting that Tiger would be acting like me.

zoltan said...

TJ was never a taker? That's not what Swint says. Ay-oh!

rob said...

illinois beats clemson. hmmm.

Mark said...

Bruce Weber looks like he saved his job in the last year or so. Seat was getting pretty hot for him. But he's moderately successful the past season plus and he's recruiting Chicago really well now.

And Whit, I hate the word fiancee, not going to be using it.

Whitney said...

Strangely and annoyingly, the Tribe-VCU will be televised . . . at the same exact time the Tribe-Salukis football game is being televised. TiVo, suit up.

cgormley said...

Whit, he may not be 40 yet, but really is another 6-7 years going to change him?

Marlin said...

Suck it blue devils.