Steps for Success: Navigating Your Company's Open Bar Holiday Party

If you are like me, you are well into your 30's and you still struggle containing yourself at any function with an open bar. Doesn't matter if it's a wedding reception, a charity event or a corporate party, I still salivate at open bars (especially if they feature liquor). I have had my hits and misses over the years, so I thought I'd share some feedback to help guide you through your night.

Editor's note: The irony of this post can't be understated, as the author has a tremendous history of being wildly inappropriate while drunk and has no business telling anybody else how to behave while shitfaced. Or sober, for that matter.

My new company canceled the official holiday party this year because there will be enough backlash already with a reduced bonus pool. Stupid recession. As such, some overeager young beavers in the office put together an employee-sponsored party. Many of the proletariats in the office will be there, but a smattering of other folks will attend as well. As a new employee and a lover of all things booze-related, I felt obligated to get a weeknight hall pass from the wife and make a strong showing. Much to the chagrin of Z-Man and the Teej, my steps for success have nothing to do with these steps, these steps, or, for that matter, these steps.

Don't get drunk! Ah, ha ha ha. Just kidding. Had to throw that one out there to see if you all were awake. We know this ain't happening, so let's really start.

Manage your food intake. You want to have something in your stomach, but not be so bloated on greasy appetizers that a shot will make you vomit your tonsils up. Start planning at lunch - think of reasonable portions of food that are not too gross. I know it's tough, but try to eat like a normal human being, not a competitive eater who trains against himself every time he eats. And make sure to find the right early afternoon snack. A well-timed granola bar/cookie run around 4 PM may make or break your night.

Pre-drink before your open bar. You want that running start into the party because it looks bad to attack the open bar as people are getting there. Another method is to order drinks two at a time, but that's tricky. The best bet is to get a few scotches or pints under your stretched belt before hitting the party. It makes people think you're gregarious, when you're really just early to the drunk party.

Identify a pace horse. There will be somebody at the party who will make no attempt to hide the fact that he (or she, though usually a he) is there to get all sorts of hammered. As a person who shares the same goal but does not wish to broadcast said goal, it is your job to find this person immediately and make sure you are always slightly less drunk than that person. Doesn't matter if you're the second shittiest person at a party, as long as you appear less drunk than the shittiest person. And remember this - if you're drinking heavily and you can't find a pace horse, it may be you. And that's no good.

Do everything in your power to identify the pace horse to everybody else at the party (except the pace horse itself, dummy). Since you plan to be one of the drunker people at the party, you need to deflect attention from yourself at all costs. It doesn't matter if the pace horse is a good friend, your boss, your subordinate or the assblood from the 5th floor, make him known to all. This protects you a great deal after you spill your vodka tonic in your crotch, get cocktail sauce on your white shirt and absentmindedly rip a pungent fart while taking a whiz next to the department head. This is Corporate America, so the best defense is to throw somebody else under bus.

Never ever dance with Dutch men while throwing a gourd around. This one may be narrower in scope, but it happened to me one night a decade ago after eleventy vodka tonics and a poor decision by a girlfriend at the time to leave me alone for a few minutes. Next thing you know, you're pulled onto a dance floor by a secretary while holding the gourd on the table used as a centerpiece and you think it's funny to throw it to the group of guys from the Netherlands office who are at the party and wandered over to the dance posse, led by the rhythmic gyrations and trashy perfume of Staten Island secretaries. The Dutchmen think it's funny and start heaving it around amongst themselves. Soon, everybody in the group is playing hot potato with a vegetable while the bumpin' sounds of Lou Bega blast overhead and the women you work with flee the dance floor for fear that you'll peg them in the head. And then it's just you, a gourd and guys with funny accents. And a subsequent morning of head-scratching and regrets.

Know when to lead a break-away faction to a post-party bar. This is a key moment. When your feeble defense against shitfacedry is waning. gather your close-knit band of drinking buddies and branch out somewhere where you can be wasted in a safe environment. Irish pubs are always a safe bet.

Buy the first round at the break-away bar. Your merry band of fellow drunken morons will slowly lose their coherence, so let their last memory be one of you stuffing a drink in their hands. You can milk that round the rest of the night, especially as folks get even more hammered.

Water and Advil. Remember them before, during and after the night. Enough said on that.

Happy drinking.