Monday, December 21, 2009

The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On The 8th Day....

On the eighth day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me...

Eight Men A Milking
Five Golden RingsFour-gone

The paralyzing effect of milk in our culture has gone unmeasured for way too long. So, we thought it would be time here at G:TB to continue not measuring it. People love it. People despise it. They need it in their coffee, they love it in their oatmeal, put it anywhere near their tea and they’ll chop your legs off. Take a quick trip to the local grocer on the eve of a winter blizzard to see what I mean. In 30 minutes you'll find emotions ranging from paranoia to complacency to revolution – and that’s just in the parking lot. If you’re lucky enough to make it
to the refrigerated section, you’re in for a real treat.

Our commitment to la leche league here is well documented...but, based on some coarse winter field studies, what becomes of these poor weened souls post-latch is at best comical and at worst horrifying. The desire for nature's nectar has become somewhat akin to a rabid dog tasting chicken blood for the first time. Thankfully, as with any good capitalist society, we've managed to temper that thirst with a range of products so mind numbing it's as if you've buried your head in a snow drift. It's an awful lot like this blog really; more specifically the men who write it. You may have had a sip before, but there comes such an insatiable craving, that the only satisfying solution is an offering of tastes so indecipherable that if you came here just thirsty enough you'll assume you've had something you liked when you left. If we were milk products, well that would be disgusting. But, if we were....you'd have the following 8-man blog dairy section:

Rob aka "1%" - You may think it's a reference to his height percentile, but really it's the amount of brain capacity needed to beat you in a game of chess. Unless he's playing Swint, at which point you can call him 2%.

Whitney aka "Organic" - Always tries to keep it real, nobody really knows if he's full of shit, and rubs it in your face if you pick anything else (not the shit, that would also be disgusting; your ignorance I mean).

TJ aka "Heavy Whipping Cream" aka "HWC" aka "H-Dub" - From cupcake icing to a fine lobster bisque, accept no substitute.

Dennis aka "Skim" - Fits the build, plus it's the only one you should be drinking anyway.

Mark aka "Half and Half" - You thought he was going to be "chocolate milk" didn't you? Keeping G:TB's street cred 100 percent correct 50 percent of the time since 2008...

TR aka "Whole" - If you get any of TR, you get all of TR.

Dave aka "1/2 %" - Depending on what year it is and/or how developed your town is, this is the one for you. And yes, there is in fact a half percent milk. It's not a myth.

Zoltan aka "Lactaid" - Sometimes it's all you can tolerate, but you've got to have something right?...And if you've ever seen Zoltan's nipples lactating, well then you've seen everything.

And since it's the season of giving, you can call the Wheelhouse "Goat's Milk" - it sounds fancy, but really just leaves a bad taste in your mouth. And it's the best nickname ever.

Happy Holidays!

63 comments:

zoltan said...

You should have gone with "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea." And my nipples are nothing to laugh at.

mayhugh said...

If you can drink 1%, you can drink skim. The taste difference is negligible. Away with this 1/2% already.

TR said...

I'm still upset that my request to be called "Heavy Cream" was denied. I'm filing a protest with the Executive Editorial Board over this.

And I'm surprised LL Cool J's "Milky Cereal" didn't work its way in here.

TR said...

Peter King's comments about the Giants-Skins game, written Monday morning:

"...we'll see if the line can protect Eli Manning against what's going to be an onslaught from 'Skins defensive coordinator Greg Blache."

I wouldn't use onslaught to describe that defense. Shit sandwich is more appropriate.

TJ said...

This post is formatted like a ransom note.

TJ said...

Why is Vinny Del Negro still employed this morning?

TR said...

Sean May turns 26 in April. What are the chances his NBA career will be over by then?

Mark said...

The same as his chances of being over 300 lbs, I would guess.

Mark said...

TJ...somebody has to walk John Paxson's dogs.

Whitney said...

TR, Peter King doesn't need me to plead his case, but the Washington defense has actually has been relatively solid this year -- up until last night. They were giving up fewer points than 2/3 of the league, even when their offense kept giving the other team the ball in good field position.

The offense, meanwhile, has been slightly less organized and consistent than one you diagram in the playground dirt, and that remained the same. Seems like the defense just gave up. Lame duck coach, another dead season, lots and lots of money in the bank.

Jim Zorn was wronged by Danny Snyder in the first half of the season, and then in the second half he went out and showed everyone why he really should be relieved of his duties. Zero focus, mind-numbingly stupid plays (called and executed), mental mistakes, and now a huge white flag. The Zorn Convention is coming to a close.

TR said...

I totally agree with you, Whit. I just found King's prediction amusing when I read his MMQB column this morning. I usually get to it on Monday.

TJ said...

This Day in Sports

1973 -- Buffalo's O.J. Simpson becomes the first player in NFL history to rush for 250 yards in a single game.

TJ said...

Do Not Want:

The Yankees are closing in on acquiring Javier Vazquez in a five-player deal with the Braves, SI.com has learned.
The deal would send Vazquez and Boone Logan to the Yankees for Melky Cabrera, Mike Dunn and a prospect to Atlanta.

rob said...

how can you not want boone logan? he was awesome in animal house.

TJ said...

Javier Vazquez and his vagina have already failed miserably in NY. Why in god's name would they bring him back? Does Brian Cashman have amnesia?

rob said...

does moving melky mean damon stays in the bronx?

TR said...

It may mean that, Rob. Or it means they think that Brett Gardner can hit .270. If Gardner can be a reasonable hitter and get 400 ABs, he'll steal over 40 bases and be a solid presence before Jeter hitting leadoff.

I'm still not sure if the Yanks are slotting Granderson into CF or LF. Me thinks LF is the answer. I think the Yanks don't believe in the Melk-man. Not enough average, not enough steals, not enough HRs and a strong, yet terribly erratic throwing arm.

TR said...

So Maura Johnston and Christoper R. Weingarten of the Village Voice decided to write a hilarious and scathing article that cites the Counting Crowes' "Big Yellow Taxi" as the worst song of the decade. I strongly recommend you read it:

http://blogs.villagevoice.com/music/archives/2009/12/the_50_worst_so_43.php

Here's a snippet where the authors directly address Adam Duritz: "You know the line about how they "paved paradise and put up a parking lot?" Like how they replaced something beautiful with something cold and heartless and commercial? That's you. You're the parking lot, motherfucker. You drove your shitty steamroller over something everyone loved so you could pander your sensitive pussyhound whine to people waiting in line at the Carl's Jr. They paved Nirvana and put up a Counting Crow. Argh!

rob said...

i stand in salute to that article. a-fucking-men.

rob said...

also, the tribe is now 14th in the rpi heading into tonight's roadie against radford. don't sleep on the highlanders. they worry me.

Whitney said...

Teej, your inclusion of news about Melky Cabrera in the comments of this particular post was brilliance. Nice work.

TR said...

Here are the initial comments from the best Yankee beat-writer blog around:

For the bargain price of Melky, Mike Dunn and (apparently) the other A-Rod, Arodys Vizcaino, Cashman has:

1. Given the Yankees rotation incredible depth.
2. Likely pushed the Yankees toward a resolution on the Joba to the pen question.
3. Retained financial flexibility for next offseason and beyond (Vazquez’s contract is up after 2010).
4. Relieved a glut of extra outfielders.

Not bad for one move. And no, I don’t believe for a second that Brett Gardner will be anywhere in the Yankees Opening Day outfield.

This was a strong move for Cashman to make because it is WAY easier to find a reasonable option in left field than it is to find a starting pitcher – let alone one who finished fourth in Cy Young voting a year ago and offers an appealing contract.

TJ said...

Thank you Whitney. I was hoping someone might get that.

Marlin said...

I f'ing hate John Sterling.

zoltan said...

Melky is the tits.

Dave said...

love "in the aeroplane over the sea."

i have NEVER drank a glass of milk-- chocolate, white, shake-- never. the stuff totally grosses me out.

Whitney said...

That is weird, Dave. And that is grammatically incorrect. It should be "drunk."

And so should I.

Whitney said...

In this month's Paste magazine (which by now you all subscribe to, since it was touted during Music Month), the back page has a silly little puff piece on predictions gone awry throughout music/entertainment history, including:

"1995 - We have heard the future of rock music, and it is named Seven Mary Three."

Not cool, Paste people. Not cool.

Mark said...

Seven Mary Three...I think I saw one of those guys panhandling for change last time I was in downtown Orlando.

TR said...

It's fun to bash Seven Mary Three, and I do it a lot. But it's also interesting to realize they had a platinum-selling album, headlined venues that held a few thousand people and were genuine (low level) rock stars for a few years.

So the trip may have been shorter, less lucrative and a bit bittersweet, but I bet those guys had some fun times in their early/mid 20's. Three of the four guys were W&M grads, so you figure they planned for the decline and at least put themselves in a position to have a decent career in music. The fourth, Casey the bassist, was from Orlando and likely is panhandling. I remember when he showed me his stab wounds during his 20th birthday party.

The lead singer (Jason Ross?) lived off-campus. I delivered food to him one night and he had the coolest bong (under 5 feet) I ever saw in the 'Burg. Not bad for a Sigma Chi.

rob said...

7m3 drummer giti khalsa was (is, really) good friends with a number of us. i talked to him at a wedding a few years ago and vividly remember him saying 'i'll never have to work another day in my life if i don't want to'. so, yeah, i'd guess at least a few of them invested the money fairly well.

Mark said...

I was joking about Casey. I used to hang out and get high with his brother all the time during the 3 summers when I worked at a summer camp in Orlando.

Provided that 7M3 had a decent record deal I'd imagine they made a nice amount of money. They are fun/easy to make fun of, but their music wasn't terrible and they (at least from interviews I heard/read) seemed to have a good sense of who they were and a good sense of humor about things as well.

Whitney said...

Giti not only invested his money well, he's now working for Smith Barney as a "Wealth Advisory Associate" helping other rock stars and people with quick windfalls ensure long-term benefits. As evidenced here.

rob said...

i guess he decided he did, in fact, want to work another day in his life. and i think i knew that he was doing that job, but the knowledge was obtained at 3:30 in the morning at homecoming two years ago and thusly was deeply, deeply buried.

Mark said...

Nice move by him. Makes sense on a number of levels. I'm sure he has some nice size commissions and I'd bet plenty of stars or at least semi-celebrities are more apt to go with somebody who's lived a similar lifestyle than some random dude who can't relate to them on that level.

rob said...

nice to have a fallback, indeed. sooner or later, it's over your shoulder. and then what do you do?

TR said...

As Marls, the Z-Man and I discussed during a rare boozy lunch today, opening a car wash is clearly the best bet for retired athletes/rock stars, because Charles Oakley and Lenny Dykstra did it. 7M3 should do it and say "We'll get that GRUNGE off your car. Our equipment is so good that it's not a CUMBERSOME process."

rob said...

rodrigo, the star employee, would punch in, punch out just like he was told.

rob said...

ken pomeroy's hoops computer projects the tribe at 20-8, 13-5 in the caa. from his supergenius to god's ear.

Marlin said...

Does it also predict our nut punch first round exit to the winner of the play-in game?

zoltan said...

Great bio page for Giti.

http://fa.smithbarney.com/giti/story.htm

zoltan said...

There's a Presidential Pet Museum in Williamsburg?

Dave said...

hey, whit and rob. i think "random idiots" should start a failed rock star consulting firm.

we've played to crowds nearing twenty people, and i think those experiences could help us to advise people how to fail similarly with their money.

rob said...

texas/michigan state is fun

rob said...

tribe hangs on by their fingernails to win at radford, 70-68. now 8-2 heading into next week's game at maryland.

mayhugh said...

Nice win, Tribe.

Anybody watching the MAACO Bowl? My bets are Teej and Mark.

rob said...

mark's probably watching cal/kansas. or smoking rock.

Jerry said...

It's windy

Mark said...

A little freebase tonight. Staying up late to have few with Greg. CBB on TV1 all night and the MAACO bowl on TV2. It'd be nice if the Beavers could get their shit together.

mayhugh said...

I have a hard time putting up with Lou Holtz and his suffering succotash lisp for a full evening.

mayhugh said...

Oregon St. playing a hybrid defense. it's not working.

mayhugh said...

Jerry - inciteful and concise.

mayhugh said...

Let's make that "insightful"

rob said...

i failed to consider the possibility of multiple televisions. redskinesque oversight on my part.

rob said...

i don't want to like him, but bob knight is really good at talking about basketball.

Dan said...

quiet here today...is everyone off?

zoltan said...

Yeah, we want holiday party stories.

Dan said...

yeah. yeah. holiday party stories. how'd the open bar/drink strategizing work out? who puked? anyone get lucky?

am very impressed and concerned w/tribe bball success this year. is it real? (or is it memorex)

TJ said...

Day Nine will be here in mid-afternoon...

rob said...

danny, there are lots of reasons to believe that it's real. and 60+ years of history that says it isn't.

Whitney said...

According to CBS Sports, W&M's colors are "Green, Gold and Silver." Is this right? When did silver enter the mix?

zoltan said...

If you're into football and statistics, pro-football-reference.com has a good blog. Especially fun for killing time between Gheorghemas posts. For instance, here's why Terrell Davis should make the Hall of Fame:

http://www.pro-football-reference.com/blog/?p=5113

Mark said...

I'm "working" but I've spent most of the day finishing up some last minute shopping as well as buying a few birthday gifts for the lady. Her birthday is New Year's Eve and I'd rather get all my shopping done now so I can start concentrating on drinking.