Friday, December 25, 2009

Twenty Grades Inflating


Perhaps things have changed in Williamsburg, but I doubt it. Although my memories of college are scant (similar to the scenario in The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I erased most of my sophomore year . . . instead of that foil helmet, I used the Mickey's bigmouth) but one thing I am certain of is this: I was better looking than 95% of the girls on campus. My friends were hot as well (we're talking Whitney with hair, and Rob Russell was six foot one back then). I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I say that every girl I hooked up with in college was not only uglier than me , but they weighed more as well. I was svelte. I had hair on my head. I did not have hair on my back (but many of the women I fondled did). The situation was grim, but thank goodness, there wasn't much of a drug scene at William and Mary back then, or I would have turned to it. The lack of lovely ladies would have led to addiction and worse.

College Prowler reports otherwise. This is a site one of my students told me about: it gives colleges extensive report cards, and in many areas well beyond the academic. You can check out William and Mary's grades here. I am extremely wary of these, though-- perhaps the reviews are biased because the ratings come from students of the college . . . it's like the scene in When a Stranger Calls . . . the reviews are coming from inside Yates. So when they give the drug scene an "A," it makes me wonder. And when they rate the guys a "B" and the girls a "B+" it makes me downright angry. Just look at the image above; William is so much hotter than Mary (and it appears that this year's homecoming queen was a pretty homely representation of both genders). But, of course, things may have changed. I should have an open mind, and remain optimistic about the scene in the 'burg, except that the last grade is for weather. I am guessing that this has not changed (or if it has, it's for the worse) yet it earns a "B." This for a place that gets no sea breeze, is ALWAYS humid (unless it's raining) and doesn't get cold enough for any real snow accumulation. Poison ivy and mosquitoes thrive. If this is "B" weather, then what warrants "C"? Death Valley? My anus? When I was at William and Mary, a "C" was an honorable grade, but it seems this is true no longer. The grade inflation of the Ivy Leagues has reared its ugly head.

To further this report, I will embark on Gheorghe's first gonzo reporting mission. You won't hear from me for a while, as am I am dying my hair and going back to my old school for four more years. Like this guy . . .

8 comments:

rob said...

merry christmas to the internet's best band of degenerate knuckleheads.

Mark said...

Merry Christmas to all. Now somebody pass me a beer while I try and finish assembling this basketball hoop.

zoltan said...

Merry Christmas. Is this a belated April Fool's Day post?

TJ said...

Why thank you tiny...merry christmas right back at you and yours. And all our dearest readers.

TJ said...

Nice "when a stranger calls" ref...makes me think of that Bud Ice (?) ad campaign with the penguin making harassing calls from inside the house.

rob said...

fitting new take on mark's favorite xmas movie going live in 90 minutes or so.

TJ said...

Can we be lucky enough to get a second Argyle reference is a week?

rob said...

gotta watch closely