Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Rinse, Repeat

Much more to come on my family's excellent Montreal adventure, which sadly concluded yesterday with a ten-hour drive back to a place where all the street signs are in English and people look at you funny when you say 'merci'. Just a tease, then, for you today.

We worked with a sports travel company called Fandeavor (about whom I don't have enough positive things to say) to book our trip. Originally, we had a small room at the Springhill Suites in Old Montreal, and we were pretty excited about it.

About two weeks before the trip, Fandeavor emailed to let me know they had extra rooms in their reserved block at the Ritz Carlton, and wanted to know if we'd like to stay there for the same rate. And, oh, because there were no available rooms at the Ritz with two beds, would we be okay with a suite with an adjoining Queen?

We would, indeed.

As you might imagine, the Ritz was so choice. Heated bathroom floors, touchscreen-controlled lighting, infinity pool on the roof, immaculate hospitality, and lots and lots of beautiful people (my family notwithstanding, though my wife and kids are pretty cute).

But all of that paled in comparison to my life-changing introduction to the TOTO multifunctional toilet/bidet. We were, most definitively, not in Kansas anymore. I'll spare you to gory (or, actually, squeaky-clean) details, but suffice it to say that going back to my rinse-free routine will require an adjustment period.

This magic invention retails for $1,800, a pittance compared to its bum-spoiling value. If you've never had the pleasure, do your ass a favor, and find an establishment that's installed one. You'll thank me.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Last Day of Summer

This deserves a much fuller treatment, but I have neither the time nor the inclination to write a bunch of words for an audience that rises and sleeps in a world made better by Dan Povenmire and Jeff Marsh.

The greatest children's television show of my parenting era signs off tonight. It's the 104th day of summer in Danville, home of Phineas and Ferb. (Also, Baljeet, Buford, Isabella, Candace, Perry the Playtpus, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, Norm the Robot, and assorted others.)

My kids don't watch much P&F these days, their attention shifting to Instagram, Netflix, Dan and Phil (what an insane shitshow those two vloggers are), and other pastimes. But they, like their father, loved the show for a period of time.



From the perspective of the youth set, Phineas and Ferb (stepbrothers with a penchant for invention, subversion, and witty bon mots) are an object lesson in creativity, self-reliance, inclusion, problem-solving and teamwork. With some young love, a little whimsy, a lot of music, and a dash of libertarianism.

And for parents, the show offered a relentlessly positive message for kids wrapped in an entertaining, adult-winking, rock-soundtracked, cheer and pro-learning package. Boredom, even in the summer, was never an option for our heroes. Nothing to do? Invent a time machine. Travel through space. Build a robot. Start an army. And avoid getting busted by your teenage sister.

This post fails completely to do Phineas and Ferb justice. Just watch tonight. And again and again.

In the words of Buford, 'Yippee Kai-ay, you pharmacist freaks.'

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Sophomor(ic) Effort(s)

Grantland recently ran an article listing various editors' favorite second albums from hiphop acts. I don't have a problem with any of the selections, mainly because Steve Hyden had the good sense to include The Low End Theory--any such list without this album would be suspect. I do, however, think they missed a number of obvious choices, and so does Mark. So here are our thoughts on this completely unimportant matter.

zman

Public Enemy, It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back

A seminal album in hiphop. I've never heard anyone say it's overrated. If you like music and have broad musical tastes, you probably already own this CD.



Jungle Brothers, Done by the Forces of Nature

One of my all-time personal favorites. I've never heard anyone say it's overrated, mainly because most people have never listened to it. You should. It's fantastic. The Jungle Brothers were sort of a proto-De La Soul/Tribe group, founding members of the Native Tongues posse.



Boogie Down Productions, By All Means Necessary

BDP invented gangsta rap with their first album Criminal Minded. They then pivoted to the then-burgeoning "conscious rap" genre with By All Means Necessary. KRS-ONE's verses are almost 20 years old yet they're still culturally relevant. This is also Scott LaRock's last album; he was killed before it was completed.



Ghostface Killah, Supreme Clientele

GFK's second solo album, although he appeared on multiple albums with the entire Wu-Tang Clan and as a guest on other WTC members' solo albums. I can't say enough good things about Supreme Clientele, and I've said plenty about it here already.




Mark

Outkast, ATLiens

You could make the case that Outkast are the greatest group in hip hop history. In fact, I would make that case if this were a different post. After the success of their debut, "Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik", Outkast reemerged three years later a much different duo from when we saw them last. Somewhat older, much wiser and no long content to simply opine on the drugs, guns, women and violence they encountered in their Southwest Atlanta neighborhood. The sound of Oukast would continually evolve in the coming years but ATLiens was the our first clue as to where they were headed. The video from the first single, "Elevators" left no choice but to take notice of the beginning of this evolution.



Redman, Dare iz a Darkside

New Jersey's Reggie Noble followed up his gold debut album, "Whut? Thee Album" with this effort. Though once again largely produced by mentor Erick Sermon, this album was more driven by Redman's unique personality and gave listeners a deeper look into his strange, smoked out mind. Certain songs like "Cosmic Slop" and "Can't Wait" are highlights, but the whole album holds up well to this day and reminds listeners of what a lyrical force Redman was before he began making movies and hanging out with Method Man.



Whitney

Beastie Boys, Paul's Boutique

I got back to college headed into sophomore year (Coincidentally.) I moved into the fraternity house suite. I went upstairs to find Dave and Rob's room, already messy. One of the very first things out of Dave's mouth in that conversation was, "Hey, the Beastie Boys have a new album. I have the CD." I had loved LTI in high school, but like everybody else, I wondered what came next.

We put it on and listened to it, and again and again. The three bad brothers you know so well (this time Dave, Rob, and myself) got a bunch of Mickey's Big Mouths, cut ourselves opening them, and listened to Paul's Boutique on repeat. We read and learned the lyrics. We picked favorite tracks (mine: "Looking Down the Barrel of a Gun"). We heard Dave get philosophical about the omnipresence of dairy foods and wax on the record. These songs weren't quite like anything we had heard, and I had taken in a lot of rap from ages 13-18. Unlike many, many other albums, it never got old. Ever.

Dave's high school hoodlum buddies came down to Williamsburg, and we drank cheap swill and bugged out to Paul's Boutique. We introduced other fratres to it; some passed on it, others like Fitz caught the bug. It dominated our music soundscape for quite a while.  A few years later someone in the house had a copy of Spin magazine (crap). It had a list of top 10 Underrated Albums. Paul's Boutique was on it, as was Sandinista! -- I thought to myself, huh, those two were most of my listening sophomore year.  We never realized Paul's Boutique was underrated and a commercial disappointment because we lived in a total and utter vacuum in college.  To us, it was the greatest, and everybody knew it.  25 years later, everyone does.




Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Pandering

Mazda really wants me to buy a Miata again.



I'm sure this will inspire chuckles but my 1993 was the second-favorite car I've owned. Like driving a go-kart with air conditioning. Unfortunately, I don't see any new cars in my near future, and in the event I do get another car it will probably be a minivan. But this commercial is ... persuasive.

Tuesday, June 09, 2015

If it ain't broke...

rob claims to be super busy this week, so I offered to jump in and post...something. As a one-trick filler pony, here's what I have for you this morning:

Monday, June 08, 2015

Mail It In, Big Fella!

It's a disaster of week here in the GTB editorial offices. Don't expect much. 

In the wake of last night's epic, ugly, crazy, intense Cavaliers win, here's a flashback to another time LeBron found himself in the center of a media firestorm. I don't think there's ever been a superstar who gets the same treatment as James. As I said on Twitter last night, if LeBron was officiated in the same way as Michael Jordan was, James would go to the line 25 times a game, and score 45 each night. He's simply an original, and I think he's the best ever.

From June 9, 2011:

"A disaster of mammoth proportions."

"Inexplicable."

"Inexcusable."

"Mystifying."

These and dozens (if not thousands) of other words died in vain over the past two days, sent forth to battle from the tongues and pens of the warriors of the great chattering sportshype machine in response to LeBron James' subpar and oddly passive effort in the 4th quarter of Tuesday's NBA Finals Game 4. General Stephen A. Smith implied (hell, he asserted) on this morning's Mike and Mike Show that LeBron was facing personal issues that were impacting his performance. (In a stunning display of both cowardice and look-at-me yellow journalism, Smith also claimed to know all about the issues, but declined to elaborate.)

Let us stipulate that James, the most physically gifted player in the NBA indeed played badly and un-starlike in the quarter in question. Let us further stipulate that his self-aggrandizing "Decision" was badly conceived and terribly executed. But we come here today not to bury LeBron James, but to wonder what the fuck we as a sports society want from him?

While we all say championships are what matter and build shrines to winners, we have an oddly skewed perspective on LeBron. Instead of celebrating a player who has routinely sublimated his (fairly massive) ego in pursuit of a championship, we flay LeBron any chance we get. The man took less money to play with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh. He was clearly the star of the Eastern Conference Finals with his two-way play against Derrick Rose and the Bulls. And now, four games later, he's a bum because Wade's outshone him against the Mavericks? Bullshit.

Sally Jenkins rode to the rescue in today's Washington Post, channeling no less a sage than Phil Jackson, the man who convinced both Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant that they needed to share the ball at least a little in order to win. Says Jenkins,
“The fact is, selflessness is the soul of teamwork,” Jackson said a few years ago to EnlightenNext magazine. “We have a practical rule in our game: When you stop the basketball — when it resides in your presence and you hold it for longer than two counts — you’ve destroyed our rhythm. When the ball is in your hands, you become the focal point. And when you become the focus, our system breaks down. It’s that simple.”

“It doesn’t matter how good individual players are — they can’t compete with a team that is awake and aware and trusts each other. People don’t understand that. Most of the time, everybody’s so concerned about not being disrespected. But you have to check that attitude at the door — that defensiveness, that protection of your own image and reputation. Everybody needs help in this game.”
It's not enough to win now, we need style points. We need our superstars to win the right way, to dominate, to see their enemies driven before them, to hear the lamentations of their women. And to do it selfishly, individually, alpha male-style. That seems a perversion of everything we teach our kids and claim to want from our colleagues.

For obvious reasons, I have a soft spot for LeBron
. I'm rooting for him to have a big game tonight and lead the Heat to a win. And then I want him to walk over to the nearest big-mouth media member and stab him to death with a pencil, exclaiming for all our blood-lusting benefit, ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

Stephen A. would still call him a pussy.

Saturday, June 06, 2015

Meow the Gheorghe

"Thank god the money is going to charity because meow the jewels is going to be the single silliest fuckin record ever recorded."

So said El-P on Twitter in January when he announced that Run the Jewels had raised over $45,000 via Kickstarter to remix their blockbuster Run the Jewels 2 record using only cat sounds behind the vocal tracks.

As mentioned recently here by zman, El-P and Killer Mike seem to be moving closer to the release date for Meow the Jewels. Fans have now donated more than $65,000 to the project, which will benefit charities supporting families who have lost loved ones to police violence, as well as animal welfare organizations.

GTB are big RTJ fans to begin with, but as you might imagine, this move hits us right in the places that make us the happiest. Sorta between the cheese place and the Muppet video place. Here's a snippet of Creown, as released via Instagram by El-P. Honestly, I really kind of like it.

A video posted by thereallyrealelp (@thereallyrealelp) on


Friday, June 05, 2015

The Scourge of New Jersey

If Dave is to be believed, Jerseyites need beware. There's a dangerous, fiendish, and very, very persistent new menace on the loose.


Fortunately, Dave is rarely to be believed.

Thursday, June 04, 2015

NBA Finals Preview

To answer a question Mark posed in the comments thread from yesterday's post, it's been a long, long time since I was as excited by an NBA Finals as I am about this one. You might have to go back as far as the 1987 matchup between the Celtics and the Lakers to find one that compares, and my excitement for that one had much more to do with my rooting interests - back then, I was a hardcore Celtics fan.

This time, three of my favorite NBA players match up for the title, and in Golden State, we're given the chance to watch the most exciting team in decades. One the one hand, Draymond Green and Steph Curry. On the other, FOGTB LeBron James.

We're not going to spend a lot of pixels on a detailed breakdown of the series - that's the province of other, far smarter and more motivated keyboarders. We do think the Warriors will win, and we think it'll be reasonably easy - let's say five games. No, we won't give you analysis. But we'll give you something nobody else will:

Cookie Monster and Busta Rhymes asking for seven games.



Wednesday, June 03, 2015

fatguyinaspeedo Previews the Women's World Cup

Our footie correspondent fatguyinaspeedo weighed in earlier this week with a post about the 2015 Women's World Cup, which kicks off this week. Little did he, or we, know how powerful his words would prove to be. We didn't even have a chance to get this post in to the queue before Sepp Blatter was forced by the power and cutting venom of these words to step down from his post as the 'President of everybody'. Well done, fatguy.

Presently it should come as no surprise to even the most disinterested soccer observer that Sepp Blatter is living proof that crime does indeed pay, sometimes quite handsomely, we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that he is sexist (and homophobic) to boot.  He is Switerland’s own nod to the totalitarian triple threat.

Notwithstanding this, the Women’s World Cup kicks off on June 6 and gives even Dave a reason to (once again) care about Canada. Oddly enough, in a country as apathetic to footie as the USA the USWNT are the dominant force in world soccer and are (barely) ranked 2nd to Germany going into the WWC. We were #1 from 2008-2014 and averaged #2 from 2003-2008 and won World Cups in 1991 and 1999 and Olympic Gold in ’96, 2004, ’08 and ’12. Not bad for a side that came into existence in 1985. Actually, pretty fucking incredible and I’d welcome any comparisons to worldwide sports dominance in such a short timeframe as I’m drawing the usual reference blank.

We came in second in the 2011 World Cup to Japan, a bittersweet loss in that a hugely unflavored Japanese side overcame all odds and triumphed mere months after the earthquake/tsunami devastated their nation. Bittersweet for viewers at least, the USWNT were sorely disappointed and will be back to crush in normal fashion next week. (Editor's Note: I don't think this is very likely. The USWNT looked like canned ass during the run up to the WWC, and Alex Morgan's health is extremely iffy. Head coach Jill Ellis' (W&M '88) decision to exclude Crystal Dunn from the squad looks increasingly questionable, as Dunn is on a tear in NWSL play and the U.S. midfield struggles to develop chemistry.) 

What the womens team has in common with the last men’s world cup team is that they are in the “group of death” along with Australia, Sweden and Nigeria. What they don’t have in common with the men is that they will undoubtedly advance in the second round and not many people will notice. As a side note it’s time the “group of death” moniker is retired and replaced with something suitably banal like “groupmageddon” or “groupocalypse”™.

Before this gets too long-winded and I get too far away from Blatter, a couple of notes worth mentioning:

Abby Wambach leads all humans in that she has scored 182 international goals (241 caps).  Iranian Ali Daei leads all men with 109 goals (149 caps)

Alex Morgan won’t be playing as many minutes with a bum knee. This means Sydney Leroux will be taking her place.

Megan Rapinoe is coming off a knee injury and might not be able to do this:



Abby Wambach broke her nose a couple of weeks ago and isn’t getting it fixed until after the World Cup so she doesn’t miss any training. Check out this video and watch her head get stapled at the :50 second mark so she could keep playing.

Hope Solo will do something stupid.

In case you’re still with me (I Hope) some bonus Blatter:

In 2013 Blatter hugged Sarah Huffman, Wambach’s wife and called her Marta, confusing her for the Brazilian five-time player of the year. He had no clue who one of the all-time best women’s soccer player was and runs FIFA. At least they look alike:

Marta












Sarah Huffman














In the interest of consistency, Alex Morgan noted that Blatter didn’t who she was in 2012 at a dinner for the top three female soccer players of the year.

Unfortunately, the women will be playing on artificial turf. Blatter cited actual grass as cost-prohibitive for FIFA but when a company agreed to provide grass for no cost to FIFA, he demurred.

A lawsuit by the best women soccer players was dropped early this year for the same reasons Stormtroopers dropped their lawsuit against the Darth Vader in the book.

As of 2013 FIFA had three(!) women executives  appointed to its 100+ year old board. Lauding this triumph in a meeting Blatter urged them “"We now have three ladies on the board," said Blatter at FIFA's congress in Mauritius. "Say something, ladies. You are always speaking at home, say something now." Viva egalite!

In 2004 he suggested the women’s game would be more popular if they, “have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty … to create a more female aesthetic, why not do it in fashion?”

Too many more Blatter blunders (Blattunders™) to list here.

Consider making the trek to our norteno neighbors next month. Witness history in the making, salute our outgoing generallisimo, and don’t forget the poutine!

Monday, June 01, 2015

What I Did For Work This Weekend

I mentioned in the comments earlier that I attended Awesome Con in Washington, DC on Saturday. I went with my podcasting colleagues to record our latest episode, focused on technology's impact on entertainment culture. We interviewed several convention-goers, as well as Ming Chen and Bryan Johnson from Kevin Smith's SMODcast network.

It's hard to capture the insane, goofy, good-natured fun of Awesome Con. It was a subculture's joyful yawping celebration of itself. It had speed-dating, took seriously the equality of women, and featured hundreds, if not thousands of people costumed in all manner of fantasy gear - I saw Wolverines, Doctors Who, Lara Crofts (boy, did I), Warios, Wookies, elves, and Spocks, to name a very, very few.

I could've stayed there six hours and not seen half of the incredible sights, but here are a handful of pictures of people being their own damn selves.

This was taken at the magical weapons check-in station, a mandatory stop for convention-goers. Really.

This costume wasn't even in the top 100 most incredible getups I saw.
Sulu was there.

Love wins out.
I went to high school with the guy on the right.
He's on the Prince William County (VA) Board of Supervisors,
and as sweet-spirited a guy as you'll ever want to meet.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Squirrel Power

Two weeks ago, we told you about Baseball America's Logomania bracket. We still haven't gotten
over how terrible that name is, but we did manage to make it through. And we couldn't be happier about the winners.

Your Richmond Flying Squirrels topped the Southern League's Biloxi Shuckers in the final, earning more than 61% of the vote in a thorough victory for sciuridae the world over. The Eastern League affiliate of the San Francisco Giants scurried (waaaait a minute. scurried, sciuridae? I see what you did there, science.) through the Quad Cities River Bandits, Tennessee Smokies, and Greensboro Grasshoppers on their way to the final matchup.

No word on what Nutzy did to celebrate, though I bet there are some squirrel hookers in the Fan walking around with just a little more pocket change today than they had yesterday.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Some of You Are Gonna Need Lawyers

In the midst of an actually important story about potential abuse of police power, Gothamist dropped knowledge that's vital for the men of G:TB, especially those that frequently use public transportation.

Watch the spread, gentlemen. From the story,

"Manspreading arrests are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to numbers-driven policing in the subway system, which often takes place in the middle of the night."

As defined by Wikipedia (and holy shit, I cannot believe that this is defined by Wikipedia), manspreading is the practice of sitting in public transport with legs wide apart, thereby covering more than one seat. I think we can all agree that full on gonadal bulges accompanied by a lack of common courtesy is a scourge we should address.

The author of the Gothamist article also notes that the word "manspreading" was used by a judge in dismissing a recent case, marking the first time that that word had been used in a court of law. Mind your crotches, boys, or it won't be the last.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

A Gheorghe By Any Other Name

Dave Fairbank will not like this very much. Because it's about him.

The longtime Daily Press scribe filed his final column yesterday, capping a three-decade career chronicling Hampton Roads sports. (He probably won't like the 'longtime' thing, either, even as his own Twitter bio casts him as a relic from another age.) In an era where it seems the prime directive of sportswriters across the land is to get as much face time as possible, and the hot take is the currency of the day, Fairbank is an ego-less throwback to an earlier time, when a well-turned phrase and a killer lede were the coin of the sportswriting realm.

Glamour Shot!
I first met Dave in 1991 (or '92 - most of the events of that era blur together for me), though I doubt either one of us remembers it very well. He covered William & Mary football, and I worked in the press box for W&M's Sports Information Office, responsible for preparing drive charts and huffing mimeograph fluid fumes. After a late-season game, several of our staff retired to a local drinking establishment with some of the reporters on the Tribe beat. It was the first, but not last time Fairbank drank me under a table.

We reconnected nearly two decades later via the magic of Twitter and the resurgence (well, surgence, maybe. 're' sort of implies a previous golden era) of Tribe hoops. At some point during the 2012 CAA Basketball Tournament, I wandered down to press row and reintroduced myself.  At some very different point during the 2014 CAA Basketball Tournament, Teejay and I found ourselves stumbling around Baltimore at 2:30 in the morning with a bemused scribe in tow. It seems Dave Fairbank has a soft spot for dipshittery and the proponents thereof.

Fairbank is oft-described here as a FOG:TB, and it's true that he's become part of our community -Marls and I hung out with him at the year's CAA hoops tourney, he always stops by our Homecoming football tailgate, and the last two years he's joined our merry band of idiots for lunch at Tortuga's Lie during the Outer Banks Fishing Trip.

Marls offered this when I asked him about Fairbank, "I had a long talk with him over too many scotches at this year’s CAA tourney.  As the conversation turned from basketball, to general sports, to politics, to history, to religion; Dave’s intellect, breadth of knowledge, graciousness, and personal decency became all the more apparent.  In short, he is a really good guy in a world that all too often lacks them." I couldn't really say it much better than that, even if I don't remember that conversation (reference the aforementioned sub-table drinking). 

On a selfish note, he's sent me emails on more than one occasion with kind words in reference to something we wrote. That's meaningful to me personally, because I deeply respect the man's own writing talent. He's both a consummate journalistic professional and a gifted wit. Two of my favorite recent Fairbank pieces show his range.

He was honored with a 2013 Associated Press Sports Editor (APSE) first-place award for Feature Writing for his piece on William & Mary assistant baseball coach Josh Tutwiler's incredible survival story. How do you like this for a lede?

WILLIAMSBURG — As Josh Tutwiler plummeted through the fall Missouri air, the sheer rock face racing past and the ledge from which he fell rapidly receding, he felt his conscious mind split in two.

On the other end of the spectrum entirely, here's Fairbank previewing Old Dominion football's 2014 season:

Growing up in rural Maine, young Bobby Wilder was often alone with his thoughts, a common occurrence for residents of the least populous state east of the Mississippi. Little was given to Wilder, who subsisted on snow and deer jerky for the first 15 years of his life. 

As he grew older, he began to question whether an abundance of timber and lobster adequately compensated for the harsh winters and crushing isolation of the lower 48's Gateway to New Brunswick. He saw the toll it exacted on those around him. You think fellow Mainer Stephen King dreamed up all the twisted, horrific stuff he writes? Heck no. He was simply relaying friends' and neighbors' vacations and family gatherings. Anyway, Wilder took to football and football to him. He loved the competition, but even more the game provided the kind of human interaction and camaraderie he was permitted to see only Thursdays on the family Magnavox and in dog-eared issues of People magazine he stashed in his locker. 

Wilder viewed football as a vessel and vowed that when he could no longer play, he would remain in the game and share its lessons with others like himself. He served a 17-year apprenticeship at his alma mater, the University of Maine, which was a little like a Trappist monastery without the robes and abbey ale. When he finally had the opportunity to venture south and begin his own program at Old Dominion, he would defy convention. He would onside kick as if it were a contract incentive. He would be true to the spirit of native Algonquin tribes and follow their credo of "behanem papoose kickit wuss" — which translates roughly to "only women and children punt inside their opponents' 40." 

ODU's program soared to great heights more quickly than anyone could imagine, but now faces an even greater challenge: a program that didn't exist seven years ago competes in the Football Bowl Subdivision. Well, when you've doused yourself in whale oil and set yourself on fire to get warm, Conference USA doesn't seem so tough. There's snow in the icebox and deer jerky in the bottom left desk drawer.

I mean, read that again. It's amazing. That piece led to a round of emails in the G:TB and extended community, most of which combined a sense of awe, and the belief the Daily Press editorial staff viewed Fairbank like the brothers of Delta House saw Bluto: 'Forget it, he's rolling'. That one writer could pen both of those offerings, well, that's worth celebrating. Whether Dave likes it or not. 

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We're not the only people on the interwebs that dig Dave Fairbank and his work. Michael Litos, another FOG:TB and erstwhile CAA hoops community member, offered this (in about 30 minutes, which speaks to his fondness for Fairbank) when asked for memories of the man's work:

Dave Fairbank made me nervous, that first time he acknowledged me. We passed each other in the tunnel that connects the Richmond Marriott to the Richmond Coliseum at the 2004, maybe 2005, CAA tournament.

There were head nods, but mine was filled with anxiety. I mean, this was Dave Fairbank. An actual beat guy whose stuff I read. I wanted to talk #caahoops for my very average blog, and was new to this part of the show.

"Hey."

"Hey."

We eventually got to know each other, and my admiration for his writing style only increased. He's retiring, and that's a loss for anyone who reads his stuff.

Fairbank would not want some long, gushy tome. That's not his style. Dave's dry wit makes the Sahara thirst, and he'd probably prefer you wake up one day in October when The Tribe begins practice again and wonder "what happened to Fairbank? I haven't read his stuff in awhile."

However he is worthy of something for his great career and sensational writing, so I'll let his writing do the talking. This is from a piece he wrote on former Tribe center Tim Rusthoven (#Beasthoven in our hearts), which I've had bookmarked in my browser for more than two years.

The lead is glorious--poking fun at the town, the coach, and oh by the way establishing what he will talk about:

There's a saying around William and Mary Basketball World Headquarters: Do your work early. It has nothing to do with the town's glut of pancake houses or a latent Amish streak in head coach Tony Shaver.

Towards the middle you get a spot-on and descriptive overview of Beasthoven's impact on the floor:

Rusthoven isn't the Tribe's most gifted player, which he readily admits. He is W&M's most important player. He provides a post presence for a team that plays outside-in, that spreads the floor and attempts to create space for passers and cutters and perimeter shooters. He forces opponents to defend honestly and not simply concentrate on the Tribe's wings and guards.

And then he summarizes with a behind-the-scenes anecdote, which brings you closer to the action and ties the piece together--and he manages to work in "three different kinds of cheesed off:"

In a recent loss at Northeastern, Shaver was three different kinds of cheesed off at the Tribe's dismal first-half performance. He demanded that Rusthoven get a touch on every possession of the second half. The players didn't quite comply, but the message was delivered. He finished with a career-high 25 points and 11 rebounds as the Tribe came back and took the league leaders to double overtime.

There’s so much more. I admit I had to Ghoogle (Editor's Note: We see what you did there, MGL) this one, but I remember Fairbank flashing his wordsmith prowess in a hilarious way--placing a Hampden-Sydney quarterback in a romance novel. Flat out brilliant:

The Tigers of the Old Dominion Athletic Conference showcase a remarkably versatile passing attack. Their leader, Nash Nance, sounds like either a quarterback, the lead in a Southern romance novel, or the alter ego of a crimefighting superhero. Perhaps all three.

[Excerpt from the soon-to-be-released novel: Quarterback's Diablo Heart

Nance coolly surveyed the field as the comely Sabrina Wickersham stood alongside him, her milky white hands trembling with anticipation, a forelock of her auburn hair masking the fear in her eyes.

"Nash, you mustn't throw into double coverage. It's too dangerous."

"Sabrina, my little doe, don't worry. The safety's cheating too far forward and he won't be able to help the corner over the top."

Nance let fly, then took Sabrina into his arms for a deep kiss. He never saw the pass drop into Walker's hands 55 yards downfield. He didn't have to. There was work to be done and a city to be saved.]

Putting all of that into context: you know those folks who post links to their writing on twitter, and you stop what you are doing to read them? That’s Dave Fairbank, a stop-and-read quality writer.


Salut.

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We count ourselves fortunate here at G:TB to have turned more than a few online acquaintances into real-world friendships. The aforementioned MGL is one of them. LeBron James another. And we're really pleased to count Dave Fairbank in that number. Given his choice of beachside (semi?)retirement venues, we're quite certain that we've not seen the last of him.

And we're still working on getting him to write that comprehensive history of William & Mary basketball. We'll write the chapter on G:TB's influence on the Tribe's recent success.

Godspeed, Dave. We'll see you at the beach.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

WTF Update

"What the fuck gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future." - Miles, from Risky Business

I resolved (sort of) in January to fight against my natural inclination towards caution, deeming 2015 my Year of What the Fuck. Let's go to the video to see how I'm doing.

Rock star. Small stage.
Okay, there's no video. But here's what the next three months of my life looks like:
  • Running a conference bringing together people from across my company in a way that's never been done before. If I pull it off, I'm a rock star. On a small stage.
  • Spending Six days in Montreal checking out the Women's World Cup with my family.
  • Jumping out of a perfectly good airplane.
  • Canoeing the St. Croix River in Northern Maine for five nights, and heading directly from there to:
  • Attending the 21st Annual Outer Banks Fishing Trip.
  • Running a Spartan Sprint.
  • Doing a GoRuck Tough.
I haven't made as much progress on a couple of projects I've wanted to tackle, but more often than not, I've said yes instead of maybe, when maybe always means no. As a side benefit, nearly all of these things will allow me to spend time with people I care about, and bring me closer to those people. And that's not something I really gave much thought to when I decided to stop thinking and starting doing.

What the fuck, man. Freedom.



Friday, May 22, 2015

Remembering a Legend on (what would've been) his 69th Birthday

Manchester United legend George Best passed away in November 2005. He would have turned 69 today. He must've lived a very Austin Powers-esque shagadelic life, being the best soccer player in the UK in the late 60's and early 70's. The quote above seems to suggest he had his priorities right.

Happy birthday big man.

Friday Music Filler

Like most old ladies, zmother likes to forward me stupid emails that she gets from her friends. Today, however, she forwarded me something that I find inexplicably entertaining. Playback.fm has a feature that will tell you the #1 song on the day you were born. My birthday jam is predictably dope:



And it was kismet that zwoman and I would get married based on her quite strong birthday song:



Other notably good birthday joints in zfamily:

zgrandmother: Down Hearted Blues by Bessie Smith

zstepsister: Come Together by the Beatles

zstepbrother: Tears of a Clown by Smokey Robinson

zbrother: Let's Dance by David Bowie

zsister: Don't You (Forget About Me) by Simple Minds

This feature also includes a link to the song you were conceived to (i.e., the #1 song 9 months prior to your birth). Perhaps unsurprisingly, zwoman was conceived to (You're) Having My Baby by Paul Anka and Odia Coates, while I was conceived to Give Me Love (Give Me Peace on Earth) by George Harrison.

And zdaughter was, predictably, conceived to Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke.

Waste a little time this Friday and tell me whatcha got in the comments.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Dre & Eazy & Cube & Ren

Lost in the hype around the series finale of Mad Men was a mid-show commercial for a movie I did not know was coming out. It got me so fired up on my couch my wife was visibly concerned.

Fast forward to the 69 second mark if you don't want to see a cool intro w/ Dre and Cube and want to go right to the trailer.

Straight Outta Compton is coming to theaters on August 14th! I'm sure authorities in Ferguson and Baltimore aren't at all nervous about this movie.

FYI: somewhat NSFW b/c of language (duh), and because of some bare bottoms.

(somehow this is not the first time we are using the Paul Giamatti tag, which is kinda cool)


Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Fashion Is Dumb...Or Is It Ingenious?

There exists a one-piece zip-up onsesie of a suit so cleverly designed as to fool adult human beings. That, or people think that Gregory Ferenstein (of bear fame, I assume) is a shambolic dope.



Knowing people as I do, I suspect that it's mostly the former. Betabrand, famous for bringing us dress pants made of sweatsuit material, took a dare and developed Suitsy, a one-piece, zippered jumpsuit that really closely approximates an actual men's suit. Tie, shoes, and belt not included, obviously.

Says Suitsy designed Jesse Herzog, "Let's change the world, one better-looking, more leisurely gentleman at a time". GQ, meanwhile, advised prospective Suitsy wearers to "imagine yourself not being lazy and buying a proper tailored suit instead".

G:TB fashion consultant Geoff wasn't available to comment. Because he was puking with laughter.




Monday, May 18, 2015

Giant, Awakening

Some of you may have seen this, but there was a reasonably big event in international sports this weekend featuring an American breakthrough.

The U.S. Rugby Sevens squad thumped Australia, 45-22, in the championship match of the final HSBC Sevens World Series, marking the Americans' first-ever series victory. The U.S. reached the final match with a thorough 43-12 dismantling of England, made the more impressive by the fact that the match was held in the Lions' home country.



Speedster Carlin Isles gets a lot of press (and he scored a pair of ridiculous tries against England), but this win was a comprehensive one by the Eagles. Danny Barrett registered a pair of first-half tries in the final, and Madison Hughes and Maka Unufe added singles to pace the big, physical U.S. side to a 26-10 lead.

Next for the Americans is an attempt to qualify for the 2016 Rio Olympics. There's a single spot available at next month's North American and Caribbean qualifying tournament, where we'll be huge favorites. After the performance in Twickenham, which clinched a best-ever 6th-place finish in the World Series, the U.S. will be taken seriously if they make it to Rio.

Dogs and cats, living in sin.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Live, From New York

It's been a long, long time since I watched David Letterman, at least during his show's regularly scheduled broadcast. That's a function of my age and desire for sleep, not his talent. But as perhaps the greatest late night television show ever comes to an end just three days from now, it's not precisely accurate to say that I'll miss it.

What it does represent to me, though, is a passing. Letterman's legacy will live on in the imitators, the envelope-pushers, the gleeful iconoclasts pushing television and comedy in his name. But I'll never again be that kid that routinely stayed up to watch him and Paul and Biff Henderson and Chris Elliott and the litany of guests, great and otherwise.

That's the nature of things. There's no sense mourning it. Best just to laugh, and love, and acknowledge genius where we find it.

Norm MacDonald did all those things on Friday night in his final standup set on Dave's show. Pay attention to the last minute. It's got the kind of real emotion that you don't see very much in our entertainment culture.

Good for you, Norm, and Godspeed, Dave.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Walk On

If Derek Jeter had grown up in the Bronx. Had Larry Bird been raised in the Back Bay, or Dirk
Nowitzki in Deep Ellum, then maybe we'd have an American equivalent of Steven Gerrard.

The Liverpool captain and soul of his club and city plays his final home match at Anfield today, winding down his 17th season as a bit player, though still managing to score eight goals in Premier League play. As he himself admits, "I'm too old to play at this level." Too old to play to his standard, perhaps, his bone-rattling tackles, lashing drives from long range, box to box midfield play the stuff of a younger man.

But he remains an icon, a legendary figure the Reds will find impossible to replace. Says Liverpool head man Brendan Rodgers,
“I asked my staff to describe Steven in one word and they said things like ‘genuine’ and ‘quality,’ The word I would use is ‘Liverpool’. Not just Liverpool as a football club but Liverpool as a city. This is a guy who is very much about looking after his people. He loves his city. He’s had a number of opportunities to move to prestigious clubs but Liverpool is his home, he grew up around the corner, this is his place and these are the people he loves. What he’s given to this city, politicians haven’t given to this city. “All the work he does for local hospitals and charities goes unheralded. He is a wonderful symbol for the people here and an incredible icon of the club. You see in Barcelona they have the quote ‘more than a club’. You look at Steven Gerrard and he is more than football.”


FOG:TB John Day penned a terrific tribute to the Liverpool captain at Dangerman Futbol. In it, he imagines what might have been had Gerrard chosen to take one of the many offers presented to him to join one of Europe's other legendary sides. At the end, Dangerman decides that Gerrard made the right choice, "Because, for someone like Steven, a hometown boy raised in Red, the source of the applause, adoration, and admiration, likely means as much as the affection itself."

Gerrard never led the Reds to a Premier League title, the only silver missing from his stellar resume. When he slipped and turned the ball over to Chelsea's Demba Ba to cost Liverpool the 2014 Premier League championship, it was perhaps the cruelest moment in sports this decade. But he won everything else.

And there's always Istanbul, where in 2005 Gerrard led Liverpool to its fifth (and to now last) Champions League title. AC Milan took a 3-0 lead into the break against Gerrard's Reds before the captain scored the goal that kicked off a memorable comeback, and allowed him to raise the cup for his boyhood side.

 

The next, and likely final act of Stevie G's impossibly illustrious career will unwind in Los Angeles, where aging geniuses go to claim one last bit of glory. He'll walk onto the pitch in the Galaxy's unfamiliar blue and gold. But as the fans he leaves behind in his home town know, he'll never walk alone.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Go Ask Alice

We watched a William & Mary basketball player compete at the NBA Combine yesterday.

I'll let that sentence sit there for a minute.




For many college basketball fans, that doesn't even merit a second thought. Andrew and Aaron Harrison were in Chicago for the Combine yesterday, too, by I doubt many Kentucky fans spent much time thinking about it. But for us, this is the stuff of fantasy bizarro realms, like unicorns, or Clarence's magic liver restoratives.

Marcus Thornton recorded the fastest time amongst all players in the 3/4 court run. He registered the day's second-highest vertical leap, reaching 43". (Notre Dame's Pat Connaughton went 44" - the second highest mark ever recorded.) And he scored 10 points (on 2-5 FGs and 6-6 FTs), grabbed four rebounds and dropped two assists in five on five play, proving at the very least that he belonged on the court.

Courtesy of William and Mary Sports Blog, here's what ESPN's Fran Fraschilla had to say about Thornton (with a bonus Seth Greenberg shoutout to Tony Shaver***):


*** - Go to the link if you want to hear the comments, as it seems Facebook's video embed code doesn't play nicely with Blogger's editor.

Fraschilla's probably right: Marcus' realistic ceiling this year is a high-level European league. (Although, earlier in the day, Fran described Marcus as a potential second-round steal.) But a W&M player stood toe to toe with guys that'll be on NBA rosters. And there's no reason to think it impossible that he'll be one of them some day.

The Mad Hatter suddenly seems sane.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Better Know Your Minor League Mascot Tournament

It's been too long since we last brought you our Better Know Your Minor League Mascot feature. Thanks to the great minds at Baseball America, we'll kill 32 birds with one stone.

The BA team has culled the top minor league mascots from across the nation to try to identify the best in all of baseball. Dubbed Logomania 2015, the contest pits teams against one another, tournament-style. Round One is online now.

Setting aside the simply terrible contest name, (I mean, this is 2015, and Internet humor is pretty well developed at this point. There are lots of people creative enough to come up with something that didn't sound like an early 80s Warner Wolf bit.) this is an inspired bit of sports goofabilia. We both heartily approve, and look forward to the results.

For our money, we like the Brevard County Manatees, the Richmond Flying Squirrels (natch), the Lehigh Valley IronPigs, the Hillsboro Hops, and the Albuquerque Isotopes.


Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Record Store Day

Here's a recurring bit with some staying power.

Longtime G:TB fave Rhett Miller drops his new solo record, The Traveler, today. Solo might be a bit misleading, actually. While it's true that Miller isn't backed by his Old 97's mates, the record does feature Black Prairie and Peter Buck. The former includes members of The Decembrists, so Miller is surrounded by alt-rock royalty in his newest release.

Where fans of Miller's work with Old 97's might quibble with the highly-produced nature of some of his solo records, this one's far more free-wheeling. As the A.V. Club sees it, The Traveler sees "fiddle, piano, accordion, and acoustic guitar combine with evocative percussion to create riotous twang-pop, brisk folk, and rollicking bar-band rock."

I don't speak fluent rock-criticese, but that sounds to me like a good-time record. Twang-pop and rollicking bar-band rock are in my wheelhouse. You can stream the record here.

Here's 'Most in the Summertime' for your listening enjoyment. It's got a more alt-country feel than most of Miller's previous solo stuff, but fans will be pleased.




Monday, May 11, 2015

Rickie Don't Lose My Number

Here's to Rickie Fowler for winning the Player's Championship. Or shall I say, Playah's Championship? When this little number came out on the 17th green to plant a big one on the Rickster, the twitterverse seemed quick to judge. "White trash," "trade her in with that $1.8M check", "buy her some new threads."
 
You poor, poor souls.
 
Rickie is the big winner today. Proudaya fella.
 

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Lazy Sunday Filler: 80's Movies Trailers

For no good reason at all, I am throwing up trailers of some of your favorite 80's comdedies. Enjoy.









Thursday, May 07, 2015

...and a hipster Hamburglar shall lead them...

Not sure if everyone saw this yesterday, because unlike me they are not glued to Twitter every second of the day, but McDonald's decided to get all creative and shit and unleash a new Hamburglar mascot on the world...


I don't even know what to make of this completely unnecessary reboot, but hey, that's what we do these days, right, "reboot" things from the past because everyone is too fucking lazy to come up with their own fucking original ideas (apologies, I just watched the trailer for the "new" Vacation movie and am spewing bile).

The Hamburglar makeover got me thinking about what other advertising icons from our youth might be worth a fresh look in 2015, and since we were devoid of filler for the day, thought I would open this discussion up to the floor. See you in the comments.

[And in case you were curious, I'd love to see a reiteration of The Noid return in the near future.]


Wednesday, May 06, 2015

Tuesday, May 05, 2015

Champions League Semifinals Preview


Good morning, guten morgen, ciao ciao, y feliz Cinco de Mayo, Gheorghies. If it's early May, it means the Champions League is heating up. As all of you know, this event is comprised of the 32 best club teams in European football. After a shit-ton of matches to date, we are down to the semis, featuring four powerhouses. As usual of late, Spain is well represented with their superstar teams Real Madrid and Barcelona. No upstart Atletico Madrid this year, though. Also as usual of late, the British squads are nowhere to be found as we head down the stretch. Rounding out the semifinals, we have Bundesliga juggernauts Bayern Munich and a perky Juventus squad that just wrapped up a title win in Serie A. So let's figure out what to focus on here.

Semifinals Format: As is the case with other knock-out rounds (but not the final), teams play a home-and-home two-game series. Tie-breaker is most away goals scored, which makes for some great drama if the first game is a tie with goals scored. That puts the team that was at home first under the gun. They absolutely must score a goal in the second game to have a chance to advance.



Match-up 1: Juventus-Real Madrid
Game 1: Tuesday May 5th (in Turin), 2:45 PM ET
Game 2: Wednesday May 13th (in Madrid), 2:45 PM ET

Who you might be interested in seeing for Juventus: The key man up front is the Argentinian striker(formerly of Manchester United and Manchester City) Carlos Tevez, known (perhaps by only me) as El Rey de Swarth (see picture above). Despite looking like a caveman impersonating Anthony Kiedis, Tevez is quite good at putting the ball in the goal, especially in the Champions League (six goals to date in this year's tourney). Also worth watching is emerging midfielder (and ex-Man U prospect) Paul Pogba. He is an amazing athlete and I can't believe he slipped out of the grasp of my Red Devils.

If you want to play the "Hey, I know that guy!" game with more Juventus players, look for ex-Man U left back Patrice Evra, who looks a lot like Willis Drummond (pic below), but doesn't play as tough. Also look for ex-Italian national team captain Andrea Pirlo, who is more of a spot-playing reserve these days.


Who you might be interested in seeing for Real Madrid: In short, all of them. The word "loaded" doesn't even begin to describe the squad. We all know about Christiano Ronaldo's ability on the wing, Iker Casillas's skills in goal and the Peter Barrow impostor's speed and laser-like left foot on the other wing across from Ronaldo. But we also have the Mexican striker Chicharito, who is good at finding his way to the ball (but not much else), World Cup sensation James Rodriguez from Colombia, veteran Spaniard Sergio "Don't call me Val Kilmer" Ramos in defense and midfielder Luka Modric from Croatia (he lives on the second floor).



How we see this playing out: In La Liga, Real Madrid is two points back of Barcelona with three left. Their squad has been going full guns a-blazing to keep up in the race for the league title. However, it's hard to guess what's more important to fans of the club - a repeat Champions League win or a league title. All of you La Liga disciples (looking at you, Zman!) will remember Real Madrid just lost out on the title to upstart Atletico Madrid last year, and finished three points back in the race. Real Madrid fans will want both this year, but may feel the Champions League is now their best opportunity, since they don't get a crack at Barca in their last three matches.

Juve, on the other hand, is cruising in Serie A. They already clinched the title, up 15 points with four matches left. They can focus all efforts on the Champions League. But to be honest, they were lucky to get this far, having drawn a weak Monaco squad in the quarters. With a league title wrapped up, the club is firmly in the "happy to be here" camp.

Prediction: Real Madrid in an easy 5-2 (aggregate) romp.



Match-up 2: Bayern Munich-Barcelona
Game 1: Wednesday May 6th (in Munich), 2:45 PM ET
Game 2: Tuesday May 12th (in Barcelona), 2:45 PM ET

Who to watch on Bayern Munich: The German squad is loaded with stars. It features the wily vet Arjen Robben, the, um, eclectic-looking Frenchman Franck Ribery (seen below; yes I know he has a brutal scar from a car injury as a baby, but the dude is still goofy looking), the most fun futbol last name to yell excitedly (Bastian SCHWEIN-STEIGER), stud striker Thomas Muller, and...wait for it...distant cousin of my wife Claudio Pizarro (pictured above). We have never met him, but have heard the stories. The dude has had a good life in his 36+ years. He captained Peru's squad for many years, has enjoyed a prolific European club run (as well as a cameo with Chelsea a few years ago), bought and bred prizewinning horses and even got in trouble with the Peruvian soccer muckety-mucks for partying and smuggling ladies into hotel rooms while the team was preparing for a match. He was suspended eighteen months for what Wikipdia says was "having introduced women and alcohol into the national squad's hotel two days before Peru's away drubbing at the hands of Ecuador."  You have to respect a man with priorities.



Who to watch on Barcelona: In short, everybody. The Messi/Neymar/Suarez trio is muy fabuloso, as they say in the old country. I don't need to recite the rest of the multi-millionaires playing. Maybe I should, but this post is long enough already.



How we see this playing out: Barcelona has a chip on their shoulder. Real Madrid won the last Champions League title and the big three strikers all had a disappointing end to their World Cup experiences. We think they come out hard and strong and out-passion the German squad, knowing they have an easy league schedule ahead. Bayern is stacked, but not as much as Barca.

Prediction: Barca squeaks by 4-3 (aggregate) to set the stage for the match the world wants to see: Barca-Real Madrid in Berlin on June 6th for the pride, the glory, the pay check, and all 99 of Nena's luftballoons.


Sunday, May 03, 2015

Number One with a Bullet

It's a gorgeous spring afternoon in Lancaster, PA, which itself is a surprisingly interesting little city. If you want to wake to the smell of cow manure, it's got you covered. If your thing is tattoo parlors, hipster artisan foodstuffs (we've had gourmet pickles, hella good pretzels, and cupcakes, too), or local microbreweries (been to three of those), the heart of Amish country has that, too. Bowl haircuts? Check. Horse-drawn carriages? Sure.

Looked for Ishmael, to no avail
But I didn't come here to pimp Lancaster, or to lament the fact that I've spent the better part of this beautiful weekend inside a Marriott watching pre-teen girls dance. (I also watched a 6'2, 250-lb boy take the stage for a tap routine. Kid wasn't all that good, and I'm guessing he's dancing to improve his footwork for the gridiron, but he took it seriously, and certainly didn't embarrass himself. Right on, young man.)

No, I came here to warn you of yet another threat scientists pose to our future.

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), the people who brought you the Internet (which goes to show that they can't be trusted, at all), are back with a vengeance. According to circa.com, DARPA "has developed a new .50-caliber bullet that uses optical sensors to hone in on targets."

Put in English, the U.S. military now has a bullet that can adjust its path in flight in response to the movement of its target. after a recent field exercise, Jerome Dunn, DARPA's Extreme Accuracy Tasked Ordnance (EXACTO) program manager, said this about the experimental munition: "This live-fire demonstration from a standard rifle showed that [the bullet] is able to hit moving and evading targets with extreme accuracy at sniper ranges unachievable with traditional rounds."

In the words of the great Chet, game over, man, We're fucked.

G:TB's crack espionage team has managed to get a glimpse of the thing that'll kill us all. At least you'll know what you'll see right before the lights go out.

Saturday, May 02, 2015

Tre Day

At some point this afternoon - earlier than later, if the pundits are to be believed - William & Mary's Tre McBride will become the 69th Tribe football player selected in the NFL draft, and the fifth since 2009.

In his honor, and in celebration of Tribe gridiron greats everywhere (except in that jail in California, you sick fuck), here's a reminder of what McBride did to Delaware two seasons ago. Check out the 0:16 mark, and enjoy.

Friday, May 01, 2015

danimal bitten by an animal?

You should see the other guy, right? Right? rob insisted I post this as filler this morning, but honestly, it's kind of grossing me out so we need someone to post other filler as soon as possible. kthxbai