On the eighth day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me...
Eight Men A Milking
Seven Balls A-Bouncin' (ngs)
Five Golden RingsFour-goneThe paralyzing effect of milk in our culture has gone unmeasured for way too long. So, we thought it would be time here at G:TB to continue not measuring it. People love it. People despise it. They need it in their coffee, they love it in their oatmeal, put it anywhere near their tea and they’ll chop your legs off. Take a quick trip to the local grocer on the eve of a winter blizzard to see what I mean. In 30 minutes you'll find emotions ranging from paranoia to complacency to revolution – and that’s just in the parking lot. If you’re lucky enough to make it
to the refrigerated section, you’re in for a real treat.
Our commitment to la leche league here is well documented...but, based on some coarse winter field studies, what becomes of these poor weened souls post-latch is at best comical and at worst horrifying. The desire for nature's nectar has become somewhat akin to a rabid dog tasting chicken blood for the first time. Thankfully, as with any good capitalist society, we've managed to temper that thirst with a range of products so mind numbing it's as if you've buried your head in a snow drift. It's an awful lot like this blog really; more specifically the men who write it. You may have had a sip before, but there comes such an insatiable craving, that the only satisfying solution is an offering of tastes so indecipherable that if you came here just thirsty enough you'll assume you've had something you liked when you left. If we were milk products, well that would be disgusting. But, if we were....you'd have the following 8-man blog dairy section:
Rob aka "1%" - You may think it's a reference to his height percentile, but really it's the amount of brain capacity needed to beat you in a game of chess. Unless he's playing Swint, at which point you can call him 2%.
Whitney aka "Organic" - Always tries to keep it real, nobody really knows if he's full of shit, and rubs it in your face if you pick anything else (not the shit, that would also be disgusting; your ignorance I mean).
TJ aka "Heavy Whipping Cream" aka "HWC" aka "H-Dub" - From cupcake icing to a fine lobster bisque, accept no substitute.
Dennis aka "Skim" - Fits the build, plus it's the only one you should be drinking anyway.
Mark aka "Half and Half" - You thought he was going to be "chocolate milk" didn't you? Keeping G:TB's street cred 100 percent correct 50 percent of the time since 2008...
TR aka "Whole" - If you get any of TR, you get all of TR.
Dave aka "1/2 %" - Depending on what year it is and/or how developed your town is, this is the one for you. And yes, there is in fact a half percent milk. It's not a myth.
Zoltan aka "Lactaid" - Sometimes it's all you can tolerate, but you've got to have something right?...And if you've ever seen Zoltan's nipples lactating, well then you've seen everything.
And since it's the season of giving, you can call the Wheelhouse "Goat's Milk" - it sounds fancy, but really just leaves a bad taste in your mouth. And it's the best nickname ever.
Happy Holidays!
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