Friday, December 19, 2008

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 9th Day

On the ninth day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Nine Head-lines We Want (in 2009)

Listed below are some headlines that we, the weary masses of sports fans, hope to receive in 2009. May the gods of karma shine their light upon us.

1) Favre, Clemens* Reveal Relationship, Move to Brokeback Mountain (with Brett’s Wranglers in tow).
These two people need to go away. Nobody wants to hear about their steroids, their love of the game, their spouses, their hometowns, their strong arms or their Hall of Fame careers and/or their love of substances. Please leave now. Thank you. Remember guys - it can be like this. Always.
*Roger, not Kellen

2) Bud Selig Chokes on a Brat, Has Near-Death Experience, Relinquishes Position as Commissioner of Major League Baseball
Mr. Selig has done very little of substance to steer the league out of its strike-related doldrums. A drug-filled power surge and a combined six world titles from the league’s most storied franchises (New York and Boston) did more to bring attention back to the sport than anything Mr. Selig did. He will be known as the clueless parent who ignored the kids’ needle and pill habits, a man who decided an All-Star game tie was fair, whose qualification for the position consisted of guiding the Brewers to a generation of mediocrity. You are the anti-Gheorghe, Mr. Selig. And don’t you ever kid yourself otherwise. Ever.

3) Undefeated Team from non-BCS Conference to Play for National Title
One of the more overlooked aspects of the current NCAA football set-up is that a non-BCS conference team has ZERO chance of winning a national championship. In 2008, there were 119 Division I-A teams, 65 of whom played in a BCS conference. That means there were 54 teams with no chance of winning the title in their sport. Boise State and Utah ran the table this year, with wins over legitimate programs such as Michigan, Oregon State, BYU, TCU, Oregon, Hawaii and Fresno State. Yet they won’t play for a title. It makes no sense to have a landscape where 45% of the competition doesn’t have a chance, especially since every one of the 1,424,789 Division I basketball programs has at least a snowball’s chance at a title.
(Editor’s Note: We refuse to use the new bogus FCS initials the NCAA is foisting upon us and, in fact, denounce foisting in all forms not related to drinking, peer pressure and hitting on women).

4) Jerry Jones Goes Bankrupt, Forced to Halt New Stadium Construction (and Botox Treatments), Puts Cowboys Up for Sale.
I know very little about the current state of his finances. But I do know he’s a pompous oilman who is in the midst of building an exorbitantly expensive stadium. He’s heavily exposed to a commodity whose price has fallen 75% from its peak earlier this year, and he’s heavily indebted at a time when nobody is interested in lending unless it carries usurious terms. Lenders have started playing hard-ball with him amidst his next round of plastic surgeries, leaving him and his face hanging in limbo, as seen in the photo to the right.

5) William & Mary Football Ramps up Aggressive Recruiting Techniques to Stay Competitive in Colonial Athletic Association
The Tribe has always put a competitive squad on the field, thanks to coach Laycock’s prolific offensive schemes, but the defense has rarely looked staunch by any means. The brain-trust on the Hampton Roads peninsula needs to start picking off some of the home-grown talent that’s retreating to the land of the Dukes and the Spiders. If it means dropping admission standards a bit to get a cornerback, so be it.

6) Liu Chunhong, Chinese Olympic Weightlifting Hero and Gold Medalist, Denies Rumors of External Genitalia
We all know the story of Ms. Chunhong’s Olympic record-breaking feats (previewed here and recapped here), but little has been said of the person behind the singlet. More specifically, the gender of the person behind the singlet. Let’s hope the rumblings in Beijing are nothing but malicious rumors propagated to bring down a legend.

7) Mark Cuban Buys the Chicago Cubs.
Old money hates the guy because he’s a tool, but he’s a likeable tool, the kind of guy we could relate to if we rolled with billionaires. Cuban would be a major upgrade from current owner (and current d-bag) Sam Zell. This marquee franchise needs a reason to feel good about itself these days.

8) Mitch Gaylord, Janet Jones-Gretzky to Produce American Anthem II, starring Shawn Johnson and the Hamm Brothers.
Self explanatory. And awesome. And inevitable.

9) Gheorghe Muresan Signed to 10-Day Contract by New Jersey Nets.
Yi Jianlian needs a big man to educate him on the cultural morays of America so he can continue adapting to Western culture. It would be Gheorghe’s second stint with the team, so you wouldn’t even bother telling him to stop calling Devin Harris Lucious. But seriously, what better chick magnet and wing man can Yi have than Gheorghe? Yi turned 21 on October 21st, so 2009 will be the first year when he can party it up legally in all of the two fine establishments in the Rutherford area. These two men should live together and ESPN should have a reality series about their daily goings-on, with Gheorghe leading the charge in their active days and slut-filled nights.


TJ said...

Number 9 is the greatest thing I've ever read.

Yi:TB is going to be awesome.

Mark said...

Yi:TB...Is that like our version of ESPN2? Do I have to dress in a leather jacket when I'm workign for Yi:TB like Olberman did in the early stages on ESPN2?

TJ said...

You in a leather jacket on set? What is this, Sons of Anarchy?

Steve said...

i thought andy reid holds the honor of "clueless parent ignoring kids needle and pill habits"?

Rhymenocerous said...

Andy takes the title for Fathers Who Don't Know What Their Sons Are Stuffing in Their Anuses as They Head to Prison.

Not a big category, but he takes the title nonetheless.

Dennis said...

Here's a headline I wouldn't like to see in 2009: "Washington Redskins provide playbook along with game program as cross promotion with local printing firm".

I mean Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! I can't figure out which part of this statement I find the most unsettling.
-- Redskins rookie WR Devin Thomas has often struggled to run the correct routes this season and remains a work in progress.
Wide receivers coach Stan Hixon said the playbook shouldn't be a problem because the Redskins basically use the same plays every week. Thomas begs to differ: "In the NFL, you've got a book so big, and a coach can pull a play from anywhere in that book. That's where it's tough." Indeed.

TJ said...

That's right it could be on Page 2. Or Page 14. Or...well, Devin doesn't roll above 20, so f it.

Rhymenocerous said...

Devin Thomas should call Vernon Gholston. They can both bitch about how it's just too darn hard to learn all that grown-up stuff in the NFL.

Gholston has reached out to LT to learn how to play outside linebacker. Not a joke. He was inactive last week, has 12 tackles and zero sacks this week and looks absolutely lost on the field. I can't tell you the first thing about where he should be on most formations, but I could tell by watching him in one half that he had no idea what was going on.

B-U-S-T bust bust bust for Vern. At least I don't have to watch the Pats' Jerod Mayo twice a year. Oh wait...

Rhymenocerous said...

By "has 12 tackles and zero sacks this week" I mean "has 12 tackles and zero sacks this season."


Mark said...

You can't say you're surprised by Vernon's progress (or lack thereof), can you? He was inconsistent in college and went higher than he should of almost strictly based on measurables.

Rhymenocerous said...

I knew there was a bit of Mamula-esque hype, but I can't say I broke down his collegiate play that much.

But all the pundits had him as a top 8 pick, so it wasn't like the Jets went out on a limb.

I blame Mel Kiper Jr's hair for all of this.

Mark said...

No, they didn't go out on a limb. He was just a guy who coasted a lot in college and put up stats in bunches (often against shitty teams, of which there are plenty in the Big 10). As much as he was praised by scouts, plenty of other scouts had him pegged as the most overrated. I was just saying that this result is far more likely than he becoming a mainstay on the Jets' D.

Whitney said...

Shut up, Mark.

Mark said...

You were late to the early bird dinner when you left that comment, weren't you Whit? I can see why you're so upset then. All is forgiven.

Whitney said...

It's true. Some blue-haired biddy took the last piece of peanut brittle because of my tardiness. Drat!

rob said...

have i mentioned that i hate richmond?

Mark said...

Have I mentioned that I hate you...and peanut brittle?

zoltan said...

Do you guys already know about this?

Peter Robert Casey said...

Hello there,
I am Peter Robert Casey and I am a basketball columnist. I have initiated an idea to create a sports blogroll where bloggers from all sports disciplines could participate. All you need to do is to add my blog link to your blog and i'll do the same. That way, we could have a mutual partnership and we could refer visitors to each other's blog.
Please let me know if you would be interested.

Your's in Hoops,
Peter Robert Casey

rob said...

i am, in fact, aware of professor muresan's work.

Mark said...

Why isn't G:TB represented at the Eagle Bank Bowl? TJ should be in the press box.

lillian said...

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