Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 8th Day

On the eighth day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Eight maids-a-milking?
Seven clips you-tubing
Fiiiiive(ish) feeeet of height
Three Richmond wins
And a fat guy in a jer-sey

We know, we know. By day eight you’ve come to expect more clever parody, but on this day of Gheorghe-mas, we’re keeping it organic. As we approach the extended eve of the birth of your…pause…favorite beat writer’s 2nd child, and second round of breast feeding classes, we thought it made sense to provide a quick public service announcement. Don't worry, it is what you’re thinking - lactation appreciation to stir into that Egg Nog and sip over the holidays. With a little whimsy sprinkled on top like ground cinnamon. Mmm, delicious!

G: TB: Fun Facts: Part 1: We like our women disease-free, busty, and cheap.

1. Breast milk is proven to reduce the risk of diseases and illnesses in both children AND mothers – most notably SIDS in infants and breast, cervical and ovarian cancer in mothers.
**Breast fed babies have a proven reduction in the onset of allergies, diabetes, and obesity later in adolescence.
**Humans are the only species that will rely on another animal’s milk for survival. Why? Well, there are a number of reasons that get fairly philosophical which we’ll avoid in this space. But, it is a fact that human babies are and will never be allergic to human milk. So, what’s the problem here?

2. Any boob guys out there? New mothers will see their bust size increase easily on average from 2-4 cup sizes when breast feeding. And let’s take it a step further - women actually burn calories by breast feeding. So, not only will your baby mama be more voluptuous, but she’ll stay trim around the edges without even releasing a latch (Note: for follow-up reading on achieving an optimal latch, please contact this gentleman for materials and diagrams).

3. Good formula is really expensive at best and deadly at worst. Not to mention getting extremely risky in the production stages – both fiscally and legally. There have been over 30 formula recalls in this country alone in the past 20 years – luckily with minimal mortal impact. China hasn’t been so lucky. They’re currently in a formula fiasco that has left hundreds of infants critically ill and dozens dead – with 20 people behind bars for knowingly skimping on production efforts to keep costs down. The Chinese black market is now swimming in breast milk.

Now that you’re armed, let’s get dangerous in 2009.

With the economy likely to struggle well into next year, let’s consider some job opportunities in the lactation industry:

1. Wet Nurse – dual income households and adoption are on the rise, convenience and biology provide the demand. Hell, you can buy breast milk on Craig’s list. If we put our minds to it, we could make the U.S. the Saudi Arabia of the mother’s milk market. I know about a billion Chinese women that are reading with interest…

2. Wet “Nurse” – a known fetish in the escort world, and it sure came in handy for Clive Owen in the little-known pulp doozy, “Shoot Em Up”. Although, I have a feeling most of these professional types don’t look much like Monica Bellucci does in that film.

3. Lactation Consultant - like a therapist, but with even less medical education and experience.

4. Sports Medicine – in the fallout of the steroids era, sports trainers, dietitians and chemists have been looking for an all-natural substitute to give professional athletes that edge they clearly need. It’s been discovered that breast milk, when broken down to its essential elements with specific proteins and vitamins isolated then remixed, will give similar effects to that of any anabolic steroid.

Merry Gheorghe-mas to all!!

14 comments:

rob said...

i did not see that coming

TJ said...

I know. Who knew we had beat writers?

jerome said...

boobies.

TJ said...

Attaboy.

zoltan said...

Breast miiilk, you make my day-ee-ee-ay.

rob said...

whimsy never gets old

Sisler said...

I had no idea that Dennis was a card-carrying member of La Leche League. Kudos for the post. We're believers in this household, too. The physiology is nothing short of amazing. Despite what DLC will tell you, breast-feeding is probably the most impressive thing that the female body can do.

Mark said...

Okay, that was worth it just for Zoltan's comment...

Rhymenocerous said...

If you google the phrase "jodeci buttocks", we are the top result. Tremendous.

(Omit that from the next Ghoogle search post, Teej)

rob said...

i hope you guys saw the 4th quarter of the celtics/hawks game. that was fun.

Rhymenocerous said...

That Celtics-Hawks game was very much enjoyable. I caught the whole second half. Pound for pound, Marvin Williams has the fattest ass in the NBA. I like the moxie of that Hawks squad. And Josh Smith's dunk was the best I've seen so far this year. Ferocious.

rob said...

josh smith did kendrick perkins dirrrty. (i think it was perkins, anyway). my faorite part was the nfl-style ball tuck.

Rhymenocerous said...

The way he cradled the ball was reminiscent of a slam dunk contest. I loved his high-fives of the fans in the front row. I've been 8th row at a Knicks game (behind Spike, near Tom Brokaw), but I've never been front row. It's got to be amazing to watch those guys from that distance.

TJ said...

I added a little something for you guys.