On the eighth day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Seven clips you-tubing
Fiiiiive(ish) feeeet of height
Three Richmond wins
And a fat guy in a jer-sey
We know, we know. By day eight you’ve come to expect more clever parody, but on this day of Gheorghe-mas, we’re keeping it organic. As we approach the extended eve of the birth of your…pause…favorite beat writer’s 2nd child, and second round of breast feeding classes, we thought it made sense to provide a quick public service announcement. Don't worry, it is what you’re thinking - lactation appreciation to stir into that Egg Nog and sip over the holidays. With a little whimsy sprinkled on top like ground cinnamon. Mmm, delicious!
G: TB: Fun Facts: Part 1: We like our women disease-free, busty, and cheap.
1. Breast milk is proven to reduce the risk of diseases and illnesses in both children AND mothers – most notably SIDS in infants and breast, cervical and ovarian cancer in mothers.
**Breast fed babies have a proven reduction in the onset of allergies, diabetes, and obesity later in adolescence.
**Humans are the only species that will rely on another animal’s milk for survival. Why? Well, there are a number of reasons that get fairly philosophical which we’ll avoid in this space. But, it is a fact that human babies are and will never be allergic to human milk. So, what’s the problem here?
2. Any boob guys out there? New mothers will see their bust size increase easily on average from 2-4 cup sizes when breast feeding. And let’s take it a step further - women actually burn calories by breast feeding. So, not only will your baby mama be more voluptuous, but she’ll stay trim around the edges without even releasing a latch (Note: for follow-up reading on achieving an optimal latch, please contact this gentleman for materials and diagrams).
3. Good formula is really expensive at best and deadly at worst. Not to mention getting extremely risky in the production stages – both fiscally and legally. There have been over 30 formula recalls in this country alone in the past 20 years – luckily with minimal mortal impact. China hasn’t been so lucky. They’re currently in a formula fiasco that has left hundreds of infants critically ill and dozens dead – with 20 people behind bars for knowingly skimping on production efforts to keep costs down. The Chinese black market is now swimming in breast milk.
Now that you’re armed, let’s get dangerous in 2009.
With the economy likely to struggle well into next year, let’s consider some job opportunities in the lactation industry:
1. Wet Nurse – dual income households and adoption are on the rise, convenience and biology provide the demand. Hell, you can buy breast milk on Craig’s list. If we put our minds to it, we could make the U.S. the Saudi Arabia of the mother’s milk market. I know about a billion Chinese women that are reading with interest…
2. Wet “Nurse” – a known fetish in the escort world, and it sure came in handy for Clive Owen in the little-known pulp doozy, “Shoot Em Up”. Although, I have a feeling most of these professional types don’t look much like Monica Bellucci does in that film.
3. Lactation Consultant - like a therapist, but with even less medical education and experience.
4. Sports Medicine – in the fallout of the steroids era, sports trainers, dietitians and chemists have been looking for an all-natural substitute to give professional athletes that edge they clearly need. It’s been discovered that breast milk, when broken down to its essential elements with specific proteins and vitamins isolated then remixed, will give similar effects to that of any anabolic steroid.
Merry Gheorghe-mas to all!!