Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Official G:TB Olympics Preview (Part Deux)

On the Eve of the Eve of the Summer Olympics' Opening Ceremony, G:TB would like to shed light on an oft over-looked nook of the Summer Olympics landscape: The 69 kg weight class of female weightlifters. We focus on this weight class because it is the most popular class (as defined by me). To convert kilograms to pounds, you need to multiply by 1.8 and add 32, so I believe this weight class is for 150-something pound ladies.

First, a mention on the lifts that they will perform: The Snatch and the Clean and Jerk. The editorial staff here has to fess up that they are torn between the merits of the two lifts. A perfect Snatch is always fun to look at, but a perfectly executed Clean and Jerk is satisfying in its own way.

Next, a primer on the rules. All of the sexy ladies will first give the Snatch their all. In this lift, the lifter lifts the weight directly from the floor to the overhead position while squatting. They then move from a squat to a standing position. Next, they move on to the Clean and Jerk. This lift involves lifting the weight to their chest, and then powering it up and moving one's legs to get the weight into the overhead position. Each lifter gets three attempts at each lift type. They announce their starting lift weight beforehand, and there is much chicanery and gamesmanship involved with picking a low/high starting weight as lifters try to out-think their foes. You can start high to psyche out your opponents, or you can start low and escalate your weight dramatically. We're talking intense strategery here. After all lifts are conducted, the woman with the highest combined total wins. In the event of a tie, the lighter woman wins. If both weigh the same, the one with the bigger penis wins. I think.

Now, let's talk about the favorites. The "pundits" at Sports Illustrated have thrown their lot behind Russia's Oxana "Ox" Slivenko. She is only 21, but she has been quite the phenom in the sport, having won the 2006 World Championship. However, G:TB feels that she is not seasoned enough and will buckle under the pressure in China.

Another favorite mentioned by SI is their choice for the bronze: The Armenian Hammer, Nazik Avdalyan. We've discussed her chances ad nauseam on this site, focusing on the raw power she channels from her uni-brows, so I'll spare the redundant comments. But I will say that she was great in Dodgeball.

So who is G:TB touting as the biggest breakthrough in weightlifting since Hossein Khosrow Ali Vaziri (better known as "The Iron Sheik")? None other than China's own Liu "Muscles" Chunhong. The editorial staff here feels strongly that the hometown fans, her training methods and her gender opacity will all help her cause.

Set your DVRs for the red-hot action in this weight class when it airs on August 13th. And hope that it's just a funny camel-toe you see in their spandex pants.

21 comments:

Dave said...

best sidebar ever-- i am totally invested in these women now.

Marlin said...

"The Armenian Hammer" - Sounds like something you have to pay extra for on 11th Avenue.

TJ said...

Adrienne Barbeau?

Rhymenocerous said...

I'm not afraid to use the word "lift" three times in a sentence. It seems that writing after 3 scotches results in no desire to proofread, especially if you type while watching the Yankees abort on the telly.

One more thing - There's funny, there's very funny, and then there's the image results you get from a google search of the phrase "heavy muscular women."

rob said...

'gender opacity' - now that's some olympic-quality funny right there.

though i don't think unibrows can be plural, unless you're talking about multiple people. a nit, really.

rob said...

proofreading is for english teachers. dave - we need you to start carrying your weight around here.

TJ said...

Dave's too busy enlightening the world with Joyce-esque daily sentences.

Marlin said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pS2RAc4Cu8U

Enjoy -

TJ said...

Jay Glazer is telling us to prepare for Broadway Brett Favre...at least moreso than Tampa right now.

Zoltan said...

Fans of the metric system will note that you multiply by 1.8 and add 32 to convert from Centigrade to Farenheit. To convert from kg to lbs you multiply by 2.2.

rob said...

i know the time difference between the u.s. and beijing makes for some complicated viewing, but how the hell is the u.s. women's soccer team already playing games? are they in the future?

Dave said...

the key to proof reading is to read really, really fast and then give it a B+.

TJ said...

Yeah, this guy's worth the money:

Gary Matthews Jr. went hitless Tuesday and is now batting .130 since July 1.

Rhymenocerous said...

Does Z-Man really think I don't know the kilo-to-pound conversion?

mayhugh said...

For some reason, whenever I watch husky female weight lifters (which isn't often enough, by the way), I think of Buffalo Bill tucking up his junk and dancing around to that Q Lazzarus song in The Silence of the Lambs.

rob said...

backing slowwwwly away from mayhugh, who probably realizes that he should've just eaten that comment.

Greg said...

That was a Q Lazzarus song? I had no idea.

Rhymenocerous said...

That scene is in the Pantheon of all-time creepy movie scenes.

Also in there is the scene where Keitel pulls the two women over in Bad Lieutenant and the scene where Jackie Earle Haley (grown-up Kelly Leak) is out on a date in the movie Little Children. Not sure how many of you out there saw this disturbing movie, but the scene at the end of their date is out there.

"I'd fuck me."

Zoltan said...

I know the rhymenocerous knows the kilo-to-pound conversion. Just letting you know that at least one person got the joke.

Geoff said...

"Is she a great big fat person?"

amanda young said...

These are the Olympic women along with their side bar! very impressive! go girls! Amanda Vanderpool CEO