Sunday, December 28, 2008

G:TB's Week 17 NFL Picks: "I'm 37. I'm not old."

Twice in the last two days (and three times in the last month) Whitney's called me ('me' in this case, being rob) to serve as the arbiter of beer-fueled wagers. Let me offer a bit of guidance to all who may be otherwise inclined to bet against my larger, balder friend in matters of trivia: don't. Dude doesn't bet unless he knows he's right. Your bank account can thank me later.

Now, if the bet concerns the outcome of sporting events, feel free to risk the kids' college funds (or the dogs' tattoo funds, in Mark's case). Whitney hasn't won a sports bet since he had hair.

All of which serves as a mostly random introduction to the final NFL picks of the season and the much-anticipated resolution of the GTB/Wheelhouse Gambling Challenge. When we left our mild-mannered heroes, the standings looked like this:

Wheelhouse
43-35-2

Gheorghe
43-36-1

Astoundingly, both mediocre inside-joke blogs are assured records better than .500. All that's left to decide is who picks up the tab at the annual (and mythical) blogger holiday luncheon. Here goes nothing.

Redskins (+3) @ Niners

Today's Washington Post was chock-full of heart-warming stories about the end of Jim Zorn's first year. Mike Wise even dropped a Rudy Ruettiger story on us. I wish I were kidding. Even a cross-country flight to play a game against a sorta hot team can't stop that a team fueled by that kind of saccharine treacle. Skins win outright.

Giants (+6.5) @ Vikings

There's no good reason for New York to even show up for this game and no good reason whatsoever to pick them. So we like the Giants in a Tom Coughlin Says 'Fuck Your Conventional Wisdom' Contrarian Special.

Cowboys (+1) @ Eagles

I have exactly zero respect for Wade Phillips' ability to motivate his team, and even less respect for Jerry Jones's recent vote of confidnce in the Cowboys' rotund head man. On the other hand, I have a lot of respect for Jim Johnson, and a whole buncha belief in the Eagles defense and its desire to make amends for the egg it laid in this season's first Cowboys/Eagles matchup. Philly ensures that Tony Romo remains winless in the postseason.

New England (-6) @ Buffalo

Dick Jauron's boys got all frisky last week to give the viewing public a tasty Broncos/Chargers Sunday night treat. But Nas will bow down to Karl Rove's mad mic skills before a Bill Belichick team loses to Buffalo with the playoffs on the line. Patriots win going away.

St. Louis (-14.5) @ Atlanta

Quoth TJ via text message, "U picked Atlanta to win by 100, right?" Hard to argue with that kind of forceful and measured logic. Although I admit to pausing for a moment when he called them the 'Flacons'.

88 comments:

rob said...

you boys have less than 2 hours to fix these picks.

TJ said...

Don't fail me now Flacons.

TJ said...

Letting rob and me make the final five picks in such a close competition is absolutely a Bad Idea Jeans skit.

Whitney said...

There was no ship in the galaxy better than the Millennium Flacon.

rob said...

han sloo was a baaaad man

Whitney said...

It's been too long since I cranked Flaco's "Rock Me Adameus" at high vloume.

rob said...

uh oh. comedy rohmbus alert.

Whitney said...

Speaking of comedy, if you haven't treated yourself to a viewing of The Flacon and The Snowman in a while, you're missing out. Ribon Williams is a geinus.

rob said...

i was always partial to the maltese flacon. humphrey bograt was a gaint.

rob said...

joe falcco is gonna be bummed when he hears about this conversation.

Mark said...

Uh oh...Rob beat me to it. I really hate when me and that midget think alike.

Whitney said...

The ongoing tiff between Mark and Rob amuses me. It reminds me of a feud on Flacon Crest.

TJ said...

Mihcael Truner and the boys need to pick it up.

Whitney said...

Yeah, for all of our silliness, there's an actual football game that the team we picked is treating a bit like a joke right now.

I guess the players that petitioned for Jim Haslett's retention are actually playing hard to back it up. Neat!

TJ said...

Washington Sentinels QB Shane Flaco, also not amused.

TJ said...

Assholes.

Whitney said...

The Bills were not able to attempt a 25-yard FG at the end of the first half because two of their players were fighting with Pats defenders after the last play was over, and the last 12 seconds ran out while they were scuffling. Morons.

Mark said...

I have no idea what's happened to the Bucs' defense in the last four weeks, but its become painfully obvious that it sucks.

Rhymenocerous said...

That Bills snafu may cost the Jets a playoff spot. Not good times.

Whitney said...

You would never guess the Bucs are fighting for their playoff lives by watching their performance today. Same goes for the Bears.

Rhymenocerous said...

G:TB plus iPhone is surprisingly effective.

And the magnitude of that Bills' fuck-up can't be underestimated. They should have kicked the figgie on third down.

Mark said...

I'm not even pissed with the way the Bucs are playing. I honestly don't really care if they make the playoffs.

It's a very flawed football team that might be able to win one game in the postseason...might. There is absolutely no way they could do more than that. And that was before the defense tanked down the stretch. I'm more interested in the Dolphins game today. And I hate the Dolphins.

Whitney said...

Agreed. Dick Jauron led by example by calling a run up the middle with 22 ticks and no timeouts left. The players picked up on his imbecility and took it to the next level with their own stupidity. Brilliance abound.

Mike Singletary woulda kept both guys in the locker room for the second half. And maybe castrated them for effect.

Whitney said...

Mark, I need the Bucs to win so I can root for the Iggles to beat Dallas so neither team gets in. I have a fair degree of passion for bad things to happen to the other NFC East teams.

So get your boys to step it up, please.

Whitney said...

Oh, and as for the Bucs' chances if they do make the postseason, the NFC playoff pool is littered with more excrement than Bushwood's. The Cardinals, Vikings, and most of whoever else might squeak in are seriously fallible.

Mark said...

Whitney, you're right. The NFC is extremely shitty. But believe me when I tell you that this Bucs team has gone from suck to blow.

rob said...

somebody's gonna pay matt cassel $8m per next year. if you're the patriots and someone offers you 2 firsts and a third for brady, do you consider it?

Rhymenocerous said...

Bills now in Official Abort Mode. And I'm out of beer. 3 pm scotch, here we come.

rob said...

sammy morris. goodness.

Whitney said...

Yep. It's apparent -- the thought in most of the Bills' heads right now is how warm that locker room is going to be.

And you make the decision on Cassel now now but after you see whether he can lead the team into the playoffs and how they do. Brady's command in key moments was enormous. Cassel's mettle is being tested right now.

Whitney said...

And speaking of alcohol, I am on Day 5 of a family-induced stretch of heavy boozing. Haven't actually started today, mainly because my hangovers are worsening every day, but I am off to help out my in-laws by taking care of the beer run for the evening. 3 cases for a casual family dinner should suffice.

TJ said...

Stoopid fucking Bills.

And now the only 4pm game I get is the shitty Skins/49ers tilt.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Mark said...

Sabby Piscatelli...I think I love you.

rob said...

hmmm, the loins.

Whitney said...

Yeah, how is the Dallas/Philly game not on? I'm a really big Redskins fan (nod to the Wheelhouse), but that's not the game to watch today. They should just air Dallas/Philly and have a little ticker at the bottom of the screen saying, "Your team sucks, so you're watching better teams from another metropolitan area today. Deal with it."

rob said...

quick kick!

Mark said...

Its the same down here. CBS is airing the Jacksonville game instead of the Dolphins. Not having the NFL package is more and more indefensible by the day.

rob said...

and wholeheartedly agreed on the programming angst. i couldn't care less about the redskins. not that unusual for me, come to think of it.

Whitney said...

Wow, another asinine playcall from Dick Jauron. For the rest of the day, we're pronouncing the word moRON in his honor.

Mark said...

And yeah, the Bucs have sucked me back in.

Whitney said...

Meanwhile our pals the Flacons have just blown a 10-point lead. That pick is nearly dead. Batsards.

Rhymenocerous said...

Somehow, us NYC area folks are lucky enough to get Jints-Vikes and NE-Buff early, followed by Jets-Fins and Boys-Eagles late.

The Jets got flexed to the late game this week, and I'm sure that's why we get 4 games.

And I've had a theory for some time that Dierdorf is a leather queer (not that there's anything wrong with that, Mr. Youkilis). Based on his "analysis" (emphasis on anal) today, I would have to guess that he wants to personally stuff Dick Jauron's stocking in the worst way.

Whitney said...

The Indy-Tennessee "Let's Just Not Get Hurt" game is already over. I think they agreed to finish it up on Tecmo Bowl.

rob said...

bills are gonna get a cheap td here to hand victory to the weelhhouse.

Whitney said...

The Bucs are punishing Mark. Down 27-24 now.

Whitney said...

28-24, now that they get a bonus point for kicking the ball through the uprights after touching it down in the "end zone." New rule I assume.

TJ said...

We need David Carr to lead the Giants to a 7+ pt win...ugh.

Whitney said...

Or... Tarvaris Jackson could engineer a 7+ pt loss.

Rhymenocerous said...

Carney's missed figgie won't help the Jints' cause.

But if it makes you feel any better, there's no way the Jets cover at home. Terrible pick by the hosers in the Wheelhouse.

Whitney said...

With New Orleans now winning, it looks like the Flacons could have acquired a first round bye by simply beating the 2-13, sorry, no-account Rams. Couldn't do it, though.

Meanwhile, the Bucs' D is atrocious. Michael Bush is running all over them.

Whitney said...

Okay, now the Flacons came right back. I think they saw the CAR-NO score.

rob said...

giants were getting points in that game, not giving.

rob said...

the bucs and anyone that's ever rooted for them should be mortally embarrassed. me, i'm just pissed that the cowboys are in the playoffs. thanks, coach gruden, you teeth-grinding freak.

TJ said...

Where did the Saints come from? They were down 30-10 last time I looked.

rob said...

brees is within about 20 yards of marino's record. classic chuck and duck performance in coming from way behind.

Whitney said...

Who would you rather have leading your team with less than a minute to go, Jeff Garcia or Jerry Garcia?

rob said...

andy garcia

rob said...

hmmmmm

TJ said...

Karim Garcia.

rob said...

gabriel garcia marquez - they need some magical realism and fast.

rob said...

need(ed)

rob said...

after the early games, gtb is 2-1, while the house is 1-1. flacons did not hlep.

TJ said...

Yes, I know.

So guess what? I miraculously have a second CBS game. Is it my Jets? Of course not - its the fucking Ravens.

TJ said...

Rhymo, they just cut to Favre's typical pickle...more scotch, sir?

rob said...

i completely spaced on the fact that the eagles/cowboys game is now a play-in. sweet - the cowboys can still fail to make the tournament.

TJ said...

Iggles are fucking destroying the Cowboys.

TJ said...

Isn't it fitting that Chad Pennington gets the QB sneak on 4th and inches to basically end this game and the Jets season...

TJ said...

A quick glance at Jerome's picks leads me to believe we are a Cardinals cover away from this competition ending freakin' tied after 17 weeks.

rob said...

i was just thinking the same thing, teej. it would appear to be a dead freaking heat. i think that calls for some sort of alcohol-based get-together next time whitney, mark, and rhymo are all in d.c.

TJ said...

Rob, I think we're dummies. We went 3-1-1 I believe and the 'House went 2-3. One game win, cue the confetti...

TJ said...

Jerry Jones has to fire Woeful Wade tomorrow, right?

rob said...

yippee. we should celebrate by drinking next time whit, mark, and rhymo are in d.c.

TJ said...

rob, it appears you'd like to have a drink with everyone next time they're in DC. Accurate statement?

Rhymenocerous said...

I know I'm SUPPOSED to be fired up for the NFL playoffs, but next weekend's slate of games, as is the case with most wild card games in recent years, is a pile of mediocrity.

I will watch all of these games, but it's hard to get excited for Atlanta-Arizona and Indy-SD/Den on Saturday. Same for Baltimore-Miami and Philly-Minnesota. Indy and Atlanta are the only good teams in that bunch.

TJ said...

This Denver/San Diego game is going to be mighty entertaining.

TJ said...

Or, it's going to be a boring blowout.

rob said...

accurate statement, teej.

rob said...

also, i'd like to make a premature statement of my excitement for thursday's outdoor hockey contest between the blackhawks and the red wings.

Mark said...

Francisco Garcia told me to tell you guys to "fuck off". Not sure what that means, but whatever.

I am ashamed of the Bucs. But I'm proud of myself. I saw what was coming and went to play basketball for a couple hours. The Bucs blew it, like I figured, and I didn't have to witness it. I also finished up in time to catch the 2nd half of the Dolphins game w/ Vitas at a local bar, as well as catch a good glimpse of Dallas showing why they are the most pathetic, heartless team ever. It sounds shitty, but I'm happy to have a better draft pick. Now that Caddy is done (forever?) we should be scouting the shit out of rbs.

Mark said...

So...Denver's fucking horrible, huh?

rob said...

but real genius is on something called g4. kent's about to speak with god.

Rhymenocerous said...

On the topic of Real Genius, there are a couple absolutely inexplicable elements to the movie. I wish I could demand answers to them.

#1 - Who cast Mitch Kramer in that role? Couldn't they have come up with somebody better? There wasn't a Corey floating around? Or John Cusack? The kid's uncle must have been a producer who got him to work for scale.

#2 - The scene where the foxy cougar tries to seduce him makes absolutely no sense in the context of the movie. And, more importantly, why didn't he slip it in her? I remember watching that movie as a 12 year-old, thinking "Dude, you gotta hump that!" I guess he wanted to hold back and stick it in the goofy girl who looked a lot like Boof from Teen Wolf. I don't get that at all.

TJ said...

Seems like a perfectly normal reaction...

(CNN) -- A man angry that a family was talking during a movie threw popcorn at the son and then shot the father in the arm, according to police in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

rob said...

rhymo, the mitch/cougar scene serves to set up lazlo's triumphant final scene, but is otherwise a complete red herring. and i could not agree more with the casting. i was puzzling over that again last night. mitch is a black hole of charisma, but even worse, is completely outmatched by kilmer as an actor in every scene.

rob said...

also, i believe day 12 and the chinese democracy review will be contained in the same post.

rob said...

and finally, 3-0-1, bitches.

TJ said...

Those damn Flacons almost cost us the title.

Rhymenocerous said...

So Lazlo's wife at the end is the cougar Mitch turns away? This woman prowls around the campus of this school looking for somebody to fill her with nerd seed? Why didn't Williamsburg have ladies like that?