Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 6th Day

On this most mundane of hump days, allow the splendor of G:TB to get you through your work day:

On the sixth day of Gheorghe-mas

Big Gheorghe gave to me
Six gifts worth giving
Fiiiiive(ish) feeeet of height
Four awful words
Three Richmond wins
Two sweet 'stache photos
And a fat guy in a jer-sey

Gifts are generally considered fun. Some folks, like us at G:TB, are more into the "getting" of gifts than the "giving" of them, but the whole process is usually kinda fun, especially when the gift-giving is done to the special lady in your life. Or to your wife.

So we celebrate Day 6 with a sextet of holiday gift ideas, ranging from the cerebral to the less cerebral. With Festivus only fourteen days away, you'll want to get your shopping done before you need to prepare your list of grievances for airing.

Gift 1: Leinenkugel' s Sunse
t Wheat Beer
Quite simply, this is the most delicious beer I've come across since I first met the Yuengling brand in the late 1990's. Known as Leinie's, these Wisconsin beers are perfect on hot summer days, and they continue their trend of deliciousness this winter. Buy a 6-pack of them for someone you love. Or for your wife.

Gift 2: Music
Although the audience of G:TB still awaits reviews of a recent epic release, there is still a lot out there that is worth purchasing. In the "worth buying" category, we lump the following: The new Killers (stick to sports chats and ignore your horrendous musical tastes, Bill Simmons), any Killers you don't own (even Sawdust is worth it), the new Hold Steady, The Gaslight Anthem's "The '59 Sound" (so in the wheelhouse of the elder editors' tastes that it's almost eerie), the new Metallica and, of course, the new Slipknot.

Gift 3: Books
Continuing the trend of "things you can lazily buy people on", I present some of the best things I've read recently that I
recommend highly. Or sober. "The Gargoyle" by Andrew Davidson, "The Best Game Ever" by Marc Bowden, "The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao" by Junot Diaz, "Boys Will Be Boys" by Jeff Pearlman, "The Great Railway Bazaar" by Paul Theroux and "Under the Banner of Heaven" by Jon Krakauer. This list of books I've read is the one positive thing I can show for myself as a newly minted suburban commuter.

Gift 4: Manliness
As men's men, the editorial staff of G:TB needs very little in terms of machismo. But we seek to help out you "lesser men" out there. So allow us to introduce you to a scintillating gift: A chest hair shirt. Ideal for the follically challenged brethren in our burgeoning readership.

Gift 5: Pure Genius
When you think genius and you think comedy and you think of DVD sets, you end up pontificating upon Frank Caliendo. Now you have the opportunity to get all the Caliendo you can swallow in one fell swoop. At the man's eponymous web site, you can buy a gift box containing two DVDs, chocolate and popcorn for a low price. Actually, you may not be guaranteed to get all of the popcorn and chocolate because Frank is packing the boxes himself. But you'll at least get the crumbs. And the DVDs.

Gift 6: Nudie Films

When shopping for the family, I've always found erotica to be a fun gift option. How am I versed enough to make a recommendation, you might ask? Well, I grew up in central NJ with a high school friend who worked in a video store (Yes, it was very much like Clerks). He showed me every disturbing movie offered for rent in this store. Among the deviant material proffered was a serious of films featuring a large, ebony woman named Bad Mama Jama (NSFW link). The films were tame, disturbing and funny at the same time, like most of the women roaming the campus of William & Mary. But the passion, the heartache, the thespian efforts (and the lesbian efforts) were noteworthy. Go indulge yourself today. Just not after you recently ate.


Rhymenocerous said...

Big Brother sucks.

TJ said...

I demand the Gift 6 prose get re-posted.

TJ said...

Wow, that worked.

OK, now I demand Lindsey Lohan, make her naked...and doing a crabwalk.

zoltan said...

Did you ever get your Classic Swedish Erotica Vol. 3 back from Swint?

Is $26.6667 million a year too much to pay for a pitcher? How about a 28-year-old pitcher listed at 290 pounds?

rob said...

the comedic value of rhymo blaming the man for his own technical limitations is an underrated subtext to today's bantering.

zoltan said...

Sabathia got a 7 year offer so my earlier question was off. It's only $22.86 million a year. Totally reasonable.

TJ said...

Don't even get me started on this deal. As one of three (?) Yankees fans who frequent this blog, I imagine we are all in agreement that this is deal is a nightmare? (no matter what the short term, say '09-10, seasons look like for Fatty)

Rhymenocerous said...

Dr. Spector, an official friend of G:TB, has been of the mindset for the last 5 or so years that it's just a hard team to like. They started throwing money around in a terrible way this decade on folks Yankee fans have HATED in the past (J. Wright, Pavano, Randy Johnson, Clemens, A-Rod, Damon, I-Rod, etc.).

I've lost a lot of my love for the team. I don't like their network, most of their announcers (I'll always love John Sterling, but I f*cking hate Michael Kay and Suzyn Waldman), the new prices and the overpriced schleps on the field.

rob said...

i concur. the yankees are a hard team to like. also, their fans are degenerate mouthbreathers. present company excepted, of course.

Mark said...

Yea! Fuck the Yankees and the pack of cock loving homos that root for them!

Andrew said...

Anybody ever had Fat Tire??? Tried it this past weekend in Denver, legit beer....

rob said...

attaboy, mark. way to get into the spirit of the season.

Mark said...

The hot stove season? Fuck that. And fuck the Red Sox and their "we can't speak correctly because our mouths are full of our boyfriend's balls" fanbase.

rob said...

fat tire is quite tasty - had some in denver a few years ago.

oscar wao is a terrific book, and i'd add bridge of sighs by richard russo to the list.

Whitney said...

"The '59 Sound" is easily one of the best songs of the year.

The Killers album has gotten mixed reviews, but I'll have to give it a longer listen based on Rhymeo's rec.

And the Hold Steady is a band worth buying a ticket to see anywhere, even in this economy.