Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Revisiting Masterpieces: Episode I - Teen Wolf

Greetings, readers. It's time to quickly steer away from Rob's infatuation with the President-elect's pecs and abs to bring you to a much more important topic: Teen Wolf. Enjoy.

The sports media has had a field day with the recent news that Greg White, Tampa Bay's second-year defensive tackle, legally changed his name to Stylez G. White to honor the character Stiles from the movie Teen Wolf. This news is tremendous for a number of reasons, one of which being it affords us a reason to pontificate anew upon this glorious film.

Teen Wolf represented a lot of things to a lot of people. First, it was Mark Holton's opus. Second, it was a break-out role for an obscure sitcom actor toiling under the shadow of Tina Yothers. Third, it featured a cameo appearance by Jerry Garcia as the werewolf version of Scott Howard's dad. But, most importantly, it featured the mindbending performance of Jerry Levine as Rupert "Stiles" Stilinski.

Stiles is undeniably the glue of this movie. He is the kind of guy you wanted to be when you were a teenager. He wears cool t-shirts (don't forget the "Future Gynecologist" shirt he sports), girls don't mind when he pours bowls of jello into their shirts at parties, he is an aspiring entrepreneur, he surfs on vans and he pulls off cool shades better than this guy. Or this guy. The snubbing he received at the 1988 Academy Awards is still talked about in acting studios, watering holes and glory holes across America to this day. Seriously, Kevin Kline as Best Supporting Actor for "A Fish Called Wanda"? Who ever heard of that guy?













The strength of this movie (besides Levine's performance) lies in its believability. The basketball scenes are as well-choreographed as they are realistic, the werewolf plot line is plausible, and the teenagers' ability to carry kegs of beer on their shoulder are all quite life-like. And the town's understated reaction to his emergence as a hairy beast is similar to what would happen in real life (if only for the extreme likelihood of being cast as the lead in the school play as a Confederate werewolf general).

(Quick sidenote - The pearls of wisdom doled out by Scott Howard's basketball coach have been mentioned before, so I won't expound upon them here, but they're awesome, hip and relevant, just like the cool pair of boat shoes I hope to see under my tree this Christmas.)

Now I don't want to ruin the ending for you all, so I'll just leave it at this: Scott Howard decides he doesn't need to be a werewolf with a headband to lead his team to the state title because he can do it while looking like Mark Price. He also pulls off the most unbelievable switch of female love interests since C. Thomas Howell in Secret Admirer by nailing the popular blonde girl and then landing the cute girl by the time the closing credits roll, despite a bowling ball throwing temper tantrum brought on by accusations of fellow wolves being shot near a henhouse. And, naturally, Stiles makes a killing selling shirts.

54 comments:

rob said...

good choice.

TJ said...

No one utilizes blogger's "labels" feature better than Rhymo.

rob said...

blogger has a 'labels' feature?

Rhymenocerous said...

Rob - the Yanks only payed $170 MM for Tex, not the bloated $180 MM figure you erroneously floated in the comments section of your pecs post. That changes everything. And by "everything", I mean "nothing".

It kinda screws Manny a bit, now doesn't it? The Yanks and the Sox aren't interested and the Dodgers have only floated a 2-yr deal to him. I bet Scioscia's not dying to have him in Anaheim, although Artie Moreno would pony up the cash. Maybe the Mets will make a run at him...

TJ said...

The agreement with Teixeira gives New York the four highest-paid players in baseball -- third baseman Alex Rodriguez, shortstop Derek Jeter, Sabathia and Teixeira.

rob said...

the nats could also take a flyer on manny - they desperately need a gate/ratings attraction. boras looks pretty brilliant on tex, but not quite as glossy on manny - he was saying 6/120+ when he got manny out of boston.

rob said...

not gonna lie here, though. as a sox fan, this teixeira news is a gutpunch. rooting for a season-ending but not life-threatening injury is cool, right?

Rhymenocerous said...

So the Yanks now have a first baseman. That will make Posada the worst DH in the AL in 2010-2012, when his rotting carcass is still under contract, yet too banged up to catch.

The Yankee bullpen is still not strong, their closer is old and they will likely have a horrendous defensive outfield. There's a good chance they'll miss the playoffs in 2009. Over/under on number of starts by Burnett in 2009set at 24.

Rhymenocerous said...

It's almost like Team Steinbrenner signed Tex for the express purpose of not letting the Sox sign him.

The last time the Yanks got smart like this, they ended up with Jose Canseco on their postseason roster in 1999. This is a whole new level of ponying up to screw the Sawx...

rob said...

theo needs to spread the rumor that the sox really think clemens has something left in the tank and they're planning to sign him, mussina, and greg maddux.

TJ said...

I just made the same Posada point to rob in an email. Ugh.

And I've always hated A.J. Burnett. Can't believe I have to (theoretically) root for him now.

rob said...

matt holliday just made a fuck-ton of boston's money next year.

Rhymenocerous said...

But I do love Tex as a player. He will buttress Mr. Madonna fairly well in the line-up.

rob said...

rhymo, you gotta see the sportsbog piece on mustaches.

Rhymenocerous said...

If the stache piece is about the 49ers this week, I've heard the scoop.

If it's about something else, I guess I'll have to head over to that part of the world wide web and read it.

rob said...

it's about something else.

Rhymenocerous said...

I want to throw it out there that this inane post was created before I heard the Sports Guy's podcast where he talked this topic.

I am indeed a rip-off artist, but this wasn't one of those instances...

Whitney said...

There's probably a post's worth of best snappy 80's sidekicks.

Damone is a classic, probably top dog. Mouth is in the conversation. As is Robert Downey's character in Back to School. Ducky always appealed to Rob. Cameron Frye is sort of the anti-figure here. Chet doesn't quite fit in this genre, but he's an all-timer. Girls, too: Molly Ringwald's friend in 16 Candles used just enough dripping sarcasm to steal some scenes.

Jim Belushi's character in About Last Night was many of these characters aged about 10 years.

But Damone is the favorite. He and Stiles roomed together in college.

Rhymenocerous said...

Along the lines of Whit's comment, I almost threw a post up about the best too-sarcastic-and-funny-to-be-real-people from 1980's movies.

Stiles led the charge, but he was joined by Kilmer's Chris Knight from Real Genius, Guttenberg's Mahoney from Police Academy and the very underrated performance by John Murray i the underrated comedy Moving Violations. There are others, but those are the ones that came to mind first.

Moving Violations movie had a tremendous 1980's cast: a (less famous) Murray brother, Brian Backer (betterk known as Mark Ratner), Sally "Original Cougar" Kellerman, the lady who said "Where's the Beef" and the blond haired lady with enormous breasts who played an instructor in the first Police Academy movie.

rob said...

real genius doesn't get nearly the acclaim in deserves. kilmer is brilliant - no pun intended - in that role.

TJ said...

Plus the professor is the "this man has no dick" asshole EPA guy from Ghostbusters.

Whitney said...

You mean Mr. Pecker.

"My name is Peck."

mayhugh said...

That guy had an underrated career. I believe his name is something like Richard Atherton but I could be way off and don't feel like looking it up. Real Genius, Ghostbusters, Bio-Dome, Die Hard's I and Jr. After a resume like that, you don't have to work any more.

Whitney said...

He was in Steven Spielberg's 1st feature film as a good guy alongside Goldie Hawn. It was on the tube the other day, and it was unsettling to see him in a non-smarm role.

Rhymenocerous said...

If you're going to talk about great "that guy" actors in Real Genius, how can you omit Robert Prescott, the guy who played Kent? He had an epic supporting role as Tawny Kitaen's scorned ex-boyfriend in Bachelor Party.

Not only did the Real Genius hooligans implant a radio device in his teeth, they got him to believe God was telling him to stop masturbating. Good times.

Geoff said...

Mayhugh, I believe it was William Atherton...

mayhugh said...

Thank you, Geoff. I think I was pulling Richard from his Die Hard character. You don't get a much more anti-media action movie than the Die Hard series. Except when Coleman covers the camera at the end of Die Hard 2, when Mr. and Mrs. McLain start mugging down.

rob said...

this discussion reminds me that i need to write a post about the greatest supporting character in cinematic history: val kilmer's doc holliday in tombstone.

TJ said...

rob, I'm your huckleberry...

rob said...

you're no daisy, teej

TJ said...

Mr. Atherton is now a new addition and plot provider on NBC's "Life".

TJ said...

So, if Steve Francis was bummed to be on the Grizz the first time around, do we need to take his belt and shoelaces this time?

Mark said...

Him being shipped back to the Grizz courtesy of the Rockets is one of the sweeter plot twists in recent NBA history. I bet he and Cuttino are snuggling and crying over it as I type this.

Couldn't have happened to a better guy.

Rhymenocerous said...

Wow. There are other people actually bored enough to troll this site on Xmas Eve.

The wife is in bed, I'm stuffed on meat fondue and pasta, the little man's gifts are under the tree, but I'm not done drinking my Leinenkugel Sunset Wheats.

Happy Holidays, fockers.

TJ said...

And to you as well rhymo...

Rhymenocerous said...

I bet Kirk Herbstreit would like a mulligan on his call that Hawaii would overpower the Irish defense and win the Hawaii Bowl. He even gave that pick 9 confidence points, although nobody (outside of ESPN employees) has any idea what the hell that means.

TJ said...

Jimmy Clausen is dreamy.

TJ said...

OK, I'll admit it...Miracle on 34th Street gets me every time.

rob said...

for me, it's a wonderful life. just wrapped up the annual viewing.

merry christmas, boys.

rob said...

it's been quite some time since i was actually excited for an nba game. today's celtics/lakers tilt has me a little bit fired up. this has to do, in some part, with my celtic fan father's presence in my house, but i'm excited nonetheless.

Mark said...

I was up until 2 am wrapping presents and making the neccessary arrangements for Xmas last night. And up at 6 am this morning. I have a brand new appreciation for my parents this morning. And a bit of a hangover (evidently, drinking Crown whilst wrapping presents isn't the greatest idea). Anyway, presents are done and I'm ready for a fucking nap. The NBA can wait until I get some more sleep. I need my sea legs underneath me in order to properly address the lobster/eggplant feast coming my way later today.

TJ said...

Merry Christmas to all...it's not Mark's lobster feast, but I'm looking forward to some delicious prime rib in a few hours during Celts/Lakers.

And how 'bout those Irish? Too bad they can't play against a defense as shitty as Hawaii's every game.

Mark said...

I'll also say that I'm looking forward to the Celtics-Lakers matchup. Its been too long since there's been a game between two teams this good on Xmas. The Shaq-Kobe storyline was interesting the first time they met on Xmas but it quickly lost its luster after that.

Mark said...

Oh...and we got my gf's kid a Wii. Best present I've ever given to anybody. Kid better get used to getting housed in Tiger Woods.

TJ said...

Come on, who greenlighted this Kevin James mall cop debacle? Give me a freakin break.

Mark said...

You know what I can do without on Xmas? Close up shots of Greg Poppovich in HD.

TJ said...

All Tim Duncan wants for xmas is that swimming pool back that got destroyed by a hurricane when he was a kid. Its his rosebud.

TJ said...

Kudos to the Spurs and Suns for keeping me entertained during the pre-dinner Xmas dinner malaise.

TJ said...

Nice typing by me. You got the point I think.

TJ said...

Well, that was quite an ending...

rob said...

jason richardson rotated off the wrong guy, eh?

Mark said...

I wish I could accurately describe the current situation at my gf's parents house right now. Her famil (Ginzo Italians) and my family (stereotypical white people) are all drunk and singing karaoke (badly). Its a fucking scene in every sense of the phrase. Its so bad that after 31 years of obstaining I finally broke down and sang karaoke.

What did I sing? Well, Carribean Queen...of course.

TJ said...

And here I thought you'd be a Danzig or Pantera guy. I'm sure they'd love that.

Mark said...

I do love Danzig, Pantera, Slayer and the like but I also like to play to the crowd.

It's what performers do...we're sharing the same dream.