Friday, May 16, 2008

G:TB Celebrates America

With Memorial Day rapidly approaching, the G:TB staff will be spreading our whimsy to the four corners of the globe. Or at least to a few select resort destinations mostly confined to the Eastern United States. (While the silliness and immaturity of our worldview knows few metaphysical bounds, it is fairly geographically limited, basically encompassing the landmass from Nags Head, NC to Boston, MA. And Romania.) In celebration of the coming holiday, we present you with this series of travel primers.

First up, Butler, PA.

The seat of the cleverly named Butler County, Butler is the ancestral home of both Big John Studd and Bret Michaels. Little known fact: 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' is an homage to Rose Pankowitz, Michaels' elementary school girlfriend and now proprietor of the Aunt Sarah's Pancake House in downtown Butler.

Butler's also memorialized on film, serving as the location for the legendary 'Night of the Living Dead'. G:TB's own Teejay O'Doul will be reenacting several scenes from the classic picture as he visits his in-laws in bucolic Western PA over the holiday season.

Next on G:TB's whirlwind tour: Myrtle Beach, SC

85 comments:

rob said...

so, according to the president and john mccain, negotiating with foreign regimes we don't like somehow makes america look weak. but going hat in hand to saudi arabia and getting kicked in the ass makes us look...macho?

end pointless rhetorical absurdism

Rhymenocerous said...

Teej:

How drunk do you get around the in-laws?

I hope the answer is "very," and that it's followed up with a story or three.

Mark said...

I think I've mentioned this here before but here I go again:

I am completely, unbelievably amazed that Darrell Rasner is a starting pitcher in MLB. The guy wasn't even the #1 pitcher for the A-Ball team I used to work for. And it wasn't as if he had a bunch of tools and needed to put it all together mentally either. He just wasn't that good, imo. Of course, here he sits at 2-0 and starting for the Yankees tonight. Its quite clear I dont understand baseball. As if Jim Bowden's extended run as the Nats GM wasn't proof enough of that.

Geoff said...

Hi rob! :)

Rhymenocerous said...

Rasner keeps his fastball down in the zone and he changes speeds. It's been as simple as that for him. And Suzyn Waldman loves him, so he must be great.

I predict he and the Yanks will come crashing back to earth tonight as Johan dominates. I will feel conflicted as a Yankee fan who has Johan in my roto league. I will also feel drunk from drinking scotch alone on my couch, but that's irrelevent to my point.

rob said...

geoffrey! so good of you to drop in on our little salon.

i, too, have no idea how darrell rasner is an mlb starter, other than the fact that hank steinbrenner is a master motivator.

and rhyme-o, i will be using jameson's instead of scotch, but the end result will be largely the same.

TJ said...

Even I try to limit my dumbassery around my wife's family, but if I act the fool I'll report back in after the fact.

Mark said...

One more thing about Rasner, he and his wife look disturbingly similar. Its really creepy, I thought she was his sister for the first couple weeks of the season.

TJ said...

Ian Kennedy seems to be a huge pussy. So I guess he is like Mussina Lite.

Mark said...

Anybody else get a kick out of the fact that ESPN's horse racing expert is named Randy Moss? Everytime I hear him introduced I picture Pats WR Randy Moss pontificating on horses whilst draped in jewelry and a do-rag. It really amuses me when Im sitting around by myself...

Mark said...

No? Nobody? Not even TJ? Screw you guys...

Geoff said...

I've met Big John Studd...several times...but alas now he has passed on to the squared circle in the sky. His wife was about 4'11", 98lbs. I don't imagine there was much missionary sex in their home.

Mark said...

I'd like to refrain from imagining Big John Studd in any sexual position, thank you very much.

Sisler said...

But no doubt his finishing move was still the Reverse Bearhug.

Mark, I couldn't agree more about the Randy Moss thing. The first time I heard it, I was in earshot of the TV but couldn't see it. I almost broke my neck trying to get a look at the screen. Alas, I was very disappointed.

rob said...

and we were doing such a great job of giving mark the home run silent treatment. now it's ruined.

Sisler said...

Sorry, I should have waited for him to get to the dugout and point to himself on the instant replay.

rob said...

he totally would have, too.

Mark said...

Well, if I'd have done that then Ted would've had to come here to scold me.

TJ said...

This is what I would call a "bad hire":

One of the nine Afghans who won the right to live in Britain after hijacking a plane is now working at Heathrow airport as a cleaner, it emerged last night.

TJ said...

Speaking of shitty Yankees pitchers:

Carl Pavano (elbow) could throw off a half-mound next week. Pavano is rehabbing after Tommy John surgery, and he's currently throwing from 60 feet on flat ground. He is hoping to be ready to return in July.

Hey dick, don't bother. You suck ass.

rob said...

that's the secret weapon? carl pavano? well played, little stein.

Rhymenocerous said...

The Yanks are in real trouble this year. If Pettite doesn't bounce back, and if Hughes can't come back and contribute, the team won't have a prayer.

What's been lost in their mediocre play of late has been the solid effort by their bullpen. Joba and Mo each showed mortality once, but the other guys (Ohlendorf, Veras, Farnsworth) have been strong. Too bad the team couldn't capitalize on that. Giambi has turned into Steve Balboni Jr., Ensberg isn't on the HGH any more, and Shelley Duncan is playing like the mongloid he resembles.

It's good for Joe Girardi that the dysfunctional Metropolitans have been stealing the headlines this week...

Mark said...

If the Yankees are relying on me to contribute to their pitching staff, well, they're in even bigger trouble than anybody thought...

rob said...

awesome news. airwolf is for sale:

http://blog.wired.com/cars/2008/05/airwolf-for-sal.html

for an additional $20, jan-michael vincent will wash the windows.

Mark said...

You can talk him down Rob. I got him to do the windows at my house for $15.

Sisler said...

I expected the high bidder to be someone called "towlie_tj_6971".

Mark said...

That was good. I like this Sisler fellow...

TJ said...

Too bad it's just another Whitney moniker...

Or is it?

Mark said...

TJ...I know you love my Spurs "hate posts" so I figured I'd let you know I was at it again.

TJ said...

Attaboy...embrace the hate.

Hey, you think the Celts will lose on the road again tonight? I sure do.

Mark said...

The hate makes me strong. And yeah, I do...they've given me no reason to believe otherwise. I actually think the home team wins in both games tonight. Thats a shocking prediction, I know.

Mark said...

The Celtics are up 33-32 with less than two minutes left in the first half. Good Lord, that is some atrocious offense. My city league games routinely have more scoring in the first half...and we play with a running clock.

rob said...

that was as bad a final 2 minutes as the celtics could have played. they may win this series, but they ain't no championship team.

Mark said...

You're right Rob. The playoffs have exposed them.

TJ said...

Are you fucking kidding me with this game? This is fucking atrocious.

TJ said...

We are all witnesses to an offensive three mile island.

TJ said...

"One of his greatest strengths is his physical strength"

Thanks hon.

TJ said...

KG you choker. Make the 4 footer.

TJ said...

Well miracle of miracles, we've cracked 70.

TJ said...

Goaltend?

TJ said...

There is no way the Pistons want to see LeBron again.

TJ said...

Um, travel?

TJ said...

Awful.

TJ said...

Jayson Werth, 3 home runs and 8 ribbies tonite.

TJ said...

Nice to see Jalen Rose dressed like Louis Farrakhan on SportsCenter right now.

Mark said...

It must be something int he water in Bristol today. Shaun Kin was sporting a similar outfit earlier on NFL Live. By the way, am I the only person who thinks its ridiculous that NFL Live is currently airing Monday thru Friday, in the middle of fucking May?

TJ said...

No, you're not.

Whitney said...

Teejay, you broke Rule 4 of How to Have a Blog But Still Stay on The Good Side of the Dividing Line Between Normal People and Sad, Lonely, Pathetic Losers.

(According to the good book, Rule 4 states that "You may not comment 10 times in a row without someone else, anyone else, breaking the monologue. This isn't a stage for soliloquy, Mercutio, nor is this a sanitarium for the demented ramblings of a madman in conversation with himself. Blog comment onanism must share the same social stigma with everyday onanism. Find a friend.")

Please mind the rules lest we get cited.

TJ said...

You got me.

Zoltan said...

Bad news for OJ's girlfriend, who looks disturbingly like OJ's dead wife.

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/entertainment/sfl-0514ojsimpson,0,6968927.story

Zoltan said...

But good news for me. I'm going to Game 7 tomorrow. I saw LeBron play live once but he totally mailed it in.

TJ said...

I say Celts win despite a 40-10-10 from LeBron.

TJ said...

Mark, Indiana Jones marathon on again today...Sci-Fi Channel this time.

"Asps...very dangerous. You go first."

Mark said...

I commented to my gf that this was the second consecutive Indiana Jones marathon of the past two weekends earlier tonight. Of course, I didn't watch any of it. Can you even sleep tonight TJ, with the thought of the Celtics choking in a game 7 at home dancing in your head?

TJ said...

Whitney's not going to like it, but I will be watching every minute of that game, commenting away like a lunatic...

Whitney said...

I don't make the rules, Teej, I just report them. Don't kill the messenger.

TJ said...

Here's a thought pal...why don't you watch the game as well and contribute to the discourse.

TJ said...

Stupid fucking Mike Lupica is now a horse racing expert (I dvr'd Sports Reporters).

TJ said...

OK, who else just saw Randy Moss (the WR, Mark)?

rob said...

is there a brush fire in the garden?

TJ said...

Who's paying 35 bucks for a football?

TJ said...

Can someone tell me when Eddie House became a defense guy? Isn't this the same guy who dropped 40 at ASU several times?

TJ said...

Hmmmmm....

Mark said...

I'm pretty sure Eddie House dropped 50+ once at ASU as well. And, I wouldn't call him a "defense guy" but just about anybody would look like a decent defender when compared with Sam Cassell

Mark said...

Weird lineup on the floor for Boston right now...Rondo, House, Posey, Pierce & Garnett.

TJ said...

Cavs have noooooo respect for Rando's "jumper".

Mark said...

Rondo doesn't have any respect for his jumper.

Mark said...

Way to contribute with 2 points this afternoon Ray...

TJ said...

Solid airball from KG.

Mark said...

Uh oh, LeBron's getting warm...

TJ said...

As we learned this week, I like french fries...and this game.

Mark said...

This is semi-blaphemous but this Pierce-LBJ battle is starting to look a little like Nique-Bird.

Mark said...

Sometimes its like we share a brain TJ.

Mark said...

They're playing "Girls' by the Beastie Boys at the Boston Garden right now...Really?

Mark said...

How come nobody ever walks up to me and gives me a Heineken Light?

TJ said...

How fucking warm is that Heineken once it gets to the cowboy?

TJ said...

Oh my.

Mark said...

He's Mexican TJ, he doesn't care.

Now, is it just me or has LBJ gotten away with a few muggings on Pierce in the 4th?

Mark said...

PJ Brown has killed the Cavs late. Didn't see that coming...

TJ said...

Well Ray, don't blow this.

Mark said...

Well, there's Ray Allen's contribution.

TJ said...

Get out of my brain please.

Mark said...

I tried TJ, believe me, but i can't find my way out. Its quite smokey in here.

TJ said...

Remind me 30 yrs from now to find out where Eddie House lives, knock on his door, and ask him to shoot two free throws.

Mark said...

Sure, no problem.