G:TB Celebrates America, The Grand Finale

So far on G:TB's Memorial Day walkabout, we've learned about Butler, PA, spent a few moments by the shore in Manasquan, NJ, and settled in for some quiet seaside reflection in Little River, SC. In this, our final pre-holiday travel post, the destinations take a back seat to history.

Before we get to that, though, we'll let Dennis talk about his weekend plans. G:TB's Inter-Regional man of mystery weighs in with a thought-provoking itinerary, examining the undeniable societal tension between want and need, luxury and necessity, Titleist and Nike:

On Saturday morning I’ll stay in Alexandria and walk in the park as much as possible. I’ll then drive to the nearest local grocer for cooking supplies in my hybrid car at a cool 35 MPH. When in my house that evening, I’ll have the windows open and the air conditioner off. After dinner, I’ll read books, sing songs, and tell tales of a world replete with renewable energy sources until I drift asleep.

On Sunday morning, I’ll wake up to a 32 oz. cup of Starbucks coffee. My friends and I will then each drive our separate SUV’s to a golf course 45 miles away and spend $150 for the rights to ride gas-powered carts around a 10-acre rock quarry turned lush green meadow.

On Monday, I’ll sit around wondering whether I’m an environmentalist or a masochist.

Whitney, meanwhile, will be hitting for the little-known Suburban Cycle, supping first in Ashburn, VA and then in Kensington, MD. Ashburn's the home of the Washington Redskins' training facility, Old Dominion Brewery (recently purchased by the soulless bastards at Anheuser-Busch) the first home I ever purchased, and...well, some nice jogging trails interspersed with a handful of tasteful strip malls and planned neighborhoods. Kensington, meanwhile, is home to Matthew Lesko, the question-mark-festooned latenight pitchman, and a lovely little community in its own right.

Speaking of festooned, the highlight of G:TB's Memorial Day this year, as the last two, is the District of Columbia's Memorial Day Parade. If there were even one iota of justice in the world, the trip down Constitution Avenue would be every bit as world-reknowned as the Macy's Thanksgiving Day and Rose Bowl Parades. Sure, balloon creatures, lip-synched pop songs performed by one-hit wonders, and flower-bedecked flatbeds have their own special appeal. But those cultural touchstones lack one thing: neither of those festive events feature the world's leading Abraham Lincoln scholar/impersonator.

In the words of Chris Farley, "Awwwwesommme".

Abe and G:TB wish you and yours a spectacular Memorial Day weekend. And a magnificent beard.

G:TB Celebrates America

We'll hew close to the shoreline in today's travelogue, bypassing our new internet friends in the Outer Banks (and we'll be compiling our own list of songs at some point, and it's safe to say there won't be any England Dan) and heading all the way to Little River, SC, Home of the Annual Blue Crab Festival.

My parents' early-retirement homestead lives under the motto, There's Something Here for Everyone. Which is true, so long as everyone enjoys chain restaurants, rednecks, chain retail outlets, theme restaurants (chain or otherwise), and a disconcerting racial tension. The picture at left, courtesy of the town's official website, depicts the new post office. So let it not be said that the gentle breeze of progress has stilled in Little River's slow-moving waters.

I kid, I kid. (Dad, if you're reading, you realize that this congenital wiseassery is all your fault, right?) There's golf, too, by the large bucket. And beaches - miles and miles of really nice beaches, plenty of which are uncrowded and unsullied. The northern end of the Grand Strand is a quaint, slow-paced haven for refugees from colder climes - my kind of beachside community. Just don't wander too far south, or all that stuff I said above starts to apply in larger and larger measure.

Little River, though. That's all right by me, now that I've found a good cup of coffee and a place I can get fresh seafood and hush puppies on a paper plate.

Almost done with G:TB Across America, or whatever the hell we're calling this. I promise you, unconditionally, that you'll be stupefied and amazed by Thursday's finale. There exist pictures that will take you back in time, and forward in your appreciation for one of G:TB's own.

G:TB Celebrates America

As much as we know you were itching to read about Myrtle Beach today, we’re gonna shake things up a bit. Mostly because someone else was kind enough to do the work.

Today, via the magic of the internet, we take you on a scenic journey to Manasquan, NJ, site of Rhymenocerous’ summer home and Memorial Day destination.

Among other things, Manasquan is noted as the town where Jack Nicholson went to high school. It’s a mere 5 miles from Bruce Springsteen's Asbury Park and but a single mile from Wall Township, where Eliot Spitzer's paid paramour grew up. Finally, Manasquan’s a mile from Point Pleasant, where the American Idol chick who took risque internet photos a couple years back grew up. Piper Perabo grew up there too. You all remember her from Coyote Ugly. The movie, not the collegiate dating technique.

Celebs and sluts. Welcome to New Jersey!

As for Manasquan itself, there's not much to say other than it has the best surf break in NJ and all the teenagers are burnouts. Most of the parents are veteran party animals themselves who own beach cruisers. They (our friend included?) use these cruisers to bike to the local bars or house parties, where they can get sloshed and teeter home on side streets without getting a DUI.

As for Rhymenocerous’ time there this weekend, he’ll be healthy and sober Friday night, healthy on his 5-mile run Saturday morning, dehydrated that day, very drunk that Saturday night (To quote him, instead of just steal his words, “I have a 50% track record of blacking out and/or vomiting on the nights of my runs because I usually start drinking by 4 PM and never stop until I fall down”), and very hung over that next morning.

On Sunday, he'll procrastinate about the long list of things to do at his new place, including fun items like painting, installing child seats on bicycles and spreading cedar mulch over the weeds growing around the perennials in the front yard. He’ll putter around in his yard and start to feel better as frozen margarita #2 kicks in by 5 PM. He’ll then make a quick drunken bike ride to the local supermarket to buy some red meat to cook up on his unnecessarily large and expensive Weber grill. (The Genesis. It’s so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend it.) He’ll then drink until he passes out and/or gets put to bed by his wife. Hopefully, he’ll have some company during the drinking stage of the night, although it's sadly not necessary.

G:TB Celebrates America

With Memorial Day rapidly approaching, the G:TB staff will be spreading our whimsy to the four corners of the globe. Or at least to a few select resort destinations mostly confined to the Eastern United States. (While the silliness and immaturity of our worldview knows few metaphysical bounds, it is fairly geographically limited, basically encompassing the landmass from Nags Head, NC to Boston, MA. And Romania.) In celebration of the coming holiday, we present you with this series of travel primers.

First up, Butler, PA.

The seat of the cleverly named Butler County, Butler is the ancestral home of both Big John Studd and Bret Michaels. Little known fact: 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' is an homage to Rose Pankowitz, Michaels' elementary school girlfriend and now proprietor of the Aunt Sarah's Pancake House in downtown Butler.

Butler's also memorialized on film, serving as the location for the legendary 'Night of the Living Dead'. G:TB's own Teejay O'Doul will be reenacting several scenes from the classic picture as he visits his in-laws in bucolic Western PA over the holiday season.

Next on G:TB's whirlwind tour: Myrtle Beach, SC