Up Late with McBain

I can only go so long without throwing up some interweb beauts (damn it, no OJ news)...well, at least I found them to be beauts, you might find them a momentary diversion from a mundane morning...anyway, the Wiz play at Minnesota tonight so I either need to stop fucking around doing "links" posts and do the Wiz Watch this morning, or be supremely lazy and do nothing at all and see how early BLS MVP Laster can hit the local watering holes...let's see what the Magic 8 Ball says...

** I haven't talked about them much, because really, what is there to write about a 2-7 football team that is getting worse. HOWEVAH, there is much speculation that if the Great Cryer (Dick Vermeil, not Jon "Duckie" Cryer) leaves Kansas City after this season, current Jets coach Herm Edwards would be the likely replacement. The same guy who gave us "You Play To Win The Game" and "How The Jets Win" yesterday went from having one foot out the door to reiterating his commitment to be the Jets coach next year. I'm not gonna shed a tear if Herm leaves (though I'm sure Jason Whitlock will have something to say) - all I need to know is whether to buy the Leinart jersey or the Bush jersey. This Jets season is uglier than the Defenestration of Prague. [NY Daily News]

** OK, so I guess the Mets aren't using Mike Cameron in a package for Manny Ramirez...I am a bit curious to see how the Mets plan to use Xavier Nady. He's always been regarded as a prospect with tremendous UPPPSIDE...but he has struggled at times and been shifted around between 1st Base and the Outfield. If the Mets really want to grab Carlos Delgado from the Marlins, Nady's gotta be going to the OF. Where does that leave Victor Diaz? (Whit or Jerry, this is where your expertise comes in handy) Oh, and to Mike Cameron...congrats...enjoy the spacious outfield at Petco, the fantastic weather in San Diego, the fish tacos, and Shamu. Say hi to Joyner for me. [Newsday]

** Vaya con Dios...Olin Kreutz, Fred Miller, Johnny Utah, and Bodhi (perhaps sprinkle in some crazy ass Angelo Pappas). Is that how this went down? That's how I'm picturing it. "You crossed the line. People trusted you and they died. You gotta' go down." Who says beers, BBQ, an FBI shooting range and meathead linemen don't mix? [Chicago Sun Times]

Shifting gears for a moment, yesterday was a big day down at the Cracker Factory...it was Girl Scout Cookie Day. That's right, for the seventh year in a row that I've brought home a paycheck and taken it "Oz"-style from Da Man in the form of FICA taxes, this guy has two boxes of delicious Trefoils sitting on his desk (actually, one sleeve is in the bottom desk drawer, one sleeve is on top of my computer, and one sleeve is hidden for emergency reasons...that fourth sleeve, well, the poor fella never had a chance). Trefoils are, of course, the greatest of all Girl Scout Cookies...

** This reality show has every chance to shatter the bar for "dumbest collection of people on Earth." [London Evening Standard]

** This is a scary link on several levels. First, in honor of Rivalry Week, Fox delivers the geriatric Battle of the Ages, Dick Clark vs. Regis Philbin. Look closer, for there is a darker horror...Clark's replacement...I think "no talent hack" describes him best. [Variety]

** Two gems courtesy of Page 6...Anna Nicole's in training for the upcoming WNBA season...and seriously, would it have killed Paris to name the monkey "Mr. Teeny"? [Courtesy of, meaning copied and pasted from, Page 6]

-- Anna Nicole Smith showed up at Hamburger Mary's in West Hollywood to play bingo for charity last week and took home quite a prize - a barmaid. Tracy, a pretty blonde, allowed herself to be picked up by the former Playmate and was later bragging about the night she spent with Smith, sharing pictures from her digital camera with patrons at the bar. "She wasn't keeping it a secret," a PAGE SIX source relates. "Anna Nicole put her in handcuffs and her neck was covered with hickeys." The source added, "Anna Nicole was doing that butt-slapping thing...it was just bizarre. And her son was in the house." Calls to Tracy and Smith were not returned.

-- Paris Hilton's new pet monkey, Baby Luv, went bananas when she took the peeved primate on a lingerie shopping spree in Las Vegas last weekend.

** In case you didn't notice (and it's OK if you didn't...it took Cornell almost beating Syracuse for me to notice), the college basketball season has begun. I am a huge college hoops fan, and I particularly enjoy some of the early season tournaments, as you can occasionally get a beat on who might have a breakout season before Thanksgiving even hits. Four ranked teams play tonight on ESPN and The Ocho:

Florida vs. #18 Wake Forest
#16 Syracuse vs. Texas Tech
#12 Memphis vs. #14 Alabama
Temple vs. #18 UCLA

Keep an eye on slick James Calipari at Memphis and the Ben Howland-led squad at UCLA. These teams might be very good and no one realizes it yet. Since I need to craft more prose each week, I'm hoping to supplement the Wiz Watch with some sort of GTB College Hoops Report, you know, some nonsensical poll or list or some other crap you may or may not read. Moving on...on the hardwood last night Dennis' favorite squadron beat Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle 92-40 in a CYO game. [ESPN]

** That reminds me...ESPN.com has thrown up the The Great College Hoops Tournament in honor of the season beginning, and it truly is a great parlor game. UCLA's all-time roster vs. Louisville's all-time roster? Kentucky vs. Syracuse? I plan to waste a good part of my afternoon messing around with this. The only real problem I see is that Scoop Jackson seems to be involved. I'd rather watch Skip Bayless debate Joey Lawrence (all complaints regarding complete loss of work productivity should be sent to Chocolate City reader Michael E.) [Page 2]

** What I'm reading when not typing these magnificent posts - FireJoeMorgan.com. I was pimping these guys a few weeks ago, and they tickled my fancy again yesterday with their absolute hatchet job of "Around the Horn" and LA Times uber donkey Bill Plaschke. Any guy who makes Woody Paige look good needs to be pummeled. [Fire Joe Morgan]

And finally, a salute to a guy who is fast becoming a Gheroghe favorite, Mr. Clinton Portis...
- First, he was Southeast Jerome (Afro wig, fake gold teeth, mask and cape)
- Then apparently Jerome died a tragic death, and it was Dr. Don't Know (pink wig, pink Mardi Gras glasses, huge fake black mustache)
- And now, we've got Sheriff Gonna Get Ya (black wig, bug-eyed shades and sheriff's badge...just look at that photo) - the Sheriff is apparently tracking the Southeast Jerome case. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

It's a Saturday night special...

...Got a barrel that's blue and cold
Ain't no good for nothin'
But put a man six feet in a hole

Just three weeks ago, in this space and countless (real) media outlets around the nation, Auburn kicker John Vaughn was dead and buried after missing 5 field goals in an OT loss to LSU. Well, Mr. Vaughn, I salute you for stepping up and making the huge kick against Georgia Saturday night. Yeah, it was a chip shot, but if you saw Tommy Tuberville's post-game interview, I don't think anyone on the Auburn sideline was taking that kick for granted, not the way things have gone for Johnny V all season. Here's hoping the kicker was “rewarded” for his effort late night...
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It's coming down to the wire for the Heisman, and here are one guy’s humble choices to head to NYC…
Vince Young (has all the momentum in the world while playing Pop Warner teams):
155-of-244 passing, 2,414 yards, 22 touchdowns, 8 interceptions
117 rushes, 774 yards, 8 touchdowns

Matt Leinart (Herm Edwards is gonna love this kid):
211-of-318 passing, 3,017 yards, 23 touchdowns, 7 interceptions
35 rushes, 34 yards, 5 touchdowns

Reggie Bush (needs a dynamic SportsCenter highlight play to regain early season pub):
140 rushes, 1,104 yards, 11 touchdowns
28 receptions, 315 yards, 2 touchdowns
16 punt returns, 162 yards, 1 touchdown

Brady Quinn (perhaps a homer pick, but he at least needs to be in the conversation…that Michigan State loss becomes worse by the week):
217-of-330 passing, 2,931 yards, 27 touchdowns, 5 interceptions
51 rushes, 99 yards, 1 touchdown

[Believe it or not, there’s a QB in the land with better passing numbers than all of these guys – Drew Olson of UCLA (218-of-322 passing, 2,909 yards, 30 touchdowns, 3 interceptions). Unfortunately, UCLA’s drubbing at the hands of Arizona might’ve caused many writers to ignore the Bruins this week, missing Olson’s 510 yard, 5 TD performance. It’s OK Drew, everyone has forgotten about my favorite guy Maurice Drew as well. Now, if you go out and beat USC in an Arena Football shoot-out the writers might just need to rethink those votes.]

After looking at the numbers, it’s hard NOT to pick Leinart. He’s the superstar QB of a team that’s won 32 straight games, he has phenomenal numbers AND he was last year’s Heisman winner. HOWEVAH, Bush and Leinart are going to split some votes (and heck, LenDale White might steal a few votes too), and Vince Young will benefit big from this. Right now, November 14, 2005, I’m handing the Heisman Trophy to Vince Young.
****
How happy is Steve Spurrier today? After what can only be described as an unmitigated coaching disaster in Washington, Spurrier returned to college football and the SEC, taking over the reins from Lou Holtz at South Carolina. Spurrier could've been outcoached by Radio while leading the Skins...in the last two weeks he's beaten his nemesis Phatty Phil Fulmer and new Florida hotshot Urban Meyer. You think the 'ol ball coach isn't loving every minute of this? South Carolina's won 5 SEC games in a row (ranked #19 in the AP poll today) and still has an outside shot of making the SEC title game (of course their fate is in the hands of Kentucky, but whatever, there’s a slight chance).
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OK, I'll say it - the Minnesota Golden Gophers are the Denver Broncos of college football. Just like Mike Shanahan in Denver, the coaches in Minnesota seem to be able to plug any back into the system and produce a 100 yard performance. Shanahan’s given us Terrell Davis, Olandis Gary, Mike Anderson, Clinton Portis, Reuben Droughns, Quentin Griffin and Tatum Bell in recent years. Glen Mason and Minnesota, in just the last 2 years, have produced Marion Barber III (stealing Julius Jones’ job in Dallas), Laurence Maroney, Gary Russell and, yesterday, some kid named Amir Pinnix (32 rushes for 206 yards). If I knew who their OL coach was I’d throw him a bone, but I’m too lazy to look it up.
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There has been a ton of talk this year about how dreadful the NFC North is. Well, let me submit that the AFC East, despite housing the defending Super Bowl champs, is an equally dreadful division. New England is the only team above .500, and they barely beat Miami yesterday. The Patriots are 5-4 despite being outscored by 33 points this year. The starting QBs in the AFC East (minus the handsome Tom Brady) – Gus Frerotte, J.P. Losman (I’m assuming he stole his job back yesterday) and Brooks Bollinger. Yikes. The Jets are 2-7, and really, I don’t see any way they finish better than 3-13 (if they’re lucky). There is no way the Pats don’t win this thing, but don’t be surprised if they limp in at 8-8 or 9-7.
****
Biggest mismatch to hit the court this year? Anyone vs. the Raptors? Nope. Larry Brown vs. Stephon Marbury? Nope. It’s the team of Greg Anthony/Dopey/Happy/Grumpy/Doc vs. Dee Brown/Bashful/Sleepy/Sneezy/Doctor J. Is Rob Babcock making Anthony’s personnel decisions? Passing up Julius Erving for a dwarf with an untradeable max contract in Doc? Unforgivable. And Anthony already has the Lamar Odom of dwarves. What a HORRIBLE mismatch. Dr. J is going to crush these guys.
****
Now, not having the DirectTV package, I am often subjected to some miserable football games on Sunday, most often involving the Brian Billick-led Baltimore Ravens. Well, I did get the rotten Ravens yesterday, but I was luckily able to ignore them as Fox showed the Giants/Vikings game (and that Skins/Bucs game was one of the better regular season games in recent memory). Not a lot to be said, as the mocking of the Giants effort and “special” teams has already been done by this blogosphere’s Giants fan. But can we talk about this list that Antonio Pierce keeps, of the 31 linebackers taken ahead of him in the 2001 draft (he was an undrafted free agent)? He apparently gets great joy out of crossing their names off the list each time one of these guys leaves the league...anyone else getting that “Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison” vibe from Antonio?
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The MLS Cup is poop.
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More on the Wiz later in the week...for now, I'll just say Gilbert Arenas is an absolute animal...I saw him single-handedly destroy the Spurs Saturday night…

Why not today?

It’s Wednesday, so why not the GTB Weekly Wiz Watch (I'm a big fan of alliteration)...

Washington Wizards, 3-0
1st in the Southeast Division
2nd in the Eastern Conference
#1 in our hearts

The Wiz have opened the season strong, albeit against weak competition, with wins at Toronto (99-96) and New York (86-75), and a home victory against Orlando 87-79. As Geoff mentioned yesterday, they're 3-0 for the first time since they won a title (and as Slater just mentioned in an email, a win tonight would be the first 4-0 start for the Chocolate City franchise since 1977…and no, I’m not fact checking their work). The Wiz have three crappy teams in their division (and one 800 lb. gorilla in Miami) and have to continue to win these types of games against the NBA’s dregs to have any chance at a top-4 finish and homecourt in the playoffs (that’s right Whitney, we can start the playoff talk right now…and just keep it going until I am 24 Coors Light richer).

Antawn Jamison and Gilbert Arenas have been the stars for the Wiz in Games 1-3 (as expected), Jamison scoring 29 against the hapless Raptors and Arenas dropping 27 and 30 against NY and Orlando, respectively. My boy Brendan Haywood had 14 boards against Toronto, and Michael Ruffin (5 boards a game) and Jared Jeffries have also been solid contributors on the glass in the early going (Jamison is averaging almost 10 boards a game, impressive for a guy with a creaky knee). Newcomer Antonio Daniels still needs to figure out how he best fits into this team, but the 5 assists a game are a good start (hopefully his ankle is fine too). Calvin Booth is still a huge donkey.

***Just a few words on the first three opponents…
The Toronto Raptors are already 0-4 and are atrocious. Rookie Charlie Villanueva looks like a 6’8” mochachino “Powder”, the Raptors start the druglord from Miami Vice in Jose Calderon, and their star player, Chris Bosh, still looks like he might break in half from a stiff breeze. Their GM is a laughingstock, and their veteran “leader” is Jalen Rose. That about covers it…these clowns are winning 15 games max.

Ah yes, how could we forget lovable Larry Brown moving on to his dream job in NY. The Knicks also happen to be winless as of this post, and Brown is already trying to move Jamal Crawford (OK, I have no proof of that, but I’m betting Peter Vescey already has a few fictional deals in place for Crawford). They traded Michael Sweetney, who I’m pretty sure can be a contributor in this league if someone would ever give him the minutes, for Eddy Curry, who Swint affectionately called “Hank Gathers” a few weeks back. Larry hates young guys, yet the best players on this team are probably Stockard Channing Frye, David Lee and (I can’t believe I’m going to type this) Trevor Ariza. This might play out very poorly for Larry.

The Orlando Magic. Hmmm, let’s see – the guy they drafted, Fran Vazquez, refused to play with them, instead staying in Spain. Dwight Howard is a legit beast, but he’s surrounded by Stevie Migraine, Hedo Turkoglu and Kelvin Cato. Grant Hill, in the most shocking announcement of the year, is hurt again. I can’t even tell you who their coach is (wow, Brian Hill…never would’ve guessed it). HOWEVAH, I will say they’re better than NY or Toronto. So Coach Hill has that going for him.

****
Now, defensively, the Wiz have held two of three opponents below 80 points (understanding that, yes, these teams are poop). All three opponents shot less than 40% from the floor. Excellent. That said, giving up 96 to the very questionable Toronto team on the road is disconcerting, but it’s not like Washington will ever be a defensive juggernaut. Just keep outscoring the competition…a system Gilbert is certainly happy with.

What the Wiz be saying…not only is he my breakout guy of the year, Mr. Haywood is apparently the team comic:
“We've even got Gilbert Arenas playing some defense this year."
Well, I don’t know about that…Gilbert is as allergic to defense as I am to Tide laundry detergent.

Tonight, the Wiz continue their four game homestand against the 3-1 L.A. Clippers (good seats might still be available…) Seattle and San Antonio stop by Dream, H2O, and the MCI Center over the weekend. I’m thinking the Wiz take 2 of 3 (losing to Timmy Afro) and come next week we will be discussing the surging 5-1 Washington Wizards (actually, as long as the Skins stay in the playoff hunt, NOBODY is talking about the Wiz. Except Slater I guess. And GTB.)

LUNCH UPDATE: I was working on this in the morning (I know, shocking), but didn't get it wrapped up before I had my nice 6 month lunch with HR (I guess checking to make sure I don't want to jump off the roof or something...I don't, in case you cared). Well, long story short, we're eating at Bistro Bis, about a block away from my work, and in walk Hulk Hogan and Virgial...OK, not really, but Chris Kaman and Chris Wilcox strolled by the table, and those are two very tall, VERY ugly dudes (looks like the Clippers are staying at the Hotel George if anyone wants to play that Junkies game of "Bother the Pro"...202-347-4200, ask for Mr. Rebraca, I'm betting he doesn't use an alias). Alas, before I could chat up said Clippers, the two disappeared into a very private back room for their pommes frittes. And SG wasn't exaggerating...Kaman is a dead ringer for the Hulkster right now.

Ryan Atwood, Fluffer

OK, so I was in San Francisco for work last week, and finally got back Monday night. I’ve been tired all week, and though we just spent a week out of the office, the “boss” types in the office decided to stick a bunch of TPS Reports on my desk for my return. Needless to say, I haven’t crafted anything much better than a comment or two since I’ve been back. HOWEVAH, a delicious turkey sandwich and several cups of afternoon coffee have me raring to go…

Thanks to some solid advice from Hot Action “House Ninja” MJ I flew jetBlue from Dulles to Oakland…and man was it worth it. The claims of more legroom might be a tad exaggerated (or I just might be a long legged ogre), but none of it matters because of the DIRECTV in the back of each seat. Five hours in a plane have never seemed shorter. There was no stopping the channel flipping…all the ESPNs (the Don Larsen SportsCentury was pretty good; even 30 seconds of “Rome Is Burning” is bad for your health), VH1 (caught several “I Love The 80s: 3D” episodes – let’s just say they could’ve stopped at “I Love The 80s Strikes Back”), VH1 Classic (the Eddy Grant “Electric Avenue” video and Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams…And Into My Car” being my favs), the Food Network (a great show on candy hosted by that dude from DoubleDare), a “Top 100 Scariest Movie Moments” marathon on Bravo and “Nightmare on Elm Street” in it’s entirety after that marathon (Johnny Depp is dreamy). One of the better flying experiences of my life…I did want to point out though that the Oakland airport is a complete shithole, and after driving past Oakland’s downtown, the airport seems to properly reflect the general aesthetic appeal of Oaktown.

I was generally confined to an area of San Fran that houses the large Moscone Convention Center where our conference was held (down by Union Square for those of you that know the town). Lots of hotels, shops (both boutique and chain), restaurants and of course bars. Working 12 hour days schmoozing with 30,000 realtors didn’t leave a lot of time (or energy) for exploring the city, but I did manage to eat a good dinner in the Pacific Heights area (see that movie if you haven’t - a very good and underrated psychological thriller) and hit up some bar called Asia SF…which, aside from having a crowded dance club downstairs blaring Nelly and 50 Cent, had a “Coyote Ugly”-esque drag show at the upstairs bar. Now, it might’ve been Halloween weekend, but I got the felling San Fran parties this way all year long. I managed to take down several beers at a safe distance from all the Buffalo Bills at the bar (the scary “Silence of the Lambs” Bills, not J.P. Losman and Nate Clements). I love when girls bitch and moan about drag queens - “Look at that…I wish I had an ass like that” – Ladies, it’s a dude, let it go. One of the Chicago IT guys just sent pictures of a large gathering at the W Hotel one night, and let’s just say everyone looked like they had a GREAT time. One other thing about San Fran that needs to be examined (I’m not going where you think I’m going)…

What is the deal with the homeless? I mean, Jesus Christ, you have got to be kidding me. This is the most aggressive and crazy group of homeless people I have ever encountered. “No” apparently means “Please follow me for blocks and perhaps even try to pickpocket me in broad daylight”. It’s like they shipped in 1,000 homeless Carl Everetts. Now, maybe it was the area I was staying in, but in talking to folks throughout the week, it seems ALL of the homeless in San Fran behave like this. It was a tad unsettling walking three blocks at dusk…and I’m a pretty large (re: fat) guy. I can only imagine how the ladies felt. Take the time today to thank your DC/MD/VA homeless for not being like the group in SF. Then run like hell from them before they touch you.

(Whitney, you might as well head to the Dubliner now…this paragraph does not apply to you at all) As the subject line indicates, the MLB Playoffs are over, and that means a return to normalcy for FOX Primetime broadcasting (Question – Which show gets cancelled first, “Bones” or “Killer Instinct”?). The O.C. and Reunion were back on the air last night, and as SportsGuy pointed out awhile back, the O.C really knows how to burn through storylines. I thought last night’s episode was pretty good, but it was almost ridiculous that in the last 15 minutes: Seth and Summer managed to bust Taylor, Sandy subsequently busted the Dean, Marisa and Ryan had an emotional good-bye AND Marisa and Ryan had an emotional reunion. I wouldn’t have minded if it took another episode…slow down fellas…we’re still gonna watch. As for Reunion, I’ve been with it since Episode 1, mainly because I thought the premise had promise (huh?). Memo to the people behind Reunion: I’m going to need some better scripts in upcoming weeks, or I will never make it to the exciting 2005 conclusion. I saw better emotion and chemistry between characters in the last Star Wars flick…and it’s not necessary to make every episode have some over-the-top twist, just weave a tale that keeps me glued to the TV in the hour following the O.C. That’s all Fox suits want, that’s all I want.

Now, I’ve got to go “prepare” for tomorrow’s Homecoming II…Whit, practice beers at the Dubliner/Times?

Obligatory image file...these girls are looking might fine...

Cagers, Wagers, Lagers

With this site being named what it is, there should really be more Bullets / Wizards content here. And there will be. Of course, I'm no longer the guy to bring it to you, what with me tendering my cancellation notice for season tickets after Season #1 of the "Washington Wizards" era.

TJ provided the initial outlook for the Wiz in '05-'06, but my NBA-appreciative colleague here at the Bureaucracy told me today the Wizards would "suck," and might even "suck bad." This is a shame for b-ball fans who enjoyed the rare taste of success last year, but it makes my bet with Monsignor Simspon look promising. Last year I sourly provided him with 24 Coors Lights after the 'zards made the playoffs. I'd be getting excited about my imminent case of Schlitz were there not 24 Pabsts in unpaid debt already. I'm not calling TJ a welcher by any means, though perhaps something that rhymes with welcher.

So basically this post has no other point in publicly assaulting Tajikistan Simspon for being only mildly tardy (1 month) on my beer. I could just as easily target Rob "The Original Gheorghe" Russell for the three cases he owes me, and unless he wants me to dredge up the why, I'd better be hearing the familiar melody of the neighborhood beer truck soon. But it's more fun to hassle TJ.

Anyway, I'll leave you with an NBA thought that's bound to make you think:

What ever happened to Jim McIlvaine?

I Missed My Nap For This?

Hmm.

The Redskins packed more ineptitude into the three hours of their pants-soiling at the Meadowlands today than TJ jams inappropriate references into a happy hour. And it was all bad, to be sure, but there was one particular level of suck that stood out above (below?) the rest in a way that sours the newly earned optimism in Skins camp.

I have never seen such a drastic case of regression, outside of my own psychological profile, as I saw in Mark Brunell today. This was the Mark Brunell we watched for half a season last year as we clawed our own eyes out. This was the Brunell who made P-Ram look like a pretty good option. Today's Mark Brunell, with the toe-tapping, head-swerving, and obvious unwillingness even to fire a warning shot down the field, was the guy we tried to run out of town last year.
Toe a tee. And that's horrible news for people who had just gotten suckered into believing again. (No, not me, of course not.)

That he had a legion of Jerry Lewises, Chevy Chases, and Chris Farleys alongside him didn't make it any easier for him to succeed, obviously. The runners couldn't, the receivers didn't, the blockers appeared not even to know how, and the defenders -- though taxed by their teammates time and time again -- pretty much tripped over themselves trying to. Penalties, play calls, and missed assignments -- you'd find more heads-up decisions on an episode of Gilligan's Island than in the Skins' portion of this game. But there was nobody who looked as cast away as Mark Brunell, and all we can do is speculate as to why and pray for never again.

It's harder in the NFL to shake this one off. You lose in baseball by a score of 26-3, you're usually back out there in fewer than 24 hours to change things. Similar stories in the NBA and this new hockey league that just started up. The Skins get a week to wallow in the excrement they created for three hours Sunday, and what with there being 18,755 journalists per actual sports new item, they're going to have a lot of unanswerable questions coming at them that will help the wallow. Enjoy, boys.

It will be interesting to see how contagious Brunell's regression is this week. Those of us who predicted 6-10 for Washington, then shied away from that as progress was made, may now begin to revisit those old prognostications with increased confidence in our own premonitory skill. If Bad Brunell shows up next Sunday night versus Philly -- and trust me, we'll know it by series #2 -- the last few weeks are going to feel like the running-on-the-beach dream for the double amputee.

Hey, TeeJay

Happy Anniversary.

"Nobody Does Basketball Better"

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the commercial I saw this morning pushing the 2005-2006 Washington Wizards (a link to the roster for the always fun “What college did they go to?” game). Where in year's past you might read that and laugh uncontrollably for 20 minutes, this year, you might laugh for...oh...20 minutes still, BUT not at The Wiz, rather at the bama who came up with that lame ass slogan. The Wiz have had a pretty active offseason, what with Kwame being traded to L.A., Andray Blatche getting clipped in Jerry’s hood, and of course Kwame again spouting off in the Post, so, without further (Freddy) ado, GTB's look at the 2005-2005 Washington Wizards:

2004-05 Record: 45-37, Finished 2nd in Southeast Division, Tied for 4th in Eastern Conference (6th in the league in scoring)
Won Eastern Conference 1st Round (4-2) over Chicago Bulls (First playoff series win in 23 years)
Lost Eastern Conference Semifinals (4-0) to Miami Heat

OFFSEASON PLAYER MOVEMENT
Players (and bongs) lost: Steve Blake, Kwame Brown, Juan Dixon, Larry Hughes, Laron Profit
Players re-signed: Michael Ruffin
Players added: Chucky Atkins, Andray Blatche, Calvin Booth, Caron Butler, Antonio Daniels, Hiram Fuller, Donnell Taylor

BACKCOURT
Even though Larry Hughes has departed for the sunny shores of Lake Erie, the Wiz still have a solid duo in Gilbert Arenas (25 pts and 5 assists a game) and newly signed Antonio Daniels (11 and 4). Gilbert will continue to fire at will, and in fact, there is no doubt he jacks more shots this year than last with Hughes gone. Geriatric Chucky Atkins (wow, 14 and 4), Caron Butler (an underrated scorer at 15 per game) and Jarvis Hayes (hey Jarvis, how about scaling back the clunkers you throw up there this year ok?) are a versatile trio off the bench (Atkins as a combo guard and Hayes and Butler able to play small forward in addition to shooting guard). I don’t think the loss of Hughes will be as bad as people think – scoring from the backcourt will surely decrease, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing for the Wiz. A few low post baskets or lay-ups per quarter are OK. Bonus points to the backcourt if Donnell Taylor of "Donnell and Ronnell lead UAB to shocking win over Kentucky fame" makes the squad.

FRONTCOURT
Antawn Jamison is the key – as long as his knee holds out, Jamison is an extremely efficient scorer and a Top 40 player in the league (as is Arenas by the way). He plays some of the worst defense I’ve ever seen, but that’s OK, he has these big donkeys to help him out in the paint - Etan Thomas (7 points and 5 rebounds in only 47 games) and Brendan Haywood (9, 7 and 2 blocks a game). Neither is dynamic offensively, but both can hit the glass and score down low when asked (well, OK, not always). Jamison has Butler and Hayes to back him up, as well as Jared “Blow Me Lips” Jeffries. Jeffries is a better defender than both Hayes and Butler, but I wish he would work on his offensive game a bit (just 7 and 5 last year), and stop being so damn gay. High comedy on the bench anytime Peter John Ramos and Andray Blatche try to have a conversation. I just realized I completely forgot Michael Ruffin - well, he's very ugly and a great hustle guy. Done.

BREAKOUT BAMA
Brendan Haywood** – I know, after reading the preceding paragraph, you must wonder what the hell I’m talking about. Well, the kid is only 25 years old, he’s 7 feet tall, and he’s entering his fifth year in the league. As Mr. Mandelbaum would say, "It's Go Time!" The Eastern Conference has room for a second-tier center to have a good campaign, why can’t Haywood throw up a 16, 10, and 2 season? He set career highs in everything last year, he had a solid playoff run, and most importantly, he (hopefully) will get a few more touches with Hughes gone (and that’s even conceding Gilbert jacking a few more threes a game)
**and yes Dennis, I know that no player in the NBA is worse at dropping the ball down on rebounds and getting stripped by midget guards...he's working on it

OUTLOOK
Eddie Jordan seems to know what he’s doing. Ernie Grunfeld seems to know what he’s doing. (and for anyone saying, “Oh Kwame will show them”…please, this is Kwame Brown you’re talking about…just wait until Kobe and Phil get done with him this year) Yes, the Wiz lost Hughes (and Dixon and Blake), but I don’t see a huge drop off with their replacements. Maybe Eddie can convince the guards to get the bigs a little more involved, the Wiz can become a bit more balanced, and stay the course. Much like with Whitney's office, success will be achieved by maintaining the status quo and doing absolutely nothing more. I have this Wiz team going 44-38, and finishing 6th or 7th in the East, playoff bound once again. I believe Whitney and I are renewing the Wizards Playoff Bet from last year, and keep your eyes out for the GTB Weekly Wiz watch as the season progresses (if the god damn thing would ever start). I can’t wait to hear Phil Chenier and Steve Buckhantz again...see you on "F"un Street, NW.


Last but not least, happy birthday today to Wheelhouse scribe Geoff Butt (much older than I would've expected)…I think he’d take a Skins victory over the Giants on Sunday as a belated gift.

Just another mundane Monday...

Some quick hit thoughts from a weekend of football watching, observing human beings and training for the first annual Redskins Sporting Clays Challenge...

**Is it just me, or are 95% of college kickers terrible? It seems to be a problem every year, hell, every week, with Saturday's star pupil being Auburn kicker John Vaughn, who missed 5 field goals against LSU. 5!!! I simply don't understand why coaching staffs don't make some sort of effort in the offseason to try to recruit a decent kicker, rather than assume they can find a kicker on the quad after soccer season ends or half-ass the recruiting of some kid their old fishing buddy suggested. I'm not saying a head coach needs to be making this visit (though in Bobby Bowden's case I think he should look for an 18 year old Lou Groza every year), but at least assign one coach to scout and recruit a kid who consistently makes field goals in high school (or community college). I mean, it can be done...there have been good college kickers...Jets draft pick Mike Nugent or Nate Kaeding or even Sebastian Janikowski come to mind...but it sure seems from week to week that I could grab a kid in facepaint out of the stands and he has about the same chance to make a 35 yarder as half of the 119 Division 1A kickers. And yes, before I get the "If you think it's so easy, you try to kick field goals" response - that's not what I'm saying. Obviously, my leg would fall off on the first attempt...I'm just saying I don't think teams try hard enough to get even a decent kicker (especially teams consistently in the mix for a BCS championship). It might be a good idea...ask Tommy Tuberville about it today.

**After watching Vince Young and Texas dismantle jolly old Mike Leach and Texas Tech, and seeing the highlights of the always fantastic Reggie Bush, I am willing to concede the Heisman Trophy is going to one of those two guys (well, at least for this week - out of the corner of my eye my boy Maurice Drew still might have a say in this thing). HOWEVAH, take a look at these three signal callers (only 1 of which is up for the Davey O'Brien Award), and tell me who you would take:

--Quarterback A - 145-of-224 passing (64.7 percent), 2,148 yards, 16 touchdowns, 5 interceptions, 17 rushing yards, 3 rushing TDs
--Quarterback B - 175-of-266 passing (65.8 percent), 2,352 yards, 20 touchdowns, 4 interceptions, 88 rushing yards, 1 rushing TD
--Quarterback C - 179-of-265 passing (67.5 percent), 2,181 yards, 12 touchdowns, 1 interceptions, 268 rushing yards, 5 rushing TDs

QB A (the only one on the DOB list) happens to be Matt Leinart, of USC and shagging Shannen Doherty fame. Very solid numbers for the defending Heisman winner, but in my homer opinion, he's currently trumped by QB B, the Golden Boy of the Golden Dome, Brady Quinn, who tossed 6 TDs on Saturday (and his 2005 numbers are even more absurd when compared to his pedestrian, pre-Weis career stats). But the real reason I threw these numbers up there was for QB C, who is the most underrated player in the country (and having a better season than QB A or QB B) - Brett Basanez of 5-2 Northwestern (3-1 in Big Ten play). Not only do these guys seem to play the noon game every Saturday on ESPN2 (Hi Pam Ward!), but they also seem to play one of the most exciting games each week, and they're winning most of them because of Basanez. Here's hoping the now ranked Wildcats and Basanez give Michigan a run for their money Saturday night.

**A Tale of Two QBs, NFL edition (specifically NFC East): I'm not saying the Giants are going to win the NFC East (I never would have thought I'd be psyched for a Skins/Giants Week 8 game), but with Eli Manning at the helm they certainly have a great shot (yep, I'm ignoring the Eagles in this equation, I know). Quite a 4th quarter from a 2nd year kid, with tremendous throws under pressure, and tremendous poise after an INT that could've crushed the comeback. Which gets me to the other QB in this tale, the absolutely dreadful Drew Bledsoe. If you haven't seen the pick Drew through with 10 seconds left in regulation against the Seahawks, then you missed the single worst pass I have ever seen. It took 7 weeks, but that's the Drew everyone was waiting for, and it was even more abortive than expected (call it a "Category 7" if you will). Eli gives Giants fans a reason to believe they're winning the NFC East and making a move in the playoffs. Drew Bledsoe has Dallas fans still shaking their heads as to how the hell a 13 year NFL veteran can throw a worse ball than Alex Smith did all day (ok, I wanted to call it the worst pass in the history of the NFL, but then the ghost of Garo Yepremian appeared in my cube). I'm willing to bet Bill Parcells would like to hit Drew upside the head with a 9 iron today. Bledsoe made Aaron Brooks look like Joe Montana Sunday.

**I am in no way a fashion expert (everyone will vouch for that). I try to survive each day matching my blues/blacks/browns, but even I know a fashion travesty when I see it. There is no reason to ever wear a XXL football jersey to a restaurant...ever. If the eatery was called, oh, Popeyes or something, maybe...maybe. But if you're headed to a normal, "sit down and have a waiter serve you" restaurant, please keep the jersey in mothballs...even I think you look ridiculous. And I'm the guy with an OJ Simspon jersey.

**I hope to actually discuss this ignored World Series later today, but in light of what Scott Podsednik did last night, I felt it was my civic duty to show you how hot his girlfriend is. Tough life for this guy.

Finally, as if I didn't have enough fantasy teams, I give you the fantasy league to end all fantasy leagues (no, not the Martha Stewart crap I threw up awhile back). Early money is on Butt as 2006 Champ.

The Rise and Fall of Kid Dynamite

Last weekend, ESPN Classic aired (several times) an episode of Ringside which took a six-hour look at the rise of Michael Gerard Tyson, aka Iron Mike, Kid Dynamite, The Accused, Prisoner Number 922335, etc. I TiVoed it and managed to watch all six hours in bits and pieces this week, finishing it up this morning before work. I'm not the most fervent of boxing fanatics, by any means, but you didn't have to be in the 1980's to be instinctively drawn to the awesome power and fearsome menace of Mike Tyson.

The kid seemed unstoppable, and to watch him prey on helpless victims in the ring was a one-to-one parallel to witness gladiatorial combat. You'd see some undefeated but unproven boxer enter the ring with Tyson, and each opponent was a different storyline towards the inevitable knockout. You'd see the foolhardy aggressors, coming right at him and lunging into a knockout uppercut; you'd see the frightened defenders, trying in vain just to make it through a few rounds by dodging and weaving until a Tyson flurry left them defenseless; and you'd see the big white stiffs, taking punches no man has a right to, bleeding profusely, and eventually succumbing. They came in all shapes, sizes, and colors, and they pretty much all left on a gurney.

Watching Tyson fight was, much like I'd imagine watching gladiators fight to the death, a guilty pleasure. There was a tension because you just knew he was going to bludgeon the other guy, you just didn't know when. You sit waiting, sometimes for rounds at a time . . . and sometimes for 45 seconds. And then it would happen, and the other boxer would fall over, and that's when the guilt sets in. Because man, it's just not ethical putting a mortal man in the ring with that monster. Guys' eyes would be rolled up in their head, or noses would be visibly busted, or blood would be gushing, or lumps would swelling to grotesque proportions. They'd be disoriented to the point where corner men would have to tell them they'd lost the fight. Referees would have to TKO them with that sad hug, saving them from life-threatening injury because the man's brains have been so pounded, he's become the person least responsible for his own personal safety at that moment. It's all so pathetic, and that's when you get the flash of how grisly, barbaric, and seemingly archaic the caveman sport of boxing is. For anywhere between 39 seconds and 12 rounds, it could be a display of athleticism, discipline, strength, stamina, conditioning, and craft; for a few moments after a Tyson fight was over, it was just a bully brutally and mercilessly picking on some poor sap.

Classic interspersed a paneled discussion between airing the Tyson bouts, one which featured resident ESPN boxing guy Brian Kenny, pugilism journalist Bert Sugar, former Tyson trainer and current analyst Teddy Atlas, and, in some parts, Larry Holmes. They provide great commentary (most notably the former three; I just remember Holmes blaming his KO by Tyson solely on his hand getting caught in the ropes -- Larry, you were old and got thumped) on the history behind the quick ascension of the phenomenon of Mike Tyson, and they set the stage for his downfall.

The story of Tyson is the stuff of cinema -- even better than the usual film plots, actually. As time has worn on, the natural progression of how folks feel about Mike Tyson has been from rooting for this amazing kid to make it to the top to rooting against him once he was there (and his outside-the-ring issues became more apparent) to rooting for him to come back in a return to glory to mocking him like the irrelevant sideshow geek he's become, and pitying him -- not for his failures, because not everyone reaches the mountaintop he climbed, but for the failures of others in his formative years to create anything less than a time bomb in Everlast shorts.

Anyway, the show culminated with the Buster Douglas fight. The commentators set the stage with discussions about how Tyson was on autopilot about that time -- and how he'd gotten rid of the key players in his corner who had any ties to Cus D'Amato's legacy and replaced them with Don King's suck-ups and his own parasites. His conditioning had become suspect, and he'd truly never been tested. But nobody nowhere nohow saw James "Buster" Douglas as the man to take him down. In fact, few to none of the major sports media even sent people to cover the Tokyo bout. And it's amazing to hear the announcers talk early on about how Douglas probably just wanted to make it through the first round.

And then it happened. Douglas fought the perfect fight, and Tyson was unbelievably unimpressive. This fight alone was worth sitting through the long show, and you end up almost as stunned as the frenzied announcers -- who had thought they were in for another dog of a match whose only redeeming quality was netting them a free trip to Japan, but found out they were able to be ringside for one of the greatest upsets in modern sport. The fight also separates itself from trite boxing cinema. Rocky always fell behind early and rallied late, but the better tale was Douglas, in command from the first round but appearing to falter and fade, only to rally with an energy the boxer never displayed before or since. The backstory, the Cinderella story -- it's all there.

If they happen to re-air this edition of the Ringside on Tyson, it's worth checking out -- even if, like me, boxing is only an occasional guilty pleasure. Mike Tyson's heyday -- the five years upon which these six hours focus -- is still the intense can't-look-away draw it was back then.

Lavar seems to have the free time...

Can't we get another classic outta him before he leaves town? My gift to you this morning is the greatest commercial ever made (starring Lavar and several other NBA and NFL stars). I saw it three times last night, and I can't get it out of my head, so I wanted you all to enjoy it this morning as well...click on the link that says "The Easterns commercial everyone is talking about!" (and sing along if you'd like):

At Eastern Motors
your job's your credit.
At Eastern Motors
your job's your credit.

Ford, Hondas, Chevy, Beamers,
and minivans.
Over 600 cars, trucks, SUVs,
are you listening man?

Let Eastern Motors
put you in a car today.
Let Eastern Motors
Finance it all the way

I'm not making this up. This is a real email address from an SI article. The man has a few days off, why don't you shoot him an email (and please Bcc me on it). Hell, I already sent him the link to Gheorghe...OzzieGuillen13@ hotmail.com

Yes, the NHL is back, and Jerry [last name withheld by request] seems very excited about it...and I'm sure there is a group of diehard fans also excited about it. You would think the players would be psyched too, since you know, they're finally earning paychecks and stuff, but it looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the negotiating table.

If you haven't seen the Steve Nash - Ali G commercial on TNT for the upcoming NBA season, in which Ali G congratulates Nash for winning the "MP3" award last year, go home, fight through an episode of Alias and 4 straight Law and Orders, and wait for it. It's well worth it. "No disrespect to you as a Canadian, but you don't even speak English, so shut up."

Finally, a museum in Philadelphia has a display of an actual human corpse playing basketball...(which way is he gonna go with this)...Allan Houston behind Door #1...Jason Collier behind Door #2...wait for it...It's good to see Eddy Curry getting some reps in...(or as Swint called him the other day, "Hank Gathers" - now that was audible work laughter)

Cheezborger, Cheezborger, Cheezborger...

No fries, cheeps! No Pepsi, Coke!

So finally, after months of speculation and hype (including a faux grand opening weeks ago), the Billy Goat Tavern has opened in the basement of my building, and needless to say, the date of my first heart attack has been moved up 10 years. For those of you who don't remember the classic Saturday Night Live skit referenced above, the Billy Goat is a Chicago dining institution made internationally famous by the repeated skits in the early years of SNL...and of course the fact that it is the home of the Billy Goat Curse, otherwise known as the Cubs Curse (maybe nowadays known as the Bartman Curse?). They've brought in some of the classic Chicago guys to berate you for the first few weeks of the DC operation, and this is an open invitation to join me downstairs for a cheezborger, cheeps and a Pepsi...Whitney, see you at noon?

"It's Friday, doublecheez for everybody! It's payday! Triplecheez for the big guy!"
*****
The NBA finally released their "dress code", and the general theme is business casual attire whenever participating in team or league activities. OK, whatever, that's the boring part. The entertaining part is the excluded items on the list. Look at this list, and tell me what the hell Rasheed Wallace is going to do? The guy is gonna end up being naked...

The following is a list of items that players are not allowed to wear while on team or league business:
• Sleeveless shirts.
• Shorts.
• T-shirts, jerseys, or sports apparel (unless appropriate for the event (e.g., a basketball clinic), team-identified, and approved by the team).
• Headgear of any kind while a player is sitting on the bench or in the stands at a game, during media interviews, or during a team or league event or appearance (unless appropriate for the event or appearance, team-identified, and approved by the team).
• Chains, pendants, or medallions worn over the player's clothes.
• Sunglasses while indoors.
• Headphones (other than on the team bus or plane, or in the team locker room).
*****
Ah yes, I have hated this guy ever since Jerry and I saw him play in a high school tournament at the MCI Center, and I couldn't be happier he is in trouble. I give you vastly overrated Denver Nuggets rookie Julius Hodge, accused of sexual assault by a 37 year old woman (Hodge is 21 by the way). Though details seem to be hazy, that won't stop me from giving you these two nuggets (pun intended, I guess...McBad) - the woman was aware he was an NBA baller, and expected him to "wine and dine" her (what, not "69er"?) AND his lawyer was quick to add "This is not Kobe Bryant." We'll see about that...
*****
GTB's Website of the Day: TomKat is going to be pissed...

Ahh, I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Sunday, too...

Well, it's Saturday, and it looks like you're going to get my usual rambling weekday post today instead. The plan had been for me to go to work around noon, making sure I am home for the stunning Notre Dame upset of USC, but the complete lack of parking around my building prevented that. Apparently, today is the 10th anniversary of the Million Man March (I seem to remember that number being disputed, but why let the facts get in the way, right?), and that means I drove around my building for 20 minutes looking for a spot, almost killing several families of 12 who don't know how a fucking crosswalk works. Anyhoo...it's not exactly the Jerry SportsZone, but I have my two TVs on right now and am watching some hot Big Ten action (hell, I even have my glasses on so I can see the bottom line). The Battle for Paul Bunyan's Axe Body Spray on the top TV, the Ohio State/Michigan State game on the bottom TV. I just realized Musberger's doing the OSU game, so I'm switching game placement...one sec...

VH1 never ceases to amaze me. The home of the Surreal Life and Breaking Bonaduce is all set to unveil their newest reality show, "But Can They Sing?" I don't even need a joke here, just look at the list of celebrities competing:
Larry Holmes (I'm sure braindead people are great singers)
Morgan Fairchild (Is Old Navy gonna be upset by this?)
Joe Pantaliano (Joey Pants must have huge alimony payments or something)
Bai Ling (who???)
Antonio Sabato, Jr. (What a hunk)
Michael Copon (who????)
Kim Alexis (some model chick)
Carmine Gotti (one of the idiot Gotti kids from "Growing Up Gotti")
Myrka Dellanos (the Latino Nancy O'Dell)

By the way, forgive me if there are massive typos. I am not a very good typer to begin with, but put me on a laptop with no mouse and it's an absolute disaster. I am attempting to go back and spell check, grammar check, etc. but bear with me...

The FFMD and her gal pal are off at the zoo right now, surely enjoying the monkeys throwing their poop at each other. I am serving as the sports update line for Alabama/Ole Miss (I just realized that game is on CBS...yep, I'm an idiot), and let's just say that my Ole Miss defense is looking money. Go Ed Orgeron. Speaking of the FFMD, she just returned from her annual conference in San Antonio, where she got to meet and small talk with Colin Powell, Jo Dee Messina (who I bet would've given a better effort in Game 5 than super choker Mike Mussina, a pansy just as much to blame for that loss as whipping boy Alex Rodriguez) and Martin Short (who apprently still does Three Amigos bits in his routine) . That trio simply destroys my Dr. Phil/Glenn Frey/Malcolm Gladwell triumvirate.

You would think the Vatican has more important things to worry about...a Jesuit magazine close to the Vatican has condemned boxing as a "legalized form of attempted murder." Why doesn't the Pope worry about priests playing hide the salami with their alter boys instead of meatheads punching each other for 3 minutes at a time? (I will now stop trying to talk about things other than sports or pop culture)

Ohio State knows they have a game today right? They're already down 10-0 at home...and Dennis' 1st round pick Ted Ginn Jr. is a complete waste of life. (UPDATE: Ohio State obviously heard me - it took two minutes since I posted this for them to score)

You gotta hand it to the British, they really know how to spice up their night life...

Whoa, I was sleeping on my remote duties...looks like we've added Northwestern/Purdue, Miami/Temple (ahl), Wake Forest/Boston College (in a driving rainstorm Wake is already up 17-0...Earls and Heath are doing the dance of joy) and Michelle Wie at -6 to my viewing schedule...

Though Greg has returned from Down Under, I'd like to think this is the legacy he left behind...I can just picture Greg at the terminal in Broome International breaking hearts left and right with the TALK key...

All right, I'm off to Quizno's for a delicious and nutritious meatball sub. After I devour that, I'm working in the comments section for the rest of the afternoon. Go Irish!

I deal with the god damn customers...

A quick attempt before the day runs amok again...Mixed with all the real real work I have to do in the next 9 business days, I now have to rewrite my own PDQ (POSITION DESCRIPTION QUESTIONNAIRE for the acronym-challenged). I am finding this to be an interesting exercise, as I seem to be in position to define what my job is now and should be in the future, and what compensation I should receive should I reach the goals outlined in the PDQ (and by the way, this exercise reminded me that I have known Whitney for many years, and he has not yet been able to tell me what he actually does at work). It seems to me I can set the bar wherever I want, and just use vague, generic business terms in the descriptions, so that no matter what I do in the next 12 months I am golden. Here's an example...

Decisions: Identify internal and external venues for marketing Research products and services. Identify new product and client opportunities. Develop appropriate measures for monitoring advertising/marketing effectiveness.

"I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people. Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?"

GTB's Hollywood Half-Minute...Sly Stallone is a go for Rocky 6 (Rocky meets Cocoon?), Wes Craven turned down Scream 4 (What, he's too busy with People Under the Stairs 2?), I have no clue who the new Bond guy is (Daniel Craig? Wasn't he the goalie on the 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team?) and last but not least, the Govnah of Caleeefornia is ready to do Terminator 4 and True Lies 2 (In between doing governor stuff I guess).

Afternoon Update: OK, so Glenn Frey and Dr. Phil appearing at our Annual Conference didn't really excite me (or any of my readers apparently), but today I realized there will be one speaker in San Fran who I might actually want to see. That man is Malcolm Gladwell, the writer for The New Yorker who penned The Tipping Point and Blink, two books I have heard very good things about. Hell, maybe I'll even go buy Blink (don't get ahead of yourselves, I said buy it, never said I would or could read it).

Oh yeah, I haven't mentioned this yet, but in regards to the Angels/White Sox "fiasco" last night, when the ball is anywhere near the dirt, the catcher should always just tag the runner to be safe (especially since Pierzynski didn't run right away). Josh Paul does that, and we're not talking about this for the next week.

I couldn't make this up if I tried...I think these people need to get out more...
BOOM REGGIE MILLER!

Season Tickets

As much as I would love to take some digs at Rob and his Red Sox, work is simply killing me this week. We head to San Francisco in less than two weeks for our Annual Conference, and apparently it's time to do all the work for the last 12 months in the next 2 weeks (all I can say about this upcoming conference is that Dr. Phil is a keynoter and the musical entertainment is Glenn Frey...exciting...). Genius planning if I may say so. By Friday perhaps I can assess the Yankees piss poor effort in Game 5, Seagal's new energy drink (Swint, I hope you're scouting retail locations), Vinny and the Jets, the revival of GTB's Weekly Wiz Watch (and subsequent playoff bet with Whit) and most importantly the impending Notre Dame upset of USC (that's right, I'm drinking the Weis kool aid - ND 35, USC 34).

By the way, I just got clocked in the face by a door. Great day all around.

Hey, TeeJay

You and A-Rod had the same number of RBI in the ALDS. I think you should be MVP. Discuss.

Take off, you hoser

Pedro Gomez might've been the first to employ this sort of stalker journalism, but it looks like he won't be the last (by the way, did anyone else notice that Bob Holtzman replaced Gomez at the end of the year on the "Bonds Beat"? I am thinking Barry killed Gomez in the Giants training facility a la De Niro to Benicio Del Toro in "The Fan"). Some young lady working for the The Globe and Mail in Toronto (seriously, that's the name of your newspaper?) will be trailing rookie sensation Sidney Crosby all season long (her name is actually Shawna Richer, but who cares really). Get ready for exciting tales of Sidney leaving the toilet seat up and babysitting Super Mario's kids (he apparently lives in Lemieux's basement). Canadians...very easily entertained.

You know, I could've jokingly guessed 69 answers to this question, and never come up with this response:
"I just want to be a professional fisherman, and that's about it."
- Allen Iverson, being asked if he had any career plans after basketball

Here's hoping rain holds off in Boston and New York today...some slightly important ballgames need to be played. Whitney is crazy - I simply cannot see the Red Sox getting swept today, because, if I may drop a cliche here, they play their best ball with their backs against the wall. Proof needed? Just look at the last two years. In 2003, they were down 0-2 to Oakland, and won 3 straight to take the series. Last year, down 0-3 to the Yankees, we all know what happened there, really no need to rehash that debacle. Tim Wakefield, today's Game 3 starter, was 10-4 at home this year, with a respectable 4.08 ERA. Game 4 starter Curt Schilling, though I hate him very much, has a strong history of stepping up in big situations. The Red Sox mash the ball at home, scoring 470 runs in Fenway (second only to the Yankees home total of 477) - it's no fluke they were 54-27 at home this year (the best home record in MLB by the way). All signs point to a return trip to Chicago for Game 5 Sunday. HOWEVAH, if it turns out Whitney was right about this, and I was wrong, oh well, I hate the Red Sox anyway (and yes, I haven't written a word about the Yankees game tonight because I was going to bash Paul Byrd, and frankly, I know that would come back to haunt me).

The Houston Astros must really hate Roger Clemens. Hahaha. Wink wink. That's the comical angle morons on talk radio were saying this morning (Colin Cowherd, you are killing me man). Let's be real people. The Astros had one decent lefty bat in the lineup last night in Lance Berkman (Orlando "Please don't ever associate me with Raffy" Palmeiro does not count) against an absolutely dominant righthanded postseason pitcher - what would you expect to happen? Maybe the Astros do hate Clemens, but they didn't intentionally suck at the plate to stick it to him. John Smoltz is a beast in October (as opposed to Kwame Brown, who told the Washington Post he changed back to #54 because that was his high school number and he's gonna be "The Beast" again). Yes, he's only won 1 World Series, but look at these postseason numbers. Absolutely fantastic (bonus points to Smoltz for being a dead ringer for Ernest P. Worrel aka Jim Varney - "Hey Vern!")...
27 starts, 15-4 record, 2 CG, 2.72 ERA, 194 Ks in 206 IP (throw in 4 saves to boot)

I was just getting ready to send my congrats to the Spears-Federline family, but it looks like this chick beat me to the punch:

We are...

Heading to State College, PA tonight for the Penn State-Ohio State romp in ol' Happy Valley. Should be a show - what with a 7:45 P.M. kickoff and an estimated tailgate arrival of around noon. Not to mention that GameDay will be there riling up the crowd of probably 125,000(look for me tossing the wife up and down amongst the Nittany Lion cheerleaders behind douchebag Corso). Not entirely sure why they're not at UGA-Tennessee game...I'll take it though. I'm guessing Kirk didn't have a say in that one - the PSU ladies aren't quite what the Southern Belles are I'm sure; plus, it's supposed to be 40 degrees and raining in most of the Northeast this weekend...

Go Sox - no, the white kind. No offense to the Sawx fans out there, merely gambling interests here - couldn't resist the odds. Which reminds me, despite the cheese that oozes from Matthew Mcggdosonchdksey, looking forward to Two For The Money - I'm predicting some fantastic Al Pacino one liners..."Gimme all ya got!! Gimme all ya got!!" etc. etc.

Here's hoping the Rally Monkey catches Ebola

The series I care about is tied 1-1 now, headed back to NY. I hope to take a crack at breaking down this series and the other playoff series later on this morning, but it's a big day for me down here at Kramerica. I have my six month review in less than an hour ("You're not really sure what I do here? Have I shown you my blog?") and then I need to present to my Big Boss at 11 ("Hmmm, well, I went with a poop brown color for the collateral piece because, well, it's funny to say poop sir.") After I (hopefully) survive the morning, we have the huge Yahoo Fantasy Hockey "Original Six" draft...and as Jerry pointed out last night, most males my age base all their hockey knowledge on the legendary video game "NHL '94". My team should be an unmitigated disaster. I hope to be back in the afternoon, bashing A-Rod for his TJ-esque manning of 3B and telling you, the loyal reader, why Whitney is totally wrong in predicting a sweep for the Pale Hose in Boston. Until then, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.
*****
One nugget this morning...Does Kyle Orton think he's Paul Crewe? Apparently Bears QB Kyle Orton posed for photo on his bye week...a photo of Orton grinning and making an obscene gesture next to a bottle of whiskey. Now, I have been feverishly searching the internet for said photo, but with no luck. Any help would be greatly appreciated. What I did find HOWEVAH is an astounding amount of message board chatter that Orton is a RAGING alcoholic. Ah whatever, Kerry Collins made a Conference Final all sauced up, so why not Orton.
*****
In case you were still despondent over the break up of the Lacheys (Hey Nick, sorry you're not famous anymore dude), I have good news for you. That happy made-up couple TomKat has announced they're pregnant (immaculate conception anyone?). I wonder how much that added to her contract? Anyway, if you were wondering what Ethan Hunt and Joey Potter's baby would look like, Conan O'Brien did the hard work for us, and I must say, this baby is breathtaking.

Jed, we caught ourselves a snake...

Jake Plummer could be subject to an NFL fine for refusing to wear a "Futbol Americano" decal this weekend. Gotta love Jake. Plummer was threatened with a $30,000 fine last season for wearing a helmet decal honoring his former teammate, the late Pat Tillman.

Is the NFL approaching Microsoft/Gordon Gecho status?

"You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee."

"Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation."
"And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy."

CBS 3 STAFFERS were reminded of the at-odds characters Ron Burgundy and Veronica Corningstone in "Anchorman" last week when Larry Mendte and Alycia Lane got into a heated exchange on-set following Tuesday's 6 p.m. newscast.

The argument, about the length of time devoted to a news story, started professionally but soon delved into the personal, with sources saying Mendte told Lane she was only there to read off the teleprompter, and she told him that he's on his way out, while she's on her way up. Asked whether it got personal, Mendte said, "If it did or it didn't, it doesn't matter."

He called the fight "a strong, passionate editorial discussion," which he said is "a good thing" because it shows "we're both passionate about what we do." "She has strong opinions and so do I," Mendte said.

"I'm not going to get into anything about that," Lane replied when asked about the mudslinging. "Larry's like my big brother," she said. "If we pull each other's pigtails, that's what it is, but we were over it that night and laughing about it." We know they're speaking at least, as they spoke to each other before returning our calls yesterday, which may explain the similarity in their accounts.
***
In other broadcasting news, apparently Tony Kornheiser and Geoff Butt favorite John Feinstein dropped a wicked expletive while broadcasting the Navy game over the weekend. He tried to resign after the game, but since no one listens to Navy games there weren't many offended listeners. My question, what the hell did he say? Something that would make George Carlin blush?

NFL Question: Didn't there used to be a huge deal made of coaches who scripted their first 15 plays and then would not deviate from them as the game began? Wasn't Mike Shanahan one of those donkeys? Do they still do that, and Madden and Co. just got sick of fellating them for it?

Well, that didn't take long...As if Human Vacuum Kate Moss wasn't already having a rough time, it looks like her late night escapades are affecting the lexicon across the pond. Moss' name has become slang for cocaine in London - apparently you can hear partygoers asking "Have you got any Kate Moss on you?" or "Coming for a quick Kate Moss?" NYC supporters of Tony Montana are said to be jealous.

A moment of silence please - Comic genius and butt of late night jokes Nipsey Russell has died at the age of 80. Apparently know as "the poet laureate of television", I think we all best know Nipsey as the star of Chris Rock's "No Sex (in the Champagne Room)" video. Nipsey, I'm going to miss you, but at least I know you'll live on forever through crappy reruns of "The Match Game".

Now THIS is Must See TV

Today is a holiday in the GTB household...

The O.J. Verdict [WETA, PBS Channel 26, Tuesday, October 4, 9:00pm]
On October 3, 1995, an estimated 150 million people stopped what they were doing to witness the televised verdict of the O.J. Simpson trial. For more than a year, the O.J. saga transfixed the nation and dominated the public imagination. Ten years later, veteran FRONTLINE producer Ofra Bikel (The Plea, Innocence Lost), revisits the "perfect storm" that was the O.J. Simpson trial. Through extensive interviews with the defense, prosecution, and journalists, FRONTLINE explores the dominant role that race played in the most controversial verdict in the history of the American justice system.

(Special thanks to GTB semi-reader and former co-worker MW for this TV Guide tip)

Monday Kudos:
- To the Chicago White Sox, for going into Cleveland and sweeping the Indians, lowering the stress level for Red Sox/Yankees to a bearable level. The White Sox haven't won a playoff series since 1917...I'd say they're due. If I were the Red Sox, I would be a tad concerned about the Pale Hose pulling a "2004 Red Sox" on them.
- To Charlie Weis, who has taken virtually the same group of players that Ty Willingham had and turning them into a BCS Bowl contender. Weis has two weeks to prepare for USC, and if he is anything like his old boss, I sense the Irish are gonna give USC quite a scare. [The fellas at Blue-Gray Sky break it down better than even Dr. Jack could]
- To Arizona kicker Neil Rackers, who went bonkers and made 6 field goals last night in the Mexico City Bowl. His valiant effort might even get me a W in the Big Boy League.
- To Brooks Bollinger, for surviving Sunday's game. Sure, the Jets lost 13-3, and gained only 152 yards of total offense, but at least Bollinger didn't die. And hey, he sure looked better than J.P. Losman.
- To ESPN college analyst Mark May, for his pot shot at West Virginia. As a Pitt player, the coaches told him not to take off his helmet because the fans "throw frozen fruit, they throw batteries and they throw pennies. The reason they throw pennies is because they can't afford nickels."
- To Geoff Butt and all those other Redskins fans out there, who look like they finally have a (potential) playoff team to root for. Hopefully Butt sent Josh Brown a fruit basket this morning. [UPDATE: Looks like reserved optimism from Mr. Butt]
- To the Commodore for engineering a fantastic pseudo-bachelor party Saturday. I'm betting his solid efforts leave much of this blogosphere braindead and dragging today.

O'Simspon Rules

Allright, I'd like to give you more (meaning cut and paste shit off Drudge), but I think I am going to die, thanks to a lovely evening with the FFMD, the human drinking machine Geoff Butt (I have no idea how he is going to be able to do his picks) and the lovely young lady who hangs out with Butt but doesn't like the nickname I previously gave her so make up a new nickname please...what I have is a follow-up to yesterday's Padres post...I know, less people watch "Still Standing" than read this thing, but whatever, this just epitomizes the donkey 2005 Padres:

Robert Fick took celebrating to a new level Wednesday night, all the way down to the aviator-style goggles he wore to protect himself against the sting of champagne. Fick doused everyone he could find, although he might have stepped over the line when he poured a bottle of very expensive tequila over manager Bruce Bochy's head. Tequila is flammable. And the manager felt a burning sensation when it got in his eyes. "I thought he threw acid on me," said Bochy, who steered clear of anyone lighting up a celebratory cigar.

Oh yeah, I am still afraid to jinx the AL Playoffs, so I won't mention that the Yankees are 1 up with 3 to play (in Boston), and I will certainly forget to watch the 3 most important regular season baseball games in 30 years (man, people that hate the Red Sox and Yankees have a good point don't they?). I need some Advil...(for the hangover, not for the baseball series...we all know the Yankees have this one in the bag...)

You stay classy, San Diego...***

Trust me, this is in no way a post about the National League Playoffs. HOWEVAH, the trifling San Diego Padres did clinch a playoff birth last night, giving me the rare opportunity to beat Anchorman lines into the ground. I was gonna go with "I'm Ron Burgundy, go fuck yourself, San Diego" but decided not to work blue (for once). You never know if Gracie's kids are secretly visiting this blogosphere (though I would assume Lukewarm Action would be their first stop). Moving on, the Padres (just 79-79) are poised to enter the playoffs with the fewest wins of a division champion EVAH, but, according to some donkey on the radio (does it count as "value-added" if it's regurgitated info?), the team they are bumping from that distinction, the 1973 New York Mets (82-79), made the World Series, for what it's worth (for all you country music fans, the closer on that team was Tim McGraw's daddy).

Congrats as well to the Cardinals and Braves for clinching playoff berths. I look forward to an early exit from either one or both of those teams (I'm telling you, that Cardinals pitching staff is completely exhausted - Chris Carpenter, 17 ER in his last 15.2 IP, and we all know the Braves history)...hold on, when did this become a post about the NL Playoffs?

I'm almost afraid to discuss the three-horse race for the AL East and AL Wild Card, in fear of jinxing my team's hopes. Perhaps today's fancy lunch (and subsequent libations) will loosen me up enough to bash the Red Sox and Indians and praise the Yankees (I am wearing my Yankees tie today, which I'm sure makes Butt cringe). Who knows, we'll just have to see. One AL Playoff note - It looks like the White Sox will clinch their berth tonight or tomorrow, and frankly, that's a real shame, because we were sure to get a historic meltdown from manager Ozzie Guillen...something Hal McRae-esque for sure. There is a slight chance we see the Ozzie Meltdown in the playoffs, but it might take Chicago blowing a 3-0 lead in the ALCS or something, and we all know no team is gonna blow a 3-0 lead in the ALCS (wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more).

***It should be noted I just heard Mike and Mike use this quote on their show, and that is horseshit, because I've been hammering away at this keyboard (4 fingers at a time) long before they tried to be all hip and funny and ruin my title line.

Afternoon Update: The White Sox just clinched. Ms. Lippy's car is green. And I have indigestion.

Lav Coles really misses you...

Herm Edwards: "YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!"
Coach Gibbs: "Hello?? Herm, is that you?"
Herm Edwards: "HOW THE JETS WIN!"
Coach Gibbs: "Herm, why are you calling me at 3:30am?"
Herm Edwards: "P-RAM, P-RAM, P-RAM..."
****
Chad Pennington has a torn right rotator cuff. His season is most definitely over. His career might be over (thought I certainly hope that isn't the case). Backup Jay Fiedler is hurting (in more ways than one), so he's out this week as well. Brooks Bollinger will be starting this week in Baltimore against crazed murderer Ray Lewis and Co. Bad times my friends. Bad times. The 2005 New York Jets season might already be over (it's not even October yet), and that is god damn depressing. Go get 'em Brooks!
UPDATE: All righty then - looks like Jay Fiedler is also out for the rest of the year. The Jets are apparently bringing in six to nine QBs today for tryouts. Some of the donekys on the list:
-- Former Giant (and hunky Bachelor) Jesse Palmer
-- Former Falcon Doug Johnson (and Doug Davies' least favorite player ever)
-- Former Miami Hurricane Brock Berlin (excellent, the Brooks and Brock Show)
-- The corpse of Vinny Testaverde
****
Question: Didn't I already see this movie "A History of Violence", starring Viggo Mortensen? Yep, I'm pretty sure I did - it was called "The Long Kiss Goodnight", and starred Geena Davis in the Viggo role (and Sam Jackson).

****

The next time I am bitching about all the important work I do down here at Kramerica, someone remind me I just spent 120 seconds of my day ON THIS.

Cashing In on the New Blogtrend

Okay, so apparently this is the week for football picks around the blogosphere. Gheorghe usually strays away from whatever is "trendy," "cool," "interesting," or "comprehensible," but I'm feeling the vibe.

My picks, much like those of the lasses at MLT and EM, aren't based on actual thought about the games. Butt and Jeppy have covered that way too well, as their records don't indicate. My angle: in which city have I gotten more outlandishly intoxicated? I'm as eager as anyone to see these results. here goes:

Atlanta (+3) @ Buffalo - In Atlanta, I got loaded enough to pose as Chris Chandler and sign autographs and get free beers in a bar called Atkins Park. Nice football-related drunk. Never been to Buffalo, though some say I look like Frank Reich, so maybe I should. Easy win. FALCONS.

Carolina (-3.5) @ Miami - I've had a few drunken nights in Miami, but the Outer Banks Fishing Trip is in Carolina. Enough said. Exposing myself in a bar and placing a certain something on someone's hat gets the nod. Charlotte is a drag, but they called this team the Carolina Panthers to get the state-wide pull. PANTHERS.

Cincinnati (-3) @ Chicago - Got too drunk partying in Wrigleyville after a Cubs game and I was three hours late for work on a regional trip. The people in the office said they had almost called the police until I showed up. Then they almost called an ambulance. BEARS.

Dallas (-6.5) @ San Francisco - The only two times my Division Chief has seen me knee-walking drunk were during consecutive years' visits to our office there. Headed there next Wednesday for three nights, minus the Chief. Katy bar the city gates. 49ERS.

Cleveland (+13.5) @ Indianapolis - Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Museum Inaugural Concert, 1995. Boozing in The Flats all day, passed out standing up during the Allman Brothers. Slept in my car somewhere on the side of the highway. Never made it to the museum. BROWNS.

New Orleans (+3.5) @ Minnesota - Oh, my. Landslide pick of the week. True Fact: I am "literally" still hung over from JazzFest in April. Actual True Fact: Last week a bartender from Igor's in N.O. called me out of the blue (twice, drunk) to say the bar is still standing and the staff are all okay. He figured I was concerned. He was right. SAINTS.

Jacksonville (+3) @ NY Jets - Jacksonville could get some Daytona points, where I almost swam across the Intracoastal Waterway (one-armed sidestroke, with my wallet held above my head) to meet a stripper back at my hotel pool. But New York is New York, and even just a pair of Santa Stumbles would take it over the top. JETS.

Oakland (+7.5) @ Philadelphia - McGillin's. Since 1860. Blurry. A lot of falling down. In the rain. In puddles. In work clothes. EAGLES.

New England (+3) @ Pittsburgh - The marquee match-up of the week. Cape Cod, two summers of drunk and disorderly among the Smails of the world. Had a bad habit of passing out ON people in mid-sentence. Kicked out of bars for being too drunk before I could order a drink. Brewed my own beer, drank it, barfed it. AND YET -- Pittsburgh, 1995, staying with a friend's brother in a Pitt Seminary School dorm. Vomited all over the dorm lobby, and while he had to clean it, stumbled into some random person's room and passed out. Campus-wide search goes on for me for most of the night. I wake up in some horror movie and see boy scout uniforms tacked to the wall amid odd paintings of Jesus. Stumble across the hall where the group is, they're relieved/pissed. Find out the kid whose room I invaded is out of town, hence the lack of backdoor soreness. Just 12 hours spent in steel town, but prolific asininity. STEELERS.

NY Giants (+5.5) @San Diego - Ordered a round of buttery nipples for an entire bar in S.D., brilliantly, but again, I have a consistent New York track record. A bartender in Doc Holliday's grabbed the hair on top of my head (I had some then), yanked my head back, and poured liquor down my throat. I heart NY. GIANTS.

Arizona (+6.5) @ Seattle - Never been to either place. I'm betting I'd get more obnoxiously drunk in Seattle, what with all the rain. SEAHAWKS.

Tennessee (+6.5) @ St. Louis - Crap game. Got loaded in Memphis and Nashville, blah blah blah. So did Elvis. TITANS.

Tampa Bay (-3.5) @ Green Bay - Got hammered at a good friend's rehearsal dinner in Clearwater, just outside of Tampa. During the toasts, some big fat sixtysomething who was sitting across the way at Table 8 stood up and issued the edict that every couple deserves a limerick, so he delivered one that he'd written. Except that he got to the last line and completely forgot it. (In case you don't remember, a limerick IS the last line, for all intents and purposes. ) It was hilariously awkward as he stood there in agony, wishing the line would come to him. It never did, and when he sat down in great embarrassment, I stood right up and just started in with no intro:

Stew and Christine are great
Some would even say it's fate
It's great to be in Clearwater
But I think that I oughter
Acknowledge the drunk at Table 8.

Sat down and finished my cocktail. Later on in the evening, as I was engineering things out of control, the bride's cousins indicated I'd better cool down or they were going to take me outside for a beating. I pretended they were kidding and laughed as if I'd never heard something so funny. The next day I was late to the wedding and was later accused of setting off a fire alarm in the night. Groomsman of the Year. BUCS.

Kansas City (+3) @ Denver - Colorado Air has a huge advantage. I remember trying to start a bulldozer, swinging a samurai sword, breaking a friend's golf club, and giving the worst toast I've ever delivered, which happened to be the worst toast in the world. BRONCOS.

Bad week to have Washington and Baltimore on a bye. Would have been easy picks. Anyway, it's time to go across the street, so have a good weekend, people.

Third times a charm

For only the third time this year, the New York Yankees are in 1st place in the AL East (and, in fact, they are now in 1st place in the Wild Card race as well). Twelve days ago the Yankees were 4 games out (having just lost to Boston)...now they have a half game lead with 11 games to play (the Red Sox have 10 games left). Kudos to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays - after treating NY like their bitches for much of the year, the Devil Rays have now kicked Boston in the nuts as well (quick aside - why in the hell would any manager pitch to David Ortiz late in a game? Ever? that guy is a fucking beast). Well done Sweet Lou (who can't get out of town fast enough - no doubt he gets tossed in the 1st inning of the last game of the year and disappears like Sosa into the night). Randy Johnson finally looked good last night, that line-up is scoring runs at will, and Mo Rivera is the hammer. I like what I'm seeing (and if you think I'm totally ignoring the AL Central race, I am - I can't even discuss what is going on with the Indians and White Sox - perhaps Jay Mariotti can help us out). Enough from me...I am sure Rob will have a more comprehensive and better written take on this at MLC (who am I, Rome?)...it's just too bad he roots for the wrong team.

-Anxiously awaiting September 30 - October 2, 2005
***
It also needs to be mentioned that today is GTB contributor and MLC co-founder Whitney Ricard's birthday (they even opened the Dubliner early today for the birthday boy). He and his wife will be celebrating tonight with some wine, frozen yogurt and a whole meal of food.

You know, I'm a rather brilliant surgeon...Perhaps I can help you with that hump...

What hump?

It's a lovely humpday here at GTB...

Barry Bonds, you just don't know when to quit do you? The balloon-headed wonder feels we should all contribute more money to Katrina victims and spend less time wondering when exactly he started taking performance enhancing drugs (a chilled Bonds '86 anyone?)? Can we please get a VH1 reality show with Raffy and Barry visiting a different town each week, lying through their teeth while taking batting practice with local youths? Good work Nats fans too for booing that arrogant fuck...

Not good for the Nats, though, is their playoff outlook. Yep, that is indeed a giant fork sticking out of Joey Eischen's back. As if their struggles weren't bad enough, apparently we have some issues in the Nats locker room...
The Washington Nationals suspended a volunteer chaplain and distributed an apology from outfielder Ryan Church yesterday, two days after Church was quoted in a front-page Post article as suggesting that Jews are headed for eternal damnation.
You'd think the guy named Church would avoid stuff like this. I seriously cannot believe Frank Robinson's head hasn't exploded yet.

And for anyone out there looking for a career change, how would you like to JOIN THE MOST ELECTRIFYING COMPANY IN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY TODAY!

Too much of a good thing? NEVER. Keep it coming VH1...I know Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious have their fingers crossed for Season 7...
NEW YORK, Sept. 20 -- Here's the story of seven celebrities who are moving on up to a de-luxe mansion in the Hollywood hills into television's most incredibly 'surreal' viewing experience. The mammoth sixth season cast of VH1's ratings juggernaut "The Surreal Life" includes the man who's band made Shrek rock, STEVE HARWELL of Smashmouth; the actor who made George Jefferson more famous than that other Jefferson, SHERMAN HEMSLEY; the original video vixen, TAWNY KITAEN; the wildest rock and roll axeman ever, C.C. DEVILLE from Poison; Playboy TV's covergirl, ANDREA LOWELL; and the XX and XY of the Arquette family, ALEXIS ARQUETTE.
And this season, SPECIAL GUEST STAR FLORENCE HENDERSON joins the show as the cast's full time and on-call therapist/advisor. Yes, America's number one television mom will take this wild bunch under her wing and help them through the strains of reality television.
Who writes these press releases? The guy who DIDN'T get the WWE job? C.C. Deville is the wildest rock and roll axeman ever? Really? And didn't Tawny Kitaen try to kill Chuck Finley last year?

Cue the Chuck Mangione

Wow. Last night, sometime close to 1 AM, when I was holding my fists in the air, yelping with glee, and generally acting like a dancing nancy in front of my television, I realized the benefit of never having let my allegiance to the team waver. Yep, I loathe the owner with all of the venom of any good fan. Sure, I realize the squad is mediocre, having wagered a case of beer on their finishing with 7 or fewer wins this season -- and still feeling safe. But at no point did I even pay lip service to the notion of reducing my 100% all-in fan status, unlike some of my esteemed colleagues. I can't actually say I blamed them, but it really shouldn't be an option. (I learned that during baseball season.) So when last night's win appeared out of nowhere -- and make no mistake, in an otherwise dreary season, a win like that can make the season -- I reveled in the moment like it was 1999. (The last time the Washington Redskins made the playoffs, duh.)

Because the Redskins' last decade has made me a spiteful, bitter shell of my former self, I had begun compiling a list of F-U's to be issued this morning, from the Cowboys [who, as Joe Gibbs said, were treating the Skins like a Homecoming patsy, what with retiring the numbers of "The Triplets" (appropriately candy-assed moniker) at halftime] to Madden & Michaels for their one-sided telecast for 56 minutes, to the legion of columnists and reporters who mocked the Ramsey/Brunell exchange and treated Coach Gibbs like he was a confused old man who belonged somewhere other than a football sideline. I had ill will for all of these people, but then I remembered that up until the last four glorious minutes of ball last night, they were right. So I pocketed my nastiness and decided to simply smile about the outcome.

And I'll be doing that all day.

How The Jets Win

In case you missed Herm Edwards the other day, he has decided his football team needs to stick to basics, or else they will get pummeled much like last week at KC. How does Herm plan to stick to the basics? Why with a sheet of paper labeled "How The Jets Win" of course. Read up boys, and hope Nick Saban doesn't get a hold of these gems:
*Smart/fast/physical.
*Run the ball/stop the run.
*Protect the ball/take it away.
*Solid special teams/no foolish fouls.
*****
How about those Washington Nationals? Just when I had given them up for dead and accepted the fact I was buying Whitney a case of beer, they go and sweep Whit's Mets and position themselves to (possibly) squeak into the playoffs. Starting relievers two days in a row certainly doesn't cry peak performance, but hell, they're hanging around, 2.5 back in the Wild Card standings (3 back in the Loss column). If they can go to San Diego and take 2 of 3, they are in prime shape to steal the WC in the final weekend (when they get Philly at home, and it's well documented the entire world hates Philadelphia). Got Wilk?
*****
Has it occurred to anyone else that Curt Schilling and Keith Foulke might've signed the same boilerplate agreement with Satan as Kurt Warner once did (and to a lesser degree Voshon Leonard)? I realize Red Sox fans can die happy now, but it sure seems to me like those two guys will never be the same again...and I guess to Boston fans it doesn't really matter...and of course in two weeks time as Schilling and Foulke dominate the Yankees to keep them out of the playoffs this will seem like an absurd paragraph, but what the hell, just wanted to throw it out there.

What, no happy ending?

Apparently, today is the Health Fair at work (Butt, you came by the Cracker Factory a day late), and my boss just sent me upstairs for a massage. And let me just tell you, that...was...fantastic. However, I now have absolutely no desire to do any work at all. I just want to take a nap. Where's Costanza's carpenter when you need him?
***
As if we needed more proof that he is the weirdest guy on the planet, I give you this Michael Jackson nugget...
Michael Jackson rented out an entire water park in Dubai so children and their parents could have fun for free. The reclusive superstar, now based in the middle east, baffled onlookers at the Wild Wadi park, wearing a white lycra body suit that exposed just his nose and eyes. A lifeguard tells British newspaper the Daily Express, "He looked even stranger than usual. His body is very skinny and lycra does him no favours."

Tuxedo Tom Simspon Checking In

OK, I am indeed back, and I am now a married guy, having wed the FMD in the Outer Banks on Saturday (which I guess makes her the FFMD*). The winds of Ophelia were strong to quite strong, but that didn't prevent the regularly scheduled beach wedding from occurring. Special thanks to the law firm of Simspon, Dennis, Broka, Carlino & Sharkey for their solid work as best-man/grooms-dudes. I'd thank my family for coming as well, but they are about as likely to read GTB as Carrot Top is to win an Oscar. While I'm on the thanking train, credit must go to Arthur Murray, as the FFMD and I took a few cram session lessons so we (who am I kidding, so I) wouldn't embarrass myself on the dance floor (and yes, it cost me one Angry doubleheader, but as you can see, my no glove/no hit approach obviously wasn't needed). Fred and Ginger we ain't, but it went pretty well (meaning I didn't fall down or throw the new wifey into the band set-up). I am pretty sure a good time was had by all, but frankly, that was the fastest week of my life and everything is a complete blur. It's a shame there won't be many photos or video of the event...oh wait, my bad, did you say 7 hours of unedited video? Right...props to Whit for the wedding scenarios below, I got quite a kick out of them while I checked my email on the worst computer ever made in the Dare County Library (I assume Whit made it safely to the Cape and didn't tear his sac jumping fences in restaurant parking lots?). GTB should be back to it's regularly scheduled nonsense by tomorrow - right now I need to sift through 212 emails and voicemails, and most importantly, catch up on the prose at the Wheelhouse, MLC, Hot Action, MLT and Duffman Speaks (just wanted to see if you were paying attention). Seacrest out.

*Kudos to DC reader MH, Esq. for the new acronym (it's Former Future Mrs. D - wordy but effective)

And now I introduce, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas James Simspon!

In a delightful, yet breezy, ceremony in Nags Head, NC, the Senator Tom Simspon of New York was married to Jennifer (danger is her middle name) Wilson. Among featured guests were your humble author, Dennis (who, along with fellow lammie/usher, Derek Broka, performed masterfully at escorting 69% of the female wedding attendants to their seats, including TJ's almost 18-year old unnamed cousin - whoah), one James Freeland, about 25 slightly overweight Alabamans, Satan, the usual slew of uncomfortable Aunts and Uncles, everyone's good friend Ophelia, and Vanilla Ice (whose female stunt double performed at the reception in one of the greatest live renditions of "Ice Ice Baby" ever witnessed - brought the house down).

The entire weekend was a whirlwind affair with a pleasant mixture of responsibility and silliness. We managed to behave as badly as possible amidst the commands of our senior drill instructor/wedding coordinator. The cottage which played host to nearly 20 guests, the welcome dinner, rehearsal/rehearsal dinner, and ceremony was an ideal setting. Complete with a gourmet kitchen for Tom to indulge in his culinary delights and a game room on the bottom floor, which provided the backdrop for 2005's beerpong Comback Players of the Year (keep an eye out for the season on DVD entitled: "3D: Dennis, Derek, Domination".

My complements to all involved - even with backstage passes all seemed well put together - the little touches always tickle me too, like the personalized M&M's, the flip flops that leave an imprint in the sand reading "Just Married", the bite-sized meatball subs as appetizers, etc. Even the foxtrot lessons appeared to have paid off...

So, from GTB, congrats my man.

And there was much rejoycing.

TJ's Wedding Week, Part 2

Today's scenario:

TJ and Jennifer are getting ready to tie the knot at their destination wedding. Unbeknownst to them, an old flame has just realized for the first time that he still has those old feelings and has decided to attend the wedding at the last second and reveal his love, even though he regretted the original invitation. Once he arrives, however, it's clear that this wedding is supposed to happen, and that the happy couple are truly that. He sits quietly in the congregation as the vows are exchanged. Stunningly, however, when it's TJ's turn, he is heard to utter, "I take thee, Swint." The guests are aghast, and the minister turns to Jennifer, asking, "Shall I continue?"

TJ's Wedding Week, Part 1

In honor of Gheorghe workhorse TJ Simspon's wedding next Saturday, we're sending him off with a series of congratulatory posts. In them, we who cannot attend the North Carolina wedding will theorize how the big day is going to go down.

Today's projected scenario:

After engaging in a torrid, illicit affair with his girlfriend's mother over Labor Day weekend, TJ and his bride-to-be are torn apart mid-week. Her parents arrange for her to marry someone else (Dennis in a cameo role) on Saturday, but TJ shows up during the ceremony, bangs on the windows overlooking the church nave, and they run out of the church and into his beat-up, K-car jalopy that he starts with a screwdriver. After a quick hit off a potato, they drive off together.

Chances of this becoming reality: 53% Stay tuned for other possible outcomes.