Cashing In on the New Blogtrend

Okay, so apparently this is the week for football picks around the blogosphere. Gheorghe usually strays away from whatever is "trendy," "cool," "interesting," or "comprehensible," but I'm feeling the vibe.

My picks, much like those of the lasses at MLT and EM, aren't based on actual thought about the games. Butt and Jeppy have covered that way too well, as their records don't indicate. My angle: in which city have I gotten more outlandishly intoxicated? I'm as eager as anyone to see these results. here goes:

Atlanta (+3) @ Buffalo - In Atlanta, I got loaded enough to pose as Chris Chandler and sign autographs and get free beers in a bar called Atkins Park. Nice football-related drunk. Never been to Buffalo, though some say I look like Frank Reich, so maybe I should. Easy win. FALCONS.

Carolina (-3.5) @ Miami - I've had a few drunken nights in Miami, but the Outer Banks Fishing Trip is in Carolina. Enough said. Exposing myself in a bar and placing a certain something on someone's hat gets the nod. Charlotte is a drag, but they called this team the Carolina Panthers to get the state-wide pull. PANTHERS.

Cincinnati (-3) @ Chicago - Got too drunk partying in Wrigleyville after a Cubs game and I was three hours late for work on a regional trip. The people in the office said they had almost called the police until I showed up. Then they almost called an ambulance. BEARS.

Dallas (-6.5) @ San Francisco - The only two times my Division Chief has seen me knee-walking drunk were during consecutive years' visits to our office there. Headed there next Wednesday for three nights, minus the Chief. Katy bar the city gates. 49ERS.

Cleveland (+13.5) @ Indianapolis - Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Museum Inaugural Concert, 1995. Boozing in The Flats all day, passed out standing up during the Allman Brothers. Slept in my car somewhere on the side of the highway. Never made it to the museum. BROWNS.

New Orleans (+3.5) @ Minnesota - Oh, my. Landslide pick of the week. True Fact: I am "literally" still hung over from JazzFest in April. Actual True Fact: Last week a bartender from Igor's in N.O. called me out of the blue (twice, drunk) to say the bar is still standing and the staff are all okay. He figured I was concerned. He was right. SAINTS.

Jacksonville (+3) @ NY Jets - Jacksonville could get some Daytona points, where I almost swam across the Intracoastal Waterway (one-armed sidestroke, with my wallet held above my head) to meet a stripper back at my hotel pool. But New York is New York, and even just a pair of Santa Stumbles would take it over the top. JETS.

Oakland (+7.5) @ Philadelphia - McGillin's. Since 1860. Blurry. A lot of falling down. In the rain. In puddles. In work clothes. EAGLES.

New England (+3) @ Pittsburgh - The marquee match-up of the week. Cape Cod, two summers of drunk and disorderly among the Smails of the world. Had a bad habit of passing out ON people in mid-sentence. Kicked out of bars for being too drunk before I could order a drink. Brewed my own beer, drank it, barfed it. AND YET -- Pittsburgh, 1995, staying with a friend's brother in a Pitt Seminary School dorm. Vomited all over the dorm lobby, and while he had to clean it, stumbled into some random person's room and passed out. Campus-wide search goes on for me for most of the night. I wake up in some horror movie and see boy scout uniforms tacked to the wall amid odd paintings of Jesus. Stumble across the hall where the group is, they're relieved/pissed. Find out the kid whose room I invaded is out of town, hence the lack of backdoor soreness. Just 12 hours spent in steel town, but prolific asininity. STEELERS.

NY Giants (+5.5) @San Diego - Ordered a round of buttery nipples for an entire bar in S.D., brilliantly, but again, I have a consistent New York track record. A bartender in Doc Holliday's grabbed the hair on top of my head (I had some then), yanked my head back, and poured liquor down my throat. I heart NY. GIANTS.

Arizona (+6.5) @ Seattle - Never been to either place. I'm betting I'd get more obnoxiously drunk in Seattle, what with all the rain. SEAHAWKS.

Tennessee (+6.5) @ St. Louis - Crap game. Got loaded in Memphis and Nashville, blah blah blah. So did Elvis. TITANS.

Tampa Bay (-3.5) @ Green Bay - Got hammered at a good friend's rehearsal dinner in Clearwater, just outside of Tampa. During the toasts, some big fat sixtysomething who was sitting across the way at Table 8 stood up and issued the edict that every couple deserves a limerick, so he delivered one that he'd written. Except that he got to the last line and completely forgot it. (In case you don't remember, a limerick IS the last line, for all intents and purposes. ) It was hilariously awkward as he stood there in agony, wishing the line would come to him. It never did, and when he sat down in great embarrassment, I stood right up and just started in with no intro:

Stew and Christine are great
Some would even say it's fate
It's great to be in Clearwater
But I think that I oughter
Acknowledge the drunk at Table 8.

Sat down and finished my cocktail. Later on in the evening, as I was engineering things out of control, the bride's cousins indicated I'd better cool down or they were going to take me outside for a beating. I pretended they were kidding and laughed as if I'd never heard something so funny. The next day I was late to the wedding and was later accused of setting off a fire alarm in the night. Groomsman of the Year. BUCS.

Kansas City (+3) @ Denver - Colorado Air has a huge advantage. I remember trying to start a bulldozer, swinging a samurai sword, breaking a friend's golf club, and giving the worst toast I've ever delivered, which happened to be the worst toast in the world. BRONCOS.

Bad week to have Washington and Baltimore on a bye. Would have been easy picks. Anyway, it's time to go across the street, so have a good weekend, people.