Friday, November 13, 2009

Picks, Dicks and Nicks

If there is anything that closeted Republicans like more than cock it's black cock. I'm not sure why it works this way, but anything Republicans hate also turns them on like nobody's business. Thus, when Geoff hears Verne Lundquist repeatedly using the words "Urban" and "Cock" this afternoon, he's probably going to have to excuse himself, lest the vision of Steve McNair's cinnabon be too much for him to handle.

Geoff's a pro though, I'm sure he'll just head on down to Reagan National for a little men's room two-step. Hey...everybody's got their own way of dealing with their personal issues. TJ double fists bacon cheeseburgers, Whitney brags about his drinking escapades, Rob makes delicious cookies with some of his friends from inside a tree and...Geoff lets young black men have their way with him. To each their own.

Iowa (+13) @ Ohio State: I don't like the thought of Ohio State in the Rose Bowl any more than the next guy, but I'd rather see that than have to watch Iowa get rolled by 4 TDs in Pasadena late on New Year's Day. Anyone remember what the Rose Bowl was like a couple years ago when Illinois played USC? Yeah, well, that game's a barn burner in comparison to what would happen to Iowa against Oregon or USC. Iowa's not good. Not even close. They've almost lost to the likes Northern Iowa and Indiana...and last week they lost to Northwestern. Now, I don't think Ohio State is very good either but they have better athletes and a deeper team than Iowa, and its not even close. Ohio State wins comfortably, Terelle Pryor throws for less than 150 yards and completes under 50% of his passes.

Florida State (+6) @ Wake Forest: Wake Forest absolutely has Bobby Bowden's number. Which is a good thing because Bobby lost his number and can't find his keys. It'd be extremely helpful if somebody at Wake could call Bobby's wife and have her come and pick him up. He's overdue for his early afternoon pre-nap nap. This week the national media has made a big deal of Bowden not knowing the score of last week's FSU-Clemson game late in the 4th quarter or whether or not the Noles actually even took the lead back from Clemson in the 4th quarter. The people who find this remarkable have clearly never seen Bowden's Sunday morning postgame show. Bowden's been stumbling through that thing since I was 10. He never knows anyone's name, save for maybe his QB. He can't describe the plays accurately and generally stumbles around until Gene Deckeroff just decides to start narrating plays and identifying players with Bowden occasionally chiming in to tell you that a certain player's Mom makes a great sweet potato pie or that he just crapped in his depends. People...Bowden's been a complete and total trainwreck for years. He doesn't know the gameplan, he doesn't know his players and he doesn't know where he's at half the time. I'll tell you what he does know though...FSU's not beating Wake.


Alabama (-14) @ Mississippi State: Did you hear the latest SEC rumor? Nick Saban paid those freshman at Tennessee to commit armed robbery this past week. Yeah, that's the word flying around SEC message boards. You know what's not a rumor...When Saban rapes the little Thai boys he keeps in his basement, he does it while wearing nothing but his straw Alabama hat...but he makes the boys wear houndstooth hats. Nick Saban is sick fucking puppy, folks. Mississippi State's going to keep this close deep into the 4th quarter but much like those little Thai boys they'll still end up under Nick Saban covered in their own blood and Nick's feces. Bulldogs cover, Bama wins.



Florida (-15) @ South Carolina:
To borrow a phrase from Orson Swindle, this is a matchup between "the nation's grumpiest 9-0 fanbase versus the coach who first allowed them to be the nation's grumpiest 9-0 fanbase". He's right, Florida fans are insufferable right now. Go to any Gator message board and all you'll read are posts asking (or in many cases telling) what's wrong with the offense, and often, the team in general. Now, I'm not in love with this team like I was last year's but at some point it gets to be a bit much when every single win is followed by a couple pages of angry posts asking for the OC to be fired or changes to the OLine or begging Tebow to go out and get laid, if only to "relieve the pressure".

As for this game, it worries me. I worries me deeply, in places I don't like to talk about at cocktail parties. You see, its easy to think about the last two times these teams have played each other and surmise that this is going to be a blowout. However, that would be shortsighted and naive.

The first two times these coaches took each other on, the games ended up changing the course of the each Gator season and, in both cases, the direction of the football program as a whole. We all remember the blocked FG from 2006 (most stressful game EVER) that propelled Florida to an SEC title and, eventually, the National Championship.



However, many people don't know the full story about the first time Meyer and Spurrier faced each other in Columbia. Florida lost to South Carolina that day, and it was ugly. Anemic offense, soft defense and sloppy play on special teams all contributed to an embarrassing loss in Columbia that day. However, what transpired afterward forever changed the face of the Florida program under Urban Meyer. There was what Meyer calls a "come to Jesus" meeting on the plane as it sat on the tarmac in Gainesville late that Saturday afternoon. The meeting lasted a couple hours and at the end of it some players were demoted from starting positions, other players were kicked off the team outright and there were, if the rumors are to be believed, a few punches thrown between various players from opposing factions within the team. As regrettable as some of that may have been, from that point on, Florida's football program has steadily on the rise. A loss today in Columbia certainly wouldn't erase all that progress, but it would severely damage the goals and hopes of a senior led football team that's just finally starting to get everyone healthy. If Florida's going to announce that they're "back" to the rest of the nation, today would be a good time to do it. I'd like to see that, but I'm not betting on it. Not with South Carolina's pass rush (and not with Carlos Dunlap and Jermaine Cunningham both recovering from ankle injuries...seriously though, everyone else is pretty healthy...I swear). Carolina covers.

103 comments:

zoltan said...

Speaking of Geoff, if you think DC is full of self-promoting jackals who wear Smather and Branson belts and drive their mom's hand-me-down entry-level luxury car, valedictorians from bumfucky Midwestern small towns, homecoming queen runner-ups, and wonky donkeys who want to "do policy;" or if you enjoy political satire; or if you think angry swearing Scotsmen are really funny to listen to; or if you get a kick out of seeing James Gandolfini trying to play a role other than Tony Soprano; or if a combination thereof applies to you, then you should go rent "In the Loop."

zoltan said...

You should also rent "In the Loop" if you think British politicians are schmucks.

TJ said...

College football on at 9am is weird.

rob said...

what dexter mccluster is doing to tennessee is borderline criminal

Mark said...

And beautiful Rob. Don't forget beautiful. Looks like FSU thinks I'm an idiot who can go jam himself. Wish I could say I'm surprised.

Also, a hearty fuck you to Brian Kelly for inserting Tony Pike only when Cincy got near the goal line last might. Those TDs belonged to Zach Collaros...and my fantasy team.

Dan said...

mark - for starters, i don't really care one way or the other about saban, but am curious as to where your disdain for him comes from? i mean, sure there's the lsu/bama coaching gigs, but you've taken typical rival coach hatred to an entirely new level...i think it's uncalled for. nick's a human being with feelings.

Dan said...

off to a neighborhood get-together w/bunch of gaytor fans to watch game...should be loads of fun.

Mark said...

I don't really hate Saban at all. I think he's a great coach and a better recruiter. His presence at Bama (and the high probability of him being there for a long time scares the shit out of me). Guys like Les Miles and Lane Kiffin don't scare me because I don't respect their coaching acumen or ability to run a good, consistent program. Saban is Florida (and Urban Meyer's) biggest long term threat.

He's just an easy target and I'm lazy. If I were a Dolphins fan then I'd loathe him like no other. I'm a Bucs fan though so I save my hate for Hugh Culverhouse, Vinny Testaverde and Broderick Thomas.

Jerry said...

The South Carolina game has looked like a landmine since the schedule was released. I'd be more nervous about this game than @LSU.

Mark said...

So...Dan likes ND and uses the cheezy/lazy "gaytors" insult? Yep, it's official. I don't like him.

Jerry said...

Also, I regret missing out on yesterday's acrimony over here. This Northeastern Elitist enjoyed Sparky's prickliness.

rob said...

is pau gasol in csi: miami this week?

Mark said...

I was in fine form yesterday. I even kicked my dogs when I got home.

rob said...

google answered my question in the affirmative. that was unexpected.

rob said...

holy mccluster!

Mark said...

Yes he is Rob.

And I agree Jerry. Arkansas was always the game that worried me most (after LSU, random SEC West opponent), closely followed by USCe.

Jerry said...

The current LSU offense is highly predictable and lacks upside. I have no idea what we're going to see from SC. They could completely crap it, but I could see something crazy happening.

Mark said...

UCF has broken out their new can of whoop ass on Houston over the last 10 minutes.

Also, I'll be a little sad when Riley Skinner's 10th year of eligibility runs out.

Jerry said...

These games are terrible.

Mark said...

USCe's D was really good earlier this year but they e struggled lately. I'm worried about their pass rush. I'm also worried about their play action game. Florida has struggled defending play action this year and their ends are banged up. Plus, we all know SOS is taking his fair amount of shots today.

TJ said...

Riley Skinner is the Jess Settles of 2000s ACC football.

Mark said...

Just left a 3 beer lunch and got pulled over for speeding (and my brake light's out...whoops)...fortunately, my girlfriend works for the Sheriff's office and knew the cop who pulled me over. No tickets for this guy!

I'm taking this as a good sign.

Jerry said...

You and the boys heading over to Porky's after the game?

Jerry said...

Tribe up 17-10 in the 3rd.

Jerry said...

Fort Minor is back. Awesome.

Jerry said...

I know SC always has some weird names, so those jersey really threw me for a moment there.

TR said...

That Porky's joke was great. Too bad nobody under the age of 28 would get it.

TR said...

Stevey G looking good for a frisky Cocks team.

Mark said...

Lots of missed opportunities fir Florida (can they recover a fumble every now and then?) in the 1st half. And Carolina's ability to gash Florida up the middle with the run is troubling, as is the cromulence of Garcia to this point.

Last season was a gift from the gods in terms of stress level. I kind of forgot what a typical CFB season was like.

Jerry said...

Delaware down 14-12 to Navy late in the 3rd. A Hens win makes for a very short path to W&M > than Notre Dame.

rob said...

i love that - you can't find analysis like that anywhere other than the gtb/wheelhouse industrial complex.

Jerry said...

Targeted programming. It's the way forward. Someday everybody will be watching TV shows customized to their tastes.

And then Cohagen will steal our air.

Jerry said...

Sparky, could we get some Gators message board lifer to analyze how many yard Brandon James has lost on return penalties. I'll make the call that he's in the top 5 in the history of college football in that category.

Dan said...

mark - lazy is my middle name. i'm man enough to admit that it's jealousy/envy based.

Mark said...

I agree with Jerry. And Dan, as I said, I'm lazy as shit too. I can respect that.

Florida's fucking killing me right now. I now have a bad feeling about things. Saunders is killing Florida.

Dan said...

interesting game thus far. would pay large cash for a uf loss but not gonna happen.

Mark said...

Ill say it again, missed opportunities. I've been down on Adazzio and the offensive scheme all year but today is a matter of execution, or lack thereof. FUCK.

Dan said...

funny that you say that...gator fan of mine just called me to reiterate that urban and the oc shouldn't be coachin pop warner nor running a popcorn stand. you uf fans are exceedingly greedy. give someone else a chance heh.

Dan said...

he just called again to say that if uf had spurrier and usc urban, the score would be 50-0. your thoughts mark?

Mark said...

Obviously I'm biased but damn if CBS isn't trying to jinx Florida. Oh yeah!!!! Go Trattou go!!!

Jerry said...

Florida D give the rest of the team a tremendous margin for error.

By the way, we've got OT for the Big 10 Championship.

Mark said...

Dan...your friend is a reactionary idiot. Meyer's gameplanned to this teams strengths all year. Spurrier wouldve gameplanned to his preferences. I love Spurrier but Meyer's a better option all around for Florida this go round. He works harder, he recruits better and his success speaks for itself.

Dan said...

reactionary idiot...not really and only b/c he's been consistent with the message even while accumulating nat'l championships. not so much directed to urban but the oc...much like the rest of gator nation - he's not the first.

Dan said...

is whit following thru w/his "katy bar the door" comment of last week?

Mark said...

I'll respectfully ( for a change) disagree. The offense under Urban has often been dependent on a small amount of pet plays but there are 3 phases to football and Urban's teams have won games byexecuting all 3 well. Too many Florida fans have a nostalgic memory of the Spurrier and refuse to recall some of his terrible and inexplicable losses. Your friend seems like one if these fans. Nothing personal...just my observation.

Sturgis...Jesus man, get it together.

Jerry said...

Complaints about Urban Meyer are incomprehensible to me. I don't feel like listing his accomplishments, but everybody knows them. It's nearly impossible to do any better.

Mark said...

Exactly, I get really annoyed with Florida fans who bash Meyer and pine for SOS. Makes me wonder how much football they watch.

Dan said...

fellas...i don't disagree w/you uf fucks...winning is winning. i'm just surrounded by more than a couple, alum included, that think the oc blows. i'm just a reporter here looking for some opining. you provided it. carry on.
how 'bout stanford? if nd wins out...they shoud be in the nat'l championship

Dan said...

and in addition to that...i'd throw in a contribution on behalf of notre dame to get urban.

Mark said...

Dan...its like I said in the post. There are far too many UF fans who have lost some perspective this season. The program on the whole is as healthy as its ever been but some folks still seem unsatisfied. I'm all for being critical but I think you need to do it with some perspective.

And, the OC isn't very good. This year's offense lacks a certain amount of imagination, for sure. I've heard from people who know people that Adazzio is a one year guy (as OC) regardless of what happened this year. Loeffler (the QB coach) was brought in to work with Brantley and transition into next year's offense with Brantley as his OC. We'll see if that actually happens but thats the word. A good number of these disgruntled fans now wish they had Mullen, who they had issues with as well. Florida fans expect great, exciting offense...period. When they don't get it they get whiny and bitchy. I'm as guilty of this as the next guy. It's not the only way to win football games at Florida though, as 2006 showed.

Dan said...

pitt's got a pretty good team....good d. they win tonight, unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on which side of the weis house you sleep. myself - i'm torn. so fucking torn. i guess i'll make another drink in the meantime.

Mark said...

Pacquiao-Cotto, I bit the bullet and paid for the fight. Can I get a 12 round brawl?

Mark said...

3 rounds in...this fight has serious potential. Slug...fest. If things hold form.

Mark said...

Round 4...I'm not even mad I didn't by a 12 pack of Tecate

Mark said...

Cotto's getting his assed handed to him. Pacquiao is an all-timer.

Mark said...

Manny wins handily...impressive. And I won't complain about it either...

Mark said...

Brandon Jennings had 55 tonight...yes...55. That is some ridiculous shit. I preached the gospel of Jennings but dammit, I never saw this coming...

rob said...

whitney and i are headed to fedex field in landover, md - ground zero of the redskins' implosion - to do some first-hand reporting. danger, nor the likelihood of witnessing something seriously gruesome will not stop us in our quest for the truth.

Mark said...

Don't forget height restrictions either Rob, those won't stop you either...

rob said...

my car overheated on the way into the parking lot. this is not beginning well.

rob said...

65 year-old teejay sat next to us in the lounge before the game. it was uncanny.

TJ said...

Is he as hungover as I am right now?

rob said...

competence!

Dan said...

.

mayhugh said...

By my count that's the second fumble recoverd by the Skins this year

Greg said...

Whip it!! Whip it good!!!

mayhugh said...

Let's just run that play more.

Mark said...

I nominate Dan's comment from 1:24 for comment of the year.

Mark said...

My hate for Michael Clayton knows no bounds. Fuck you, you worthless fucking asshole.

rob said...

whitney on the skins cheerleaders:'they've got a slutty savoir faire'

Mark said...

Wait...did Raheem Morris just get an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty while arguing the result of a replay?

Fuck me.

Mark said...

Steven Jackson may be having the greatest season by a running back on a shitty team ever. What he's done on that shitshow in St. Louis is fairly amazing. It'd be nice to see what he could do on a team with even a moderate level of talent around him.

Mark said...

Does anybody in the NFL do gayer TD celebrations than Maurice Jones-Drew?

I say no.

Mark said...

I'm not even close to sold on Josh Freeman but you can certainly see what Raheem Morris and the rest of the organization like about him.

mayhugh said...

Ladell Betts, running hard. If he could pass block at all he'd be an 80% solution.

mayhugh said...

Albert Haynesworth is going for the record for most times going down on the field with an injury.

mayhugh said...

So many points! I feel spoiled.

TJ said...

TR, how did the Jets fuck it up this week?

And I hope the Eagles lose by 50 points today.

Geoff said...

Ladell Betts is an improvement over Portis and shockingly Levi Jones was a huge improvement over Heyer. Clearly, the Skins will run the table.

TJ said...

Rob, let us know how long it takes you to get out of FedEx.

TR said...

Z-Man and I mired in brutal Rutherford traffic. Jets made a whole lot of mistakes today. Coaching staff never blitzed on the last drive. Unexcusable and unbelievable. We are a 6-10 team.

TJ said...

Haha Eagles fans...hope the cross country flight was worth it, you mouth-breathing d-bags.

rob said...

got out of fedex in no time, then broke down on the beltway. waiting for a towtruck now. fuck. me.

Mark said...

Things I learned in the NFL this week:

Recovery of a loose ball in the field of play is not reviewable. Ummm, why?

Whitney said...

Here's my weekend thus far:

Thursday: hunkered down hurricane party style at a tiny bat and drank Irish coffees + Murphy's all night while the nor'easter shut down the town. Great night.

Friday: went to a cool bar, watched some dj spin some South American beats, and drank Dale's Pale Ale all night. Very fun.

Saturday: went to the Tribe game, watched our boys take down UNH in a pivotal game that ends the discussion as to whether W+M makes the playoffs. We should get a home game 11/28. Make plans. Stopped at Pierce's for 2 jumbos w/ slaw on the way out of town, went to Leesburg where I threw back good beer with Rob 'til 1:30 or so. Fun day.

Today: slept late, went to FedEx, had to endure some shitty hecklers (seriously, at those decibels, boys, please be funnier), but not so much in the 2nd half as the Skins made my 1st trip back there in years an awesome one. Rob landed comped club level, had a couple of dogs and a belly full of beers. Skins win, inexplicably. Hecklers silenced. Car breaks down, but our buddy Tinsley happens to be coming back from fishing with his kids, picks us up on the Beltway and takes us back to his house, where my car happens to be parked. Voila. Now I'm sitting in a bar on U Street having a PBR and awaiting the Devo show. Ben's Chili Bowl later.

If it gets better than this, it rarely happens to me.

mm said...

nice post....................................................................................................

Mark said...

MM seems like an interesting guy.

Oh, you mean we're actually going to play this Colts-Patriots game tonight? Nice...this fucking thing had more lead up than the damn Super Bowl.

zoltan said...

Can you stumble into some strange at a Devo show on a Sunday night in DC?

rob said...

the tribe loses in triple overtime to harvard. that's gonna hurt our at-large bid chances.

Mark said...

For the first time since what seems like the middle of the 2nd quarter, this game has gotten really, really interesting...

Mark said...

New England just went for it on 4th and 2 on their own 28 while up 6 with 2:08 to play. Doesn't appear that they got it either...Wow.

Like I said, this game wasn't really living up to the hype for most of the night. It's certainly made up for it with the 4th quarter.

TJ said...

The end of this game is absurd.

Mark said...

I'm not sure even the Colts can believe they just beat New England.

The last two drives were absolutely masterful work last by Manning. And terrible game management Bill Belichik

Greg said...

Why is belichick running? Is he late for something? Or can he not take it?

TJ said...

I got to the hotel bar as indy scored the td to cut it to 6. Wow.

TJ said...

Billy boy looked non-plussed

Plus he has to drop an upper decker in caldwell's private nathroom

Greg said...

I know who the new pope is.

TJ said...

Swint, the McRib is back...get excited

Greg said...

Swint told me to tell you he says, "let's be Scottish frogs and McRibbit!"

Mark said...

Rodney Harrison needs to be careful what he says about Belichick...his dog is already probably dead.

TJ said...

And Hines Ward has eaten said dog as a unique and special dinner.

zoltan said...

So I guess I shouldn't have gone to bed after Randy Moss' second TD? The photo of Belichick on the front page of ESPN.com is fantastic.

TR said...

Articles like this make me hopeful for the future of mankind:

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