Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Dave Solves Problem-- Interviews Self

I was recently interviewed by The Clarion, our school newspaper, on the topic of living overseas, and, now that I've seen an advanced copy of the article, I am unhappy with my performance during this interview. I wanted to sound funny and quotable, but I was preoccupied with drawing a cartoon on the board for the up-coming class, and I ended up sounding flip and tangential-- the other teacher who was interviewed said profound things about living in another culture while I riffed on tapeworms, power outages, and feeling stupid when everyone else speaks three languages. I also forgot that the high school reporter would have a hard time merging the adjective "byzantine" into her own prose.

But I will say this, although I did not take THAT particular interview very seriously, I now have a taste for being interviewed. And I am pretty sure that my thoughts are more important than anyone else's thoughts. But the problem is this: no one has interviewed me in two weeks. In a daring (and extremely egotistical) attempt to solve this problem, I have interviewed myself.

Dave: If there was one rock band you could erase, which would it be?
Dave: I'll answer that question with one of my own. Who made more albums, Steely Dan or Jethro Tull?


Dave: Could you offer your thoughts on the sub-prime mortgage crisis?
Dave: Sure. It's a difficult thing, because you could blame Bill Clinton and George Bush for encouraging lending institutions to offer a wider variety of more complex products which would appeal to higher risk applicants, or you could blame the legislation that allowed loans to be packaged into tranched derivatives, which could be repackaged into bonds, so that everyone could get involved with the mortgage market, not just banks, who have to patiently wait from fifteen to thirty years to collect their money. Or you could blame poor people, who went ahead and took any money that rich lending institutions offered them, even if they couldn't afford it. Or you could blame the houses themselves, because most houses are made of wood and wood is edible: squirrels like to gnaw on it, termites like to eat it, and dry rot spores will quickly destroy it. I wouldn't invest all my money in something made of food and hope to get rich. I think that third pig had a good idea with the bricks.

Dave: Is there anything you feel particularly qualified to expound upon?
Dave: No, and that's sort of sad. For as much as I've read, I'm not an expert in anything. I'm pretty much a dilettante. It's a sad irony that I recognize this, yet still insist on being interviewed regularly.



Dave: Where were you when O.J. took that fateful slow ride in his Bronco?
Dave: That's a great question. I was at a party in Highland Park, New Jersey, but my brother and I weren't really talking to anyone, instead we were trying to watch the Knicks play the Rockets, it was game five of the NBA finals, but once everyone at the party got wind of the chase, they made us shut the game off and turn to that nonsense. My brother and I went into my future wife's bedroom and listened to the game on the radio, which was always fun because of the color commentary of Walt "Clyde" Frazier: "Acrobatic theatrics as Starks wheels and deals to Ewing, who styles and profiles through the lane!" But although the Knicks won, in retrospect, we should have watched the chase, because the Knicks ended up losing in seven, and Olajuwon outplayed Ewing, and that Simpson chase would be the integral event of the 90's.

Dave: Do you have any advice for the young people?
Dave: Yes. If you haven't listened to Girl Talk, you should. Don't be fooled by the name. Also, don't worry about your choices. You're going to pretty much regret everything you do (unless you invested in the Microsoft back in 1986) so you might as well enjoy yourself.

32 comments:

TR said...

I'm gonna cross-pollinate the past thread into this comments stream and back up The Z-Man (which I now prefer to Z-Man). The VA onslaught was shocking, although totally predictable, to the out-of-staters in the 'Burg. That said, the rednecks were still infinitely better than the Jersey trash I avoided by heading down South.

For the first week of school, I wondered how I had never heard of the seemingly massive town of Nova, where half my freshman hall seemed to come from.

TJ said...

What I never understood is why so many people transferred from Villanova and ended up with us in the 'Burg. This had me very confused.

Greg said...

"in a moment of Byzantine whimsy....."

zoltan said...

I prefer "bumpkin" to "redneck," it's less pejorative. And yes, bumpkins are generally more tolerable than Jersey trash.

I was surprised by the indignation I faced when I said things like "No, I've never heard of the town of Bristol VA" or "No, I've never heard of Norfolk Academy" or "We call that a funnel in NJ, not a beer bong."

Marlin said...

My freshman roommate made a big deal out of the fact that he was from Franklin, VA (the city), not Franklin, VA (the county). Apparently, there is a big difference. What that difference is, I'm still not sure.

Whitney said...

Yes, but we Virginians had to endure how there was not one single piece of pizza in the entire state that could ever, ever compare to a NJ/NY slice. "Hey, Fucko, you've never had Mario's..."

Dave still will not shut up about how the Delly put mayo on an Italian sub. But I don't think that actually happened. According to this site, the College Delly's Italian contains:

"ham, Genoa salami, Provolone cheese, lettuce, tomato, oil and vinegar, onions, hot peppers and pickles"

NJ complainers.

Whitney said...

Dave's ego will suffer a hit if we don't address his post even a little bit. (And his old roomie Rob has just checked in with the G:TB staff to say he's "at a Chick-fil-a in Wilson, NC on the way to Myrtle Beach," so he's no help to Dave).

I'll just say this: The part where Dave asks himself a question and replies, "That's a great question" is egomaniac brilliance. Well done.

zoltan said...

First time I ever went to College Delly I ordered two slices. The girl said "We don't sell by the slice." As a parochial lad from north Jersey, I was stunned. I ordered a roast beef sandwich, which was completely unlike any roast beef sandwich I had eaten before. But in a bad way.

A few days later I called College Delly for delivery and ordered a large pie. The girl said "We don't sell pies." I said "I was in there two days ago and you me you don't sell slices. Now you say you don't sell pies. The sign out front says 'pizza.' What's the deal?" She said "Well we sell pizza, but we don't sell pies!" I said "You've never heard of a pizza pie?!? When the moon hits your eye like a big pizzz pie, that's amore?!?" She was silent for about 3 seconds, then said "What toppings would you like."

zoltan said...

Another time I called and ordered "a plain pizza." The girl said "Plain? What do you mean?" I said "You know, plain. Nothing on it." She said "Do you want cheese?" I said "I orderd a pizza didn't I? A pizza without cheese is bread and sauce. If I wanted bread and sauce I would've ordered bread and sauce."

I didn't do well with ladies from Virginia.

Dave said...

i think it may have been paul's that put mayo on my italian sub (this was before i was a pi lam, and was banned from eating and/or drinking there.)

rhode island has delicious bread and sauce pizza with no cheese.

went through the whole pizza pie routine with palmer scarett (sp?)

pete and elda's is the best pizza in new jersey. the pizza in virginia is despicable-- especially at the marketplace. thank god i learned to enjoy pulled pork.

Dave said...

catching up on old comments: i was a medieval studies minor. something else i know just enough about to sound stupid. i think it's time for me to specialize in something.

anyone read chuck klosterman's new book yet? it's great-- essays on abba,erroll morris, nirvana vs. david koresh, time travel, ralph sampson, the spread offense and how it illustrates the paradoxically conservative yet dynamic nature of pro football . . . very gheorghe.

Greg said...

Why don't you like Steely Dan? Was it their studio perfectionism? Their dark sarcastic lyrics? Or their long running feud with the Eagles?

TR said...

Aja is brilliant. So is Pete & Elda's pizza. It's the only reason to go to Neptune, NJ. Unless you want to buy crack.

TJ said...

I've been waiting for Greg's Steely Dan reply for hours...

zoltan said...

Is Pete and Elda's Pizza the place where I redecorated the men's room with pizza?

Dave said...

i genuinely tried to like steely dan last year-- i know they are well reviewed-- so i pirated every album they ever made and gave them the old college try. but i guess william and mary won't do.

my brother likes them, and he's an accomplished jazz pianist. i think they are just musically beyond me. and they sound really antiseptic and i don't feel like if i did spend the time to appreciate them, i would get any great satisfaction out of it anyway. i don't think there's any transcendent value to what they do. i feel the same about "rush"-- and i gave them a second chance last year as well. didn't work.

TR said...

If it makes you feel better (and it probably doesn't), I have a list of those kinds of bands: Pink Floyd, Flaming Lips, Social Distortion, Burning Spear are the first to come to mind.

I know folks love them, but I just can't get into them.

zoltan said...

Phish, Wilco, Rush, Grateful Dead, Tupac, DMB. If it makes you feel better.

TJ said...

TR, one of these days...

I'm gonna get you to like Floyd.

Dave said...

or you can be like whitney and love everyone. is there a band that guy doesn't like? or at least appreciate?

Whitney said...

I'm not a huge Boston fan. I do like "More Than a Feeling."

Jethro Tull, perhaps because you complain about them, don't do too much for me. But "Bungle in the Jungle" is great fun, and I like "Locomotive Breath."

Jam bands whose songs go on too long lose me. I like plenty of Dead, Phish, etc, but anything over 6 minutes tends to drag.

But really, I can't think of any bands whose music that I cannot stand one note of; when I got to college, I thought I hated metal. My freshman roommate was a metalhead. Now there's plenty I like. I think that if you try, you can find at least one song or two that might appeal to you.

"Peg", Dave? "Dirty Work" "Rikki Don't Lose That Number" etc

Dave said...

see, you couldn't just just outright hate an entire band. you had to appreciate at least one thing by each one. are you planning on running for president of the american music association?

it's OK to hate Boston. And chicago and asia and america and alabama and europe. especially europe.

TR said...

Dave - You should've included the obligatory pre-amble with your interview of Dave, just like the journalists at Rolling Stone used to do back in the day when folks read magazines.

"I patiently sipped my vodka tonic at the Chateau Marmont bar, looked at my watch and waited for Dave to show up. Not surprisingly, he was late..."

Geoff said...

When I got to the Burg people would say "oh, you're from NOVA.". And I'd say "no, I'm from McLean," only because I was confused. The only Nova I knew was Northern Virginia Community College. No one I knew growing up called it "Nova" and to this day no one does...though I've only lived here for 30 years.

Dave said...

i'm thinking of doing fake interviews with everyone from the gheorghe staff-- i'll send you questionnaires and then add in all the rolling stones stuff.

"rob sniffed a line of cocaine off the toilet seat at the roxy before he answered my first question, but his reply was still lucid and clever . . ."

zoltan said...

You have to write those sorts of things in the first person.

"TR casually slips his index finger in his right nostril and expertly pulls out a plump green booger. He admires it for a second, slides it into his mouth, and happily grinds it between his teeth. 'I'm sorry,' he says, 'can you repeat the question?'"

zoltan said...

I mean present tense. Grammar sucks.

Whitney said...

I liked Chicago before the lead singer accidentally blew his own head off. And I like the supergroup Asia even more than I like Yes, one its main elements. Yes is another band I'm not a huge fan of -- except I like "Owner of a Lonely Heart."

I don't like music to please anyone, I like it because it's good. You people with the aural filters or the judgment have the problem. Weirdos. I'd say give another shot to Wilco or Social Distortion or Ween; or if not, more room at the shows for my large body.

Oh, and I do not like fucking boy band synth-pop or neo-country.

Dave said...

good point about the present tense-- maybe i won't even bother asking anyone questions-- i'll just scour the comments for ones i like and insert them into my "interviews."

i also really really hate "the steve miller band."

isn't wilco neo-country? or are they alt-country?

zoltan said...

Where's the love for the Clyde photo? Mad smooth.

Mark said...

Quite a busy day for G:TB. I guess everybody's either (a) off and traveling or (b) bored to hell at work.

I'll choose not to dignify the shot at my alma mater (which is a public Ivy) from the last thread of comments but I will contribute to the "bands I can't get into" discussion.

While I can find something I like from just about every band, a few bands/artists just can't get it done for me. Examples of this would be: Rush, Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park (I guess I hate all that rap/rock shit) and R. Kelly. I'm sure there's more but that's all I got can think of right now.

Finally, I'm pretty disappointed nobody took the opportunity to make a blumpkin joke...

Mark said...

Good point, Zoltan. Perfectly captures the man...