Friday, November 13, 2009

Official Mid-November G:TB College Football (D)opus

If it's mid-November, it's time to wallow in NCAA Football's annual fizzle to the finish. If college football is the second biggest sports league going (with the NFL being first), it's amazing how it can get away ending so badly every year. Computers, whiny coaches, whiny reporters, whiny schools, ignorant pollsters, blah-fucking-blah. If you're like me, you end up rooting for outcomes that create a debate-free conclusion to the season because you're so fed up with the nonsense. Ever since Penn State got jobbed in 1994, I've loathed the ambiguity of each season's climax. Of course, if you're really like me, you also like foreign objects in your rectum. But that's a story for another time.

So the New Jersey branch of G:TB thought we would look at the remaining schedules of the undefeated teams and opine on a likely national champion. Much to our chagrin, we didn't land on Rutgers.

So what do we have here? We have a lot of teams in the hunt with odd non-conference games late in the season. Florida vs. FIU? Alabama vs. Chattanooga? Cincy vs. Illinois? Those first two match-ups suck. I want trap games, heated rivalries and potential pitfalls. Not pastings of chumps. I like the Illinois game as a spoiler. But then again, I also like eating Campbell's Tomato with Rice soup out of the can with a spoon, like tomato jello. It's good and it's cheap and it only involves one thing to wash. Besides these crappy games, we have a few potential spoilers. The match-ups favor a Texas-Florida finale, but it ain't that simple. Let's see how the teams line up.

#1 - Florida:
11/14: @ South Carolina
11/21: FIU (is this a real school?)'
11/28: Florida State
12/5: Alabama (SEC Championship)

Undefeated Season Chances: Gators will destroy a demoralized group of cocks and whoop it up on FIU and FSU, bringing them undefeated into the SEC Championship. Many people think it's a toss-up between the Gators and the Crimson Tide. But the non-Floridian contingent among the executive staff here thinks that Tide will roll pretty handily over the Gators in Atlanta, if only because we like Bama's uniforms more. We would give the Gators better odds, but Gator Nation still needs to prove that Tebow can walk on water, as has been rumored in Gainesville.


#2 - Texas:
11/14: @ Baylor
11/21: Kansas
11/26: @ Texas A&M
12/5: Big 12 Championship?

Undefeated Season Chances: Strong, to very strong, just like this guy's portfolio. We would've liked Kansas more as an upset option if it hadn't shat the bed so ferociously the last six weeks. Four straight losses is atrocious. Rock. Chalk. Suck balls. So Texas will sail past a shit sandwich Huskers or Wildcats squad into the national championship, allowing us more shots of Colt's lady-friend, like the one above. And the one below. But we'll also get more shots of Mack Brown and those ass-brown uniforms. Any shots of Mack Brown is too much.


Alabama:
11/14: @ Mississippi State
11/21: Chattanooga
11/27: @ Auburn
12/5: Florida (SEC Championship)
Undefeated Season Chances: See above.

Undefeated Season Chances: We don't like the Tide to make it through this gauntlet, easy as it may appear. We have pulled out our Sharpies and circled the Black Friday game against Auburn. The Tigers had a 3-game whiff in mid-October, but are back on track after a nail-biter against Furman. We think the Tigers will knock off Georgia this weekend and scheme up a plan to put Alabama on their ass the day after Thanksgiving. You heard it here first.


TCU:
11/14: Utah
11/21: @ Wyoming
11/28: New Mexico

Undefeated Season Chances: We think TCU will get caught by the 25 year-old Utahns this weekend. The ghost of Moroni will haunt the Christian heathens from Texas. And who can root for a Horned Frog, anyway?

Cincinnati:
11/13: West Virginia
11/27: Illinois
12/5: @ Pitt

Undefeated Season Chances: We don't see the Bearcats getting through this interesting stretch, even if Dave Wannstedt's face figures prominently in one of them. The Tony Pike vs. Zach Collaros debate will become more of a distraction than the new-to-the-big-time-Bearcats can take. Too bad Bob Huggins isn't around to do something gross and unethical to attract attention. Again. Cincy goes down at Pitt in December, and they may go down to our favorite water-skiing coach in November.



Boise State:

11/14: Idaho
11/20: @ Utah State
11/27: Nevada
12/5: New Mexico State

Undefeated Season Chances: Strong, even though they no longer have Ian Johnson in the lineup. How old is this guy? I feel like he played there all decade? Unfortunately, we don't see an undefeated Boise squad cracking into the top two slots. They seem destined to be this year's undefeated "small" conference team to play in a BCS bowl. But let's be honest here. One win over a decent Oregon squad can only carry them so far. The rest of their victories are against a motley crew of chump squads (Tulsa, Miami of Ohio, Bowling Green, Cal-Davis, etc.). Inconvenience for you, I'm sorry. Don't overlook the Nevada game on 11/27. Both teams are undefeated in conference play, and the game could be for all the WAC marbles.

Conclusion:
So, if you've done the math here, you'll see an undefeated Texas team facing off against a one-loss Alabama team for the title, and you'll watch it on a terrible Fox broadcast because they think you can buy the rights and hire Barry Switzer and everything will be great. No it won't. The coverage will suck. Like it always does. Florida will be pissed because they have a higher quality loss than Alabama, but nobody will care because Urban Meyer is a smarmy jackass hiding behind a thin veil of benevolence.

Happy watching, gents. Here's one more shot of Ms. Glandorf for you folks. You've seen it before, but there's nothing wrong with seeing it again.

52 comments:

Dan said...

great pic....
Zook's hot

Geoff said...

I'll go ahead and predict a shocking loss by Florida to FSU.

zoltan said...

So I used the word "choad" today at work. I thought it was a synonymn for "tool" or "loser." Apparently it is not.

Geoff said...

Speaking of choads, whenever my day isn't going quite the way I had hoped, I watch this video...and everything is fine, if only for just a few moments.

http://tinyurl.com/yf976vf

Dan said...

that's entirely plausible (fsu upsetting uf) - same w/game tomorrow agains so car...

TR said...

Geoff's link is tremendous. And knowing he watches it a lot dispels those pesky "he's gay" rumors.

Geoff said...

TR, you think those guys are gay? Man...maybe I'm naive but I just don't see it.

Dan said...

i recant fsu statement...ponder out for remainder

Whitney said...

That is incredible. A nice Alan Thicke appearance at the end as well.

The song they are queerly, hideously dancing to is "That's Good" by Devo. I am going to see Devo at the 9:30 Club Sunday night after going to the Redskins/Broncos game with Rob. A big day of watching "what was good in the 80's."

Mark said...

I love reading "analysis" from northeastern elitists who only have a passing interest in college football.

Bamas not losing to Auburn. Auburn beat them too many years in a row (6?) before last year and that game means too much. Plus, Auburns D isn't good enough.

As for FSU beating Florida, I'm guessing that Dan and Geoff aren't aware that the game is in Gainesville or that FSU QB (and their best offensive player) is out for the year. If Florida loses before Atlanta it will be tomorrow to an underrated South Carolina team, the HBC and a bunch of Cocks in camo uniforms. Yes, camo. Some type of Veterans Day tie-in.

Finally, anybody who wants to give me 10 points and Florida against Bama's anemic offense in the SEC CG (because you can't "roll" anybody by less than 10, right?), well get in touch. I'll gladly take that bet, many times over.

Dan said...

mark - please see my 4:18 post...

Mark said...

And don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things wrong with Florida but I'm no less convinced of the vulnerability of Bama or Texas (one playmaker on offense, absolutely no run game...leading rusher: 250 yards in 2009) than I am of Florida.

Geoff said...

Mark, please see my 3:55 post.

Mark said...

Saw it Dan. Just happened to be commenting from my phone and hadn't refreshed. Some of these opinions on CFB make me wonder how much actual football, as opposed to highlights, has been watched by our staff and their cronies.

Dan said...

mark - you'd take 10 points AND Florida...wow.
do you carry your nutsack around in a wheelbarrah?

zoltan said...

I've watched about one minute and nine seconds of college football this year. I'm too busy listening to Phil Collins, smiling about paying taxes, and coveting hybrid cars.

Mark said...

TR...Isiah Thomas coaches basketball at FIU. Maybe you've heard of the guy. I mean, he used to coach in the NY/NJ area and it's starting to feel like the only teams you know (or care) about are located there. It's a big world and not everything revolves around your corner of it. The Rays didn't throw at Tex to keep him from winning the HR title (seriously, who cares?), Jay Cutler's thrown far more terrible ints than Sanchez this year (he has 9 picks in the redzone alone, Sanchez has 10 total). Stick to talking about the "dirty jerz", poopy diapers and the Knicks but please leave national sports stories to people who actually acknowledge the rest of the nation.

/end angry Friday rant

Mark said...

Dan...re-read the comment and see where I got the 10 point figure from. If Florida's getting rolled then giving me 7-10 points shouldn't be a big deal. Right now, I would take Florida straight up over Bama but since TR predicted such a sound Bama victory, well, I'm going to need some points to even things up.

zoltan said...

The Cutler/Sanchez debate over JaMarcusian picks is pointless - JaMarcus Russell, the most JaMarcusian of QB's, beats the both in this regard.

Mark said...

I could not agree more.

TR said...

Lighten up Francis. My analysis included references to eating canned soup and inserting objects into my rectum. Should give you an idea how serious my "analysis" is. I well versed on FIU, their brawl with Miami, Isiah, their claim to be "International," etc. So don't get your joeys in a bunch.

TR said...

And nothing solidifies a point like saying "I well versed...". Stupid iPhone.

zoltan said...

I pioneered eating unheated soup in a can, particularly Chunky Beef Stew, and everyone said I was gross.

TR said...

And iPhone auto-corrected "jorts" to "joeys.". Not sure which word I like better. I'll quit now while I'm behind.

Mark said...

TR...anytime I'm still working past 4 on A Friday, somebody's going to have me ranting at/towards them. The fact that you posted about CFB and that live in an area of Florida overrun by obnoxious and clueless NY/NJ transplants made you an easy target. Kind of a two for one deal for me.

rob said...

mark, when are we planning to do the sec championship score-prediction mind meld. our fans are expecting it.

Whitney said...

Teej goes to SoCal, Rob goes to Philthadelphia, and in-fighting ensues. I love it.

And TR's rectum comment didn't get enough attention. Nobody told him to stay classy, nobody remarked that he is beautifully keeping G:TB out of the mainstream with such comments, and nobody exclaimed, "Rectum? Damn near killed 'im!" Damn you people.

Mark said...

I was just waiting for Geoff to start flirting with him, Whit. Didn't want to steal his thunder, you know.

And Rob, I was recently thinking the same thing. We probably need to get the doofus overlord to hype last year's excellence so we have the appropriate amount of attention on us when we fall flat on our predictive faces.

If I remember correctly, we both wrote on Friday and you posted it early on Saturday. I see no reason not follow suit this year. Although, I'm trying to work out the details on an SEC CG trip with Socks and Berto, so I may have to adjust my schedule.

Mark said...

Who's excited for some Magic-Nets action?

rob said...

'tribe hoops 2009: there can be only one (conference win)' tips off in 10 minutes. get fired up.

Mark said...

Just did, Rob. Just did.

zoltan said...

Tribe on SNY!!

Whitney said...

Tribe also on MASN. Getting bludgeoned early.

Also in TV tonight... the film Misery. Scary flick, excellent use of Kathy Bates. What channel is it on, you ask?

The Weather Channel. Six cold American suds for anyone who can explain the logic behind that ridiculous programming to me. And "he wrecked his car in a snowstorm" does not cut it. At all. We're 8 minutes in and he's already in her guest bed.

Whitney said...

Whoa - Tribe down 6 at half! The 3-ball was our friend late in the 1st half. I'd say we overachieved thus far. Tribers definitely had some moments that looked like our intramural team going up against the Dream Team, but down 6 at half is a moral victory already.

Ebirt Og!
(Nerdiest school spirit motto ever. Ever.)

TR said...

Knicks have given up 60 points in 21 minutes to the Warriors. On the plus side, Danilo Galinari no longer has a butt part.

rob said...

jim calhoun, nonplussed

rob said...

this is where uconn runs and hides

rob said...

danny sumner appears to be the jamarcus russell of jumpshooting - amusingly bad misses seem to be his forte

Mark said...

"JaMarcus Russell of jumpshooting". I really, really hope that turns up in the next edition of The Ghooghles.

Mark said...

I know you guys are buys watching Tribe basketball but WVU-Cincy's been pretty good so far.

rob said...

pretty nice performance by the tribe tonight. they're more athletic than i expected. they'll lose some ugly ones this year when they don't shoot the jumper well, but they may surprise a few teams on nights when they get good looks.

mayhugh said...

Whit - the weather was the driving subplot of the whole movie. It caused his accident, buried his car (so it couldn't be found, allowing him to sit in a room and write for weeks) and brings the sheriff around investigating once the car was unearthed.

Dan said...

"a few" being the operative phrase there...

rob said...

temple's about to go to 8-2. in football. that's an underrated story.

Dan said...

they're pretty good - beat navy a couple of weeks ago
the 'eers are bound to turn it over here any second

Dan said...

i think bill stewart & charlie pear bryant weis went to the same offensive coordinator school

rob said...

that was some jamarcusian coaching by bill stewart. poor overmatched bastard.

Dan said...

espn insider says tate forcier may be transferring...poor richie rod

Dan said...

jarrett brown is good...too bad stewart only uses him when down at the end of a game.

Mark said...

I thought the same thing about Brown after watching him when they played Auburn...but he turns it over at a high rate and does not pass with consistent accuracy. He seems to have the tools but lack the polish.

rob said...

late to mention that earl boykins is a wizard. nice.

Mark said...

I just heard that at my saturday morning basketball game Rob...nice. Picks post is up...finally.