When these two teams get together, throw out the blahblahblahblah....

If you're watching college football today, and you should be (be a man and tell your wife to hang the fucking Christmas lights herself), you're likely to hear that phrase, or some iteration of it, a couple dozen times. Its old, unoriginal and bland but, you know what? Its largely true. Rivalry games in college football have a long history of memorable moments, game deciding plays and, most of all, monumental upsets that end up destroying one teams season while simultaneously reshaping the way fans look at the underdogs' otherwise disappointing season. Want proof of this? Simply look at the Florida-FSU or the Auburn-Alabama contests being played today. A win for either Auburn or FSU would both be devastating to the favorites and historically joyous for the the underdogs.

That, is precisely why I'm a nervous wreck for Florida's trip into Doak Campbell Stadium in just under 3 hours. I was actually supposed to be in attendance for this game but my girlfriend fell ill over the holiday and we decided against making the trip. Its just as well. If Florida had won I wouldn't have been able to share my joy with any fellow Gators I actually knew, and if Florida loses, oh God, I might end up in a Tallahassee jail for the felonius assault of multiple garnet and gold wearing rednecks. Sometimes, its just smarter to play it safe when rivalry games are concerned.

With that said, I've got some things to do in order to get ready for today's full slate of football, booze and hate so I'll end this with some notes on the rivalry game (Rob, feel free to chip in with some of your Iron Bowl thoughts in the comments) which will command the lion's share of my attention today. Florida-FSU, of course.

- I hate Tennessee, Georgia and Miami, but I absolutely loathe FSU, their fans and pretty much everything associated with the city of Tallahassee. I started attending Florida when FSU was in the middle of their historic run of top 5 finishes and decade long run of brutal ACC raping and pillaging. As a result, I spent many of my early years as a Florida student looking up at FSU in the national rankings and, more often than not, losing at the hands of the Seminoles to close out the regular season. I've never attended a Gator win in Doak Campbell and once had a beer thrown on me by a Nole who was celebrating a clinching score for FSU over Florida (not in Doak, at this shitty bar that's right next to Doak). So, you see, I fucking hate FSU with every fiber of my being. (Also, my entire immediate family went to or owns season tickets to the Noles. My hate is deep rooted and strong.)

- As I said earlier, I'm worried about this game. FSU was embarrassed last year in Ben Hill. They've lost 4 straight to Florida and they have a chance to ruin an otherwise amazing season for the Gators. You couldn't ask for more motivation for FSU in this game, or a better environment in which to exact revenge. If FSU comes out of the gate firing on all cylinders and the crowd in Doak gets behind them, I'm not convinced the Florida's offense doesn't revert to its early season form. (When the Florida offense is good, it is great. When it struggles its a colossal clusterfuck. There is no in between.) Oh yeah, there are also rumors on gator message boards (from reputable sources) that Florida is coming off its worst week of practice since the week before (wait for it) Ole Miss. So that's great.

- The announcers are going to talk a lot about Myron Rolle, and rightfully so. What he's done as an athlete and scholar is an unbelievable feat. But when the announcers start blathering on about how he has to decide whether to go to Oxford or the NFL next year, just go ahead and mute your TV. This isn't a tough decision. Rolle's a brilliant student with a bright future. He's also a very average safety with questionable instincts. He's lucky if he gets drafted before the 5th round. Percy Harvin has a decision about whether or not to enter the NFL Draft. Myron Rolle has a decision about whether or not he's going to start referring to cigarettes as fags or not. Sorry folks, these are the facts.

- You'll hear the announcers talk about how a lot of these guys played with and against each other in high school, which is true. However, the more interesting story line in this game is the number of Gator players who grew up as FSU fans. Guys like the Pouncey twins, Chris Rainey, Deonte Thompson and super frosh Jeff Demps. Florida has dominated FSU in recruiting in recent years and the results should show on the field as the game wears on. ( I look for Demps to play with a special chip on his shoulder and maybe even gets his hands on a punt based on this).

- Florida's defensive line is banged up coming into this game. DT Lawrence Marsh is questionable and his backup, Matt Patchan, is out. The rest of the defense is supposed to be healthy and they'll need it to make up for absence of the teams' most consistent d-lineman and its most active reserve. Besides Marsh and Patchan, the rest of the Gator team comes in to today healthy, but its worth watching the play of the aforementioned Pouncey twins to see where their heads are at after an extremely rough week for their family.

The Pounceys, as much as Tim Tebow, are the heart of the Gator offense and team as a whole. If they come out focused, inspired and ready to play, then I think the Gators can overcome the multitude of factors going against them this afternoon. If not, well, Florida fans will be talking about could'ves and should'ves next week in Atlanta.

Hey, Hey, Hey

Thanks to The Big Lead, the long-running mystery of the current whereabouts of Raj from What's Happening!! has been solved:

No wonder Ocho Cinco keeps changing his name. I wouldn't want Dee to be able to find me, either.

Cool It Now...G:TB's Week 13 NFL Picks

Hold your hats, ladies and gents. The editorial staff of G:TB is back with a whole new edition of picks. Enjoy!

Miami @ St. Louis – pick ‘em
The Parcells factor has been well documented over the last 20 years, but it has never been more ubiquitous than in 2008. The defense is playing tougher, the offensive chicanery is chicanering and Chaz Sexington, serving as the commodore of this offense, is steering this offensive as coolly and steadily as a Somalian pirate at the helm of a Saudi supertanker. The Linehan factor, on the other hand, is more of a wildcard. It encompasses losing, excuses, porous defensive play, hurricanes and more losing. He has taken a mediocre Rams squad and made them an epic disaster. St. Louie fans are booing, Marc Bulger is crying, and Chris Long wishes he was still banging co-eds in the parking lot of the South Street Brewery in Charlottesville. The Rams defense hasn’t hit anybody hard since Leonard Little was drunk and behind the wheel several years ago. With no home-field advantage and no weather issues, Chad will share the love with Ted, Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike. That’s right. In addition to his playmakers, he will get New Edition involved. So cool it now, you’ve got to cool it now, ooooh watch out, you’re gonna lose control. Pick the Fins. (Ed. Note: Mark's an idiot and wrote about the St. Louis-Miami game too. The pick's the same but Mark's an egomaniac and wants you to read his slant on things so he's refused to take down his pick. What an asshole.)

Tennessee (-11) @ Detroit
The early match-up on Turkey Day features the hopeless, hapless, winless Lions against the faux juggernaut Titans. The Lions have shown an ability to take an early lead, but an inability to not suck after taking the lead. They have little talent on either side of the ball, and a fan base that has been feeling down on itself ever since the Insane Clown Posse jumped Eminem 9 years ago. Their beloved Lions are playing so badly that both Alex Karras and George Papadapolis are rolling over in his grave. And neither are dead yet. And most fans are employed by the Big Three automotive companies, who lack both the ability to compete and the ability to seek financial assistance from DC (the district, not the Geofferson).

This burdensome burden rests heavy on the backs of the Lions as they face a 10-1 Titans squad tomorrow. Unfortunately for the Titans, they were slapped around last week by a Jets squad that punched them in the mouth and exposed several flaws. Their run defense is not impenetrable, their offense will abandon the run early and their receivers allow more balls allow more balls to slip through their hands than a Tijuana hooker on a Saturday night (Or TJ on a Tuesday night). These weaknesses will still be in Jeff Fisher’s dyed head as he prepares for the game. And Detroit will muster their last vestiges of self-respect as they avoid being embarrassed on a national stage. Look for them to cover…yet lose by 10. Take the Lions.

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay (+3.5)
Wait a minute, the Bucs are the division leaders, two games better than the Saints in the win column and are playing at home, yet somehow the Saints are favored in this one? (Additional fact that makes this line even more odd: The NFC South has only lost two homes games all year.) I'd like to get all upset and talk about how the Bucs aren't getting any respect but, you see, I like the Saints in this one. Don't get me wrong, I think the Bucs are a better team, but I also think the Saints are especially dangerous now that their collective backs are against the wall. Simply put, I just don't think the Bucs will be able to score enough points to keep pace with a Saints offense that resembles an Arena League team the way they throw it all over the field. By the way, does anybody know any Charger fans? Do they start breaking things whenever they hear somebody mention Drew Brees or when Brees appears on their tvs? I know I would if I was them. I mean, now that its evident that the Chargers window is closing quickly, wouldn't just drive you fucking insane to know that your GM willingly gave up Drew Brees in favor of Phillip Rivers? Can you imagine what the San Diego offense would've/could've been like these last few years if AJ Smith had just re-signed Brees? My god, we're talking one of the all time great offenses here. Well, it seems I've gotten a bit off topic here. Anyway, like I said before, take the Saints.

Miami @ St. Louis (even)
There are some strange lines this week, with this one being the strangest. Did anybody else see Miami give a resurgent New England team all they could handle last Sunday? Has anybody else seen how historically bad this Rams team has been all year? Has anybody ever noticed how completely fucking gay the Dolphin's helmets are? The dolphin on the helmet is wearing a helmet too? Why? Is it a retarded dolphin that wears the helmet for protection or something? Also, why does the helmet that the dolphin is wearing have an "M" on it? If its a Miami Dolphin helmet then it should have the Dolphins' symbol on it, no? Does this dolphin play for the University of Minnesota? I'm really confused.

You know what else? I'm also really sick of Dan Dierdorf mistakenly identifying formations as the "Wildcat" when they clearly aren't (like when Chad Pennington lines up in the shotgun...thats not the Wildcat Dan, its just a QB lined up in the shotgun). Can't we get an intern or somebody in the booth to give Dan a signal when the Dolphins are actually in the Wildcat formation? I would've thought that Dan would have figured it out by now too, but its clearly not happening and I think its time for somebody over at CBS to step in. You know, like an intervention. Speaking of intervention, have you seen the duster episode yet? C'mon already. Just give in and watch it. TJ did and he's been talking about it for weeks now. You'll have plenty of time this weekend and I doubt you want to spend it all with your family. So, grab a can of duster, sit back and enjoy...It's like I'm walking on sunshine! And taking the Dolphins.

Pittsburgh (+1) @ New England
The Patriots seem to be surging as Matt Cassell is developing to the point where he can captain this well-armed warship. It pretty much clicked for the Pats moments after Norfolk, VA's own Bob Molinaro wrote this in the vomitorium he calls a column in the local paper. It's worth a quick click to see such insight and prescience as:

"Absent Brady, the Patriots are, at best, average. I suspect they'll only get worse as the year progresses and New England's limited offense finds it more difficult to cover up for the failures of the team's aging defense.

Then, maybe, people will begin to see Belichick for what he actually is: a decent coach who carried a modest portfolio until he lucked into the greatest quarterback of the current era, if not of all time.

Without Brady around to pull the fat out of the fire and take New England to four Super Bowls, would Belichick be recognized for his game-planning wizardry or simply as a dour, suspicious, hoody-wearing crank?"

Since Mollie wrote that in October, New England has gone 4-2; the two losses are at Indy (who seems to be resurging themselves) and against the Jets, everyone's pick as top AFC team right now. Both losses were by three points, with the Jets game going to OT. Seems Norfolk's resident genius was throwing dirt on the Pats' doorstep, not their coffin. That's just impolite. Gracious, is he just not very good at what he does, and he's sullying an otherwise fine newspaper.

Meanwhile, the Steelers are increasingly banged up, on the road, and absent a single win over a true Super Bowl contender this year. (Sadly, the Redskins have fallen from that status.) So, who is G:TB taking??

The Steelers. Thanks, Rob. (He says: "I just have a lot of confidence in the Steeler defense's ability to pressure Cassel and the Patriots have no appreciable run game to slow the Steeler pass rush.") It's the lock of the week. For the love of Pete, where's the damn hide-a-key?

(pick 5 coming shortly...)

Standings Update
It's been a while since we reviewed the standings of this ill-conceived wager. That's probably because for a while the Wheelhomers were doing the math for us, and as you can see, it hasn't been good news for them over the last few weeks. Here you go, boys.

Record thru games of Oct 19, as reported at the Wheelhouse:
"Wheelhouse: 21-14-0
G:TB, LLC: 16-19-0"

Since then:
Games of Oct 26
W: 22-17-1
G: 18-22

Nov 2
W: 24-20-1
G: 22-23

Nov 9
W: 27-22-1
G: 26-24

Nov 16
W: 29-25-1
G: 30-25

Nov 23 (CURRENT TALLY)
W: 32-27-1
G: 34-26

We Gheorghers have gone 16-4 over the last four weeks. Just based on the idiocy trying to pick and post games this week, looks like we'll come crashing back to earth.

Happy Turkey Day, turkeys.

See You Next Tuesday!

Yeah . . . so we're still waiting on a couple of stragglers to give us their take on the new GN'R album Chinese Democracy. Let's do this -- you guys listen to it a few times over the Thanksgiving holiday, and we will post the group review next Tuesday, December 2. Sorry for the delay, but trust us . . . you'll be thankful for it when it's out!

Quick Announcement

Just a placeholder . . . it seems that some but not all of us (not mentioning any names... yet) have compiled their thoughts on the new GN'R album Chinese Democracy. We promise to have it up sometime tomorrow.

The Ghoogles

The latest and greatest from the smorgasbord of searches that brought readers to G:TB from around the globe (more than a few of whom are obviously deranged and frankly scary) :

• "chinese democracy"
• slang click clack
• meg bulger bartender
• meg bulger sideline interview
• firefighters sex encounters
• huggy low down
• curt schilling's wife
• alfonso ribeiro shirtless
• thursdays with maury
• maura sullivan xmas eve in washington
• "christmas eve in washington"
• Christmas Eve in Washington
• christmas eve in washington
• "christmas eve in washington" maura sullivan
• christmas eve in washington song
• "bruce chen" myspace baseball
• stan kasten email phone number
• seasons greetings mother fucker
• steve tevere dismount
• back like cooked crack
• nfl gay
• amen sung at university of maryland football games
• pompatus
• "making fuck"
• i've been to the desert on a horse
• steak and bacon melt subway blog
• snl kevin kline italian flatulence
• what the fuck is robs problem
• beavis butt-head birthday
• bet caa blog drexel
• "bananarammers"
• Randy Newman :Kiss Me
• jason kidd armpit
• What basketball teams do Donnel and Ronnel Taylor play for?
• pizzeria uno bartender bobby moynihan
• what was james madison's favorite game to play in his childhood when he was 5-6
• Ryan Atwood, Fluffer
• every halloween the trees are full of underwear
• fabulous wealthy tarts
• costas buckhead
• beastie boys same old bullshit blogs
• jj hardy girlfriend
• bacon steak um melt subway
• dewon brazelton custody battle
• dick vermeil christmas song 12 days of christmas

I get quite a chuckle out of the (apparently several) poor souls who searched on Maura Sullivan's seminal Christmas Eve in Washington and found themselves sucked into the G:TB vortex.

A Very Special Futile Superfans Holiday

An ignominious autumn Saturday for the alma mater, as the William & Mary football team fell, 23-20, in overtime to arch-rival Richmond after committing 7 turnovers and the Tribe cagers went two better (worse?), succumbing to Navy, 102-99 in triple overtime. The loss to Richmond spelled the end of W&M’s 1-AA playoff aspirations, while the defeat at the hands of Navy may be a foreshadowing of a temporary (definitely temporary – in Tony Shaver G:TB trusts) return to times we don’t like to talk about at cocktail parties.

The Tribe carries a 1-3 record into the Thanksgiving break, when they face a fairly glamour-free set of matchups with Radford, South Carolina State, and either Liberty or Coker (I don’t know what that latter thing is, either). Anything less than 3-0 really isn’t all that good.

Tuesday, November 25 – Radford (2-1) @ William & Mary

As I’ve said before, and will undoubtedly say again, I think it’s phenomenal that Radford University chose to honor the criminally underrated Christopher Lambert with their mascot. The Highlanders (ironically, there are more than one…Houghton College, MacMurray College, New Jersey Institute of Technology, and the University of California, Riverside share the moniker) just gave UVA a scare, which may or may not mean anything, since Dave Leitao’s bunch is fairly dreadful. Nonetheless, Brad Greenberg’s squad is touted as a favorite in the Big South, mostly based on the fact that they return five starters (from a 20-loss team). Three days ago, I’d have written this off as an easy win for the Tribe, but today finds me in a pensive mood regarding the Green and Gold. They should win this one, but it’s no sure thing.

Saturday, November 28 – South Carolina State vs. William & Mary (@ Lynchburg, VA)

The Bulldogs are 3-0 as of this writing, having beaten Erskine, Allen, and Carver Bible College. At least W&M’s playing real colleges. Tribe should roll over their MEAC foe.

Sunday, November 29 – Liberty/Coker vs. William & Mary (@ Lynchburg, VA)

If W&M doesn’t play Liberty here, then something has gone really wrong (for either the Tribe or the Flames). So much so that I’m not even bothering to do any “research” on Coker. I assume it’s a small school from either North Carolina or Virginia, and may or may not be named for something related to coal mining. As for Liberty, hopes are high after the Flames landed Stephen Curry’s younger brother as the cornerstone of a top-50 recruiting class (Really? Liberty? Someone call the NCAA – this smells loaves and fishy, and using divine miracles is clearly a recruiting violation.) For the Tribe’s sake, let’s assume Liberty’s a year away from turning that into success on the court. W&M takes this one by a dozen.

Monday Morning Metal

It's entirely possible I've forced this video upon you before (though I actually think it was TS's other huge hit), but whatever, watch it again and enjoy even if that's the case. I'm a tad busy building a dirty bomb to send to 97.1 WASH FM. Oh yeah, how 'bout those J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets?

G:TB's Week 12 NFL Picks: You Don't Mess with the Zo(lt)han

San Francisco @ Dallas (-11)

Meatloaf is delicious, and underrated. On a chilly fall evening like the ones we're currently experiencing in the Mid-Atlantic, it's hard to beat a warm, moist, perfectly spiced hunk of baked ground beef glazed with a vaguely ketchuppy substance. Sometimes, a stew is nice, too, or a hearty winter soup. You can fuck right off with your sweet potatoes, though. I presume that Meatloaf, the singer, is less delicious, but he's probably equally underrated. I like the Cowboys to cover. And meatloaf. The food.

****************
Indianapolis (+3) at San Diego
Things we know: The Colts' offense is getting healthy. Norv Turner will be coaching San Diego Sunday night. Norv Turner will be coaching San Diego in 2009. LT is running on empty (but not like Jackson Browne sang about so many years ago). People believe in Peyton's arm more than they believe in Norval's brain.

Peter King likes the Chargers. He busted out the misleading stat that the Chargers haven't lost at home since Week 2. That's because they lost at home on Week 1. Ease up on the lattes, Petey! The Chargers are two games behind a smelly Broncos squad in the AFC West race. That makes them a terrible team. Enough said on that. The Colts will throw and run all over the hobbled San Diego defense in the balmy southern California air. They will have their "we're-definitely-back-in-the-thick-of-the-playoff-race" moment on Sunday night because they are fired up to play in a town named after a whale's vagina. Actually, that's not true. Nobody knows what San Diego means. Take the Colts. And sip on three fingers of Glenlivet while watching the game.

****************
Giants @ Arizona (+3)
You know what's fucking fantastic? The new Steak n' Bacon melt from Subway. I know, I know, Subway is the worst place to get a good sandwich that any of us could imagine and the food there is anything but fresh. Listen to me, disregard everything you know about Subway and get yourself one of these fine flatbread sandwiches. If you are hungover come Sunday morning (and you should be) take a trip up to your local Subway, make sure to never make eye contact with the troll, er, sandwich artist making your sandwich and get your ass back to the house in time for the 1 pm kickoff. I guarantee you it will not only be delicious but also just greasy enough to stem the tide of your "fuck, I'm 30 and this hurts way more than it used to" hangover.

What does all that have to do with this game? Do I have to spell everything out for you people?
See, Kurt Warner is Subway. He rose to prominence in the early 2000s with the Rams (Jared campaign) before quickly falling back to the pack of average NFL signal callers. Now, he's back to shredding defenses ($5 footlooongs) and praising Jeebus at every turn. Sadly, much like the Steak n' Bacon, Warner's resurgence is for a limited time only. He's going to get crushed by a relentless Giants pass rush on Sunday and Arizona's going to be eliminated in the first round of the upcoming playoffs. The Cardinals, like Subway, are only good in comparison to the rest of the NFC West (fast food). Take the Giants.

****************

Philadelphia @ Baltimore (-1.5)

Believe it or not, there is actually a Vegas line for back to back ties in the NFL (that's in the regular season for those classy QB's reading at home). It currently stands at 569 to 1. While I don't think I'd take even those odds, this will be a close game. The Ravens defense has been on a Ray Ray-imposed penance of raw meat and pickle juice since last week's embarassing performance versus the G-boys; so a safety or two will be the difference here. G:TB likes the Ravens in this one. Blackbirds win it 5-3.

G:TB Album of the . . . Time Period

Sunday is the day you've been waiting for! And by "you" I mean you, Bill Bailey. (Bill's more commonly known as W. Axl Rose.)

For Sunday, November 23 marks the day that the long-promised, not-as-long-awaited album Chinese Democracy appears in store. (sic, as it's only available at Best Buy). It's a piece of work that 's been worked on, scrapped, re-scheduled, mocked, announced, postponed, postponed again, mocked some more, finally finished, and shipped to Best Buys around the country for distribution this . . . Sunday? Apparently it's been so long that Axl has forgotten that albums traditionally get released on Tuesdays. Oh, I see, he's being irreverent, like when he donned the corn rows and when he smoked out of that cigarette extension holder thing. Good stuff.

Anyway, I don't know if there's any truth to the rumor that Axl just wanted a free Dr. Pepper (get yours online starting Sunday), but it's happening. Of course, lost in all of this is the music, and whether it will be reminiscent of the glory days of Slash, Izzy, & Duff or just dreck that the assemblage of GN'R wannabes who now comprise the roster churn out. We shall see (hear).

Gheorghe: The Blog / Music Division, despite the tone of this post, is going to take the high road and give Chinese Democracy the benefit of the doubt. We will purchase the record (that was for you, Mark), each take an extended listen, and conduct a group review of the album. This way you'll know whether it's worth the money to buy (or effort to pirate). We're cool like that . . . plus, it's been a rather dry autumn for album releases.

The review of Chinese Democracy will be posted on Gheorghe on Tuesday, November 25. Get fired up!

Something to hold you over until the Picks Post

It's not even Thanksgiving people, and yet this holiday gem was awaiting me as I flipped stations this morning on my way to the cracker factory:

Screw you 97.1 WASH FM.

King of the Dorks

In which we continue to celebrate the sublimely mediocre and the depth of human spirit required to keep marching forward despite overwhelming evidence that it's pointless.

Texas Tech/Oklahoma is sucking nearly all of the oxygen out of the college football atmosphere this weekend (I'll be in Norfolk celebrating the Tribe's effort against Richmond, so here's hoping Whitney and I can get the kids to bed and the wives distracted enough to watch it), but there's another bragging-rights game that is fascinating for a far different reason.


You'll hear a lot of noise in the next few weeks about one win making a team's season, as the Michigans, Auburns, and Armys of the world try to rationalize dismal campaigns. In the confrontation between Horshack and Screech, it might actually be true.

The 0-10 Huskies of Washington travel out to the Palouse to tangle with the 1-10 Washington State Cougars in the annual Battle for the Apple Cup. UDub is a bad, bad football team, as their winless record eloquently attests. Lame duck coach Ty Willingham's boys have been rolled by teams good and bad, only staying within single digits in losses to BYU (28-27) and Stanford (35-28). They've lost each of their last six Pac-10 tilts by more than 20 points.

But there's bad, and then there's Wazzu. The Cougars have already set a Pac-10 record for most points allowed in a season, with 533 - and they have two games still to play. They haven't kept a conference game within 25 points all season. Scratch that. They haven't kept an FBS game within 25 points all season (their lone win came against a bad FCS squad in Portland State). Wazzu is the worst team in the history of modern major-college football.

WSU's so bad they're a 7 1/2 point underdog. At home. Against a winless team. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Lay the lumber, Danny. Bet the farm. Round up all the apples and make Daddy a pie, 'cause Ty's getting himself a W this week.

And as a sad and cruel coda, both teams still have to play another game after this shitshow. UW goes to California to close their season, while WSU goes to Honolulu to take on Hawaii in what may well be the worst FBS game in 2008. Next to, you know, the Apple Cup.

It's the title of this article that really got me

Driver loses control after sneeze, hits river

BOSTON (AP) - An untimely sneeze nearly cost Andrew Hanson his life. The 42-year-old Weymouth man told authorities that a sneeze caused him to lose control of his pickup on Soldiers Field Road and plunge into Boston's Charles River on Tuesday.

Hanson was able to wade to shore after escaping from the truck, which was partially submerged in 4 feet of water. He was not seriously injured but was taken to a hospital as a precaution.

Lawrence Callahan of the Massachusetts Department of Conservation and Recreation said Hanson told him that after he sneezed, "the next thing he knew he was in the river."

I mean, I guess he's lucky he didn't sneeze and hit, oh, a tree I guess. Or a brick wall. Or the broadside of a barn. But really, not to play semantics here, but can someone really "hit a river"? A river, especially the Charles, is pretty hard not to "hit" if careening out of control in Boston. Am I being a callous pissant this morning? Absolutely.

Weekly Exercise in Superfan Futility

It seems like only yesterday we stepped up, if only briefly, from the ignominy of futility to the comparative glory of mediocrity. I think we all remember the words of an unknown but masterfully understated undergraduate, who opined via posterboard, “That Just Happened”. Now that we’ve tasted the sweet, sweet nectar of almost being good enough to get hammered by a #2 seed in the NCAA tournament (tastes a little like slightly overripe avocado), we’ll stop at nothing to have it again*.

After a lackluster, though probably predictable opening weekend in the dreary midwest, the 0-2 William and Mary Tribe return to bucolic Williamsburg to host a pair of out-of-conference tilts. And G:TB picks up where we left off as the internet’s 3rd or 4th leading purveyor of obscure W&M hoops previews and arcana.

Wednesday, November 19 – Norfolk State @ William and Mary

Get a load of Norfolk State's logo. Unless I miss my guess, that's supposed to be a female Spartan in full battle regalia there on the right. That's a historical inaccuracy of epic proportion. And there's nothing that fires up William and Mary kids more than historical inaccuracies, except maybe grammatical errors. In an homage to NSU's most famous alum, the Tribe breaks out the Venus Flytrap defense and beats the Spartans by 15.

Saturday, November 22 – Navy @ William and Mary

David Robinson’s not walking through that door. Neither is his brother, Chuck, who wasn’t nearly as good. Vernon Butler isn’t walking through that door, and if he did, I wouldn't recognize him. The Middies lost to W&M's conference brethren Towson by 18 to open their season. This is another one Danny Sumner, David Schneider, Peter Stein, and the boys should win easily.

Sumner's the only Tribe player averaging double figures after two games, and even he's only shooting 42.3% from the floor - which is admittedly better than the team's overall 40.6% mark. Newcomer and Arkansas transfer Sean McCurdy's dropped 8 dimes to date, but turned the ball over 10 times. The Tribe's only connecting on 26.3% of its 3-point attempts while yielding a 48.5% rate to their opponents. We're gonna chalk all these bleak numbers up to small sample size and assume that the good guys right the ship this week at home.

* - Overstated for effect, as a) we actually have no bearing on whether we get to taste anything in this metaphor, and b) there are probably limits to how far we’d go to taste this (again, metaphorical) nectar. Maybe not for Whitney, though, he’s pretty much a slave to his impulses.

Suck It, Randy Newman

I give you the 2008 American League MVP. He's the one in his dad's arms.

The newest fad in road rage:

Throwing dangerous objects at the target of your abject hatred

I hate everyone on the road as much as the next person (especially Maryland drivers), but I must say, I had yet to ponder throwing shit at them in my usual fit of rage (the only kind of "fit" that can actually be attributed to me). First up, we have Colonel Mustard in the HOV Lane with the Wrench:

Motorist accused of throwing wrench at vehicle
PORT ORCHARD, Wash. (AP) - A 32-year-old man was booked and jailed for investigation of reckless endangerment and fourth-degree assault on Friday after allegedly throwing a wrench at another vehicle on a highway.

The tool broke a vehicle's driver's-side window, showering glass inside the vehicle, and struck the driver in his left shoulder on State Highway 16. The man driving the vehicle wasn't injured.

The State Patrol said investigators were unable to determine the reason for the assault.

Witnesses traveling westbound on the highway told troopers the man had been passing vehicles and traveling at a high rate of speed when he threw the wrench "for no apparent reason."

But not to be outdone, we have this lunatic in Nebraska, who wanted to take it up a notch (BAM!):

Driver sentenced for throwing axe at motorist
LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) - A driver who threw an axe at another motorist, wounding him, has been sentenced to 37 days in jail. The man, 51, was sentenced Friday in Lancaster County Court for third-degree assault and criminal mischief after pleading no contest to the charges.

Authorities said two vehicles were traveling near an intersection on June 13 and one cut in front of the other, prompting both vehicles to stop. The man threw a 3-foot axe through the other driver's passenger window, striking him in the ribs with the blunt end.

Sure, this guy is off his rocker, but let's hear it for his axe-throwing skills. Not since Chavez y Chavez has a man so accurately thrown an axe.

rob saves the day

"Walter, he peed on my rug..."

At 7:30pm Halloween night, this is what your Doofus Overlord came up with as his first Halloween costume in roughly five years...

"That rug really tied the room together"

Donovan McNabb is very anti-sister kissing

What a horrendous post title. I don't care. I just want to know if McNabb was being a wiseass or if he really did not know that NFL regular season games could end in a tie, in which case he is dumber than Brock Berlin:

"I didn't know that," said McNabb, who played a leading role in keeping it tied. "I've never been part of a tie. I never even knew it was in the rule book. I was looking forward to getting the opportunity to get out there and try to drive to win the game. But unfortunately with the rules, we settled with a tie."

It was the first tied game in the NFL since Nov. 10, 2002, when the Falcons and Steelers finished 34-34 with Michael Vick and Tommy Maddox matching each other pass for pass. In this one, the teams matched each other gaffe for gaffe.

You know, on a hunch, I decided to go look at that 2002 season, and guess what team just happened to play the Falcons in the playoffs that year? Yep, Donovan and his Eagles. You telling me McNabb saw the Falcons 9-6-1 record and thought the little "1" off to the side was a typo? What a dumbass.

That is all.

GTB's Week 11 NFL Picks: These Go to Eleven

Good morning.
Most of the staff is out of town today (an infrequently used euphemism for impotence), so I've been given the honor of collecting our guys' picks and posting them. The good thing is that I don't actually have to make any picks, since I've proven myself way out of my element. Enjoy what the keen minds at Gheorghe have brought you this week, and as always, good luck deciphering whose is whose without name tags:

Minnesota (+3.5) @ Tampa Bay
I don't know why I keep picking Bucs games. It’s not like I know what I’m doing when I pick these games, or even what day it is, thanks to Teejay Brand Tobacco. But here’s a trivia question for you: who leads the NFL in rushing? Nope, not Clinton Portis any more, not LaDainian Tomlinson (now that he’s completely mediocre he’s stripped of the “LT” title; he’s more “LD” these days), not Mike Alstott... no, it’s Adrian Peterson, the only man with over 1,000 yards to date. How do my beloved Butt Buccaneers hold him off? They don’t. He runs hog-wild around, over, and through the Tampa D like Geoff in a Dupont Circle laundromat after too much pink zinfandel. The Bucs instead rely on the inevitable, eventual downfall of Gus the kicking mule. Hear me now and believe me later: Gus throws for 275 yards, 2 TD’s, 4 INT’s, and one head-butt of the pirate ship. And one of those picks comes back for a TD... or I eat a big steak-n-tot breakfast burrito from Sonic.

Also worth noting: I use multiple paragraphs every time I review a game. Why can't I be more succinct? Well, fuck you, Burr. Take the Tampax out of your ass (still talking to you, hair gelly donut) and take Tampa to cover (now speaking to everyone).

Dallas (-1.5) @ Washington
This pains me. After the Skins go and face the peril in Dallas, coming out victorious, they now have to host the Cowgirls with one arm and one leg lopped off. ‘Tis but a scratch, so says Jim Zorn, but we know better. It’s too perilous. Cowboys 19, Redskins 10. (I bet you’re gay.)

Oakland (+10.5) @ Miami
The Raiders are poop. Not a little bit poopy but total and utter excrement. Poop like the Jets’ drafts from Johnny “Lam” Jones well into the modern era.



(And Burr, blow me for making fun of my use of YouTube and then doing it yourself. You love me. Smile, you love me.)

But what do we know about poop? Sometimes it gets on your shoe, and that makes you angry. Not enough to ruin your day, but enough to agitate you. Not enough to win this game, but enough to stay within 10.5 points and agitate the ‘fins. Not enough to take the title like Magnum T.A. against Tully Blanchard in the 1985 “I Quit” Cage Match, but enough to be pests, like Ole & Arn Anderson. It’s like creeper dope , the kind you dismiss as total rag because your high school cousin bought it, but then when you’re laughing out loud at reruns of Kenan & Kel on Nickelodeon at 4 in the morning, you start to realize that while still crap at its core it can still tweak reality and make its presence felt. That’s the Raiders. Seed-filled, stem-filled, nearly-oregano, cheap-assed rag weed. God bless em. Raiders.

Baltimore (+6.5) @ NY Giants
Gang Green won last night, vindicating me and elating fellow G:TB mastermind TeeJet. Sunday will be the other Meadowlands inhabitants' time to shine, which doesn’t make anyone around these parts all that pleased. The Giants are like the peep show jerk-off bin in Times Square; lots of folks in other parts of the country don’t want to believe that they exist, but they get the job done, even if it ain’t pretty. Brandon Jacobs reminds me a good deal of the menu at a recent “Feats of Eating” battle in which I took bronze. By that I mean he’s a side of beef, a huge rump roast, one andouille, and two meatballs all served on a plastic tray with “Rahway Sheraton” printed on it. Look for a pair of trips into the soft, wet, pink, promised land for him. (Sorry, Cinemax Late Night was on last night.) Joe Flacco, meanwhile, reminds me far too much of the horrendous gas I had after 3AM Jack-in-the-Box in Spartanburg, SC on Spring Break junior year. Make what you will of that comparison.
Prediction: Giants cover, winning 23-14.

Tennessee (-3) @ Jacksonville
I’m really not too good at this whole “gambling” thing. It’s why I don't actually wager money on these picks, just the good name of my good friends at Gheorghe. (Except Mark, whom I loathe. So should you.) Whenever I have a notion on who will win, I threaten to call Swint’s bookie, only to choose instead to merely mention it in a G:TB comment and soon thereafter see that prediction rendered idiotic. It's all part of why I keep my job down at the Wonka factory rather than go into bookmaking.

I like to root for the little guy, ‘cause, y’know, I’m wee. I root for the oppressed. I’m not talking “little guy” like Little Danny Starfucker or “little guy” like the Coney in Whitney’s underjohnnies. I’m talking underdogs. Like Barack Obama, baby. (Memo to Geoff: it wasn’t just a nightmare . . . the man of color is president. Deal with it.) It’s like Jay Barker used to say: “Red . . . 32 . . . hey, Auburn . . . Fuck you.” Jags win this outright, rendering all the talk about the Titans going undefeated about as relevant as Titanic. (Which, yes, I saw in the theater. Screw you, Mark. I'm old and gay.)

The Feud is Over...

No, not the feud between Burr and I. That, like Greg's herpes, will never die. I'm speaking of the long running feud I've had with Sonic. As some of you may have realized during my time on the staff here at G:TB, I'm completely irrational. I find slights where there are none and I create feuds where other people find joy and fulfillment. Its my gift. For example, I refused to even try a Gatorade flavor that was introduced after Citrus Cooler (mmmm) for almost a decade (maybe longer, I'm not going to bother looking up when CC was introduced). Why? Because I took offense at Gatorade creating all these bullshit flavors like Mango and Riptide Rush (Seriously, what the fuck?) and wasn't going to let my consumerism be a part of the problem. I alone will fight the power. Alas, I am only a man and finally relented when Gatorade introduced Lemonade as a flavor a couple of years back. It was a good choice, the lemonade flavor is truly amazing, A triumph in flavor engineering, if you will.

Why am I telling you all this? Because while my boycott of the new Gatorade flavors may have died a lonely death, my boycott of Sonic has been going strong for years now. It really doesn't make sense. I mean, this "restaurant" serves tater tots, has a plethora of drink/shake options, and is constantly revamping its menu with new and innovative (if extremely unheallthy) food options. However, like I said, I am extremely dedicated and irrational. So, I held firm. I've never so much as set foot on Sonic property and wasn't about to let their original menu or entertaining commercials (see below...thanks Whit) sway me. That is, until last night. Evidently, Sonic now offers something called "Sausage Biscuit Dippers". Which is essentially three small sausage biscuits with milk gravy to dip them in.

Consider my white flag waved, people of Sonic, Inc. I can no longer keep fighting the good fight. You've successfully tapped into my inner southern fat kid and you've finally broken me. I don't know when I'll be making my first trip to Sonic but its a sure bet it will be soon and I'll be consuming some Sausage Biscuit Dippers with a side of tater tots. I am, after all, only human.

Hello, Part Two

For the one or fewer of you that want - really want- a glimpse into my soul. I've got a lot of Will Leitch in me. The text at that link reads as if I wrote it, embarrassed self-consciousness and all. I'm not proud. But I am adamant.

Hello...is it me you're looking for?

I'm back from Orlando for about 24 hours, then off to Charlotte for work (seriously, could I have plannned my work travel any worse?), but I thought I'd pop in and do what I do best. Or rather, I'd let Lionel do it for me (skip to the 5:00 mark if you just want to laugh at the sculpture):

Return of the Futile Superfans

While most of the G:TB staff was killing braincells and supporting Florida's economy over the past week, all of us were aggressively ignoring the rapid approach of the college basketball season. Michael Litos has previewed the part of it we care about, so we'll skip the part where we actually do research and get right down to the highlights.

William and Mary's cagers jump right in this year, eschewing their traditional early season light fare to take on Penn State in Happy Valley and solid mid-major Ohio in Athens this weekend. Friday's game against the Nittany Lions is on the Big Ten Network at 6:30 - that's mandatory viewing for the G:TB readership. No, seriously, if you don't watch it we won't give you the new password.

After those moderately tough but winnable roadies, the Tribe's got six straight out-of-conference flyweights before CAA favorite VCU comes to Willamsburg. If Tony Shaver's boys are any worse than 7-4 when the calendar turns to 2009, we may need to shelve all those happy feelings we dusted off in March.

Either way, we'll be here providing your indispensable and poorly considered Tribe hoops arcana.

Case of the Mondays

Bogged down today by the demands of the workaday world. Sure wish I was with Teejay, who's spent the last few days doing this:

Happy Gay NFL Sunday

The irony of the choice of a cover of Morrissey's Every Day is Like Sunday as part of the NFL's current advertising campaign is not lost on G:TB. Because what football fan doesn't love songs about the melancholy of a seaside town in winter penned by famously, fabulously morose gay sex symbols?

GTB's Week 10 NFL Picks: Revenge of the Doofus Overlord

Jacksonville @ Detroit (-7)

Remember when everybody was picking Jacksonville for the Super Bowl? Remember when David Garrard was the league's next up and coming QB? Remember when Jack The River was considered one the league's brightest young coaches? Okay, scratch that last one. The point here is that Jacksonville was supposedly a team on the rise coming into this year. However, a slew of injuries has decimated this team and quickly exposed them as a unit that's not nearly as good as many thought. The injuries to the Jaguar O-Line have severely weakend Jacksonville's ability to run the ball and placed a ton of pressure on David Garrard which has exposed the former East Carolina signal caller as an average passer (Jeff Blake he is not) who's best when he can take advantage of defenses stacking the box to stop Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor. Garrard's middling ability coupled with the paucity of playmakers within the Jaguar receiving corps has rendered Jacksonville's offense a punchless unit, unable to make up for a defense that's no longer as fierce as in year's past due to the loss of key players because of injury and free agency defection. So, you see...it shouldn't surprise anybody that Jacksonville sucks this year. With that said, Jacksonville is a long way from being as bad as Detroit and there's no way that Daunte Culpepper is agile enough (physically or mentally) to come out handle a Jaguar team still clinging to the slimmest of playoff hopes. Jacksonville's season is over if they lose in Motown, so take the Jags.

Kansas City @ San Diego (-15)

When the hell are people going to realize that San Diego just isn't that good? The defense is completely average without Shawne Merriman 'roid raging his way to the QB off the edge and it sure seems like LT has hit the wall - he's Eddie George'd (As in: No, he's done. Totally Eddie George'd). I know we're supposed to believe that his lack of production is all due to his toe injury, but I'm not buying it. He's accrued (ed note: nice, an accounting shoutout) a ton of mileage over the past 5-6 years and running backs can only withstand that kind of usage and pounding for so long before they completely fall apart (kind of like porn stars...where art thou Kobe Tai?). Meanwhile, Tyler Thigpen isn't all that bad. He's got a lot of Josh McCown in him and can make plays with his legs and arm. On top of that, the Chiefs found some success in the run game last week by using Jamaal Charles in the Wildcat, as the Bucs allowed a 100 yard rusher for the first time all year. I've got a feeling that Herm Edwards can inspire the troops enough to keep them from losing by two TDs. That hope we can all believe in. Yes We (the Chiefs) Can!

New Orleans @ Atlanta (-0.5)

Why does a 0.5 line exist? I mean are the odds makers such pussies that they worry about a tie? C'mon, you're just doing this to annoy me aren't you? Moving on, the Saints, like Playboy magazine and the good ole US of A, will click despite the absence of Bush. A matchup of MVP vs. Rookie of the Year will be an intriguing story. But, the veteran will prevail here - Saints win 27.5-27.

Green Bay @ Minnesota (-2.5)

This will be an interesting game of polar opposite offensive attacks. The Pack will rely heavily on Rodgers' arm against a suspect (with pardons to Mr. Sharper) secondary, while the Vikings will ride A-Pete's back as long as he can hold them up. This is probably a field goal game, so the 2.5 points the Vikes lay doesn't scare me here. Minny wins it 23-20; possibly in overtime.

Carolina @ Oakland (+9)

I see in my local fishwrap that Redskins owner Little Starfucker has expressed interest in DeAngelo Hall. The same DeAngelo Hall that just got cut by the Raiders. The same Raiders who just got pantsed by the Falcons and currently define train wreck in an NFL context. So we're almost assured of seeing Hall in maroon and black by this time next week. Well, 6-3 cures a lot of ills. Bygones. (Yeah, that's right, I just dropped an Ally McBeal reference. Also, my name is TJ.)

Speaking of the Raiders, they suck. Did you see that game last week, Jack? They suck. Carolina, very quietly, doesn't suck. The Raiders, though, suck. A lot. More than 10 points worse than the Panthers, in fact.

I'm TJ, and I approve this message.

G:TB Song of the...Time Period

In honor of the forthcoming (and interminably awaited) Chinese Democracy, a look back at when Guns n' Roses was actually relevant.

We Got Next

Word on the street is that newly elected President Barack Obama plans to replace the fabled (if somewhat anachronistic) White House bowling alley with a basketball court, in keeping with longstanding Presidential prerogative.

Until now, my pickup hoops dream has been to get invited to Cal Ripken's house to play at his legendary gym, complete with full scoreboard and NBA team uniforms. I'm reconsidering now, though - it'd be more than a little cool to take POTUS off the dribble.

Thoughts, boys and girls? What's your fantasy run?

Sorry Folks

Teejay's winging his way down the coast this morning, headed for Orlando and a few days of wearing socks with sandals and trying hard not to kill his coworkers. He left me in charge, but requested we begin the day with this:


Who am I to refuse our Doofus Overlord a little good cheer?

Barack the President

Near the confluence of the three mighty rivers, a confluence of a different sort, as new President-elect Barack Obama and William and Mary’s own Mike Tomlin share a moment last week. If Obama’s half as successful in Washington over the next few years as Tomlin’s Steelers were on Monday night, we’ll all be smiling.

For my (meager, at least apparently compared to the GTB commentariat) money, the best line of Obama's victory speech last night, "And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn - I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too."

You didn't come here for politics, so the customary silliness, poop jokes, and YouTubes will resume in short order.

Photo courtesy of the D.C. Sports Bog via Friend of G:TB Shlara.

"Rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick a knife through your eye"

When a bit's this good, why let it go? Come join in the fun and games as cnn.com's new political wunderkinds (that would be us) break down all the races you wish you were watching instead of Musgrove/Wicker for one of Mississippi's Senate seats. As a wise man replied all this morning, "Inanity is our forte, so I don't see why we wouldn't proceed"...

Urban Meyer vs. Mark Richt
Weekend polling swung heavily toward Meyer as this battle of smarmy, Teutonic ballcoaches neared the finish line. Pundits wonder whether Meyer’s gratuitous use of timeouts will hurt him as the voters take pen in hand to make their final decisions. The winner of this runoff likely faces the uber-slime of Alabama’s Nick Saban to see who represents the South in the Big Election in January.

Chris Berman vs. Scott Van Pelt
In this corner, a caricature of a caricature of a once-relevant icon. In this corner, a neurotic, goofy, humbly affable sportscaster. Let’s get ready to rummmbllllllle.

The Escape Club's "Wild, Wild West" vs. Neneh Cherry's "Buffalo Stance"
The Escape Club hit #1 with "Wild, Wild West" in 1988, and gave the world one of the most overquoted lyrics ever, or at least until January 1, 1990 hit. Neneh Cherry also hit #1 in 1988 (I think, I'm too lazy to scour Billboard.com) with "Buffalo Stance" and was roundly criticized for performing the song 8 months pregnant on some British Seacrest-type show. I'm going Cherry by absentee ballot W...mainly because I forgot how awful the Escape Club video was.

Spencer Hawes vs. Etan Thomas
Been a rough couple weeks for young Hawes, one of the NBA’s most outspoken Republicans, as his Sactown Kings opened the season 0-4 and his home state of Washington has been bathing in a deep indigo hue. Free versing Thomas, on the other hand, stepped back on the court after spending 2008 recovering from heart surgery and logged serious hours working for the progressive side of the political aisle. While both of these gentlemen will wake up tomorrow playing for miserable basketball teams, at least one of them will be happy about the electoral college.

Stephon Marbury vs. Sanity
This race has surprisingly tightened up in the last week as Mr. Marbury has managed to avoid saying/doing the typical insane things a Starbury is prone to do. Despite falling behind early by unveiling a tattoo of a logo on his head, he has climbed back into the race, despite accumulating a pair of DNPs and not even dressing for his team's third game. Pundits suspect Marbury will emerge victorious, forcing Knicks management to trade or cut him. At that point, look for Mark Cuban or Phil Jackson to swoop in, sign the man and allow all parties to wallow in the Marbury's resurgent lunacy.

NY Times Crossword Puzzles vs. Video Billiards
Otherwise known as the battle between the two things Rhymo enjoys doing most while squeezing out a deuce, this race has ebbed and flowed in recent months. The Times has suffered from lack of consistent visibility next to the sofas in his company's reception area. Without being present, it is hard for Rhymo to pilfer it for his mid-morning squat while chatting with the receptionists. Billiards has been making inroads, but the poor shot selections of the computer foe takes some of the fun away from winning. It's like winning at pool against a mentally challenged person. Or Isiah Thomas. Look for the stalwart Times to win out in this battle of porcelain perched time wasters.

Lemmy vs. James Hetfield
Pollsters are somewhat surprised by the tightness of this race (and of Lemmy's pants). While Hetfield has far more name recognition and a much larger fortune, Lemmy's prodigious success with the ladies and equally remarkable facial hair has made this a much closer contest than late polling may have suggested.

The Happening vs. The Movement of Man
From the establishing shot of the chili cheese dog moving inward as seen from Man's (the protagonist so named to reflect the ironic apathy towards the film's subject - as if everyone in the world might someday experience this!) mouth to the final sequence of the excrement moving outward as seen from Man's colon; the technical symmetry of this masterpiece is paralleled only by the director's passion in squeezing every ounce from his actors. My ballot is cast.

TJ's love of YouTube clips vs. Something that would require actual thought and effort
It's a Reagan/Mondale-esque landslide victory for, well, I'm sure you know...



Races the G:TB staff may be covering throughout the day:
Starbucks vs. Dunkin' Donuts, PC vs. Mac, Kobe vs. LeBron, John Candy vs. Chris Farley, Rocco vs. Buttman, boxers vs. briefs...

G:TB's Election Eve Coverage

According to cnn.com, this gentleman is one of the 5 percent of Americans who remain undecided about their choice in tomorrow's Presidential election. Also, this man drives with his blinker on for miles at a time, routinely finds himself trying to pay with cash in the EZPASS ONLY lane at toll plazas, takes 17 minutes to successfully place his order at the Taco Bell drive thru, and talks on his cell phone while waving to his friends when he's sitting behind home plate at televised baseball games.

Note: no candidate endorsement implied by this post. Just pointing out that this guy is a moron.

[Kinda reminds me of this guy:

Know what I mean, Vern?]