Cool It Now...G:TB's Week 13 NFL Picks

Hold your hats, ladies and gents. The editorial staff of G:TB is back with a whole new edition of picks. Enjoy!

Miami @ St. Louis – pick ‘em
The Parcells factor has been well documented over the last 20 years, but it has never been more ubiquitous than in 2008. The defense is playing tougher, the offensive chicanery is chicanering and Chaz Sexington, serving as the commodore of this offense, is steering this offensive as coolly and steadily as a Somalian pirate at the helm of a Saudi supertanker. The Linehan factor, on the other hand, is more of a wildcard. It encompasses losing, excuses, porous defensive play, hurricanes and more losing. He has taken a mediocre Rams squad and made them an epic disaster. St. Louie fans are booing, Marc Bulger is crying, and Chris Long wishes he was still banging co-eds in the parking lot of the South Street Brewery in Charlottesville. The Rams defense hasn’t hit anybody hard since Leonard Little was drunk and behind the wheel several years ago. With no home-field advantage and no weather issues, Chad will share the love with Ted, Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike. That’s right. In addition to his playmakers, he will get New Edition involved. So cool it now, you’ve got to cool it now, ooooh watch out, you’re gonna lose control. Pick the Fins. (Ed. Note: Mark's an idiot and wrote about the St. Louis-Miami game too. The pick's the same but Mark's an egomaniac and wants you to read his slant on things so he's refused to take down his pick. What an asshole.)

Tennessee (-11) @ Detroit
The early match-up on Turkey Day features the hopeless, hapless, winless Lions against the faux juggernaut Titans. The Lions have shown an ability to take an early lead, but an inability to not suck after taking the lead. They have little talent on either side of the ball, and a fan base that has been feeling down on itself ever since the Insane Clown Posse jumped Eminem 9 years ago. Their beloved Lions are playing so badly that both Alex Karras and George Papadapolis are rolling over in his grave. And neither are dead yet. And most fans are employed by the Big Three automotive companies, who lack both the ability to compete and the ability to seek financial assistance from DC (the district, not the Geofferson).

This burdensome burden rests heavy on the backs of the Lions as they face a 10-1 Titans squad tomorrow. Unfortunately for the Titans, they were slapped around last week by a Jets squad that punched them in the mouth and exposed several flaws. Their run defense is not impenetrable, their offense will abandon the run early and their receivers allow more balls allow more balls to slip through their hands than a Tijuana hooker on a Saturday night (Or TJ on a Tuesday night). These weaknesses will still be in Jeff Fisher’s dyed head as he prepares for the game. And Detroit will muster their last vestiges of self-respect as they avoid being embarrassed on a national stage. Look for them to cover…yet lose by 10. Take the Lions.

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay (+3.5)
Wait a minute, the Bucs are the division leaders, two games better than the Saints in the win column and are playing at home, yet somehow the Saints are favored in this one? (Additional fact that makes this line even more odd: The NFC South has only lost two homes games all year.) I'd like to get all upset and talk about how the Bucs aren't getting any respect but, you see, I like the Saints in this one. Don't get me wrong, I think the Bucs are a better team, but I also think the Saints are especially dangerous now that their collective backs are against the wall. Simply put, I just don't think the Bucs will be able to score enough points to keep pace with a Saints offense that resembles an Arena League team the way they throw it all over the field. By the way, does anybody know any Charger fans? Do they start breaking things whenever they hear somebody mention Drew Brees or when Brees appears on their tvs? I know I would if I was them. I mean, now that its evident that the Chargers window is closing quickly, wouldn't just drive you fucking insane to know that your GM willingly gave up Drew Brees in favor of Phillip Rivers? Can you imagine what the San Diego offense would've/could've been like these last few years if AJ Smith had just re-signed Brees? My god, we're talking one of the all time great offenses here. Well, it seems I've gotten a bit off topic here. Anyway, like I said before, take the Saints.

Miami @ St. Louis (even)
There are some strange lines this week, with this one being the strangest. Did anybody else see Miami give a resurgent New England team all they could handle last Sunday? Has anybody else seen how historically bad this Rams team has been all year? Has anybody ever noticed how completely fucking gay the Dolphin's helmets are? The dolphin on the helmet is wearing a helmet too? Why? Is it a retarded dolphin that wears the helmet for protection or something? Also, why does the helmet that the dolphin is wearing have an "M" on it? If its a Miami Dolphin helmet then it should have the Dolphins' symbol on it, no? Does this dolphin play for the University of Minnesota? I'm really confused.

You know what else? I'm also really sick of Dan Dierdorf mistakenly identifying formations as the "Wildcat" when they clearly aren't (like when Chad Pennington lines up in the shotgun...thats not the Wildcat Dan, its just a QB lined up in the shotgun). Can't we get an intern or somebody in the booth to give Dan a signal when the Dolphins are actually in the Wildcat formation? I would've thought that Dan would have figured it out by now too, but its clearly not happening and I think its time for somebody over at CBS to step in. You know, like an intervention. Speaking of intervention, have you seen the duster episode yet? C'mon already. Just give in and watch it. TJ did and he's been talking about it for weeks now. You'll have plenty of time this weekend and I doubt you want to spend it all with your family. So, grab a can of duster, sit back and enjoy...It's like I'm walking on sunshine! And taking the Dolphins.

Pittsburgh (+1) @ New England
The Patriots seem to be surging as Matt Cassell is developing to the point where he can captain this well-armed warship. It pretty much clicked for the Pats moments after Norfolk, VA's own Bob Molinaro wrote this in the vomitorium he calls a column in the local paper. It's worth a quick click to see such insight and prescience as:

"Absent Brady, the Patriots are, at best, average. I suspect they'll only get worse as the year progresses and New England's limited offense finds it more difficult to cover up for the failures of the team's aging defense.

Then, maybe, people will begin to see Belichick for what he actually is: a decent coach who carried a modest portfolio until he lucked into the greatest quarterback of the current era, if not of all time.

Without Brady around to pull the fat out of the fire and take New England to four Super Bowls, would Belichick be recognized for his game-planning wizardry or simply as a dour, suspicious, hoody-wearing crank?"

Since Mollie wrote that in October, New England has gone 4-2; the two losses are at Indy (who seems to be resurging themselves) and against the Jets, everyone's pick as top AFC team right now. Both losses were by three points, with the Jets game going to OT. Seems Norfolk's resident genius was throwing dirt on the Pats' doorstep, not their coffin. That's just impolite. Gracious, is he just not very good at what he does, and he's sullying an otherwise fine newspaper.

Meanwhile, the Steelers are increasingly banged up, on the road, and absent a single win over a true Super Bowl contender this year. (Sadly, the Redskins have fallen from that status.) So, who is G:TB taking??

The Steelers. Thanks, Rob. (He says: "I just have a lot of confidence in the Steeler defense's ability to pressure Cassel and the Patriots have no appreciable run game to slow the Steeler pass rush.") It's the lock of the week. For the love of Pete, where's the damn hide-a-key?

(pick 5 coming shortly...)

Standings Update
It's been a while since we reviewed the standings of this ill-conceived wager. That's probably because for a while the Wheelhomers were doing the math for us, and as you can see, it hasn't been good news for them over the last few weeks. Here you go, boys.

Record thru games of Oct 19, as reported at the Wheelhouse:
"Wheelhouse: 21-14-0
G:TB, LLC: 16-19-0"

Since then:
Games of Oct 26
W: 22-17-1
G: 18-22

Nov 2
W: 24-20-1
G: 22-23

Nov 9
W: 27-22-1
G: 26-24

Nov 16
W: 29-25-1
G: 30-25

Nov 23 (CURRENT TALLY)
W: 32-27-1
G: 34-26

We Gheorghers have gone 16-4 over the last four weeks. Just based on the idiocy trying to pick and post games this week, looks like we'll come crashing back to earth.

Happy Turkey Day, turkeys.