Tuesday, November 04, 2008

"Rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick a knife through your eye"

When a bit's this good, why let it go? Come join in the fun and games as cnn.com's new political wunderkinds (that would be us) break down all the races you wish you were watching instead of Musgrove/Wicker for one of Mississippi's Senate seats. As a wise man replied all this morning, "Inanity is our forte, so I don't see why we wouldn't proceed"...

Urban Meyer vs. Mark Richt
Weekend polling swung heavily toward Meyer as this battle of smarmy, Teutonic ballcoaches neared the finish line. Pundits wonder whether Meyer’s gratuitous use of timeouts will hurt him as the voters take pen in hand to make their final decisions. The winner of this runoff likely faces the uber-slime of Alabama’s Nick Saban to see who represents the South in the Big Election in January.

Chris Berman vs. Scott Van Pelt
In this corner, a caricature of a caricature of a once-relevant icon. In this corner, a neurotic, goofy, humbly affable sportscaster. Let’s get ready to rummmbllllllle.

The Escape Club's "Wild, Wild West" vs. Neneh Cherry's "Buffalo Stance"
The Escape Club hit #1 with "Wild, Wild West" in 1988, and gave the world one of the most overquoted lyrics ever, or at least until January 1, 1990 hit. Neneh Cherry also hit #1 in 1988 (I think, I'm too lazy to scour Billboard.com) with "Buffalo Stance" and was roundly criticized for performing the song 8 months pregnant on some British Seacrest-type show. I'm going Cherry by absentee ballot W...mainly because I forgot how awful the Escape Club video was.

Spencer Hawes vs. Etan Thomas
Been a rough couple weeks for young Hawes, one of the NBA’s most outspoken Republicans, as his Sactown Kings opened the season 0-4 and his home state of Washington has been bathing in a deep indigo hue. Free versing Thomas, on the other hand, stepped back on the court after spending 2008 recovering from heart surgery and logged serious hours working for the progressive side of the political aisle. While both of these gentlemen will wake up tomorrow playing for miserable basketball teams, at least one of them will be happy about the electoral college.

Stephon Marbury vs. Sanity
This race has surprisingly tightened up in the last week as Mr. Marbury has managed to avoid saying/doing the typical insane things a Starbury is prone to do. Despite falling behind early by unveiling a tattoo of a logo on his head, he has climbed back into the race, despite accumulating a pair of DNPs and not even dressing for his team's third game. Pundits suspect Marbury will emerge victorious, forcing Knicks management to trade or cut him. At that point, look for Mark Cuban or Phil Jackson to swoop in, sign the man and allow all parties to wallow in the Marbury's resurgent lunacy.

NY Times Crossword Puzzles vs. Video Billiards
Otherwise known as the battle between the two things Rhymo enjoys doing most while squeezing out a deuce, this race has ebbed and flowed in recent months. The Times has suffered from lack of consistent visibility next to the sofas in his company's reception area. Without being present, it is hard for Rhymo to pilfer it for his mid-morning squat while chatting with the receptionists. Billiards has been making inroads, but the poor shot selections of the computer foe takes some of the fun away from winning. It's like winning at pool against a mentally challenged person. Or Isiah Thomas. Look for the stalwart Times to win out in this battle of porcelain perched time wasters.

Lemmy vs. James Hetfield
Pollsters are somewhat surprised by the tightness of this race (and of Lemmy's pants). While Hetfield has far more name recognition and a much larger fortune, Lemmy's prodigious success with the ladies and equally remarkable facial hair has made this a much closer contest than late polling may have suggested.

The Happening vs. The Movement of Man
From the establishing shot of the chili cheese dog moving inward as seen from Man's (the protagonist so named to reflect the ironic apathy towards the film's subject - as if everyone in the world might someday experience this!) mouth to the final sequence of the excrement moving outward as seen from Man's colon; the technical symmetry of this masterpiece is paralleled only by the director's passion in squeezing every ounce from his actors. My ballot is cast.

TJ's love of YouTube clips vs. Something that would require actual thought and effort
It's a Reagan/Mondale-esque landslide victory for, well, I'm sure you know...



Races the G:TB staff may be covering throughout the day:
Starbucks vs. Dunkin' Donuts, PC vs. Mac, Kobe vs. LeBron, John Candy vs. Chris Farley, Rocco vs. Buttman, boxers vs. briefs...

67 comments:

Rhymenocerous said...

Spell checking. Overrated.

rob said...

this post could wind up nearly as long as a whitneypedia entry

TJ said...

I remember that guy Whitney, sort of...

Whitney said...

RE: "Lemmy's equally remarkable facial hair"... does that include the hair growing from his array of gumball-sized facial moles? That he gets laid at all stands as a shining example of the mammoth power of rock and roll. Teej, give us a picture of Lemmy Kilmister, won't you?

rob said...

lemmy's wikipedia page claims he's bedded somewhere between 1200 and 2000 women in his life. long live rock and roll.

Shlara said...

I vote Dunkin Donuts. Like Starbucks, they are giving free coffee to people who vote today. And, the coffee is SO much better.

Whitney said...

Ugh - looks like there are more problems with ballots again. In the hotly contested battle of Cheetos (D) vs. Cheez Doodles (R), apparently the tally is in question because the ballots are illegibly covered in some sort of orange, dusty substance. Here we go again.

rob said...

dammit. cheetos are processed cheese we can believe in.

Mark said...

But Cheez Balls are a far superior product to both of them. Its a travesty that they didnt receive the nomination over Cheez Doodles.

rob said...

you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong. the crunch of the cheeto separates it from all of the other candidates. you can hear america in that crunch.

TJ said...

Lemmy pic posted...

TJ said...

Whoa whoa whoa...how the fuck are Cheez Ballz not on the ballot?

Whitney said...

Cheese Balls/Cheez Ballz are not in the same district. Cheetos vs. Cheese Doodles are "cheese curls," not balls.

Cheez Ballz is running unopposed in the "puffed cheese-like snack orb" district and presumably winning handily, though again, the orange dust issue clouds the results.

Whitney said...

Also, for those looking for Cheesy Poofs on the ballot: "Cheesy Poofs" is a fictional product made up by Trey Parker and Matt Stone for their animated series "South Park," not a real candidate. Thank you for voting.

TJ said...

Like Nader?

Whitney said...

Be careful out there, people. As you may have read recently, more traffic accidents -- and more fatal traffic accidents -- happen on Election Day than on any other day of the year. Even more than New Year's Eve and other generally alcohol-soaked days, Election Day shows an 18% spike in "vehicular accidents and fatalities," despite not being traditionally known as a day of heavy drinking.

And if you ARE getting hammered and going to vote . . . well, actually, that explains a lot.

TJ said...

(Raising hand)

Whitney said...

Ooh, I've got one: Arcadia vs. The Power Station. Who can tell me why Arcadia wins today?

rob said...

we're coming up on reelection day?

TJ said...

Despite what rob may tell you, "Cinco de Election Day" is a legit holiday.

Rhymenocerous said...

Arcadia vs. Power Station is a great one.

Power Station had Robert Palmer, a black guy and two of the Taylors from Duran Duran. Arcadia had the rest of Duran Duran.

I'm beyond embarassed to know all this, but I had an older sister who was obsessed by Duran Duran. As a younger brother, I had some years of suffering.

I would say Power Station would have to win because Robert Palmer is cool. He has some sick funk stuff from the 1970's (pre ELP).

rob said...

power station's music was way better, largely due to the robert palmer cool factor. and no need to retain your early teen embarrassment for liking duran duran. embrace it - that's a great band.

Whitney said...

Rhyme-o, that was Carl Palmer in ELP, not Robert. But Robert Palmer's pre-"Addicted to Love"/drone dance girls stuff is indeed good. He's remembered from that era for "Bad Case of Loving You," but far better are his renditions of "Sneakin' Sally Through the Alley," a couple of Little Feat tunes, and even solid turns at "Pressure Drop" and "Man Smart (Woman Smarter)" that the Dead often played. He was a hip dude, cut down before his time.

And I guarantee he outscored Lemmy by quadruple digits.

Zoltan said...

His name is Tootie and he dances in the sand.

TJ said...

Wait, Rhymo has an older sister?

Greg said...

Her name is Tootie and she dances in the sand.

rob said...

anyone see cnn's jessica yellin live via hologram with wolf blitzer? it's freaking me the fuck out.

Whitney said...

Yeah. Seems like it cost a whole lot of money, and I'm not sure what the point is.

Geoff said...

OH THE HUMANITY!!!!

TJ said...

I'm not sure what's tougher to watch, Dickie V do a Duke game with Coach K's balls in his mouth or Matthews/Olberman give an electoral update with Obama's junk in their mouths.

Greg said...

How can Olbermann even talk when he's got his tongue so far up Obama's ass? Dogs do that. Olbermann is not a dog. He does have many characteristics of a dog. Except loyalty.

TJ said...

Brit Hume needs to climb back in his coffin and shut the fuck up.

Mark said...

Live blogging the election! Yeah!!

Whitney said...

You guys seem pretty sour this evening - why so?

TJ said...

Nudie magazine day!!!

Geoff said...

That sound you hear is my taxes going through the fucking roof. I guess I'll be force into being less "selfish" now.

Geoff said...

If Al Franken wins, I'm all for selling MN to the Canadians...

Mark said...

I'm doing just fine Whitney, but thanks for asking. Honestly, the only thing that could make my night better is if Geoff would do his crying while signed in under his wife's name..

Mark said...

I dont know who this TJ Yates guy is bu somebody should tell him that "The Potter's House" isn't a proper church name

TJ said...

This Buffalo/Miami of Ohio game is a welcome distraction from the other stuff going on tonight.

Mark said...

Celtics-Rockets on NBATV is pretty nice too.

rob said...

massachusetts has voted to legalize marijuana in small amounts, so there's something.

TJ said...

Mark, pick me up on your way up I-95...

Mark said...

Well...that is something, kind of makes up for Jacques Rickerson going off and strangling a bitch last night.

Whitney said...

Nicely worded, Mayor Barry.

TJ said...

"Bitch set me up"

Whitney said...

Here are the details. See you in Southie, Teej.

BOSTON - People caught with an ounce or less of marijuana won’t be considered criminals in Massachusetts.

Voters have approved a measure to ease marijuana laws. Under the new law, which takes effect in 30 days, those caught will be forced to give up the pot and pay a $100 fine, instead of facing criminal penalties.

Greg said...

At least I can get a job in Dubai and earn money tax-free. Never thought I'd have to leave my own country for a better offer in the middle east. But that's what I get for having the audacity to build personal wealth.

Mark said...

Oh god, even I think that is a bad decision. Though, admittedly, I am already thinking of moving.

Mark said...

I'm gonna miss you Greg.

Greg said...

Krazy Karl lives in Dubai. He loves it.

Mark said...

I'm not saying I won't visit you but it might be hard for you to hit the Cocktail Party anytime soon.

Whitney said...

I am surprised and very impressed with the staggering amount of opulent wealth among the frequenters of G:TB. My wife earns more than I do and even put together we don't make enough that we are going be taxed more under President Obama's plan. Kudos to you guys . . . and screw you for not picking up the check more often.

Mark said...

Whitney rules...

Greg said...

Whit, how could you believe a campaign promise of "tax cuts"?

rob said...

big sloppy donkey kisses to all of you.

Zoltan said...

You guys can thank me for the change of law in MA. Let me know if you want to come for a visit.

On a more serious note, I'm stunned that our president-elect is of African-American heritage. I never thought this would happen.

rob said...

um, yes, i'd like to come visit. or at least have you hook me up with a source when i head to the cape next summer.

Zoltan said...

Just to clarify - MA voted to keep the state income tax, abolish dog racing, and de-criminalize possession of less than an ounce of marijuana. I think this is a blue state.

Zoltan said...

John Lewis dropping science in MSNBC.

Mark said...

Some people might not like tonight's result, but our country got a bit of its swagger back tonight.

Whitney said...

Pretty impressed with McCain's concession speech. Not displaying an iota of bitterness or grudge-holding.

rob said...

y'know what, that's well said.

rob said...

mark's comment, not whit's. though i agree with that, too. mccain did a nice job.

rob said...

david gergen just agreed with mark. that's probably not happened before. president-elect obama, already bringing people of all stripes together.

Zoltan said...

Bedlam in the Fenway. It sounds like the Sox won it all again.

amanda young said...

What a cute debate! very animated.. Amanda Vanderpool