Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The newest fad in road rage:

Throwing dangerous objects at the target of your abject hatred

I hate everyone on the road as much as the next person (especially Maryland drivers), but I must say, I had yet to ponder throwing shit at them in my usual fit of rage (the only kind of "fit" that can actually be attributed to me). First up, we have Colonel Mustard in the HOV Lane with the Wrench:
Motorist accused of throwing wrench at vehicle
PORT ORCHARD, Wash. (AP) - A 32-year-old man was booked and jailed for investigation of reckless endangerment and fourth-degree assault on Friday after allegedly throwing a wrench at another vehicle on a highway.

The tool broke a vehicle's driver's-side window, showering glass inside the vehicle, and struck the driver in his left shoulder on State Highway 16. The man driving the vehicle wasn't injured.

The State Patrol said investigators were unable to determine the reason for the assault.

Witnesses traveling westbound on the highway told troopers the man had been passing vehicles and traveling at a high rate of speed when he threw the wrench "for no apparent reason."
But not to be outdone, we have this lunatic in Nebraska, who wanted to take it up a notch (BAM!):
Driver sentenced for throwing axe at motorist
LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) - A driver who threw an axe at another motorist, wounding him, has been sentenced to 37 days in jail. The man, 51, was sentenced Friday in Lancaster County Court for third-degree assault and criminal mischief after pleading no contest to the charges.

Authorities said two vehicles were traveling near an intersection on June 13 and one cut in front of the other, prompting both vehicles to stop. The man threw a 3-foot axe through the other driver's passenger window, striking him in the ribs with the blunt end.
Sure, this guy is off his rocker, but let's hear it for his axe-throwing skills. Not since Chavez y Chavez has a man so accurately thrown an axe.

30 comments:

Samantha said...

In VA, one can be charged criminally with "throwing 'missiles' at an occupied vehicle" for this very behavior, whether someone is actually hurt or not.

TJ said...

And you know this perhaps because rob has been tossing bricks at fellow travelers on I-66?

Rhymenocerous said...

I was driving near my hometown at the Jersey Shore a couple years back when some a-hole in a Camaro behind me started flashing high-beams and honking because he didn't like my slow pace down the business section/Main Street of a town.

As I always do when people behind me get pissed, I slowed down to 10 MPH for a while to let him wallow in his road rage for a bit. But I made one pivotal mistake - I did this right before pulling into a spot on the side of the road. I needed to buy a bottle of wine for a dinner party from the liquor store in town. The guy behind me decided to stop his car in the MIDDLE of the road behind my car, get out, look at me and say "So you wanna do this?"

As a general rule, I don't fight Camaro drivers in New Jersey. This guy was no exception. He was a huge dude who was inked up, calmly irritated and 100% serious. My answer to his question (in my own head) was "I really don't want to do this at all with you. You seem much tougher than the wimpy Kappa Alphas I used to scrap with in Williamsburg." But I came up with a "C'mon man, relax." He grunted, glared and then drove off. I wasn't even sure if he was planning on parking his car before fighting, or if he was gonna hold up traffic while he brawled.

Apparently, my driving sins were egregious enough to warrant a fist-fight in the street at 4 PM on a Fall afternoon. Oh yeah, my pregnant wife was in the car with me when this was happening. Not good times for her.

Whitney said...

Rob usually just hurls F-bombs at his fellow drivers. Lots and lots of them, occasionally accompanied by a tiny finger gesture.

TJ said...

Taught to him by the legendary John Houseman I assume?

Whitney said...

Rob and I had a bizarre exchange of unpleasantries, precision head punches, and beer dousings with a couple of Hampton IROC-Zeroes at a stoplight after an R.E.M. concert in college. The inciting comment we lobbed their way: "Hey, you guys know what time it is?"

Rhymenocerous said...

I guess the answer was "Time to fight."

Whitney said...

Oh, and to be precise, I believe Chavez threw hatchets, Teejole, not axes. Unless he was actually that giant Native American guy from the old SuperFriends cartoon. Then maybe they were axes.

TJ said...

Apache Chief?

TJ said...

Tonto, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it...
Kemosabi, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it...
Custer, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it...
Apache, jump on it, jump on it, wowowowowowowowowo!!
A-hunga-hunga-hunga-hunga

Jerry said...

November 18, 2008 --

METS hottie David Wright is a charitable guy, but at his annual fund-raiser the other night, he was the one in need of some help. A spy at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square for his "Do the Wright Thing" event watched in shock as Wright was "mobbed by a swarm of trashy-looking cougars. Middle-age women with bad '80s hair were practically pushing down little kids who were trying to get baseballs signed." Wright was overheard pleading, "Ladies, calm down! Please, relax."

Jerry said...

From the NY Post, obviously.

rob said...

whitney's generally a man of peace, owing to his oft-incapacitated state. the great case of the r.e.m. time bandits was one of the few times i've seen him strike a blow in anger. he nearly killed our friend otis in his haste to get out of the backseat of my 2-door ford escort and hail blows on our adversaries. i was too busy being doubled over in laughter to assist.

next week on g:tb fight club: the time when whitney went all helicopter of fists on a group of kappa alphas.

rob said...

and by 'hail blows', i mean throw a perfectly good beer.

TJ said...

rob, you'll enjoy this:

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3710474

rob said...

teejay's boy bruiser getting it done this morning.

also, it's snowing.

rob said...

look at the economy, teejay. look. at. the. economy.

TJ said...

I really enjoy MGL's work, but I still can't understand why he thinks Bruiser is a good coach. The guy is a nightmare (Bruiser, not MGL).

TJ said...

Why the hell are you telling me of all people to look at the economy? You might as well be sending me links to the latest "Chop't" openings.

Rhymenocerous said...

Unfortunately, there are hundreds of W&M male alums who would recount entirely different stories revolving around the phrase "hail blows."

Every school had drag queens perform at freshman dorms to explain what the gays were and why they were okay folks, right? Just Monroe Hall, Fall of 1992?

Not there's anything wrong with that.

TJ said...

Um, we're gonna need a few more details on that debacle please...

rob said...

it's a quote from the rodriguez article, teej. richrod says people are way too into the wolverines when they should be worried about losing their homes.

TJ said...

What a douche. Isn't Michigan paying that fuckface $4M a year?

Zoltan said...

http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=11868

Mark said...

Oh man...that was good.

Zoltan said...

And they also have a shot of Jim Kelly's face from last night.

http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=11855

rob said...

dustin fucking pedroia is the al mvp. holy shit.

TJ said...

How long do we have to wait for your orgasmic reaction post?

rob said...

about 30 seconds. it's already there.

Rhymenocerous said...

I made the Pedroia call back during the season. His numbers were the biggest surprise on my otherwise putrid fantasy baseball squad.

Fausto Carmona, Long Duck Wang, Eric Byrnes and David Ortiz were slightly less spectacular for me...