Rock the Vote People

It's Election Day...get off your ass and vote, and remember, your choice pretty much always boils down to two candidates, The Giant Douche or The Turd Sandwich (sorry, you know how much I hate to recycle material). Choose wisely, or Puffy will kill you.

In honor of election day, a few races you might not have known about, but are important nonetheless:

Harry Callahan vs. John McLean
It's "Dirty" Harry vs. the Cowboy McLean. As you can imagine, the race has been extremely tight, with the younger crowd strongly supporting McLean and older voters backing Callahan. What voters need to realize is there would be no John McLean without Det. Harry Callahan. Show respect for the man who reinvented the (anti)hero role in action movies. A vote for Callahan is a vote for the most powerful handgun in the world.

Richard Dawson vs. Bob Barker
One of the toughest races to call on the ballot, this battle of geriatric game show gropers might come down to the recent Barker retirement announcement, which could lead to a swarm of sympathy votes at the polls. Personally, I think Richard's blatant sexual advances on the Feud are far more impressive than Barker's off-screen trysts with the Beauties. Barker does garner some bonus points for his role in Happy Gilmore, which was only a tad bit better than Dawson's role as Killian in The Running Man.

Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady
Gee, haven't heard alot about this one...

Foreigner vs. Boston
Two staples of Classic Rock Shoot Out face off today, with the winner likely to dominate Two for Tuesdays and Rock-toberfests for years to come. I expect a landslide victory for Foreigner, as their plethora of hits propel them to the top over Boston's less distinctive collection. I mean, just look at this sampling of Foreigner's work product: "Feels Like The First Time", "Cold as Ice", "Hot Blooded", "Double Vision", "Dirty White Boy", "Head Games", "Urgent", "Waiting for a Girl Like You", "Juke Box Hero" and of course "I Want to Know What Love Is". True, Boston gave us "More Than a Feeling" and "Foreplay/Long Time" off their self-titled debut album, but the rest of their platform is weak.

Jane Roe vs. Henry Wade
Are you kidding me? You think I'd touch this one? I'd rather talk about the Manning/Brady race.

Paper vs. Plastic
As a veteran of the glorious supermarket industry, this issue seems to be hotly contested every term, with the result always up for grabs until the 11th hour (Full Disclosure: I never once worked as a cashier - I was a Produce guy...I would've killed someone if I was a cashier). Stupid crunchy granola hippies think Paper bags are the devil's work, but they may be too busy making hemp necklaces to rock the vote. If you are some sort of bag snob and simply MUST have paper bags, get to the polling station today, lest you be stuck with plastic bags that are guaranteed to shred the minute you step out of the store. If you hate dolphins, vote for plastic, as plastic bags can apparently be thrown in the ocean and choke the little bastards.

John Daly vs. The Institution of Marriage
I don't normally encourage people not to vote, but this thing will be a landslide victory for Daly. Forget racing to your nearest polling station - just stay home, kick off your shoes and down a dozen beers (you know John would do the same). Marriage never stood a chance. It was the "Dukakis" to Daly's "Herbert Walker Bush". Daly will soon have ex-wife #4 after filing for divorce from class act Sherrie Miller Daly October 18th, four months after she finished serving a federal sentence for alleged drug and gambling ring wrongdoings. Daly of course wrote about his other three Exes in his autobiography "My Life In & Out of the Rough". The chapter on the previous election losers was entitled "All My Exes Wear Rolexes."