Friday, November 21, 2008

G:TB's Week 12 NFL Picks: You Don't Mess with the Zo(lt)han

San Francisco @ Dallas (-11)
Meatloaf is delicious, and underrated. On a chilly fall evening like the ones we're currently experiencing in the Mid-Atlantic, it's hard to beat a warm, moist, perfectly spiced hunk of baked ground beef glazed with a vaguely ketchuppy substance. Sometimes, a stew is nice, too, or a hearty winter soup. You can fuck right off with your sweet potatoes, though. I presume that Meatloaf, the singer, is less delicious, but he's probably equally underrated. I like the Cowboys to cover. And meatloaf. The food.

****************
Indianapolis (+3) at San Diego
Things we know: The Colts' offense is getting healthy. Norv Turner will be coaching San Diego Sunday night. Norv Turner will be coaching San Diego in 2009. LT is running on empty (but not like Jackson Browne sang about so many years ago). People believe in Peyton's arm more than they believe in Norval's brain.

Peter King likes the Chargers. He busted out the misleading stat that the Chargers haven't lost at home since Week 2. That's because they lost at home on Week 1. Ease up on the lattes, Petey! The Chargers are two games behind a smelly Broncos squad in the AFC West race. That makes them a terrible team. Enough said on that. The Colts will throw and run all over the hobbled San Diego defense in the balmy southern California air. They will have their "we're-definitely-back-in-the-thick-of-the-playoff-race" moment on Sunday night because they are fired up to play in a town named after a whale's vagina. Actually, that's not true. Nobody knows what San Diego means. Take the Colts. And sip on three fingers of Glenlivet while watching the game.

****************
Giants @ Arizona (+3)
You know what's fucking fantastic? The new Steak n' Bacon melt from Subway. I know, I know, Subway is the worst place to get a good sandwich that any of us could imagine and the food there is anything but fresh. Listen to me, disregard everything you know about Subway and get yourself one of these fine flatbread sandwiches. If you are hungover come Sunday morning (and you should be) take a trip up to your local Subway, make sure to never make eye contact with the troll, er, sandwich artist making your sandwich and get your ass back to the house in time for the 1 pm kickoff. I guarantee you it will not only be delicious but also just greasy enough to stem the tide of your "fuck, I'm 30 and this hurts way more than it used to" hangover.

What does all that have to do with this game? Do I have to spell everything out for you people?
See, Kurt Warner is Subway. He rose to prominence in the early 2000s with the Rams (Jared campaign) before quickly falling back to the pack of average NFL signal callers. Now, he's back to shredding defenses ($5 footlooongs) and praising Jeebus at every turn. Sadly, much like the Steak n' Bacon, Warner's resurgence is for a limited time only. He's going to get crushed by a relentless Giants pass rush on Sunday and Arizona's going to be eliminated in the first round of the upcoming playoffs. The Cardinals, like Subway, are only good in comparison to the rest of the NFC West (fast food). Take the Giants.

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Philadelphia @ Baltimore (-1.5)
Believe it or not, there is actually a Vegas line for back to back ties in the NFL (that's in the regular season for those classy QB's reading at home). It currently stands at 569 to 1. While I don't think I'd take even those odds, this will be a close game. The Ravens defense has been on a Ray Ray-imposed penance of raw meat and pickle juice since last week's embarassing performance versus the G-boys; so a safety or two will be the difference here. G:TB likes the Ravens in this one. Blackbirds win it 5-3.

142 comments:

rob said...

bravo, mark - that's fannnntastic.

also, we need another pick, no?

TJ said...

Yes, yes we do...and I'll do pick #5...tomorrow.

rob said...

and if you think the hangovers at 30 are bad, wait 8 years, young man. i'm already dreading sunday morning at whitney's house.

TJ said...

Sore ass?

rob said...

among other things.

TJ said...

Knicks just traded Randolph and Mardy Collins to Clippers for Tim Thomas and Cuttino.

Mark said...

Rhyme-O, hope you enjoyed the Knicks being halfway decent. Because I'm pretty sure they're going to be god fucking awful...again.

rob said...

erik ainge - dipshit

Whitney said...

Them Volunteer QB's don't come off as too swift, on the whole.

zoltan said...

I don't understand why you can't mess with me based on these picks. A partner at work yells "don't mess with the Zoltan!" every time he sees me.

rob said...

i guess they're right. tennessee alums, though slow and dangerous behind the wheel and when running norv turner's offense, can serve a purpose. like represent people.

Mark said...

Speaking of dipshits, most of you probably haven't heard of Cam Newton, though after this I'm sure you'll remember him.

Cam was a highly touted QB out of Atlanta that committed to UF a couple years ago and has been fighting for the Gators' #2 QB spot with John Brantley all year.

Well, it seems Cam (now a sophomore) decided to pull a Marcus Williams and steal a laptop. After he logged in using the laptop and the cops tracked him down, he decided to pull a fast one on the cops and threw the laptop out the window of his apartment. When the cops found the laptop, they discovered it had been painted black and inscribed with Cam's name. Newton has since been dismissed from the Florida football team.

TJ said...

The Wiz, 1-9 now. Atrocious.

TJ said...

Sounds like Fig Newton will be guiding some 1-AA team next season. Where did Ingle Martin end up going?

zoltan said...

If you like to drink beer then you need to try Gritty McDuff's Best Bitters.

Jennifer said...

i think we should have a drink

TJ said...

Looks like Zoltan convinced the wife to try that beer.

TJ said...

7-0 Fighting Tys...it did of course take until early 2nd qtr for any points to be scored.

Whitney said...

Tribe suffered a tough OT loss today. Down 20-0 after tossing four picks and losing a fumble in the first half, they battled back to tie it at 20 with 19 seconds left. OT was a debacle, they had a kick blocked (badly), then allowed a FG to lose 23-20. Still . . . a better season than I think we feared.

Whitney said...

And for the record, I blame myself for the Tribe's woes this season. I was a huge jinx in 2008. Every time I sat in those end zone bleachers, the opposing team seemed to put up bunches of points. Villanova game, I watch 'Nova put up 35, then drink at the tailgate while the Tribe storms back. Homecoming I don't darken the doorway of the stadium, no problem. I went in today to watch the Spiders run it up in the first half, then drank Dark & Stormys in the parking lot while the Tribe fought back. I knew I needed to remain outside when we went into OT, but I went in . . . only to see W&M unravel badly. Should've known better. My bad, Tribers.

zoltan said...

From ESPN.com:

Florida State safety Myron Rolle won a Rhodes scholarship less than three hours before the Seminoles kicked off in College Park against Maryland.

....

Bowden, 79, had never coached a Rhodes scholar during a career spanning six decades.

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3719726

TJ said...

In other college football news, the natives in South Bend are quite restless:

SOUTH BEND, Ind. -- Notre Dame football players were pelted by snowballs from fans sitting in the student section during their loss to Syracuse on Saturday.

"To throw snowballs at their own team, I didn't think that was a smart thing to do. I guess [they thought] it was funny," defensive tackle Pat Kuntz said after Syracuse upset the Irish 24-23.

TJ said...

I'm most likely picking the MNF as our fifth game, but haven't gotten around to it yet...

zoltan said...

Joey Porter is insanely bitter.

zoltan said...

Keyshawn Johnson just compared Obama winning the presidency to the Cardinals' turnaround. Now I remember why I don't watch pre-game shows.

TJ said...

Yeah, that seems like an equitable historical comparison.

Moron.

TJ said...

It took the Bears all of 1 minute and 50 seconds to score a TD against the Rams.

TJ said...

Excellent start for the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets...

TJ said...

Um, Mark, you want to fill us in on the Lions quick 14-0 lead over your beloved Bucs?

Geoff said...

Make that 17-0 Lions...and for the record, I was logged in as my wife and at the last second caught it...

zoltan said...

That's funny. I just had my log in your wife but you didn't catch it.

TJ said...

Nicely done...and I just received word that Sisler and Lumpy are at this Jets/Titans game.

Geoff said...

15-Love, Zohan

Geoff said...

The Eagles and the Ravens both deserve to lose this game.

TJ said...

10-0 Jets, but they've left points on the field and its gonna bite them late in this game, I just know it.

Geoff said...

14-13 Titans. Book it.

TJ said...

Got a Skins prediction in you as well?

TJ said...

Wait, so now it's 21-17 Tampa Bay? What the hell is going on at Ford Field?

Geoff said...

The Skins have been in this situation each of the last three seasons--coming off a couple bad losses facing a team they should beat in order to stay in the race for the WC/division. And, they've always lost it in order to put themselves in a "backs against the wall" position for the rest of the year. I'm hoping this year is different, but Seattle has not been kind to the Skins. My heart says win, my head says gut-wrenching loss.

TJ said...

Well, at least you can feel good knowing the Eagles are fucking awful.

TJ said...

That is unreal. As I hit submit Philly scores.

Geoff said...

And Dallas is killing the Niners. What a pisser.

TJ said...

The Rams have been outscored 99-6 in the first half of their last three games.

Geoff said...

Those commercials with Sprint's CEO remind me of the Walken SNL skit "The Continental."

zoltan said...

Dierdorf just said "Sometimes you just have to let your playmakers make plays." He was referring to Chad Pennington. Chad "The Playmaker" Pennington? I set the over/under on use of the word "wildcat" at 69. It was way way too low.

TJ said...

That game looks quite entertaining from the highlight...Chaz even rushed for a TD?

zoltan said...

I guess it technically was a "rush." But yes, Chaz ran one in. He even stretched out to get it in there. Insert mother joke here.

zoltan said...

Chaz! Throwing across the body while rolling right! Belichick looked like he swallowed his tongue on that play.

zoltan said...

I may get a Leodis McKelvin jersey.

Geoff said...

If you thought the Niners couldn't give up 29 unanswered points, well you'd be wrong. Singletary just sent the entire team into the locker room and is playing Dallas in khakis all by himself. He's standing in the middle of the field screaming "kick me in the jimmy!" at the Cowboys offensive line.

TJ said...

At this point, should we be expecting an album to drop in early 2009 from the freecreditreport.com trio?

Geoff said...

KEVIN KOLB!!!!!! Feel the thunder...

Geoff said...

Does Andy Reid's offense call for a QB who throws a crisp bounce pass...or is this just coincidence?

TJ said...

Looks like he broke out more mercury-tipped balls (insert zohan-esque mom and or spouse joke here).

zoltan said...

Randy Moss is superhuman.

zoltan said...

Andy Reid is the Buck Showalter of football.

zoltan said...

On the Pats' last score, Dierdof said "The pass too well-thrown, Moss too tall." That's it.

Geoff said...

"Me winning isn't. You do."

Geoff said...

The Eagles leading receiver today, with 128 yards on 2 catches: Dan Klecko

TJ said...

I know I'm a freaking jinx, but man have the Jets played well today (minus the two turnovers). Utter domination through three quarters really.

Geoff said...

That should read "18 yards on 2 catches."

zoltan said...

Now Chris Johnson will rip off a pair of 69-yard TD runs.

TJ said...

The only negative to a Jets win? That asshole Mercury Morris popping up on TV one more time this season.

Geoff said...

Someone should go to Mercury Morris' neighborhood...to his street...and place 17 flaming bags of shit on his doorstep.

TJ said...

Z-han, just be happy Leodis and the boys in blue got the Chieves this week. It gets you off the ledge for a week...

TJ said...

"The old man called the shit poop."

zoltan said...

Reznocerous is eerily silent in all this. Either he doesn't want to jinx it, or he's passed out drunk, or he never made it home last night and is frozen solid behind a dumpster in Chelsea, or ... I guess you could tell me anything regarding his whereabouts and I'd believe it.

TJ said...

Let's pretend I never talked about this Jets game, m-kay?

Geoff said...

The Eagles just had a 3rd and 26. Kevin Kolb: 1 for 4 for 7 yards and back to back 3 and outs.

TJ said...

Attaboy Calvin Pace...now watch out for the fake FG.

TJ said...

Andy Reid, looking to challenge a play...and lose. Deja vu all over again.

TJ said...

Leon Washington...boo yah.

Geoff said...

Titans...no longer undefeated...

Geoff said...

Eagles QBs are 9-24 for 66 yards and 3 INTs today. Kolb has one completion and one pick. I love watching them fail.

TJ said...

I forgot to ask - was Donovan benched for incompetence, or is he hurt?

TJ said...

Zoltan, looks like you're getting the game of the day...Ricky Williams making diving TD catches from Chaz?

Geoff said...

Spectacular incompetence...

TJ said...

Cassel has over 400 yards again? I can't wait until the Lions pull a Scott Mitchell 2.0 and pay him tens of millions of bucks in the offseason.

Geoff said...

Any chance the Iggles think about firing Andy Reid this offseason? It might be time...

TJ said...

I certainly think they should ponder it. End the Reid and McNabb Eras at the same time. Start fresh with some new blood. Hell, it appears they may have missed the boat letting Harbaugh go...

Geoff said...

I don't wanna say Lito Sheppard quit on that play...but Lito Sheppard quit on that play.

TJ said...

I'd love to be able to agree, but I'm having too much fun watching Titans' DBs getting called for PI after PI...

TJ said...

Should fans of a team that started the day 10-0 be booing their club, even if on this day they got manhandled?

zoltan said...

"When punches are thrown in the National Football League, someone has to go. This is not tolerated. This is not hockey." So sayeth Dierdorf after a donnybrook after a FG.

Geoff said...

No

zoltan said...

Matt Light thought he was participating in a MMA event and cheap-shotted (is that a word?) the shit out of a Phin.

zoltan said...

The only time I remember booing my own team was the game the Knicks lost by 50 to the C's last year.

TJ said...

Oh Kevin Kolb...you are not good.

Geoff said...

Wow Ed Reed...wow...

zoltan said...

The 2008 Rams may be the worst team in history. I can't wait to see the Football Outsiders analysis.

rob said...

way late reax on yesterday's action:

brutal day for the tribe on the gridiron and the hardwood. looks like it may be back to the future on the hoops front.

ty willingham shouldn't be allowed to coach girls soccer to 5 year-olds.

and i have a bad feeling about the doings in seattle.

rob said...

apologies for the rough syntax there - feeling a little bit groggy.

TJ said...

I've often heard rumors about you liking the rough syntax. Guess they were true.

TJ said...

Isn't one of the former Seahawk Blades a murderer?

zoltan said...

Yes. One of the Blades brothers shot and killed his cousin. Allegedly by accident. He didn't miss a down of football. But if he killed his dogs, well, lock him up forever.

TJ said...

To me, the greatest example of the hypocrisy you are not so subtly hinting at is Leonard Little, he of the multiple DUIs and FUCKING VEHICULAR HOMICIDE...I cannot believe that fucker got a free ride. Despicable.

Whitney said...

Didn't Vince Neil do the same thing?

TJ said...

Murder his cousin, or pull a L Little?

Matthew Broderick pulled a Little, but he was smart enough to do it over in Europe.

zoltan said...

Yes, but no one says "think of the children" when they talk about hair metal bands. But pro athletes are supposed to be role models. So it's ok to get drunk and drive your car and kill someone, or to get drunk and kill your cousin at a family BBQ, but it isn't ok to use steroids or to kill a dog.

zoltan said...

On an unrelated note, Kurt Warner is wearing gloves on both hands. In Arizona.

TJ said...

That's his thing. He always does that. God probably told him to.

Mark said...

It was Brian Blades, it was supposedly an accident. I doubt anyone believes that. Vince Neil killed one of the guys in Hanoi Rocks!

And Leonard Little, killed a mother of two avoided conviction and arrested for a second DUI a couple years later. If I remember correctly, he got a 6 game suspension. Slap on the wrist might be too harsh a phrase for that level of punishment.

TJ said...

All right, I'm taking the Packers on the road tomorrow night as our fifth pick. I believe the Saints are favored by 2. Doesn't matter, Pack win outright.

Mark said...

Oh yeah, I have an enormous man crush on Clifton Smith. Pretty impressive when you consider I didn't even know who he was on November 1st.

TJ said...

That's what you get for sniffing duster every day as you stroll through local cemetaries.

Geoff said...

This game is setting up for the scenario I outlined above...

Mark said...

I'm getting a little tired of TJ mailing his picks in late in the comments section. Make up some nonsensical drivel to go with your pick you lazy fucking bastard.

Mark said...

Don't be jealous that I'm expanding my mind/universe with the white trash LSD of the the 21st century.

TJ said...

Forget nonsensical, how about my actual logic?

Pack seem to have found their running game finally, Saints can't stop the run or pass, Grant has 100 yards, Rodgers 300, Brees throws for 350 2 TDs and 2 picks against an opportunistic Pack D, Reggie Bush (though off the IR) is still lost in his girlfriend's ass along with Lemmywinks and Brees ghastly birthmark is holding out for a guest spot on Fringe.

rob said...

jesus. it's the fucking seahawks, boys. wake the fuck up.

Mark said...

Ummm, so our 5 month old pit bull just came running from the backyard, thru the house and jumped face first thru the screen to one the windows in our front room, after which he proceeded to charge across the street to go greet our neighbors.

I found this terribly funny. The gf...well, not so much.

Mark said...

Didn't Brees have his birthmark removed?

TJ said...

By Joshua Jackson and the cast of Fringe?

Mark said...

No, by James Van der Beek. Just after he led the team's locker room revolt against Bud Kilmer.

Mark said...

Well, thats nice. Geoff and Slater's high school chum Madison Hedgecock just scored his first career TD.

Mark said...

I wish I'd never been broiled!

Mark said...

Why is Arizona relying on gimmicks now that they're in the red zone. Now it's fucking 3rd & 7 and you might have to settle for a fg with only one pass attempt in the red zone.

Oh...nevermind...1st & goal at the 3.

zoltan said...

wildcat!

rob said...

mike sellers handled that pass like he was wearing tennis rackets on his hands. fuck.

zoltan said...

If the Toyota Tundra doesn't make sense, why does Chevy need to give me $6000 to buy their truck?

rob said...

so the broncos suck, huh?

TJ said...

Someone want to explain to me what the fuck the Broncos are doing today?

TJ said...

I really need to hit refresh before posting.

Mark said...

Indeed. The defense is awful and Mike Shanahan's off the street rb by committe approach seems to have finally caught up to him.

TJ said...

Did Betts just fumble?

Oh my he did...

rob said...

super job ledell. that extra yard was worth it.

TJ said...

I just heard Geoff drop f bombs from 5 miles away.

TJ said...

Andddd, nice work by the 'Hawks.

rob said...

betts is gonna give springs (or hasselbeck) a kiss on the mouth.

Mark said...

So anybody think Josh McDaniel goes to Philly and takes Matt Cassell with him? I'd enjoy seeing Philly fans destroy both of those guys.

TJ said...

I say Detroit Rock City.

TJ said...

Lose by two TDs, clinch a division.
Ladies and gents, your 2009 NFC West champ Arizona Cardinals.

Mark said...

While we (me) are asking questions...How happy is Peter King about the way this entire Favre situation has played out? He could conceivably spend the majority of his year covering Favre as subject 1a and 1b of his beat. The only way it gets better is if Favre meets Manning in the AFC Championship.

Whitney said...

Wheelhouse 3-2 this week, I believe. G:TB 3-0 and rooting for the Colts and Pack. Did anybody ever come up with the current standings?

TJ said...

No, we did not. I'll get the intern on it tomorrow morn.

Rhymenocerous said...

Late to jump into the comments here, but have been tending to a sick wife and a hyper 1 year-old all day. ENORMOUS win by the Jets, albeit over a 10-0 Titans team that jusn't wasn't as good as their record indicated.

Jeff Fisher did not have a strong game. He abandoned the run early, when he really needed to get that going to rest his defense, which the Jets were pushing all over the field.

(places TMQ hat upon head)

Brrrrk-brrrrk-brawwwk play of the week: Trailing 7-3 in the second quarter, the Titans face a 4th and 3 at the Jets' 36 yard line. Fisher orders punter Craig Hentrich on for a punt. The punt bounces into the end zone for a 16-yard net gain. Amazingly, neither Nance nor Simms even mentioned what a fraidy-cat play it was. Terrible oversight by them. TMQ writes "game over" in my notebook. TMQ also writes "I still hate Jews" in there as well. Finally, TMQ writes "I love to masturbate to the cheerleaders at my son's high school football games."

(removes TMQ cap)

TJ said...

Sounds like TMQ and Gary Glitter should get together some time.

TJ said...

You know, that random Snowman Temple of Doom pic I chose for the Ravens/Eagles game turned out to be a pretty accurate depiction of what happened.

TJ said...

Memphis might want to learn to make some free throws sometime this decade.

Rhymenocerous said...

So the way I see it, it's not that bad if I drank a whole Chimay by myself while working from home at 9 PM because it's really like a Tuesday night. With a 3 day work week ahead of me, I'm okay, right?

Indy goes up on a gutsy 4th and goal call by Tony Dungy! My pick may hold up.

You don't mess with the Rezvan. Or his picks.

TJ said...

San Diego has quite a few big, tall chaps catching passes. Gotta be the tallest set of wideouts in the league, no?

TJ said...

OK, I am taking all guesses as to when he fucks up again and gets banned for life. I say sometime during this year's playoffs:

Sources told ESPN's Chris Mortensen on Sunday that the Cowboys defensive back must strictly adhere to the terms of his reinstatement and any missteps will lead to a lifetime ban from the NFL.