Thursday, August 28, 2008

Labor Day NCAA Football Preview

There are two "pivotal" games on the docket on Monday. If you are like me, you will be ready for some red, hot NCAA action to ease the pain that inevitably comes with the end of Summer.

Fresno State (+5.5) @ Rutgers, 5 PM
(over/under at 60)

We fold the first of our Labor Day game previews into the most hallowed tune sung by Rutgers fans along the banks of the old Rar-i-tan River: Rutgers "The Bells Must Ring."

March, men of Rutgers,
Down the field today,
March to another score,
Forward to the fray.

Fight! men of Rutgers
As in days gone by,
Fight! for the Scarlet flag
Over the rest must fly.

March they will, but only because they've hitched their wagon to the right arm of QB Mike Teel. Hidden behind the Raymell Rice hype machine, Teel threw for 20 TDs and over 3,000 yards as a junior. His top targets, Tiquan Underwood and Kenny Britt return. Both exceeded 1,000 reception yards last year. So Scarlet Knights fans should hope the pigskin flies like the Scarlet flag if Rutgers is to make a run in the Big East.

While folks question the strength of their running game, I point to the strength of the name of the team's running quarterback threat - Jabu Lovelace. With an androgynous porn name like that, you have more pressure to perform in the bedroom than on the field. He'll give defensive coordinators headaches when he lines up behind center.

Keep Rutgers colors to the fore,
For they must win so fight, fight, fight!
And we'll advance some more to score,
The Rutgers flag flies high tonight, alright, alright.
We'll fling the Scarlet banner out,
And Rutgers men will fight, fight, fight!
The bells of Queens each victory shout,
The bells of Queens must ring tonight.

Rutgers will line up against a team that sports their same scarlet and white colors. Other than that, there's not much to offer on Fresno State. The editorial staff of G:TB does have to admit they have a soft spot in their collective hearts for this school for the following reasons: a) they play a decent out-of-conference schedule this year, with early games against Rutgers, Wisconsin and UCLA., b) the Jerry Tarkanian Samurai Sword Era, and c) the baseball team introduced me to The Skullet cut.

One thing I know is that the Bulldogs are flying across the country and staying in Piscataway, NJ. If that's not enough to demoralize a team, I don't know what is. Rutgers fans will be out in force, James Gandolfini will be on the sideline (trying to snort it), the sun will be shining and the nymph goddesses in the Raritan River will work their magic to lead the home team to victory. G:TB says take Rutgers and the under. They will pull out a 33 to 21 win.

Tennessee (-0.5) @ UCLA, 8 PM
(over/under at 47)

If there's one thing that Volunteer fans seem to hate, it's Phil Fullmer. Maybe it's because he's a polarizing figure. Maybe it's because he can't seem to get his team out of the muck in the middle of a competitive SEC. Maybe it's because he looks like Fred Thompson with an extra chromosome. Whatever the case may be, fans that don't like him and hope the team has a fighting chance in the SEC this year (Editor's note: They have no chance) can't be excited by the action that sports bettors are laying this weekend.

The Vols travel out to the turf of official G:TB villain Randy Newman to face a UCLA squad in the first year of the Rick Neuheisel era. Vegas has the Bruins getting only half a point. Bettors seem to be ignoring the fact that UCLA's starting QB Patrick Cowan got hurt (again), their backup QB Ben Olson got hurt (again), and the man with the third best arm on campus, Kevin Love, bolted for the NBA. That doesn't give new offensive coordinator Norm Chow much to work with. It will take a couple years for the staff to recruit the athletic thugs that Neuheisel prefers, so there are dark days ahead for fans of the 2008 UCLA Bruins.

The Vols offense will leverage some Yankee, I mean A-10, I mean CAA football brainpower this year. Former Richmond head coach Dave Clawson is the new offensive coordinator. Thankful that he no longer has to strategize against the powerful secondaries in I-AA, I mean FCS football, Clawson will use new QB Jonathon Crompton (Tebow size, Tee Martin skills) to try to get some points on the board.

G:TB thinks things will go as smoothly for Neuheisel in the PAC 10 as they've gone for Ty Willingham. Look for the Vols to run up the score in a lopsided match. take Tennessee and the over in a game that won't be as close as the score looks: Tennessee 34, UCLA 17.


rob said...

i'm gonna guess that's prematurely posted.

Mark said...

Oh, good lord, somebody turn on Jim Rome's show so you can see what the fuck Doug Gottlieb is wearing...I'm literally without speech.

TJ said...

Are his dress pants backwards?

Mark said...

Not sure on that one...