Thursday, August 28, 2008

I Hate Myself for Loving You

“My name is Rob, and I’m a fan of the Washington Redskins and the Alabama Crimson Tide.”

“Hi Rob!”

An Alcoholics Anonymous-style greeting seems appropriate, as the current incarnations of my two favorite football squadrons fill me with a self-loathing I can only assume equals that of a drunk on a week-long Mad Dog 20/20 bender who wakes up next to a snaggle-toothed, tattooed (and not in a good way) barmaid named Doris, with a vaguely unpleasant burning sensation in his manparts and an unexplained ring on his finger.

In Dan Snyder and Nick Saban, my gridiron faves boast two of American sports’ most megalomaniacally disagreeable personalities, and I’ll not mince words: their presence makes my fandom less enjoyable. These are franchises that were once led by legends epic in their impact on the game and their teams. Jack Kent Cooke and Bear Bryant were larger than life, giants who could do no wrong, even when they did wrong. To say the current regimes pale in comparison redefines the concept.

Nonetheless, we’ve got good, old fashioned American football on the television in 8 short hours, and just like my GTB colleagues, I’m all kinds of pumped to hear the roar of the crowd, boom of the bass drum, and crack of pad on pad contact. And so, in an effort to distract myself and fight off the urge to self-mutilate, let’s talk football.

Alabama vs. Clemson (- 4.5)

I keep trying to convince myself that the Tide’s the right side in this one: SEC>ACC, Saban>Tommy Bowden, Crimson & Cream>Orange & Purple. But I just don’t believe in this Alabama team. Clemson’s got exceptional talent at the skill positions, and is one of the few ACC squads with the speed to compete evenly with SEC teams. Saban will almost certainly be able to cheat his way to a few extra scores (starting with frosh wideout Julio Jones – we don’t really think that Escalade he’s driving came from Mom and Dad, do we? A joke, friends. We kid.), but I’m still not sold on John Parker Wilson as a big-time talent. He’s tougher than most kids with that SEC fratboy hair flop, but he’s not an elite signal-caller, despite what the good people of Birmingham tell themselves at cocktail parties. As much as it pains me, I like Clemson and the points.

Southern Cal @ UVA (+18.5)

Somewhere, a bunch of dipshits wearing blue blazers, orange and blue rep ties, and a misplaced sense of entitlement are gripping handles of Virginia Gentleman and believing their Wahoos have a snowball’s chance in hell against USC. Somewhere else, Gryffindor prepares for its’ epic Quidditch match with Slytherin. The latter is based more in reality.

27 comments:

TJ said...

Attaboy tiny...

TJ said...

Wait a second, I'm away for a week and Jay Mariotti resigns?

I need to go away more often.

Geoff said...

I could really go for a MD 20/20 right now. Its exactly what's been missing in my day so far.

Mark said...

My local 7-11 has taken to stocking its shelves with multiple flavors of Cisco. I find this terribly disturbing.

TJ said...

You live in Florida. Strange things are afoot at the Cisco.

Geoff said...

Cisco? I don't know what that is. Are you talking about the shortening...or the internet company...or the gay singer who was having an affair with Yancey Thigpen?

Sisler said...

2 bottles of MD 20/20 Banana Red are the reason the College Deli did not have a bathroom stall for approximately 3.5 years.

rob said...

i once conducted an impromptu md 20/20 tasting at a supermarket in tuscaloosa. neither the manager nor the local constabulary were impressed, but i really needed to know which flavor i liked best.

Mark said...

Cisco is very similar to MD 20/20. Its disgusting, potent and comes in many flavors.

http://hotwingsandbeer.blogspot.com/2007/04/juices-liquor-cabinet-cisco.html

One of my high school teammates got kicked out the team because he got caught stealing multiple bottles of Cisco from Winn-Dixie.

Whitney said...

Cisco was introduced to the world (at least the Williamsburg market) when we were in college. The urban legend behind it was that it was being labeled "liquid crack" after somebody got drunk on it and dropped a cinder block from an overpass onto a car driving down the highway below. Nothing like a story like that to get the college kids racing to the Beer Lion and buying it in large quantities.

Whitney said...

For you fortified wine enthusiasts, here's another among us who get accused of having "too much time on our hands"...

Oh, and Cool Breeze orange was my terrible wine of choice for a while. Awful stuff, and this guy seconds that.

rob said...

boone's farm makes a tasty strawberry version that contributed directly to one of my favorite college memories and the destruction of a very small part of norfolk.

Whitney said...

Boone's was indeed a big time favorite among the William & Mary girls.

Geoff said...

What kind of coin is required to procure a MD 20/20 these days? I feel like back in the late 90's it was around $3...

Whitney said...

20 years ago there was a brand of cheap wine -- I believe made by Richards, purveyors of Wild Irish Rose -- called Catawba, and it was without a doubt the most heinous among the bunch. Late one night freshman roommate Doug did a beer-bong's worth of the neon pink-purple stuff. Damn near killed 'im.

18-year-olds experimenting with fortified wine is the type of activity that gets fraternities banned and universities sued.

Whitney said...

Could be a G:TB field trip to go see how much cheap wine costs these days... and then buy it and drink it.

Wild Irish Rose seems to be retailing for $4.10 here, though on sale for $3.

MD is even cheaper, Cisco is a little more.

Zoltan said...

I thought College Deli didn't have a stall because some fat drunk bastard knocked the divider off the wall when he fell over while trying to piss.

Whitney said...

Another disappointing thing: it was always easiest to refer to these fine selections as the singular genre "screw-top wine." Nowadays, with vineyards using modern technology to wedge out the cork, this is no longer a monopolistic attribute.

Michael Jack said...

The green MD 20/20 was a favorite of mine in college. you knew that it was going to be an interesting night when we stopped by the food mart to get those. I also remember Catawba. terrible stuff. what was the name of the food mart on Richmond Road before it became Wawa?

I've found a nice grocery store on East Glebe Rd that still sells it. great clientele.

Geoff said...

I'm fully supportive of a fortified wine event...possibly coinciding with a Tribe game...

And Zoltan makes an excellent point regarding the stall...the Mad Dog was never even there.

Mark said...

A fortified wine field trip will kill one of you guys. Our old bodies (and livers) cannot handle that kind of abuse.

Geoff said...

Agreed. If I drank two bottles of 20/20 I'm pretty sure the subsequent hangover would require hospitalization and several tampons. The hangover I had after the Green Leafe shot bonanza that took place three weeks ago (with many of the folks who frequent this space) almost ended me and was not worth any amount of fun. The only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that Dennis was even more miserable than I.

rob said...

i'm glad mark's finally made the concession that he, too, is old. not as old as us, but old nonetheless.

TJ said...

Age is just a number rob.

Like your womens' size 4's.

Mark said...

I'm 30, Rob...this is old. I never denied that. Just like to point out that I'm not as old as you or Whitney.

jerome said...

What, nobody picks the Buffalo-UTEP game?

Whitney said...

MJ, the food mart on Richmond Rd was the Sentry before it became a Wawa.

Before that it was the Tinee Giant, aka the TG, the Teej (not to be confused with the G:TBer of the same nickname) or the Tinee Penis.