What We've All Been Waiting For...

Hope everyone's holiday season has been treating them well. Speaking of treats, we're looking to finalize our long-awaited review of the GN'R album Chinese Democracy. It's actually going to be a lot bigger and better than we'd originally anticipated, so it'll probably be up sometime in February. Stay tuned! It will be worth the wait.

Mark Doing Karaoke

No matter what Mark tries to tell us to the contrary, I imagine his Christmas Night karaoke performance went a little something like this...

Revisiting Masterpieces: Episode I - Teen Wolf

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Hey Ladies

And here I was thinking the President-elect was a scrawny fellow. Hey, Iran - our President can kick your President's ass. Russia, well, maybe not.

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 11th Day

On the eleventh day of Gheorghe-mas

Big Gheorghe gave to me
Eleven fillers filling
Ten Righteous Moments
Nine Head-lines We Want (in 2009)
Eight maids-a-milking?
Seven clips you-tubing
Six gifts worth giving
Fiiiiive(ish) feeeet of height
Four awful words
Three Richmond wins
Two sweet 'stache photos
And a fat guy in a jer-sey

Do I even have eleven fillers for this post? Does it even matter? All this post needs to do is hold some space until Whitney unleashes his epic Day 12 (yep, no pressure Whit, none at all). Could I talk about one of my favorite fillers here, the "Fashion is Dumb" posts? Sure I can, I'm writing this gibberish. Well then, in that case, here is my holiday selection for FiD (in this case it's not so much dumb as it is an excuse to post a pic of some models in zippy clothing...and awful stockings):

rob and I even tried to disguise our (my) endless filler by giving it a fancy Romanian name, Ceai Complet. It fooled no one, but it's still an enjoyable morning diversion.

Then there's this, my favorite ceai/filler post of all time. Dave even gave me an A++ for my effort. Yet no sentence in my honor. How sad.

Is bitching about the new McDonald's "Nuggnuts"ad campaign filler? I would think yes. Trust me, I like McNuggets quite a bit (you've all seen the fat guy in a jer-sey), but even I am appalled by this. The McNugget wedding cake makes me want to vomit. Then again, is this ad campaign any more bizarre or annoying than the "Whopper Virgin" ads? I'll get back to you on that one, as soon as I figure out why I should give two shits that an Inuit villager prefers the Whopper to the Big Mac.

The Ghoogles...enjoyable as all get out, but glorified filler. I hope all the American Anthem and Christmas Eve in Washington fans can get together sometime. Sounds like a rollicking good time.

Let's not kid. The aforementioned Ceai Complet often ends up just being this blog's version of Jay Leno's Stupid Criminals bit. But in that vein it does provide our loyal following with glimpses at pillars of the community such as this clown...and this fucking moron.

Speaking of morons, Mark's home state of Florida provides enough daily filler to be it's own blog. At the very least it could be its own regular blog post (Mark, I realize you are most likely engaged in a vicious papal ballot recount right now, but that's called a hint).

So, basically, after reading this day eleven drivel you probably want to know why we don't just call this Filler: The Blog? Well, first of all, back off. It's not easy perusing Drudge each morning and pulling Family Guy clips from an episode I watched for the 690th time the night before. But mainly, it's because the rest of the editorial staff actually provides you, the dear reader, with something of substance. Occasionally. But that sure as hell doesn't mean I plan to stop bombarding you with all these exciting "posts" in the new year. You could only be so lucky...

And of course, on that note, I'm ending day eleven the only way I know how...by going that extra push over the cliff, all the way to eleven...

G:TB's Week 16 NFL Picks

Look at Dennis getting us started...now, does anyone else plan to pick a game?

I like Miami -4 at Kansas City and Philly -5 at Washington. I also like long walks on the beach, being tickled just right, and potpourri. I'm Dennis, and that's one to grow on.

Everybody's favorite random drunk, Greg, is back in my neck of the woods for a week or so. And in between pissing in the lobby of the local Sheraton and telling girls he was a minor league hockey player last night, well, we talked a little football. Greg says the Bucs (-3) are locks to beat San Diego today and keep their playoff hopes alive. I say Greg is a no good drunk who may or may not make out with his brother when they're reunited over the holidays. I also watched enough Brian Griese last week to know that the Bucs don't have Frosty's chance in hell (The (snow) man did some unspeakable shit with that corn cob pipe) with him under center. Fortunately, it looks like Garcia will get the start today. So, I'll go against my better judgement and take the Bucs (-3) at home.

I haven't picked two games in some time but I doubt TJ's going to pick any games since he's likely too busy texting Rob about W&M basketball. And Rob's not going to pick any games because he's playing Littlest Pet Shop with his girls (the size of the toys finally makes him feel like a grown up). And Whitney, well, who the fuck knows what that guy is doing. Other than getting drunk on some obscure micro-brew and listening to Springsteen bootlegs whilst masturbating to tapes from this, of course. Admittedly, thats a pretty full day for the old guy so we'll cut him some slack. However you slice it, it means I have to pick another game. Hey, the Texans have been hot lately...and the Raiders have been a pile of hot shit all season long. Looks good to me. Houston (-7.5) over the Silver & Black.

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 10th Day

On the tenth day of Gheorghe-mas

Big Gheorghe gave to me
Ten Righteous Moments
Nine Head-lines We Want (in 2009)
Eight maids-a-milking?
Seven clips you-tubing

Six gifts worth giving

Fiiiiive(ish) feeeet of height

Four awful words

Three Richmond wins

Two sweet 'stache photos

And a fat guy in a jer-sey

2008 was a banner year in Gheorghedom. We broke through the critical mass barrier, adding celebrated pundits Rhymenocerous and Mark to create the internet’s first mega-micro blog (defined as having more writers than readers). The multi-mentioned William & Mary Tribe hoops squad had the best postseason in school history, and our coverage led to a G:TB mention in the W&M Alumni Magazine – on the same day we celebrated George Carlin’s Seven Words. Sorry, Mom. GTB staffers met Sugar Ray Leonard, Michael Litos, Extra P, and our namesake. We gained actual female readers. We dealt with the difficult issues of our time: hangovers, heightism, mustaches, and recently, in a very special GTB post, lactation. As we close the book on this eventful annum, we look forward with a renewed sense of (no) purpose and a commitment to windmill-tilting and lunatic populism. But until Baby New Year waddles into view, a brief look back at the things that tickled our sporting fancy in 2008:

Usain Bolt breaks the sound barrier. GTB's a sucker for the Olympics, and Bolt's performance in the sprint events went beyond dominant, past plaid, all the way to interstellar. His paradigm-shifting performance changed the way we think about the limits of human physical ability. Only slightly less impressive was the sychronized drum/dance/acrobatics of what appeared to be the entire population of China in the Opening Ceremonies.

Roger Clemens and O.J. Simpson feel karma's cold kiss. Our disdain for the Texas Con Man is as long-documented as it is irrational. That disclaimer noted, there were very few stories in 2008 that warmed our bully-hating hearts more than the grotesque dance between Clemens, Brian McNamee, George Mitchell, and the U.S. Congress. And if Clemens is the object of rob's lunatic disdain, O.J. Simpson is Teejay's white whale. Ahab finally got his man.

Tommy Smyth says 'onion bag'. We've never been above a little (more than a little) 'you had to be there' humor. In an inside joke for 3 or 4, we had a spirited liveblog commentary over at Mark's old stomping grounds during the UEFA Champions League Final between Manchester United and Chelsea. Early in the match, I offered Mark a bottle of Jameson's if the word 'onion' was uttered at any time during the telecast, after Mark made mention of Bill Raftery. And during extra time, the brilliant Smyth broke off an 'onion bag', clear as day. Cracking good match despite the fact that ManU won on penalties, and an excellent waste of a few workday hours. And someday Mark may even see that bottle.

Earl Boykins and Dustin Pedroia stand tall. The 5'5" Boykins became the Italian league's highest-paid cager, while the 5'9" (give or take 3 inches) Pedroia went one better, capturing the American League Most Valuable Player award.

Alabama becomes Gatorbait. In a terrific game that may have exceeded the hype, Florida defeated Alabama, 31-20, in the SEC Championship game. In an awe-inspiring feat of prognostication that will never, ever exceed the hype that we'll give it for the next several decades, Mark and I both predicted that exact result.

David Tyree channels Lester Hayes. In a most unexpected Super Bowl, the Giants' Tyree made one of the more improbable big-game catches of all-time, pinning the ball to his helmet while Rodney Harrison clawed desperately at him. (Seriously, look at that picture. How in hell did Tyree hold that ball without a Hayesian amount of stickum?) Lost somewhat in the excitement of the catch is Eli Manning's desperate scramble to avoid a sack on the play that ultimately defined the Giants' comeback.

Hashem Thabeet did this.

Peter King finally comes to his senses. And Art Monk finally gets into the Hall of Fame.

Stephen Curry gets his mom some much-deserved airtime. Dell, you funky homosapien. First Steph goes all Teen Wolf on Georgetown and Wisconsin, then little brother Seth starts killing fools for Liberty. All the while, you roll into arenas all around America with Mrs. Curry on your arm and a whole nation of Hokies praying you have a third son.

David Schneider wreaks vengeance. Yes, William & Mary basketball gets a disproportionate amount of coverage here. Yes, we've already covered Tribe sports at least twice in the 12 days. Yes, it's a little bit pathetic. But Schneider's jumper at the buzzer to beat Georgia State in the first round of the CAA Tournament was the best sports moment I saw live this year, and it kicked off a thoroughly improbable and dizzying 4 days of dreaming the impossible dream. And it is our blog, and you will listen to every word we say.

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 9th Day

On the ninth day of Gheorghe-mas

Big Gheorghe gave to me

Nine Head-lines We Want (in 2009)

Eight maids-a-milking

Seven clips you-tubing

Six gifts worth giving

Fiiiiiive(ish) feeeet of height

Four awful words

Three Richmond wins

Two sweet 'stache photos

And a fat guy in a jer-sey

Listed below are some headlines that we, the weary masses of sports fans, hope to receive in 2009. May the gods of karma shine their light upon us.

1) Favre, Clemens* Reveal Relationship, Move to Brokeback Mountain (with Brett’s Wranglers in tow).
These two people need to go away. Nobody wants to hear about their steroids, their love of the game, their spouses, their hometowns, their strong arms or their Hall of Fame careers and/or their love of substances. Please leave now. Thank you. Remember guys - it can be like this. Always.
*Roger, not Kellen

2) Bud Selig Chokes on a Brat, Has Near-Death Experience, Relinquishes Position as Commissioner of Major League Baseball
Mr. Selig has done very little of substance to steer the league out of its strike-related doldrums. A drug-filled power surge and a combined six world titles from the league’s most storied franchises (New York and Boston) did more to bring attention back to the sport than anything Mr. Selig did. He will be known as the clueless parent who ignored the kids’ needle and pill habits, a man who decided an All-Star game tie was fair, whose qualification for the position consisted of guiding the Brewers to a generation of mediocrity. You are the anti-Gheorghe, Mr. Selig. And don’t you ever kid yourself otherwise. Ever.

3) Undefeated Team from non-BCS Conference to Play for National Title
One of the more overlooked aspects of the current NCAA football set-up is that a non-BCS conference team has ZERO chance of winning a national championship. In 2008, there were 119 Division I-A teams, 65 of whom played in a BCS conference. That means there were 54 teams with no chance of winning the title in their sport. Boise State and Utah ran the table this year, with wins over legitimate programs such as Michigan, Oregon State, BYU, TCU, Oregon, Hawaii and Fresno State. Yet they won’t play for a title. It makes no sense to have a landscape where 45% of the competition doesn’t have a chance, especially since every one of the 1,424,789 Division I basketball programs has at least a snowball’s chance at a title.
(Editor’s Note: We refuse to use the new bogus FCS initials the NCAA is foisting upon us and, in fact, denounce foisting in all forms not related to drinking, peer pressure and hitting on women).

4) Jerry Jones Goes Bankrupt, Forced to Halt New Stadium Construction (and Botox Treatments), Puts Cowboys Up for Sale.
I know very little about the current state of his finances. But I do know he’s a pompous oilman who is in the midst of building an exorbitantly expensive stadium. He’s heavily exposed to a commodity whose price has fallen 75% from its peak earlier this year, and he’s heavily indebted at a time when nobody is interested in lending unless it carries usurious terms. Lenders have started playing hard-ball with him amidst his next round of plastic surgeries, leaving him and his face hanging in limbo, as seen in the photo to the right.

5) William & Mary Football Ramps up Aggressive Recruiting Techniques to Stay Competitive in Colonial Athletic Association
The Tribe has always put a competitive squad on the field, thanks to coach Laycock’s prolific offensive schemes, but the defense has rarely looked staunch by any means. The brain-trust on the Hampton Roads peninsula needs to start picking off some of the home-grown talent that’s retreating to the land of the Dukes and the Spiders. If it means dropping admission standards a bit to get a cornerback, so be it.

6) Liu Chunhong, Chinese Olympic Weightlifting Hero and Gold Medalist, Denies Rumors of External Genitalia
We all know the story of Ms. Chunhong’s Olympic record-breaking feats (previewed here and recapped here), but little has been said of the person behind the singlet. More specifically, the gender of the person behind the singlet. Let’s hope the rumblings in Beijing are nothing but malicious rumors propagated to bring down a legend.

7) Mark Cuban Buys the Chicago Cubs.
Old money hates the guy because he’s a tool, but he’s a likeable tool, the kind of guy we could relate to if we rolled with billionaires. Cuban would be a major upgrade from current owner (and current d-bag) Sam Zell. This marquee franchise needs a reason to feel good about itself these days.

8) Mitch Gaylord, Janet Jones-Gretzky to Produce American Anthem II, starring Shawn Johnson and the Hamm Brothers.
Self explanatory. And awesome. And inevitable.

9) Gheorghe Muresan Signed to 10-Day Contract by New Jersey Nets.
Yi Jianlian needs a big man to educate him on the cultural morays of America so he can continue adapting to Western culture. It would be Gheorghe’s second stint with the team, so you wouldn’t even bother telling him to stop calling Devin Harris Lucious. But seriously, what better chick magnet and wing man can Yi have than Gheorghe? Yi turned 21 on October 21st, so 2009 will be the first year when he can party it up legally in all of the two fine establishments in the Rutherford area. These two men should live together and ESPN should have a reality series about their daily goings-on, with Gheorghe leading the charge in their active days and slut-filled nights.

Dunk of the Day

According to rob and Rhymo, this Josh Smith dunk is worth viewing, though the Zapruder-esque quality of the clip makes it difficult to see the first time around. The replay does it justice.

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 8th Day

On the eighth day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Eight maids-a-milking?
Seven clips you-tubing

Six gifts worth giving

Fiiiiive(ish) feeeet of height

Four awful words

Three Richmond wins

Two sweet 'stache photos

And a fat guy in a jer-sey

We know, we know. By day eight you’ve come to expect more clever parody, but on this day of Gheorghe-mas, we’re keeping it organic. As we approach the extended eve of the birth of your…pause…favorite beat writer’s 2nd child, and second round of breast feeding classes, we thought it made sense to provide a quick public service announcement. Don't worry, it is what you’re thinking - lactation appreciation to stir into that Egg Nog and sip over the holidays. With a little whimsy sprinkled on top like ground cinnamon. Mmm, delicious!

G: TB: Fun Facts: Part 1: We like our women disease-free, busty, and cheap.

1. Breast milk is proven to reduce the risk of diseases and illnesses in both children AND mothers – most notably SIDS in infants and breast, cervical and ovarian cancer in mothers.
**Breast fed babies have a proven reduction in the onset of allergies, diabetes, and obesity later in adolescence.
**Humans are the only species that will rely on another animal’s milk for survival. Why? Well, there are a number of reasons that get fairly philosophical which we’ll avoid in this space. But, it is a fact that human babies are and will never be allergic to human milk. So, what’s the problem here?

2. Any boob guys out there? New mothers will see their bust size increase easily on average from 2-4 cup sizes when breast feeding. And let’s take it a step further - women actually burn calories by breast feeding. So, not only will your baby mama be more voluptuous, but she’ll stay trim around the edges without even releasing a latch (Note: for follow-up reading on achieving an optimal latch, please contact this gentleman for materials and diagrams).

3. Good formula is really expensive at best and deadly at worst. Not to mention getting extremely risky in the production stages – both fiscally and legally. There have been over 30 formula recalls in this country alone in the past 20 years – luckily with minimal mortal impact. China hasn’t been so lucky. They’re currently in a formula fiasco that has left hundreds of infants critically ill and dozens dead – with 20 people behind bars for knowingly skimping on production efforts to keep costs down. The Chinese black market is now swimming in breast milk.

Now that you’re armed, let’s get dangerous in 2009.

With the economy likely to struggle well into next year, let’s consider some job opportunities in the lactation industry:

1. Wet Nurse – dual income households and adoption are on the rise, convenience and biology provide the demand. Hell, you can buy breast milk on Craig’s list. If we put our minds to it, we could make the U.S. the Saudi Arabia of the mother’s milk market. I know about a billion Chinese women that are reading with interest…

2. Wet “Nurse” – a known fetish in the escort world, and it sure came in handy for Clive Owen in the little-known pulp doozy, “Shoot Em Up”. Although, I have a feeling most of these professional types don’t look much like Monica Bellucci does in that film.

3. Lactation Consultant - like a therapist, but with even less medical education and experience.

4. Sports Medicine – in the fallout of the steroids era, sports trainers, dietitians and chemists have been looking for an all-natural substitute to give professional athletes that edge they clearly need. It’s been discovered that breast milk, when broken down to its essential elements with specific proteins and vitamins isolated then remixed, will give similar effects to that of any anabolic steroid.

Merry Gheorghe-mas to all!!

So That's What Jodeci Has Been Up To

This may be a pathetic ploy to insert some new labels into the bowels of G:TB, but it's hilarious nonetheless. I thought that Jodeci was finished after K-Ci and Jo-Jo took off and became famous as a duo, but I guess they are still available for weddings...

Antonio Pierce's wife and Mets sportscaster Jocelyn Maldonado was having none of it when a Post reporter showed up at her house for a comment about her husband's alleged hijinks. See, before Pierce and Plaxico Burress went to a nightclub (where Burress shot himself), they went to Head Quarters strip club where Pierce was taped canoodling with a mysterious woman. Maldonado slammed the door in the reporter's face after saying, "That's not even him." Still, the Post claims it was—and that the woman later drove Pierce and Burress to the hospital on the fateful night. The strip club video is also given more romance novel treatment in today's Post, which recounts the play-by-play of how the Giants lineman "leans in to kiss her while briefly stroking her buttocks." We wonder if he tried that move on Maldonado at their Maui wedding in May while '90s R&B group Jodeci played their hit "All My Life" as the couple's first dance.

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 7th Day

If we didn't get a seventh day up soon, I feared Gheorghe-mas might be headed the way of Chrismukkah (look how confused Whit is in the corner). So in attempting to save Gheorghe-mas I asked the editorial staff what they'd like to see from my go-to source of content/filler...

On the seventh day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Seven clips you-tubing

Six gifts worth giving

Fiiiiive(ish) feeeet of height

Four awful words

Three Richmond wins

Two sweet 'stache photos

And a fat guy in a jer-sey

Mark might have been granted two clips, but he had to get all mouthy:
"I'd prefer both but I know you are a busy and important man who's flooded with literally tens of requests for content per month."

I was sent two excellent commercial choices (well, actually three, but we'll get to that in a moment). This one just beat out the Avis "I stack cheese" ad.

Whit was really excited about this one, something about we should have more sports on this blog. I don't know, I wasn't really listening.

Dennis went fresh and topical.

Rhymo-O really brought it with this, well, I don't know what this is actually.

And on this seventh and glorious day of Gheorghe-mas, how else could we finish?

Whoa

Presented without comment

Apologia

Gheorghe: The Blog offers our sincere and humble regrets for the dearth of remotely interesting content over the past, well, five years or so, really. But especially of late. There's no particularly compelling excuse, other than the fact that we're fairly lazy and unusually busy. Mostly the former, though.

The 12 Days of Gheorghe-mas will almost certainly continue soon, and we may even make it all the way to 12. In the interim, we commend to you Wheelhouse Geoff's agonized Redskins take, even as we wish it were more agonized. That team's not worth the words wasted on it.

Also, this paddleball game:

pick some games jerks

the minimalist version...

yeah, you heard me

okay, assmunch, we like the steelers on the road getting points (2.5) in baltimore.

Lions @ Indianapolis (-16.5)

I'm picking this game only because all of my G:TB colleagues told me not to. That and Dan Orlosky is starting at QB again against a Colts D that's tasted chicken blood again.... Danny will also be on a short leash apparently due to his inability to hit open receivers in practice against no defense. Oh, and the Lions are also not going to play Daunte again this year (for fear that he might throw 2 more TD's at which point a $1 Million dollar bonus kicks in), so it'll be Drew Stanton if things get really ugly. From there it becomes Randy Johnson at 6 AM after a night with his pal Johnny Walker...Colts by three TD's: 28-7.

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (-3)

The Bucs have managed to go from a potential division clinching game on Monday night (since two wins over Carolina would've effectively given them a 2 game lead in the NFC South) to a possible playoff elimination death match in 6 days. This is quite an accomplishment, even for a franchise with such a storied history of losing and underachievement. Did anybody else read Peter King's story on Derrick Brooks in SI a couple weeks back? For that matter, does anybody even subscribe to SI anymore? ( I had since 4th grade and cancelled it this year. Now I just steal it from my gym. Its a week old at this point, but its not anything in there is groundbreaking news these days anymore. Not with the talking picture boxes and the email machines).

Yeah, I know, Peter King is an idiot and a bit of a nancy boy for my tastes too but, when given the right topic/subject (colonoscopies anyone?), he can be a hell of a reporter. King did a great job of profiling Brooks' weekly routine and mental preparation in order to help explain why he's remained one of the NFL's most consistent and a prolific linebackers despite being older than a number of assistant coaches in the league. It's my guess that Brook's mental preparation, as well as that of his defensive teammates, will help the Bucs' defense rebound after being embarrassed by Carolina last week and lift Tampa to a crucial division win that keeps the Bucs in the thick of the playoff hunt. Atlanta's been a surprise this year and Matt Ryan's far exceeded expectations for most of this year, but he's due for a down game and Monte Kiffin, Brooks and Co. feast on young, inexperienced signal callers. Even with Jeff Garcia possibly out (torn rectum) and the looming possibility of a drunken Brian Griese lobbing balls to the Atlanta defense, I'll take Tampa and the points in the Georgia Dome on Sunday.

and because we have to, we'll take the giants +3 and the eagles -14. suck it, trebek.

Eazy-E loves JMU girls?

Last night was a pretty active night in the comments section of G:TB. Especially for a Friday night (Conclusion: We're old and rapidly approaching boring). I arrived home from an extended happy hour and checked in to find a number of people at home, logged on to G:TB, watching collegiate sports and debating the merits of the women of James Madison University.

Besides figuring out that the various members of this internet establishment, and a wheelhoser or two, really need to get out more. We also determined that, while the ladies of JMU may not be as smart, rich or successful as their counterparts in Williamsburg, they are, in fact, substantially hotter. So ladies of JMU, I'm sending this out to you...

TGIFiller

rob insisted we post something this morning. So this is something. Last night, as I was headed from my work holiday party to my wife's work holiday party, I had the lovely experience of being drenched by not only the shitty freezing rain hitting our area, but by the ole "car drives through puddle" move. It was every bit as shitty as you might imagine. Looked kinda like this:

I feel super this morning. No semblance of walking pneumonia at all.

What you gonna do when Darko runs wild on you?

I hate to interrupt the Gheorghe-mas festivities going on (not true), but I absolutely could not let another day pass without posting this clip of Darko Milicic and his 24 inch pythons (give or take 12-15 inches) ripping his jersey to shreds in frustration over a foul call two nights ago.



That's right brotha, Darko's a real American!

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 6th Day

On this most mundane of hump days, allow the splendor of G:TB to get you through your work day:

On the sixth day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Six gifts worth giving
Fiiiiive(ish) feeeet of height
Four awful words
Three Richmond wins
Two sweet 'stache photos
And a fat guy in a jer-sey

Gifts are generally considered fun. Some folks, like us at G:TB, are more into the "getting" of gifts than the "giving" of them, but the whole process is usually kinda fun, especially when the gift-giving is done to the special lady in your life. Or to your wife.

So we celebrate Day 6 with a sextet of holiday gift ideas, ranging from the cerebral to the less cerebral. With Festivus only fourteen days away, you'll want to get your shopping done before you need to prepare your list of grievances for airing.

Gift 1: Leinenkugel' s Sunset Wheat Beer
Quite simply, this is the most delicious beer I've come across since I first met the Yuengling brand in the late 1990's. Known as Leinie's, these Wisconsin beers are perfect on hot summer days, and they continue their trend of deliciousness this winter. Buy a 6-pack of them for someone you love. Or for your wife.

Gift 2: Music
Although the audience of G:TB still awaits reviews of a recent epic release, there is still a lot out there that is worth purchasing. In the "worth buying" category, we lump the following: The new Killers (stick to sports chats and ignore your horrendous musical tastes, Bill Simmons), any Killers you don't own (even Sawdust is worth it), the new Hold Steady, The Gaslight Anthem's "The '59 Sound" (so in the wheelhouse of the elder editors' tastes that it's almost eerie), the new Metallica and, of course, the new Slipknot.

Gift 3: Books
Continuing the trend of "things you can lazily buy people on Amazon.com", I present some of the best things I've read recently that I recommend highly. Or sober. "The Gargoyle" by Andrew Davidson, "The Best Game Ever" by Marc Bowden, "The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao" by Junot Diaz, "Boys Will Be Boys" by Jeff Pearlman, "The Great Railway Bazaar" by Paul Theroux and "Under the Banner of Heaven" by Jon Krakauer. This list of books I've read is the one positive thing I can show for myself as a newly minted suburban commuter.

Gift 4: Manliness
As men's men, the editorial staff of G:TB needs very little in terms of machismo. But we seek to help out you "lesser men" out there. So allow us to introduce you to a scintillating gift: A chest hair shirt. Ideal for the follically challenged brethren in our burgeoning readership.

Gift 5: Pure Genius
When you think genius and you think comedy and you think of DVD sets, you end up pontificating upon Frank Caliendo. Now you have the opportunity to get all the Caliendo you can swallow in one fell swoop. At the man's eponymous web site, you can buy a gift box containing two DVDs, chocolate and popcorn for a low price. Actually, you may not be guaranteed to get all of the popcorn and chocolate because Frank is packing the boxes himself. But you'll at least get the crumbs. And the DVDs.

Gift 6: Nudie Films
When shopping for the family, I've always found erotica to be a fun gift option. How am I versed enough to make a recommendation, you might ask? Well, I grew up in central NJ with a high school friend who worked in a video store (Yes, it was very much like Clerks). He showed me every disturbing movie offered for rent in this store. Among the deviant material proffered was a serious of films featuring a large, ebony woman named Bad Mama Jama (NSFW link). The films were tame, disturbing and funny at the same time, like most of the women roaming the campus of William & Mary. But the passion, the heartache, the thespian efforts (and the lesbian efforts) were noteworthy. Go indulge yourself today. Just not after you recently ate.

Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: On the 5th Day

After a weekend off to celebrate the glory of the BCS, wallow in our annual holiday procrastination tradition, trim a tree or two, and bask in some prognosticating genius, G:TB returns to the Twelve Days and to our self-mocking template:

On the fifth day of Gheorghe-mas
Big Gheorghe gave to me
Fiiiiive(ish) feeeet of height
Four awful words
Three Richmond wins
Two sweet 'stache photos
And a fat guy in a jer-sey

Right on cue in support of G:TB12DOG, 5'6", 142-pound Manny Pacquiao hammered the taller and heavier Oscar De La Hoya Saturday night, closing the book on the Golden Boy's career, and striking more than a metaphorical blow for the little guy. Coming just weeks after Dustin Pedroia was named the American League MVP, I'm here to tell you that the Pacquiao victory portends a seismic shift in height relations. No longer will the average-heighted walk blithely through this world. We're coming for the tall next.

And Randy Newman'll never see it coming. Mostly because he'll be looking over our heads. A bunch of guys in the picture below better watch out, too.