Friday, January 14, 2011

Why I Oppose Nut Shots

I have decided to get serious and oppose something too. Maybe not something as serious as this, but something deserving of attention, nonetheless. And I am ashamed to say this, but you are all to blame for this menace. I was once to blame as well, but I'm changing my tune from soprano to baritone. I am, of course, talking about the glorification of the nut shot.


The nuts . . . otherwise known as the jewels, the sack, the nut-sack, the balls, the scrotum, the tea-bag, the gonads, the purse, the testicles (if you're the scientific sort) and, my favorite: the junk. Despite the humble appearance of these wrinkled weebles, we must remember that they are where human life originates. No, they are not as elegant as the female genitalia; no, they will probably never achieve these aesthetic heights, but-- appearances aside-- they are half the equation in the creation of a new soul.


It is time for men to band together and protect their own. Everyday, billions of men go out into the world, naked, without the protection of an athletic cup, to earn their livings, eat large amounts of food, get drunk, and do many other very important manly things. And if one of those brave, unprotected men suffers a whack in the sack, what do other men do? They laugh. This is abominable and uncivilized. It is time for men to stop this derision towards their fellow brothers. Have you ever seen a group of women laughing at one of their own, just after she was kicked in the snatch?


There is no lower form of humor than the nut shot. There is nothing meaner than reveling in someones scrotal agony. I did some research-- make sure you scroll down-- and a nut shot is serious. There are a serious amount of nerves in the testicular region, plus even a "medium shot lowers sperm count." A nut shot can also cause you to double over because of abdominal spasms, and there is always the possibility of (gulp) a rupture. To laugh at misfortune is despicable. Especially if it is a fellow man doubled over holding his nuts. The Germans call this sort of humor "schadenfreude." And if the Germans have a word for it, then it's not funny. Good God! The nut shot is actually illegal in boxing, the most corrupt sport of them all (according to Igor).


If a brother man is hit in the nuts, we should not laugh, but empathize. Ask not what a nut shot can do for you, but ask what you can do for someone's nuts.




The digital age has compounded this problem. In simpler times, you saw maybe two or three nut shots a year. Perhaps at a soccer game, or during the breaking of the pinata at a kid's party. Now that we have access to nut shot compilations, we can see two or three nut shots a minute. Each and every day. We require more and more nut shots to sate our nut-thirsty habits. When will this end? Perhaps we will have learned our lesson when the American sperm count hits zero.


I can remember a day not so long ago, when Igor, Rob, and I sat on our freshman hall, hands over our genitals, eying our fellow men with suspicion, protecting ourselves from what we innocently called a "flang dang." Nut shots ran rampant for a few months on that freshman hall, and if I could get that time back, I would use it differently. Instead of oppressing my fellow man's junk, I would help that junk to flourish. There were girls right down the hall! Couldn't our time have been better spent? Spent procreating, freeing our nuts, instead of compressing them into painful oppression. And for what? A moment of laughter. This is no way to live. The next time someone tries to get you to watch a nut-shot video, look away. Just say no. Both your nuts deserve it.

62 comments:

Mr. Truck said...

as usual, having font problems. what is our default font?

mr. truck!!!!

T.J. said...

good god man

TR said...

I don't care. I love nut shots. They could change America's Funniest Videos" to "America's Funniest Nut Shots" for all I care.

zman said...

John Starks would weep in approval if he could read this.

mayhugh said...

I can't think you can just make the blanket statement that "Nut shots are funny" or, conversely, that "Nut shots are not funny." I think there are several categories of nut shots, e.g.:

-Sports nut shots: pretty funny, given that they are usually unintentional, unexpected, and most of the dudes have the option of wearing some sort of protection.

-Extreme sports nut shots: Almost always funny, given the "sports" reasons above, but with the added wrinkle that these guys (especially outside of organized competition) are trying to execute exceedingly stupid manuevres such as jumping a bike over three flights of stairs. They usually deserve it.

-Intentional nut shots: these are the ones where the recipeint of the NS fully knows its coming and is generally braced to "absorb" it. There is no reason to knowingly take an NS, and it's typically obvious that the video camera/phone is running solely to capture the shot in the nuts. Not funny at all. You've got to think of better material to post on YouTube.

Movie Nut Shots - almost never funny, pretty much have reached PASSE levels, much like monkeys dressed as humans, or animals or babies talking.

Dennis said...

Generally I think nut shots are the tits (especially now that I'm doing everything in my power to avoid a third child); but this sort of nut shot is where I draw the line...

KANSAS CITY, MO. — A Kansas City, Missouri, woman was arrested after allegedly shooting her husband in the groin during an argument.

According to a report in the Kansas City Star, the couple were arguing in their home in the 1100 block of East 76th Terrace when witnesses reported hearing a gun shot. When police arrived, the 50-year-old victim was preparing to drive himself to a hospital, claiming that the gunshot wound to the groin was an accident, and that he was trying to show his wife how to use the gun's safety.

zman said...

And thus we have the definitive 4-pronged test for the issue of whether any particular nut shot is funny. Very productive week here at G:TB.

mayhugh said...

Zman - I'm sure I stole most of that from Learned Hand.

zman said...

Learned Hand ... smackin' yo' nuts!

T.J. said...

Mayhugh has spoken.

Dave said...

i'm going to have to agree with mayhugh and write some sort of partial retraction to my statement, but this really has been a productive week!

Dave said...

and what is our default font called?

Danimal said...

dave - am embarrassed for your fellow gheorghians and their non-responsiveness.
i believe it is Trebuchet MS

Danimal said...

let's just say i have an eye for fonts

T.J. said...

Maybe it's comic sans, like Dan Gilbert.

Danimal said...

maybe for this post, the font should be DOTUM

Danimal said...

of DeesNaats

T.J. said...

K State's Jacob Pullen:

“This is my last go round, I’m not going to the NIT. I won’t play basketball in the NIT. I’m saying that now. If we lose and we have to go to the NIT, I will not play.”

T.J. said...

Drexel is going to absolutely drub the Tribe tomorrow.

zman said...

Speaking of people who take themselves too seriously, with regard to proposed legislation to limit the size of firearm magazines, Erich Pratt, director of communications for Gun Owners of America, said:

“These politicians need to remember that these rights aren’t given to us by them. They come from God. They are God-given rights. They can’t be infringed or limited in any way. What are they going to do: limit it two or three rounds. Having lots of ammunition is critical, especially if the police are not around and you need to be able to defend yourself against mobs.”

I think what he meant to say was:

They can’t be infringed or limited in any way ... unless set forth in a bill that is approved by 2/3 of both houses of Congress, and by 3/4 of states. In which case it can be completely infringed, limited, or revoked.

Dave said...

semi-automatic weapons are a gift from god?

Carter said...

TR - this is for you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37Lam073bi8

"My friend, me friend...you've just been kicked in the nuts."

zman said...

I don't understand why God didn't instead prevent angry mobs from arising; sounds like a more efficient gift to me.

Geoff said...

What's your favorite Bible verse about the unalienable right to large amounts of ammunition? I enjoyed the part in the book of Ruth when Ruth mercifully gunned down a pride of lepers.

T.J. said...

Isn't God too busy helping every athlete who ever has a good game...in any sport...at any time?

Geoff said...

Yes, and busy working against the guy who was guarding him.

zman said...

My agnosticism is what prevented me from being an elite athlete.

zman said...

I enjoy the passage where Cain slays Abel with a Tec-9.

Geoff said...

So apparently there was a bloodless coup d'etat in Tunisia today. What does that mean to me and you? Nothing. Nothing at all.

rob said...

you think that you can front when revelation comes? no, no you can't. and that's why you need automatic weapons.

Geoff said...

Rob's post reminded me that my wife asked me what the phrase "come correct" means last night.

T.J. said...

It means God didn't let Tunisia have guns? Or these particular Tunisians?

Geoff said...

TJ, details are still sketchy (because the goat carrying the one radio Tunisia had ran away) but it appears the current dictator got squirrelly and up and left the country.

Geoff said...

"had ran" is good stuff. I believe that's known as the passive-aggressive tense.

Mark said...

That's great. I'm having fun picturing Geoff explaining various terms of urban expression to his wife. If Geoff is somewhat stumped and can't fully explain it, does he call in Slater for backup?

As for my favorite firearm related bible verse, well there are just so many to choose from. I think I'd go the time Jesus on had two rounds left in the chamber and a mob of thousands descending upon him and somehow he made those two rounds last long enough to kill every last man, woman and child in the mob.

T.J. said...

When reached for comment on recent news about Tunisia and Pres Zine El Abidine Ben Ali, Ken Harrelson simply had this to say: "He gone!"

zman said...

Tell your wife to come to my place tonight and I'll show her how to come correct.

zman said...

And rob wins the rhombus.

rob said...

do the people at ben's chili bowl know that their founder's name is being taken in vain by a tunisian strongman?

T.J. said...

The Tunisian Strongman, slightly higher on the circus freak totem pole (sold separately) than the Bearded Lady, but not by much.

mayhugh said...

I'm having some fun imagining Geoff's wife sitting on the couch while he stands at the front of the room with a white board/projection screen and lazer pointer. First line on the board reads something like:

'Come Correct' = 'Bring It'

zman said...

I once said to Spec after he did something cool "Nice, I gotta give you props for that!" to which he replied "What are props?" and, after a few moments of reflection, I replied "They're like kudos only cooler." and he liked that.

zman said...

Is Trinidad near Tunisia? That might explain the Chili Bowl situation.

TR said...

Best show ever, Carter. And the voice of Cleveland to boot.

I'm so excited I'm gonna go home and kick my wife in the nuts.

T.J. said...

Countries that start with the letter "T"...

TANZANIA
THAILAND
TUNISIA
TURKEY

That's it, that's the list.

Mark said...

AWL.

In other news, I played in my regular Thursday night city league bball game last night. Due to various scheduling conflicts my team only had four guys show up. We played anyway. We were then informed at halftime that if we didn't have five players by game's end that we would have to forfeit. I've never heard of a rule like this before. We played the 2nd half as we thought one more guy may be able to make it before the game ended. He did not. My team won by 7 but still had to forfeit. This is fucking bullshit.

/rant over

Mark said...

Trinidad & Tobago isn't a country?

zman said...

Wes Welker is very Gheorghe.

http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2011/01/13/wes-welker-likes-his-foot-metaphors/

zman said...

Trinidad & Tobago aren't two countries?

zman said...

Taiwan Tajikistan Tanzania Thailand Togo Tonga Trinidad & Tobago Tunisia Turkey Turkmenistan Tuvalu

zman said...

How the hell could Teedge miss Tajikistan? His face is probably on the Tajik 3-dollar-bill.

T.J. said...

WHY HAS THE INTERNET FORSAKEN ME?!?!?

T.J. said...

Tajikistan's mountains provide many opportunities for outdoor sports, such as hill walking, mountain biking, and more challenging mountain climbing.

Hold on..."hill walking" is a sport?

T.J. said...

Dave, have you seen this?

http://deadsp.in/gZBoAk

Dave said...

i oppose that. the stick to the nether regions.

Geoff said...

Mayhugh...that was precisely my explanation..."bring it" equates to "come correct."

T.J. said...

Ah, the internet:

http://bit.ly/eYNW18

zman said...

Don't use Teejay's link at work.

T.J. said...

Unless you want to not have a job.

Forgot that part.

But man is it a good link...

Geoff said...

I've been watching the RNC chairman vote on CSPAN all day because I'm a tremendous douche. Michael Steele opened the ceremonies this morning with a moment of silence for Gabrielle Gifford...except her called her "Ginny" each time he mentioned her. We're now on the 4th ballot for chair and Steele just dropped out of the race. His final words were "And now I exit stage right." And then he immediately exited stage left. He's gafftacular.

Geoff said...

So apparently our boy Jared Loughner took pics of himself holding a gun and wearing nothing but a red g-string. Palin-esque!

T.J. said...

New "post" up...