Wednesday, August 09, 2006

"You guys think you're above the law...well you ain't above mine!"**

In light of the Wizards decision not to match the Knicks asinine contract offer to Jared Jeffries, it looks like Isiah has added yet another faceless Small Forward to his roster (this according to several depth charts I found on the interweb, and yes, I know it seems odd a 6'11" guy is listed at SF). Isiah seems to think having five of the same exact guy is a good policy...kinda reminds me of a certain actor who made a career out of playing the exact same emotionless, ponytailed drone in every movie (with the added bonus he kicked ass with a pot belly). We here at GTB (how quick is Whitney backpedaling away from this post?) thought we would do these Knicks SFs a favor and give them a little personality by attaching them to Mr. Seagal's best roles:

Jalen Rose (6'8", 215) - Absolutely the Nico Toscani (Above the Law) of this group. Jalen's the oldest and wisest of the boys, he's made the most noise in his career, and I'm betting he's kicked the most ass (statistically and perhaps literally as well). Much like Jalen, Nico emerged first, a bright star in his field (the field being generic Chicago/NY cop/detective)...able to run like a freaking girl for miles despite the pot belly AND break people's arms in an extremely cool fashion (seriously, when you first saw that move, you were blown away...admit it). Above the Law was easily Seagal's best work, and I think Jalen deserves this...after all he's stuck on the fucking Knicks. Plus, I sensed a real Nico/Zagon animosity between Jalen and Larry Brown.

Quentin Richardson (6'6", 230) - Gotta be Hard to Kill's Mason Storm...mainly because I think Quentin's been in a coma his whole career. Bonus points here because Storm is described on IMDB as a "go it alone cop" and I'm pretty sure Q is one of the most shameless gunners the NBA's ever seen (though he does has stiff competition from two of his teammates).

Qyntel Woods (6'8", 220) - Resident headcase and avid dog lover, Qyntel is perfectly cast as John Hatcher (Marked for Death). You remember, the movie where Seagal has to stop a Jamaican drug ring from ruining he and Keith David's neighborhood (this was during the time when Jamaican drug lords were THE bad guys in Hollywood). You telling me Qyntel wouldn't jump at the chance to visit Jamaica and kill Screwface in his extremely smoky lair?

Renaldo Balkman (6'8", 208) - A forgotten Seagal classic, Seagal plays NYPD detective Gino Felino in Out for Justice. Isiah's improbable 2006 first round pick is being forced into this role by me...mainly because I was running out of decent Seagal flicks and couldn't make fun of Knick SFs without mention of this soon-to-be epic disaster. Plus, I'm not sure which name is funnier, Renaldo Balkman or Gino Felino?

Jared Jeffries (6'11", 240) - The latest addition to the overcrowded SF collection, I'm letting Jared have the role of Under Siege ass-kicker Casey Ryback, though I'm pretty sure Gary Busey would kick Jared's ass. Is anyone else up for pushing "Dark Territory"as Jeffries nickname? (not to be confused with Charlie Murphy's nickname "Darkness")

**I cannot confirm this, but it is rumored GTB and Wheelhouse visitor "Mayhugh" often yells this at random people throughout the workday. His secretary Frieda has not returned our calls.

19 comments:

TJ said...

Programming Note: Catch "Hard to Kill" Friday night at 8pm on AMC...

Mayhugh said...

Further programming note - you can catch Erika Eleniak, the seasick, machine-gun carrying stripper from Under Siege, on the latest iteration of Celebrity Fit Club on VH1.

Talk about a fall from grace...

Whitney said...

Keith David, not be confused with David Keith, the dude from The Lords of Discipline.

Or Brian Keith, who was Uncle Bill Hardcastle.

My favorite Seagal appearance was in Marked for Death, unless you count the Big Easy drug trip I had where I envisioned that Steven Seagal came onstage out of nowhere to deliver a killer guitar solo in the middle of an Allman Brothers concert. It was strangely real.

rob said...

well, there goes that top secret clearance.

Whitney said...

In truth, he did jam with the Allmans; it just seemed druggily unreal. My drug-doing days are just figments of my imagination and/or prior to 7 years ago.

And in an unrelated note, in high school I was nailing a gorgeous young lady from upstate New York; you wouldn't know her.

TJ said...

If you need a quick pick me up, Seagal also sells an energy drink.
I'm serious.

Screwface said...

Bombaclot!!!

TJ said...

Yeah, I want some blow. Put your hands where I can see 'em or I'm gonna blow your head off.

Mini Me said...

Seriously what is Mr. Thomas doing? Anybody? lol.

TJ said...

Lee Suggs, franchise savior...

Frank said...

http://pabaseball.blogspot.com/2006/08/amen-from-bobbleheads.html

could be plagarism? sue?

TJ said...

It might be...and don't call me Sue.

TJ said...

Lee Suggs failed his physical...Jets to trade for Robert Edwards tomorrow.

Mark said...

Just see if you can get your hands on William Green instead. I hear he's a great guy.

Mini Me said...

...right.

TJ said...

Lonny Baxter...you are the Bama of the Week Week Week.

Geoff said...

Not so fast. I see your Baxter and I raise you a Koren Robinson.

TJ said...

A photo finish...and good job by Koren, looks like he gets to miss the whole season because he was such a fuck up early in his career.

TJ said...

This headline just caught my eye:
Arrest made in JonBenet Ramsey murder case

To which I say, Isn't the mother already dead?