Gheorghe Ponders...Part the Third

Like any good member of the East Coast liberal elite, I've spent far fewer words on the AL West than on the other divisions, both in the aggregate (well, there are only four teams to consider), but more importantly, on a per team basis.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Originality: In that there are no other major professional franchises (nor any other remotely prominent teams that come to mind) with heavenly hosts featured in their names, the Angels would seem to score quite high marks in this category. And when they were the California Angels, or even the Anaheim Angels, those high marks were deserved. Now, though, with their too-clever-by-half marketing-driven geographical realignment, they’re translated as the Angels of Angels of Anaheim. That’s not original; it’s something my 5 year-old would conjure, and then reject as moronic.

Geo-cultural relevance: As the California/Anaheim Angels, it was a sly nod to the team’s regional heritage without usurping the Dodgers’ rightful claim to Los Angeles itself. Now, it seems…well, dumb.

Tradition: Meh. The first thing that came to my mind as I pondered this category was Donnie Moore. That’s probably not what the Angels’ brass would select. They do have a World Series win in the 21st Century, and a history of competitive teams. So they’ve got that going for them, which is nice.

If They Named the Team Today…judging by Artie Moreno’s first attempt, they’d come up with something breathtakingly awkward, like the Southern California (Except Los Angeles Proper and San Diego) Grande Mission Cats.

Overall Impact: As the California/Anaheim Angels, this was a terrific team name, Disney-movie bastardization notwithstanding. As the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, it’s a disaster.

Seattle Mariners

Originality: Samuel Coleridge is bitter, but since only about 13% of baseball fans have the first clue who he is, and most of them confuse him with Bruce Dickinson, the M’s are on to something here. It also just sounds good.

Geo-cultural relevance: It’s a city on an ocean inlet, for Chrissakes. People drive boats to Seahawk and University of Washington football games. The only person I know in Seattle lives on an island and must take a ferry to get to downtown. This is a brilliantly evocative name for this town.

Tradition: The Mariners pale in comparison to their expansion brethren from Toronto, having never sniffed the World Series, despite winning 116 games in 2001. They do, however, have the Mariner Moose (a bit of an odd juxtaposition, frankly – they couldn’t have found a narwhal suit, or a salmon costume?). Hell, the team’s Hall of Fame only has four members, one of whom is a broadcaster.

If They Named the Team Today…their corporate overlords from Nintendo would demand cross-promotional value. The Seattle Wiizards, perhaps, or the Game Boyz.

Overall Impact: I love this name. It’s got a good syllabic mix, and it works perfectly for the team’s location. Nice work, pre-grungy dudes.

Oakland Athletics

Originality: As old-school as the game itself, Athletics wasn’t particularly original when the team was named back in the 1860s. Over time, though, as the team moved from Philadelphia to Kansas City to Oakland, the name took on a retro-kitschy vibe which turned the conservative derivation into a modestly hip new-age moniker. Oddly, the Billy Beane-era A’s are one of the least athletic teams in baseball, since all they care about is hitting homeruns and walking. (/Joe Morgan)

Geo-cultural relevance: If you’d been paying attention even one paragraph ago, you’d remember, and I quote, “…the team moved from Philadelphia to Kansas City to Oakland”. Try to keep up here, people. Of course there’s no relevance. I’m really gonna need you to start thinking for yourselves.

Tradition: A whole mess of tasty goodness here, as the A’s can trot out Connie Mack, Charlie Finley and his array of silly antics, terrific mustaches in the early 70s, day-glo uniforms, white cleats, Reggie Jackson, Vida Blue, Dennis Eckersley, the Bash Brothers, mountains of steroids, Dave Stewart, and one of the worst drunken episodes of my collegiate career. Long story.

If They Named the Team Today…they’d seek out the most undervalued naming property available, oblivious to the nervous guffaws of the entrenched “baseball men” still running the game. They’d jump ahead of the trend by going completely corporate, inking a multi-year, multi-million dollar deal to become the Bay Area Laboratory Cooperatives.

Texas Rangers

Originality: As a name itself in a vacuum, this is obviously not an original construction. As a franchise’s tag, though, it’s killer. I wish I’d thought of it first.

Geo-cultural relevance: A no-brainer bullseye. It specifically evokes Texas’ unique and colorful history, from the days of Sam Houston right through Chuck Norris.

Tradition: The team’s use of the name hasn’t nearly lived up its promise. I blame George W. Bush. Sorry, reflex.

If They Named the Team Today…Tom Hicks would drastically overpay a group of swishy naming consultants from some treehugging Pacific Northwest firm to come up with a splashy name, spending so much in the process that he’d hamstring the franchise for several years before he sold the rights to Manhattan. I’m thinking Los Banditos Fabulosos de Tejas.

Overall Impact: Texas Rangers is an awesome name. Shame the team doesn’t live up to it.

AL West Recap:

Of the divisions reviewed to date, this is clearly the most difficult. All of the names are relatively unique and reasonably decent. In the end, the Rangers prevail, nosing out the Mariners, with the Athletics topping the Angels by dint of asinine regional greed.

Next up: NL East (looking for a little grease from the Mets fans who frequents this site - could get ugly if you don't pay the man)

Previous entries:

MLB AL East

MLB AL Central

Week 1: Well, That Certainly Looks Like a Lot of Words

Week One of the 2007-8 NFL Campaign is upon us, and the annual event that has become a yearly tradition at the Wheelhouse will return again to bring joy, sexual arousal and wheelbarrows of belly laughs to the clamoring masses. Yes, it's the weekly NFL picks column where we pick the NFL games (against the spread, like real men) poorly. However, this year, there's a new wrinkle. In the coming weeks, the mental giants who have lo' these many years brought you Jerry's Wheelhouse, Drunk & Stupid and Gheorghe: The Blog will be aggregating our efforts to bring you one all encompassing study in cyber-mediocrity. Our yet to officially be announced new venture will probably launch later this month or possibly in early October...and will be a fancier version of our current respective efforts with some new elitist twists and more overall content. I know--this is kind of like the AFL-NFL merger and Smith meeting up with Wesson all in one. All right. Well, in honor of this informal announcement of a soon to be formalized announcement, the men who will bring you said new site have gotten together to provide a group efforted week one pick'em opus. Each respective contributor picked his favorite squadron's game (for your reference Geoff-Skins, Whit-Skins, rob-Skins, TJ - Jets, Jerry - Giants, Mark - Bucs), plus two others. I know...I've got wood too... Enjoy.
-Geoff
*****

Jerry

Pittsburgh (-4.5) at Cleveland
Tradition. Fat mustachioed fans. Two "classy" coaches. Clouds.

Shrinking cities. Three yard off-tackle runs. Unusual color schemes.

Two teams that "flat-out don't like each other." Yup, this game has it all, and then some.

If somebody asked me to sum up the difference in media coverage between foreign and American sports, I might say that the CBS broadcast of this heated rivalry is guaranteed to feature some sort of QB comparison graphic that says, "Roethlisberger with Fryes."

Prediction: The Fryes will be soggy, the Berger will be well-done, the bun won't even have sesame seeds, and Willie Parker will provide more than enough shake to easily cover the spread. Then Romeo Crenell will eat all of them in an effort to close the 10 fanny-pack gap that his old buddy Charlie Weis has opened up on him.

Carolina (+1) at St. Louis
Last week I dined with Rams owner, Georgia Frontiere, at a lovely little bistro overlooking the Mississippi that came recommended by none other than Dick Vermeil. What a lovely setting and what a lovely woman. Her homespun tales of football and show business nearly had me forgetting about the scrumptious spiced lamb shanks and the delectable pumpkin risotto. After the meal we sipped a knee-buckling good glass of Da Silva's Vintage Port 1865, which is a personal favorite of former commissioner, Paul Tagliabue. Frontiere mentioned to me how excited she was about the upcoming season and how she thinks this is the best squad she's had since the Vermeil-era. She seemed particularly taken by rookie RB, Brian Leonard, as she referenced his versatility, professionalism, and rugged masculinity on several occasions.

Who will win? I don't know. I don't know very much about football.

It's difficult to even think about such a violent game after such a tranquil meal. All I know is, good luck, Men of Linehan. This neutral observer will be hoping the Ram-Men can cast one more ray of sunshine through the misty autumn clouds of this fine woman's life. Rams.

Giants (+6) at Dallas
Woody Paige on the Giants: "I don't like this team, I don't like the quarterback, and I really don't like Tom Coughlin."

Some preview of this game : "Giants at Cowboys. Division rivals split the 2006 series, but N.Y. is headed south, while Dallas is on the way up." (seriously, that's the whole thing and it came from a professional website)

Some terrible writer on msnbc.com claimed there are 24 QBs he'd rather have over Eli Manning, including Batch, Huard, Garcia, Leinart, Smith, and Leftwich.

I haven't seen a team, (bear in mind a team that has made consecutive playoff appearances), that has been so thoroughly blasted in the media in such a vapidly superficial way. No doubt, the Giants have some concerns, most notably a dreadful secondary, but everything you hear is Barber, Coughlin, Manning stinks. Not much meat on that bone. Now I have a pretty healthy dislike for Coughlin and I think he's a pretty terrible coach, but the Giants have shown they can win games with him stomping around like a hyper-active 60 year old toddler on the sidelines.

Something that a lot of people seem to be forgetting is that the Giants have been pretty good when they're relatively healthy. In 2005 they went 11-5 and won the division. In 2006, they started 6-2, led the Bears at home on Sunday night before going on to completely self-destruct. But they still made the playoffs at 8-8, which is kind of a joke. Injuries are a fact of life in the NFL and nobody gives a damn if your guys are hurt, so I won't be whining about them, but they should be a consideration when projecting a team's prospects for the following year. Dallas had virtually no injuries last year and managed to make the playoffs.

For what it's worth, Eli has looked fantastic in the pre-season, sharp, accurate, composed. He's going to get better. And he hasn't been that bad. I'm constantly amazed by the amount of stick Eli takes in the media, especially versus other young QBs. You hear people gush about Alex Smith and Matt Leinart. I even heard somebody say "We know Tavaris Jackson is a good QB…" although that was probably an isolated comment. Eli is better than those guys. He really is. He's not a great player right now by any means, but he's pretty decent and he's still going to improve. Barring massive injuries, the Giants are going to have a good offense this year. The defense will have some problems and is going to lose their share of battles, but they also have a good pass rush and the ability to counteract a negative series of plays by getting pressure on the QB. I don't like this Giants team that much, but they're a lot better than they're getting credit for. Giants.

Whitney

Atlanta @ Minnesota (-3)
A year ago the Vikings were the ones groin-deep in controversy, as the final dust was settling on Freddie Smoot and his fellow nautical enthusiasts. A year later Smoot's in Redskins camp while Michael Vick is headed to federal prison (some might say a comparable fate), and it's the Falcons who are looking at a long rebuilding season. Word on the street is that Chris Chandler is mulling a comeback, despite the fact that it could result in serious head injuries for him and me. The fact that I'm kidding and yet he might be the Falcons' best good chance against Tarvaris Jackson spells very bad newz for Atlanta. Vikes 23, Falcons 3.

Detroit @ Oakland (-1.5)
Some years ago we were throwing back a few pints in a pub in San Francisco's Financial District. A woman who appeared to have gone to U. of Houston approached the group and bought us a drink. She volunteered that she was from "the worst city in the United States"; several locals instantly guessed Oakland. Nope, it was Detroit. Winner. Lions 27, Raiders 13.

Miami @ Washington (-3)
Super Bowl XVII this ain't. The decent Dolphins D ain't the Killer B's; same goes for the albeit-improved Skins' defense as compared to Butz, Milot, Manley, & Co. Ronnie Brown has been only marginally better than the forgettable Andra Franklin, and Portis & Betts (together they're Bettis?) still don't stack up to Riggo. But most importantly, Trent & Jason aren't even Woodley & Theismann, and boy, is that saying something. This game will be the first bleeding eyesore of the season. Enjoy. Redskins 9, Dolphins 7.

Rob

Kansas City @ Houston (-3)
Huard versus Schaub. Not exactly Manning versus Brady. The Texans have jumped ugly on unsuspecting teams in a handful of their season openers*, and the fabled HBO Curse has crippled lesser teams than the Chiefs. Okay, the curse has crippled teams with lesser head coaches. Strike that. The curse has crippled teams with fewer words in the names of their home towns. Noted prognosticator T. Geofferson Burrrrrr whiffed on the Kansas City gridders last season, but he wouldn’t be wrong in 2007 by taking the under on 7 wins. Texans cover the number.

* - Note: this may be purely anecdotal and not necessarily backed by any actual facts.

Most important DNP: Brodie Croyle, because putting him on the field all but assures an injury, and his comely wife won’t have that.

Denver @ Buffalo (+3)
I’ve paid next to zero attention to either of these teams during the preseason, so I know just about nothing about their prospects. I was gonna go with the Bills because I like Marshawn Lynch’s name, but then Denver went and picked up Simeon Rice to counter Buffalo’s naming advantage. In actual fact, I don’t think the Bills will be very good, and I’m a sucker for Mike Shanahan. Broncos’ long-standing grudge against the Bills’ namesake will prove decisive in this one. Denver covers on the road.

Most important DNP: Jake Plummer. Natch.

Miami @ Washington (-3)
The Dolphins and Skins meet in a Super Bowl rubber match, with Garo Yepremian and Mike Bass on tap to re-enact the most awkward pass in Washington history – well, next to Larry Craig’s incomplete effort. Cam Cameron’s new-agey coaching theories and cutting-edge use of the same first and last name has Joe Gibbs and his geriatric staff in a complete tizzy in the days before the game. Joe Bugel’s paralyzed with indecision, trying desperately to figure out whether to punch Cameron in the neck or hit Al Saunders in the mouth. Meanwhile, Clinton Portis just realized that he’s paid to play football and that his backup may in fact be a fairly adept running back. Look for a big game from No. 26, right up until he bruises his shin trying to tackle Mike Wise. Dolphins win outright.

Most important DNP: Mark Brunell, because if he’s called on to enter the game, emergency rooms throughout the National Capital Region will experience a marked spike in laceration injuries from frustrated Skins fans putting their fists through their television screens.

Geoff

Dolphins +3 @ Redskins
Number of snaps the Skins starting offense took as a complete unit this preseason: Zero. Pete Kendall and Chris Samuels will be taking their first live snap next to each other on Sunday at FedEx. That said, the Redskins preseason performance this year looked far different compared to last year's Spurrier-esque showing (who loses a preseason game 41-0...seriously?). At the least this iteration looked…what’s the word? Ah yes, competitive…and at it’s best, their defense looked like it might be an elite level unit again. But come Sunday, one wonders if Jason Campbell will be nervous in his first season opener as "the man"? He shouldn't be--he started seven games last year. But Greg told me I'd be an idiot to be nervous at my wedding, and yet I still was while waiting for the ceremony to start...so go figure. I've hedged and equivocated quite a bit, but I’m optimistic about this Skins team--which means I think they could be at or above .500 heading into December with at least a chance to do something…

And then there's the Phins: They suck. Their offensive line is ghastly, Trent Green is the "answer" only if the question is "Who has two thumbs, is 37 and loves a good gyro?" and their vaunted defense is aging like a fine milk. I like the Skins 24-14.

Saints +6 @ Indianapolis
On a recent flight, I finished reading the vomit bag and the passenger safety guide (showing pictures of people smiling calmly whilst using their seat cushion as a flotation device juxtaposed against a flaming water bound aircraft in the background) and was ultimately relegated to reading American Airlines in flight magazine. It featured a cover story on Drew Brees that delved into every aspect of his life, save for the interesting ones (What’s that thing on his face? Why Purdue? When’s the last time you took the old lady to Poundtown, USA? Ever get her to let you go five-hole?). Apparently Drew LOVES New Orleans—can’t f*cking get enough of it. He loves the restaurants, the people, pouring resources into the local economy, and using small pieces of his vital organs to plug holes in the levees. But, Bourbon Street is “not for him.” What a douchenozzle. I actually like the Saints in this one from a “Indy letdown” perspective, even though I think New Orleans misses the postseason this year and the Colts again get double-digit victories. 26-24, Saints.

Philadelphia -6 @ Green Bay
How many times in the last 10 seasons have the Packers been a 6 point dog at Lambeau? I say…infrequently… And, you really have to give it the media for standing strong on their Favre-love. The blogsphere/counterculture mocking of the media for the unabashed Favre fellatio has been going strong for 4 years now, and the talking heads are still showing no sign of relenting. I’ve personally tired of it and am conceding victory. Favre is “great” and “everything that’s right with America” and “plays football the way it’s meant to be played” and “has a penis so large they could project a drive in movie on it” and “makes minorities, old people and puppies smile with his greatitude” and “throws tight spirals of honeysuckle and magic into the hearts of all ruddy faced children.” Eagles, 38-9.

TJ

New England @ NY JETS (+6.5)
Not the way I want the Jetropolitans season to open, against everyone's Super Bowl sweetheart New England. It's the cougar-hunting, hooded sweatshirt-wearing Mentor against The Mangenius. Hey, Bill, you know who really pulls off the hooded look? This guy.

Mangenius did get the cameo on the penultimate Sopranos episode, so his Q rating is off the charts. HOWEVAH, I have serious concerns about the Jets offensive line, and fear Brady and his new brand of offensive weapons will dismantle the Jets secondary. I am very sad to see NW released Raccon Eyes Caldwell, because the close-ups of him in the NE/San Diego playoff game last year were priceless. He looked more clueless than Cliff Clavin on Jeopardy.

Enough delaying the obvious - the Jets are starting the season 0-1 (and failing to cover). Man do the Patriots drive me crazy.

Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue:
The Patriots are 7-1-1 ATS in the last 9 meetings.

Baltimore @ CINCINNATI (-2.5)
Well lucky me, I get both Monday night games this week. And lucky for you, the viewer, you get a Joe Theisman-less booth for the entire year. I saw Joe on the MASN simulcast of the John Riggins show yesterday, and let me just say, I’m not gonna miss him in the least. Then I heard he was discussing prostates on the Junkies this morning. Is that awful male version of The View still around, the one with AC Slater and Danny Bonaduce? If so, Joe should be a regular. What does Joe have to do with the Ravens/Bengals game? Absolutely nothing at all.

The actual game...well, I despise Brian Billick, in a LaRussian sort of way. I am convinced Steve McNair will turn to dust on the field this year, Friz Freleng-style. Dust that Devard Darling will try to snort mid-play. Look, Troy Smith made the roster - he spends his nights prank calling Eric Crouch and Jason White. All these unconnected statements simply lead to me taking Carson Palmer and the Bengals (and look, I waited all the way 'til the end to mention that Palmer is on my fantasy team). Shayne Graham boots a 45 yarder as time expires for the cover.

Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue:
The home team is 11-5 ATS in the last 16 meetings.

Arizona @ SAN FRANCISCO (-3)
The booth for this game - Mike and Mike...and Mike. Awesome. Can't get enough of those guys. Greenberg, Golic and Ditka for three plus hours. Alex Smith wants everyone know he does not have small hands and he most definitely does not smell like cabbage. Matt Leinart would like to be the white version of procreation machine Travis Henry. Everyone seems to think Arizona will be good this year, but even if they score 30 a game their defense blows. At least I say it does - I have neither the time nor the energy to look up actual stats. I'm taking San Fran by at least a touchdown in this game, mainly because Dennis just sent me this Rotoworld "Gem of the Day":

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, TE Vernon Davis is rumored to have dated Serena Williams.
It's just a rumor of course, but that potential genetic combination is pretty amazing. Boy or girl the kid would probably be wearing spandex, running a 4.4 40-yard dash and bench pressing 350 pounds by the second grade. We don't normally play cupid here at Rotoworld, but this really needs to happen.

Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue:
The 49ers are 14-3 ATS in their last 17 MNF games.

Mark

Tennesee @ Jacksonville (-7)
By now most of you have read that former Jaguars QB Byron Leftwich was "euphoric" when he learned of his release from Jacksonville late last week. Most have assumed this is b/c of his often rocky relationship with his former axe-wielding, suit wearing maniac meathead of a coach, Jack Del Rio. While this is a solid theory, I have it on good authority that the real reason for Leftwich's exultation was that he had recently caught a glimpse of Reggie Nelson's penis in the locker room and said penis was so monstrous in size that it had been haunting Leftwich's dreams ever since. While cutting Leftwich came as a surprise to most, I can't see how it matters much come Sunday, since Tennessee has exactly one offensive skill position player who is worth a shit in Vince Young. The Jacksonville defense is a juggernaut built to stop the Colts offense so I'm having a tough time imagining them struggling to contain the likes of LenDale White & Bo Scaife. Sorry Titans fans, Yancey Thigpen isn't walking through that door. Even if he did, his chronic case of ass herpes would render him largely ineffective.

19-7 Jags.

Tampa Bay @ Seattle (-6)
I'd like to optimistic about Tampa's chances this year. However, based on last year's prediction it's safe to say I don't have a goddamn clue what I'm talking about. Here's what I do know:
Cadillac Williams is perpetually banged up, Michael Clayton isn't starting and Jeff Garcia is nailing a Playboy Playmate despite the fact that he's (a) bald and (b) wears a do rag underneath his helmet. Life ain't fair kids.

Don't believe me? Go ask David Boston about his recent experience with the fine folks at the Tampa Police Department.

Seattle is back after an injury plagued post Super Bowl season and looks scary good on offense once again with Deion Branch acclimated to the West Coast Offense and Shaun Alexander healthy. Additionally, FB Leonard Weaver will supply the offense with an additional pass catching dimension out of the backfield that Mack Strong never could, due to splitting time between Seattle and Vivid Video. (Actually, that's probably not true at all but Weaver and I went to the same high school. Go Scorpions!). Either way, Seattle better be ready to put some points on the board with regularity this year because I don't see how their defense stops any competent offense unless they figure out a way to clone Lofa Tatupu 10 times over. Luckily enough for Seattle, they're playing the Bucs who haven't had a competent offense since Doug Williams was banging cocktail waitresses two at a time in Ybor City.

31-17 Seahawks.

Chicago @ San Diego (-5.5)
Has the statute of limitations on referring to San Diego as "whale's vagina" in an NFL picks column run out? God I hope so. Seriously, we get it. It's from Anchorman and Anchorman is funny. You know what else is funny? Watching Rex Grossman try to handle the QB-Center exchange. How did Alex Smith get stuck with the small hands label with Grossman running around fumbling like a pre-Coughlin era Tiki Barber? God only knows. Luckily for you, God's not the only person who knows that Rex spent last night pissing himself at the thought of Shawne Merriman coming off the edge unmolested.

How pathetic of a QB do you have to be replaced by a guy who once injured himself tripping over his dog whilst heavily overserved? Well, we're about find out. The over/under on Griese replacing Rex is Week 6*. I'll take the under, thank you. As for this game, Norv Turner could've probably guided Team USA to a semifinal loss to Puerto Rico in last week's Tournament of the Americas but even he won't be able to fuck this game up. Have no fear AFC fans, he'll make sure he takes care of sabotaging this Charger team eventually. If I had to guess, I'd say somewhere around Week 11. The nauseating Super Bowl hangover begins tonight Chicago. Have fun with that.

* May be completely untrue.

27-10 Chargers.

Okay fellas...candlesticks always make a nice gift. Let's get two...

Gheorghe Ponders...Part Deux

In part two of G:TB’s quixotic quest to chronicle the good, the bad, and the Dallas Burn of the North American team name scene, we head to the heartland to see how Middle America fares. Today’s featured artists: Major League Baseball’s American League Central.

Cleveland Indians

Originality: My high school’s arch-rival was the Indians. Any number of small, medium, and large colleges were once called the Indians. Including, interestingly, the Carlisle Indian Industrial School, alma mater of Jim Thorpe and one of the few teams for whom the nickname may actually be appropriate. G:TB ain’t here to get all heavy on you (we’ll save that for the Redskins), so we’ll steer gently away from that landmine. Suffice it to say, the Cleveland 9 isn’t exactly breaking new ground.

Geo-cultural relevance: Hardly any. Although it is a somewhat mellifluous combination of syllables. According to legend, the name has at least something to do with Louis Sockalexis, a Native American who played for the then-Cleveland Spiders in the late 19th century. Or it may have just been made up by a bunch of newspaper editors because the team’s owner couldn’t come up with anything by himself. Mark Cuban wants to beat him with a rolled-up Penthouse.

Tradition: Recent uptick notwithstanding, the Indians were a laughingstock for nearly 50 years, so bad that an entire movie franchise was launched at their expense. The team’s legendary futility is one of the primary reasons the Native American community has long been offended by the use of the Indians name.*

* - may also have something to do with the fact that the team’s longtime logo was more offensive than Mark Mangino in a thong.

If They Named the Team Today…they’d have to go with the Cleveland Rocks, wouldn’t they? Everyone loves Drew Carey, America’s Kinda Funny but Increasingly Creepy Neighbor, right?

Overall Impact: Fair to middling, and that's being kind. We can do better, Cleveland.

Detroit Tigers

Originality: Fact, 7,894 college, high school, middle school, elementary school, and children’s rec league teams in my hometown alone are named the Tigers, and I don’t even live in Michigan. Although Motor City Kitties is a pretty peppy secondary nickname.

Geo-cultural relevance: Another fact, Detroit is the site of one of the nation’s largest known saber-tooth tiger populations. Wait. I read that wrong. It’s actually home to one of the largest cougar populations. I would’ve guessed Dallas or L.A. Huh. 0-for-2 for Hockeytown’s baseball squad.

Tradition: Solid. I will grant the fine people of one of American’s worst cities (tourism slogan: “Hey, could be worse, we could be Philadelphia”) the fact that Detroit is the first thing that comes to mind when someone says “Tigers”**. Couple of World Series wins, Trammell and Whitaker, Sparky Anderson, Al Kaline, Ty Cobb – all in all, a highly respectable name.

** - Results may vary if you try this in Louisiana, Memphis, or Nishinomiya, Japan. Which reminds me that perhaps the greatest team name of all time is the Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters.

If They Named the Team Today…the UAW would clearly cause trouble, crippling the team’s ability to compete on the field by adding unnecessary cost burdens and limiting marketing potential by demanding a consensus on the team’s name, which would wind up as the Caprices.

Overall Impact: The Tigers get points simply for longevity and a modicum of tradition, but, really, just a golf clap out of respect and not much more.

Minnesota Twins

Originality: Now we’re talking. Clever, unique but not contrived. I think Minneapolis/St. Paul may be onto something.

Geo-cultural relevance: Hard to get any more relevant than Twins for the team representing the Twin Cities.

Tradition: Despite being a relative Gemini-come-lately on the sporting scene, at least as compared to the old line clubs, the Twins have built a fairly sizable case for themselves since they began play in 1961. They had a series of likable clubs in the 80s and 90s built around guys like Kent Hrbek and Kirby Puckett, and have continued to be the darlings of the “small market” through today, fielding competitive teams on shoestring budgets. If nothing else, they engender good feelings.

If They Named the Team Today…they’d be aiming for some redemption. After multiple rock solid to terrific nicknames (the original Lakers, Twins, Vikings, North Stars, even Golden Gophers), the Land of 10,000 Lakes whiffed completely with the Wild, a singular proper noun and/or adjective. I like the Minnesota Pop – a little bit of wordplay combined with a nod to the regional slang for soft drinks and even an exhortation to the team’s batsmen.

Overall Impact: I’d never given this much thought before today, but Twins is an inspired nickname for this franchise. Just goes to show you that Midwesterners, although dangerous behind the wheel and a bit slow on the uptake, still have something to offer society. (Dumb n’ Dumber reference – send your irate comments to robneedslifts@gmail.com.)

Kansas City Royals

Originality: Before I began my exhaustive research, I was all set to jump ugly on Ewing Kauffman for stealing the Cincinnati nee Rochester Royals’ sobriquet. Upon further review, if the gerbils manning the Wikipedia machine are to be believed, the Royals’ founding father named his franchise in honor of the American Royal Livestock Show, a Kansas City institution. Kudos, to you sir, for a bit of regional ingenuity. Even better show for Kauffman if the name is also a nod to the Negro League Kansas City Monarchs.

Geo-cultural relevance: See above – sure looks like the Royals name is rooted solidly in the Midwest’s corn-fed, farm-raised, mass-slaughtered beef and pork heritage. PETA is gonna be piiiiissed when they hear about this. Especially when it comes out that George Brett spent the bulk of the 1980 season conducting illicit cowfights in the Royals’ clubhouse.

Tradition: Hard as it is for you Myspace-addled youngsters to believe, the Royals were one of the dominant AL teams during my formative years. The aforementioned Brett, Hal McRae, the immortal Buddy Biancalana, Bret Saberhagen, Freddy Patek, Frank White, and Dick Howser were staples for the always-competitive Royals. Their ALCS tilts with the Yankees in the late 80s and early 90s were legendary.

If They Named the Team Today…sadly, they wouldn’t. If the Royals weren’t so firmly grounded in AL history, Bud Selig would have had them contracted years ago and sold the name on eBay.

Overall Impact: Classy, understated and elegant, the Royals’ name is by far the best thing this franchise has going at the moment.

Chicago White Sox

Originality: See Red Sox, Boston from the first post in this series. They named their team for socks. White ones. But not many professional franchises have been secure enough in their masculinity to go with clothing as their primary identifier. A push. Interestingly, as it turns out, Chicago may have used the ‘Sox’ appellation before Boston by about 4 years. Ignore any historical inaccuracies in previous (or future) entries in this series.

Geo-cultural relevance: Unless I miss my guess, Americans from all corners of this great nation were wearing white hosiery in the early years of the 20th century. Chicago, rightfully celebrated for its giant place in American history, has no particular claim on pale leggings. Pale legged women during the Windy City’s long winters? That’s a different story, altogether.

Tradition: For a nearly 100 year-old franchise, there’s not a lot to hold onto here. The Chisox can’t match their cross-town rivals for pathos, and until 2005, they didn’t have much to point to on the plus side of the ledger. They did wear shorts once in 1976, and Bill Veeck’s inspired lunacy did give the team a very Gheorghe-approved irreverence during his multiple stints as owner of the franchise.

If They Named the Team Today…they’d play up the differences between themselves and the Cubs, leveraging the momentum gained after the 2005 World Series win and their burgeoning fanbase. I like the Chicago Southsiders.

AL Central Recap:

In a much closer race than the AL East, I like the Twins by a small margin over the Royals and White Sox, with the Tigers edging the Indians.

Next: AL West, unless Whitney or TJ beat me to the punch with the NFL or NBA, respectively.

Previous entries:
MLB AL East

Gheorghe Ponders the Big Questions of Our Time

Brevity, they say, is the soul of wit. And let it never be said that G:TB doesn’t appreciate well-turned wit. (Although, judging by the length of this post, we don’t apparently appreciate brevity, either). In the commercial and antiseptic world of professional sports, the clever have very few outlets within the context of the organizations that run the games. We take you then to the nickname, the seemingly innocuous appellations that grace the merchandise offered by our favorite franchises. Seen through the G:TB lens, so begins a tour of the mascot landscape, starting with Major League Baseball’s American League East. (Note: we’re really good at starting recurring features, and really, really not very good at all at continuing them. If you like this one, better make sure you let us know.)

Because this is our ranking, it’ll be extremely subjective – sort of like the BCS. There will be no rhyme or reason, nor will there be any particular desire to actually research many of the claims we make – so save your corrections. We’ll take these in order of the standings. Hi, Teejay!

Boston Red Sox

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m an irrational Red Sox fan. I’ll try not to let that cloud my judgment.

Originality: On the one hand, there are very few teams in any American sport at any level named the Red Sox and only a handful named after garments (White Sox, Redlegs, BaySox, AquaSox – that’s awful, by the way – come to mind, but not much else.) And the Boston franchise was the first to use the catchy ‘ox’ distillation for Stockings. On the other hand, the team from one of America’s great cities, rich with cultural and historical cues, was named for hosiery. Granted, the Sox moniker was bestowed in a far simpler time, well before the great marketing revolution, which brought us gems like the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. We’ll split the difference and call the Sox middling in this category.

Geo-cultural relevance: Today, the Sox name is an inextricable part of the fabric of the entire New England region. There are very few team names that are more closely identifiable with their geography, but it happened in this case as a function of historical attachment. As a name itself, it has no relevance whatsoever, other than the fact that Paul Revere wore a particularly comely set of crimson stockings as he made his fabled midnight ride*. As noted above, Boston is one of America’s great cities, and broadening the scope, the franchise had all of New England to draw upon for inspiration. For a city that’s kicked New York’s ass for years in terms of sophistication*, Boston laid an egg here.

* - may not in fact be true.

Tradition: One of the top 10 most memorable nicknames in all sports as a result of the team’s unique history, extreme visibility, and joined-at-the-hip relationship with their arch-enemies in New York.

If They Named the Team Today…they’d either go maritime or Revolutionary War. Ladies and gentlemen, yourrrr Boston Minutemen. Eh, that’s a blatant steal from UMASS. The Lobsters? Too obvious for a town that prides itself on its literary bent. The Captains, in a nod to the seafaring history of the entire region? As good as anything else I can come up with on short notice.

Overall Evaluation: And the envelope says…pretty good. The lameness of the original concept has been all but burnished away over the years. The name (and that of the Chicago AL franchise) is unique to baseball, and that matters from the perspective of originality and value.

New York Yankees

Originality: Though the name itself was given to the erstwhile New York Highlanders (now that’s an awesome name – there can be only one) by the news media of the time, and was appropriated for a few years by a football team, the name stands on its own today as one of the most original franchise tags in all of sports.

Geo-cultural relevance: Man, really great here, too. As New York represents America in so many ways, so, too does the term “Yankee”. Many foreigners, especially our friends in the Middle East, have the same bile rising in their throats when they hear the term as I do. So that’s another winner for the Pinstripes.

Tradition: Yeah, well, as much as I’d like to skip this category for this team, it’s pretty well undeniable that the nickname Yankees is at worst one of the three names most synonymous with champions in all of North American sports. And Celtics and Canadiens are quickly losing their luster with anyone under 40.

If They Named the Team Today…it’d be a terrific source of comedy, as George Steinbrenner is rumored to be slipping in and out of coherence. He could go with Steamships (or Clippers, if not for Donald Sterling’s bunch) as an homage to his business empire, but he’s equally likely to go with the Martins because he misses his old friend Billy, or the Stumps because he always enjoyed manager Merrill.

Overall Evaluation: This pains me greatly, but Yankees is a hall-of-fame nickname. It’s evocative of a team and its city, and it resonates with history and originality. Dammit.

Toronto Blue Jays

Originality: Johns Hopkins University has been the Blue Jays for quite some time now, but otherwise, the Toronto American League franchise has a pretty strong case here.

Geo-cultural relevance: According to Wikipedia, which is never wrong, “The name "Blue Jays" came about when former Ontario Premier John Robarts, a member of the team's board of directors, started talking about a morning routine: "I was shaving this morning and I saw a blue jay out my window". "That's an interesting name," a board member said, and it was the first time anyone had mentioned the words blue jay.” So, if you want to make the case that the name was developed by a Canadian, well, then the relevance is clear. If, like most normal people, you find that an absurd reason for naming a major professional sports franchise, you’ll join me in mocking our friends to the North for their quaint sensibilities. What if he’d seen a butterfly, or a loon, or Carrot Top?

Tradition: Eh. Pronounced ‘eh’, in this case, not ‘ay’. The team’s only been around since 1977, albeit with a pair of World Series championships and a moderately successful balance sheet. The Jays are Canada’s only major league team, so there’s a bit of cachet there. The logo keeps changing, which isn’t completely relevant, but also doesn’t help in this category.

If They Named the Team Today…Americans would clamor for Hosers, Canadians would sigh regretfully about our cultural ignorance, and the ownership group would settle for something innocuous and socialized like Mounties or Healthcare for All. Neither of which would be more awful or less incongruous than Raptors.

Overall Evaluation: Decent name. It’s unique and identifiable in the minds of sports fans with Toronto. It also has nothing whatsoever to do with Toronto and unlike the Red Sox, the Jays don’t have 100 years of shared regional identity bound up in the name.

Baltimore Orioles

Originality: For a professional sports franchise, high marks in this category. Eagles, Hawks, and Falcons abound, but Orioles stand alone. Magpies, too, but that’s for a different day.

Geo-cultural relevance: Again, extremely nice work by Charm City (and, for what it’s worth, solid effort with the NFL franchise, too, even if they stole the team). The humble oriole is the state bird of Maryland, and professional baseball teams have been using the moniker since the late 19th century. The O’s were long inextricably linked with their hometown, a bond that’s been tested and found somewhat wanting over the past 15 years under the worst management in baseball.

Tradition: The Oriole name (and its offshoot, the Oriole Way) used to signify professionalism, dignity, competitiveness, and a rock-solid regional identity. Sadly, the O’s name has declined over the past decade to the point where the name reeks of 4th place, Scott Van Pelt Bawlteemohr-accented SportsCenter highlights, and fan indifference. As someone who has seen more baseball games in Memorial Stadium and Camden Yards than in any other major league park, I hate that this is true, but the once-proud Oriole name doesn’t stand for the same things it once did.

If They Named the Team Today…the process would be marked by a crippling combination of arrogance and ineptitude. Pick the worst name you could think of, and then go beyond that, and you’d have Peter Angelos’ choice. How’s the Baltimore Baybirds, hon?

Overall Evaluation: Like an aging legend who doesn’t realize that he’s lost 10 mph off his fastball, the O’s name, while still holding its own in the grand scheme of franchise nicknames, has seen much better days.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Originality: Well, yes, by at least one definition of original (created, undertaken, or presented for the first time), the good people of the Tampa/St. Pete metro area are on to something here. Nice work, I guess. And it rhymes, too. (Late breaking news: it appears that something called Black Manta was a character on the Superman/Aquaman Hour of Adventure. He later evolved to Devil Ray as part of the Justice League Unlimited. While Black Manta, he was voiced by the fabled Ted Knight. From this we learn two things: a) Devil Ray, not so original as we once thought, and b) the derivation of the Rays’ bizarre “Ahoy Polloi” chant is much clearer.)

Geo-cultural relevance: Tampa Bay is a body of water. Devil Rays may or may not exist, but manta rays and stingrays may in fact inhabit Tampa Bay. Solid understanding of the local fauna exhibited by the franchise’s founding fathers here.

Tradition: Little to none, as the franchise has only been in existence since 1998, and never even sniffed a winning season. The name itself smacks of marketing-driven, consumer-tested, kid-friendly pap, although I’d note that there are far worse in the professional ranks.

If They Named the Team Today…they’d call it the Devil Rays. I mean, they essentially did name the team today, in paleological terms. Word out of Tampa is that the new ownership intends to rename the team after the 2007 season to…the Rays. Bold, inspired leadership, that. Should motivate Delmon and the boys to at least a 4th-place finish in 2008. You’d think they’d be inclined to move away from the animal that FREAKING KILLED THE CROCODILE HUNTER. Kids are scared shitless of the mascot.

Overall Evaluation: Even as the Rays are modestly better than a number of new-fangled major professional team names (Minnesota Wild, we’re looking at you, whatever the fuck you are), they’re still the worst in this division, by quite some distance.

AL East Recap:

Yankees in a landslide, followed by the Red Sox, who edge the Orioles (probably not the case even 7-8 years ago) and Blue Jays slightly. The Rays bring up the rear, which is a vantage point with which they’re quite familiar.

Next: AL Central, unless someone convinces me otherwise.

It's that time of year again...

While I ponder how bad Notre Dame might be this year (and whether Michael survived that Appy St debacle), enjoy Mr. Madison as he heads "back to school, back to school..."

Bite Me, Randy Newman

As my friends will gladly recount, my mouth has a long history of writing checks against the quite limited amount of funds held on deposit in my bank of physical attributes. Fortunately for me, I’ve been blessed with more than my share of large and generous friends. It’s my own, personal version of the FDIC. While those same friends might call it something else, altogether, I blame this particular shortcoming on a hypercompetitive streak the genesis of which I can’t divine.

Growing up, that competitiveness overcame my size limitations well enough to enable me to succeed, if not necessarily excel, in most athletic endeavors. At the same time, my positions in each sport were fairly well prescribed. I was a point guard and a middle infielder by default, and those positional identities have colored my rooting interests ever since. For example, while I worshiped Yaz and Pedro, I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for Red Sox second basemen, nearly all of whom have toiled in the shadows of their more-acclaimed teammates. From Jerry Remy to Marty Barrett to Jody Reed to Tim Naehring to Mark Bellhorn and even Mark Loretta (and excepting Jeff Frye and Mike Lansing – man, what an utterly forgettable era), I’ve had a keen rooting interest in the unsung heroes of the middle infield.

So there was some amount of pleasure to be found when 5’ 9” (in the program) Dustin Pedroia rocketed through the Sox’ farm system. Although a shortstop in college (where he was the Pac-10 Player of the Year and a finalist for the Golden Spikes Award at Arizona State), he’s been destined to the Sox’ second baseman of the future since he entered the system. Before I knew anything about him other than his size and position, I was ready to welcome him with open arms.

He did nothing to dispel my high hopes when he made his major league debut last fall, but I’d become so disillusioned with the 2006 Sox amidst their wrenching late-season collapse that I paid less attention to the details than I ordinarily might, and as a September callup, Pedroia kept a low profile. I could tell, though, that his listed height was generous, speaking as someone who knows these things. Another checkmark on the good side of the ledger.

As the Sox have rolled through their 2007 schedule (current hiccup annoyingly notwithstanding), Pedroia’s not only been one of the bright spots on the field, he’s displayed a feisty attitude completely in keeping with my personal lunacy. After a dismal start to the season that had Red Sox Nation at large pining for more Alex Cora (I said it was a dismal start), Pedroia caught fire to the point where he led the Sox in OPS for more than a month’s worth of games. He currently carries a .315 batting average and a .823 OPS, good for 5th on the Sox roster. He’s a leading candidate for AL Rookie of the Year and he’s removed any doubts about his place in the big leagues.

More important than what he’s done, at least in my fan’s addled mind, is how he’s done it. Pedroia plays every moment of every game with the wild abandon of a guy who knows he’s got to throw his whole being into his efforts to be good enough to stick. He runs with arms akimbo - a tiny gunfighter – dives with reckless abandon (a personal favorite attribute – just ask my friends), stands in at second base against charging baserunners, and takes mighty cuts at every pitch. He’s also a lead-with-his-chin instigator in the clubhouse, where he’s every Sox player’s little brother.

And if I hadn’t already grown to love the guy, this interview with his college coach, Pat Murphy, elevated (term used loosely) him to legendary in my mind. (Hat tip to Bruce Allen by way of SOSH) Money graf:

“One time we’re playing Fullerton or something like that and he’s a freshman and he strikes out to lead off the game, which is something he rarely ever does, and I come over to Dustin and say ‘hey Dustin, how was that slider?’ and he says back to me ‘Coach…that thing is so nasty.’ Well the rest of the team heard him say that and they’re going to start thinking it’s nasty and if Pedroia can’t hit that slider then the rest of them can’t hit it either.

I pulled him aside and I said ‘Pedroia, for the rest of your life if someone asks you about a pitch you say ‘ah…it’s alright but I should have hit it.’

But now you’ve got the other side of it where you’ve created a monster and for the next three years every time…every time you asked Pedroia how the pitchers stuff was he would say 'this guy sucks…he’s terrible.’ He’d just be screaming at the guy ‘this guy's terrible…you’re terrible’…all 5-foot-6, 120-pounds of him.”

On a team marked by reserved professionalism and laid-back cool, Pedroia carries himself with a unique intensity and, dare I say it, an irrationally competitive streak that reminds me of my own self. I used to say that if I’d been 6 inches taller I could have been a professional athlete. Now I know that I’m just a tiny insanely competitive person with not quite enough talent. Thanks for that, Dustin, and long may you man the middle infield at Fenway.

Oh, and Bite Me, Randy Newman.

Looks like it's time to break out the O.J. jersey

In recent years I have tried to tone down my obsession with one Orenthal James "O.J." Simpson and his hunt for the "real killers," but this snippet I saw on Ben Maller yesterday was simply too much to pass up. It's difficult to justify continually making light of a brutal double homicide, but this caricature of a human being warrants tongue-in-cheek mockery at all times.

Apparently, in O.J.'s fictional (cough, gag, vomit in mouth) book If I Did It..., the former 2,000 yard rusher and member of Police Squad! accuses a man named "Charlie" of killing Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman on that fateful night in 1994.

Seriously Juice, this is what you came up with? Well, if that's the story he's sticking to, I figured the least I could do was narrow the list of possible suspects down for him. O.J., I hope you're reading this, because one of these Charlies is most definitely your killer:

O.J.'s Charlie List

Charlie Sheen - Hell, he's killed his career at least twice. And a couple of marriages to boot. Why not Nicole and Ron? In fact, has anyone seen Emilio lately?

Charlie Hough - Death by knuckleball? Sure, why not? I guess that makes Phil and Joe Niekro the Menendez brothers.

Charlie Rose - Bored Nicole and Ron to death interviewing Salman Rushdie.

Charlie the Tuna - Always up to something fishy (I know, just plain awful).

Charli(z)e Theron - Don't let her beauty fool you. You saw Monster, right?

Charlie Heston - Soylent Green is People. In this case, Soylent Green is Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. He parted the Red Sea, and possibly parted Nicole's head from her torso.

Charlie Murphy - Getting bitchslapped by Rick James and trounced in pickup hoops by Prince's Blouse Squad can drive a man to do strange things. The Darkness lives up to his name.

The Viet Cong - Charlie don't surf, so no one's looking for him in SoCal. (I don't want to skew the voting, but this is by far my favorite)

Charlie Steiner - What Ron and Nicole didn't realize was "Follow me to freedom" meant "Follow me to a dark alley where I could quietly cut your melons off."

Charlie Bronson - After visiting a West Hollywood psychic in June of '94, Bronson becomes enraged to learn that not one, but two, rip-offs of his classic Death Wish film will be released in September of '07. Add that to the fact he never truly recovered from trying to tunnel out of a Nazi labor camp for months and we have a recipe for disaster.

Charlie Chaplin - Like Snake Eyes, a silent and deadly assassin capable of anything. Little Tramp, my arse.

Charlie Schwab - "Talk to Chuck... right over here, in this dark, deserted corner of the alley where only a dog can witness the deadly shenanigans about to take place."

Charlie Norris - O.J. read this on the internet and believed it: "O.J. didn't do it, Chuck Norris kicked O.J. in the face on the set of Naked Gun IV and his ex-wife's head fell off"

Charlie E. Cheese's - Little known fact: Ron and Nicole actually died in a ball pit.

Charlie Nelson Reilly - ...with the man scarf... in the Turkish bath house... while gleefully exclaiming, "Say, there!"

Charlie Babbitt - He's an excellent knifer. He's an excellent knifer.

Charlie Daniels - He's been consortin' with the devil since '79.

Charlie Dickens - David Copperfield. The magician. Someone had to pay.

Charlie Grodin - Forced Ron and Nicole to watch five minutes of his short-lived talk show. They killed themselves after two.

Charlie Chan - Anyone who wears a white suit after Labor Day makes this list.

Charlie in Charge - In charge of our days, and our nights...and of sleeping with Nicole, as well as every other woman in the 310 area code.

Charlie de Gaulle - A blonde woman and a waiter? Too powerful a force for Frenchie. Best to surrender, mes amies. Off the list.

Charlie Brown - If you were a prepubescent boy and already bald, PLUS you had to deal with that witch Nicole... er, Lucy... wouldn't you teach her and Ron... er, Schroeder... a lesson? This blockhead is capable of a lot of scary things. In this scenario, Linus is Kato and Snoopy is A.C. Good grief.

Charlie Hustle - Now there's a reason not to get into the Hall...

Charlie Bucket - Tour of a Chocolate Factory with that midget-hoarder and pedophile will cause a small child to kill. Golden ticket my ass.

Charlie Manson - Too obvious? Nothing is too obvious when it comes to this case, is it, Chewbacca?

Charlie Kurault - On the road, in a motor home, telling stories of kindly people in small towns. Running from Johnny Law and his sordid past.

Prince Charlie - Friggin' royals. Escaped capture that fateful night by riding his monstrous ears to safety.

Charlie Barkley - Errant golf shot did the damage. Plus, you saw what he did to Barney back in the day, right?

Charlie Darwin - You see, it's nature's way of weeding out the weaker elements to off a pair of unsuspecting citizens... obviously, Darwin felt there were too many blondes married to ex-jocks and dumb waiters who keep misplacing their glasses.

The Charlie's Angels Charlie - Most don't know that his unseen character was voiced by football star turned actor O.J. Simpson. Wait...

All right, dearest readers, who'd I miss? Who's the real killer amongst this distinguished roster? Seriously, O.J. has a lead - we just need to follow it until we end the mystery.

By the way, I'd like you all to know this might be the most fun I've had on a post...well, ever.

Quit while I'm ahead? Never...

I'm sure most everyone has tuned out by now, but I'm having too much fun with this nonsense to stop now. In a nutshell, Mike Mussina has finally lost it, serving up more runs recently than a drunken Whitney in his doubleheader-pitching heyday...and I am just the guy to find my beloved Yankees a "suitable" replacement for Moose in their rotation. Our final candidate (for today at least) makes C.C. Sabathia look slender, leading to serious concerns from management about his stamina, but I'm pretty sure what "The Clown Prince of Hip-Hop" lacks in athleticism he makes up for in clubhouse presence. I imagine he and Shelley Duncan will get along just fine...

Rotation Replacement Roulette Continues

A reminder of what the hell I'm talking about:

Mike Mussina took the mound last night, his job clearly on the line despite what he may think, and supplied this piss-poor line:
3 IP, 6 ER, 9 hits, 1 BB, no strikeouts

For those scoring at home, in his last three starts Moose has allowed 19 ER in 9.2 innings pitched - an asinine 17.69 ERA. With that being said, I am attempting to find a suitable replacement for him in the Yankee rotation. Our next qualified candidate most definitely is in the shape required to be a starter, shaking his stuff on the catwalk for hours on end, but I fear his ego might get the best of him, as he most definitely feels he is too sexy for the rotation, the pitching mound and Yankee Stadium in general...

Because I’m tired of looking at...

...LeVar Burton, I figured I'd submit my first candidate to replace "Don't Cry For Me" Mike Mussina in the Yankees rotation (despite what Mike thinks of himself**, he is going to get replaced...at this point, even Carl Pavano looks like a decent alternative). On the plus side, Jimmy the Greek said that since this candidate is Hispanic he'll be good at baseball. Of course, on the flip side, candidate numero uno will most likely get tossed from virtually every game he plays in due to the oil and lotion that drips on the ball each inning. Enjoy the bullpen Moose...

**Mussina's ego might even be bigger than his ERA. When the New York Times questioned Musina about possibly being replaced in the rotation, his retort was "Who are they going to replace me with?"

R.I.F. (Reading Is Fun-damental)

Gheorghe: The Blog is Exhibit A for how sports addicts like ourselves have embraced the computer age, but you can still find each of us with our faces buried in the local paper's sports section on any given morning. Or afternoon, or evening. There's still an aesthetic to reading the print editions of newspapers, and I'll often do so even after I know most of the previous night's results.

The jonesingest among us sports geeks derive especially great pleasure from the Scoreboard page, a section nearly void of prose and composed exclusively of statistics, standings and tables of simple fact reporting. There is beauty in every subsection, but a glance at Transactions is usually a quick confirmation of some moves we know, some eyebrow-raising ones we didn't, and some information too trivial even for us. Good stuff. And on some days, there is fodder for terrible, horrible rim-shot inducing one-liners quietly kept to ourselves.

Usually kept to ourselves. Today's Transactions consist of three entries. Here we go.

TRANSACTIONS

Baseball
Major League Baseball
MLB-- Suspended OF Juan Valdes (Cleveland) for 50 games for violating the Minor League Drug Prevention and Treatment Program. (Who knew caffeine had been added to MLB's list?? Ba-dum-pum.)

American League
DETROIT TIGERS-- Activated LHP Andrew Miller from the 15-day DL. Optioned RHP Zach Miner to Toledo (IL). (Where he really belongs, don't you think? Ba-dum-pum.)

KANSAS CITY ROYALS-- Placed OF Mark Teahen on the 15-day DL. Purchased the contract of RHP Billy Buckner from Omaha (PCL). (Too . . . many . . . jokes . . .)

Speaking of one-liners, does every small-to-mid-sized newspaper's sports section have the weekly or semi-weekly column by the veteran sportswriter where he issues a smorgasbord of snippets followed by his own snidely sarcastic follow-ups? My paper's guy is particularly horrible, and I want to ask: if I dedicate some blogspace into ripping him apart in gory detail -- and providing better jokes for each of his -- is that pathetic or justified? He's really been getting to me lately, and today's tripe is pushing me over the top.

"How does it feel to be an independent, Schoenstein?"

"How does it feel to be an asshole, Hillenbrand?"

In an effort to bring you, the DeVry-educated masses, as much bathroom-ready content as possible, today we introduce our newest G:TB feature, the "Anti-Gheorghe of the Week", and honestly, I can think of no better candidate to kick start this than First-Class Asshat Shea Hillenbrand. In fact, Rob and I both agree that Shea should legally change his middle name to Asshat. But that's neither here nor there. We're here to pay tribute to the least Gheorghe guy we can think of, a surly malcontent who poisons every team he is on, yet continues to get jobs because he can adequately hit a baseball. When will GMs learn?

I think most folks are familiar with Shea's past antics, but if not, a quick refresher:

Boston Red Sox (2001-2003)
Shea begins his career in Boston, where he manages to hit for some average and power, but appears deathly allergic to walks (he still has never had more than 25 walks in a season), which cannot make Theo and the boys happy. What probably made Theo even more unhappy was Hillenbrand calling him a "faggot" on talk radio and demanding a trade. Theo obliges, happily I'm sure, moving Shea to the Diamondbacks for the Korean Blown Save, Byung-Hyun Kim in May '03. On his way out of town, Hillenbrand managed to shoot his mouth off one last time, saying the Red Sox would deeply regret letting him go: "They don't know what they have with me. If they get rid of me, they'll know what they have. You've heard of Jeff Bagwell?" By the way, "what they have" turned out to be the AL Batting Champ Bill Mueller. And Shea, Jeff Bagwell is going to the Hall of Fame...you, you're lucky to get free passes to Knott's Berry Farm.

Arizona Diamondbacks (2003-2004)
Hillenbrand produces at a moderate clip in Arizona and, as far as the public knows, doesn't throw any derogatory slurs around or demand any trades. But I'm pretty sure everyone still hates him.

Toronto Blue Jays (2005-2006)
Ah yes, now we've gotten to the part of the story that everyone knows. In July '06, Hillenbrand got pissed at the Blue Jays organization for not congratulating him on the adoption of a baby girl. They also decided not to play him when he got back from said adoption, which of course didn't sit well with the calm, even-keeled Hillenbrand. Being the mature professional that he is, Shea chose not to sit in the dugout that night, but did find time to write inspirational messages on the clubhouse billboard:
"This ship is sinking"
Not surprisingly, manger John Gibbons was non-plussed about Shea's writings... somewhat surprisingly (not to Ted Lilly I guess), Gibbons challenged Hillenbrand to a fight during a team meeting. Adios Shea. Time to try the West Coast.

San Francisco Giants (2006)
He might be a surly curmudgeon and an Asshat (there's that word again), but I guess when you are teammates with Barry Bonds AND Jeff Kent even a guy like Shea can't cause a ripple. However, the Giants saw no need to keep him after a 60 game tryout, so I'm pretty sure everyone still hates him.

Ah, now to the real fun part, Shea's 2007 campaign. Shea Butter is looking to complete the historic SoCal Triple Play, meaning he will sign and fail with all three Southern California baseball squadrons in 2007 (yep, I know he is currently a Dodger...it's called foreshadowing. Trust me, based on his track record, he'll be gone soon enough):
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (2007 - 53 games)
Frankly, I don't know why the Angels signed him in the first place...they sure as hell didn't need his bat, and they definitely didn't need his clubhouse "presence". Amazingly, he lasted 53 games, finally getting designated for assignment in June after being quoted as saying "If I'm not going to play here, give me enough respect to trade me or get rid of me." In July, the Angels waived him. The end of the road, right? Who would ever want this guy? Wait, what, the Padres??

San Diego Padres (2007 - never made it out of the minors)
The Pads signed him to a minor league deal in late July, sending him to the AAA Portland Beavers. They released him two weeks later, mainly because he hit .147 during that time. I'm also willing to bet the minor league guys hated him. A lot. So that's got to be the end of Shea Hillenbrand, Major League Ballplayer, right? Nope...

Los Angeles Dodgers (2007 - 9 games...so far)
Apparently desperate beyond belief for offense, the Dodgers decided that Shea just needed a new SoCal address in order to succeed. It's been 9 games and 32 ABs so far, producing no home runs and 4 RBI. Just wait til Nomar comes back and bumps him from the regular line-up.

Tick...tick...tick...

SHEA MATTHEW HILLENBRAND
KILLED IN L.A. BY HIS OWN TEAMMATES

Filler. Cut with baking powder.

Rob took the first swings at the complacency piñata the other day, so I figured I'd jump on board today...

Memo to China: Stop exporting tainted/poisonous/deadly products. It's really hurting your rap. Seriously, tainted toys, dog treats, toothpaste, pajamas AND chop sticks? You'd think in a country with one billion people they could find 20 or so qualified safety inspectors. Then again, you'd think an elite D-1 college football team could find an adequate kicker, but we all know that ain't the case.

I don't necessarily want to club Dusty Baker, because frankly it's too easy, but last night during the Tigers/Indians highlights Gary Sheffield's injury was mentioned, to which Baker replied "That's why they really need Monroe to step up". Hmmm, would that be Craig Monroe Dusty, a guy the Tigers designated for assignment a week ago? How about just 5 minutes of prep time a night you clown?

Speaking of Baseball Tonight, the Rangers 30 run offensive explosion left Tim Kurkjian sounding like a 12-year-old girl who'd just met Zac Efron. Calling in, Kurkjian was so excited his voice rose to decibel levels only audible to dogs and Kirsten Dunst (sorry, no idea where that shot came from).

Back to Sheff for a moment...it's so nice to see karma in play. That's right Sheff, karma just kicked you square in the nuts. And I love it.

I was perusing baseball-reference.com the other day, as I am apt to do, and I found what I consider a very enjoyable tidbit on new Oriole J.R. House's page. This is listed under page sponsorships:
"Voted among SI's Top 50 sports figures in WV history, J.R. is the best high school QB to ever play the game. After battling back from injuries, J.R. is ready to soar. A strong Christian, find out more at: http://www.athletesinchrist.org."
J.R., perhaps Jesus Christ can help you finally hit a curveball.

Finally, in honor of Geoffrey's impending nuptials (less than 36 hours away), here's your requisite YouTube clip of the day:

Filler. Pure Filler.

It's fake. Let's move on.

In the interest of seeing something different on top of the G:TB masthead, just a quick bet- and/or prognostication-related update. Like Anderson Cooper, we're keeping them honest.

Teejay and I bet on the relative performance of Roger Clemens and Tim Wakefield from the time the former joined the Yankees' roster. On the strength of 15 consecutive scoreless innings (Thanks, Devil Rays!), Wakefield has taken the lead in two of the three relevant categories, edging Clemens in WHIP (1.25 to 1.28) and Batting Average Against (.251 to .268). Clemens leads the ERA battle with a 3.92 mark to Wake's 4.46. Much like the race to see which diminishes faster, Whitney's brain cell count or his hairline, this one's too close to call.

Teejay bet Dennis, among others, that the Washington Nationals would lose 100 or more games this season. With Manny Acta's scrappy bunch playing as well as almost anyone in the NL, it seems that the forces of Teejay's opponents are well-positioned to rout him. At 56-69, the Nats need just win 7 of their final 37 to avoid triple-digit losses. Advantage, anyone other than Teejay.

As for me, I posited early in the season that Alex Rodriguez' homer tally would exceed the very same Nationals' win total. While A-Rod's been quite homerrific, hitting number 40 last night, his torrid April pace was unsustainable. The lesson, as always, is that I'm an idiot.

There's no way this is real...right?

You'd think after two plus years of searching YouTube I wouldn't be surprised by what I find. But this...this...I mean, really?

Jonas Salk, H.B. Reese

I was reflecting the other day about one of Gheorghe: The Blog's posts from earlier this summer. The Jonas Salk part of that story made me think very, very deeply -- and, as those who know me well will tell you, I am surely wont to do.

Our parents' generation saw the debilitating disease polio go from a tragically common occurrence to a thing of the past, so much so that we -- merely a generation later -- can't really relate to their fear of it. It's one among many things we take for granted, but it's a significant one by any standard.

Eerily similarly, however, our generation now breathes a quiet sigh of relief knowing that the rampant, inevitable, and often violent collisions involving persons carrying chocolate bars and other persons carrying open jars of peanut butter have been curbed almost entirely out of existence. It's a wee bit disappointing to think that the kids today cannot truly appreciate this eradication, but the magic of YouTube can demonstrate just the tip of the iceberg on a crisis that was spiraling out of control . . .

* * * *
Oh, and one more thing to file under "Things I Learned from Television in the 1970's":
Italian-Americans with surnames ending in "elli" or "ello" are instantly made thoroughly more endearing people if you simply call them by the surname's first syllable (Fonz, Ponch, etc.). It really softens an otherwise potentially hard-edged citizen. Try this with neighbors, colleagues, etc. -- it works.

Exception: in college I had a female professor for The Study of Language whose last name was Scancarelli. (Both c's are hard, but not as hard as she was.) IT DID NOT WORK. I failed the class, which was a large reason why the English Department disowned me soon thereafter.