Gheorghe Ponders...Part Deux

In part two of G:TB’s quixotic quest to chronicle the good, the bad, and the Dallas Burn of the North American team name scene, we head to the heartland to see how Middle America fares. Today’s featured artists: Major League Baseball’s American League Central.

Cleveland Indians

Originality: My high school’s arch-rival was the Indians. Any number of small, medium, and large colleges were once called the Indians. Including, interestingly, the Carlisle Indian Industrial School, alma mater of Jim Thorpe and one of the few teams for whom the nickname may actually be appropriate. G:TB ain’t here to get all heavy on you (we’ll save that for the Redskins), so we’ll steer gently away from that landmine. Suffice it to say, the Cleveland 9 isn’t exactly breaking new ground.

Geo-cultural relevance: Hardly any. Although it is a somewhat mellifluous combination of syllables. According to legend, the name has at least something to do with Louis Sockalexis, a Native American who played for the then-Cleveland Spiders in the late 19th century. Or it may have just been made up by a bunch of newspaper editors because the team’s owner couldn’t come up with anything by himself. Mark Cuban wants to beat him with a rolled-up Penthouse.

Tradition: Recent uptick notwithstanding, the Indians were a laughingstock for nearly 50 years, so bad that an entire movie franchise was launched at their expense. The team’s legendary futility is one of the primary reasons the Native American community has long been offended by the use of the Indians name.*

* - may also have something to do with the fact that the team’s longtime logo was more offensive than Mark Mangino in a thong.

If They Named the Team Today…they’d have to go with the Cleveland Rocks, wouldn’t they? Everyone loves Drew Carey, America’s Kinda Funny but Increasingly Creepy Neighbor, right?

Overall Impact: Fair to middling, and that's being kind. We can do better, Cleveland.

Detroit Tigers

Originality: Fact, 7,894 college, high school, middle school, elementary school, and children’s rec league teams in my hometown alone are named the Tigers, and I don’t even live in Michigan. Although Motor City Kitties is a pretty peppy secondary nickname.

Geo-cultural relevance: Another fact, Detroit is the site of one of the nation’s largest known saber-tooth tiger populations. Wait. I read that wrong. It’s actually home to one of the largest cougar populations. I would’ve guessed Dallas or L.A. Huh. 0-for-2 for Hockeytown’s baseball squad.

Tradition: Solid. I will grant the fine people of one of American’s worst cities (tourism slogan: “Hey, could be worse, we could be Philadelphia”) the fact that Detroit is the first thing that comes to mind when someone says “Tigers”**. Couple of World Series wins, Trammell and Whitaker, Sparky Anderson, Al Kaline, Ty Cobb – all in all, a highly respectable name.

** - Results may vary if you try this in Louisiana, Memphis, or Nishinomiya, Japan. Which reminds me that perhaps the greatest team name of all time is the Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters.

If They Named the Team Today…the UAW would clearly cause trouble, crippling the team’s ability to compete on the field by adding unnecessary cost burdens and limiting marketing potential by demanding a consensus on the team’s name, which would wind up as the Caprices.

Overall Impact: The Tigers get points simply for longevity and a modicum of tradition, but, really, just a golf clap out of respect and not much more.

Minnesota Twins

Originality: Now we’re talking. Clever, unique but not contrived. I think Minneapolis/St. Paul may be onto something.

Geo-cultural relevance: Hard to get any more relevant than Twins for the team representing the Twin Cities.

Tradition: Despite being a relative Gemini-come-lately on the sporting scene, at least as compared to the old line clubs, the Twins have built a fairly sizable case for themselves since they began play in 1961. They had a series of likable clubs in the 80s and 90s built around guys like Kent Hrbek and Kirby Puckett, and have continued to be the darlings of the “small market” through today, fielding competitive teams on shoestring budgets. If nothing else, they engender good feelings.

If They Named the Team Today…they’d be aiming for some redemption. After multiple rock solid to terrific nicknames (the original Lakers, Twins, Vikings, North Stars, even Golden Gophers), the Land of 10,000 Lakes whiffed completely with the Wild, a singular proper noun and/or adjective. I like the Minnesota Pop – a little bit of wordplay combined with a nod to the regional slang for soft drinks and even an exhortation to the team’s batsmen.

Overall Impact: I’d never given this much thought before today, but Twins is an inspired nickname for this franchise. Just goes to show you that Midwesterners, although dangerous behind the wheel and a bit slow on the uptake, still have something to offer society. (Dumb n’ Dumber reference – send your irate comments to robneedslifts@gmail.com.)

Kansas City Royals

Originality: Before I began my exhaustive research, I was all set to jump ugly on Ewing Kauffman for stealing the Cincinnati nee Rochester Royals’ sobriquet. Upon further review, if the gerbils manning the Wikipedia machine are to be believed, the Royals’ founding father named his franchise in honor of the American Royal Livestock Show, a Kansas City institution. Kudos, to you sir, for a bit of regional ingenuity. Even better show for Kauffman if the name is also a nod to the Negro League Kansas City Monarchs.

Geo-cultural relevance: See above – sure looks like the Royals name is rooted solidly in the Midwest’s corn-fed, farm-raised, mass-slaughtered beef and pork heritage. PETA is gonna be piiiiissed when they hear about this. Especially when it comes out that George Brett spent the bulk of the 1980 season conducting illicit cowfights in the Royals’ clubhouse.

Tradition: Hard as it is for you Myspace-addled youngsters to believe, the Royals were one of the dominant AL teams during my formative years. The aforementioned Brett, Hal McRae, the immortal Buddy Biancalana, Bret Saberhagen, Freddy Patek, Frank White, and Dick Howser were staples for the always-competitive Royals. Their ALCS tilts with the Yankees in the late 80s and early 90s were legendary.

If They Named the Team Today…sadly, they wouldn’t. If the Royals weren’t so firmly grounded in AL history, Bud Selig would have had them contracted years ago and sold the name on eBay.

Overall Impact: Classy, understated and elegant, the Royals’ name is by far the best thing this franchise has going at the moment.

Chicago White Sox

Originality: See Red Sox, Boston from the first post in this series. They named their team for socks. White ones. But not many professional franchises have been secure enough in their masculinity to go with clothing as their primary identifier. A push. Interestingly, as it turns out, Chicago may have used the ‘Sox’ appellation before Boston by about 4 years. Ignore any historical inaccuracies in previous (or future) entries in this series.

Geo-cultural relevance: Unless I miss my guess, Americans from all corners of this great nation were wearing white hosiery in the early years of the 20th century. Chicago, rightfully celebrated for its giant place in American history, has no particular claim on pale leggings. Pale legged women during the Windy City’s long winters? That’s a different story, altogether.

Tradition: For a nearly 100 year-old franchise, there’s not a lot to hold onto here. The Chisox can’t match their cross-town rivals for pathos, and until 2005, they didn’t have much to point to on the plus side of the ledger. They did wear shorts once in 1976, and Bill Veeck’s inspired lunacy did give the team a very Gheorghe-approved irreverence during his multiple stints as owner of the franchise.

If They Named the Team Today…they’d play up the differences between themselves and the Cubs, leveraging the momentum gained after the 2005 World Series win and their burgeoning fanbase. I like the Chicago Southsiders.

AL Central Recap:

In a much closer race than the AL East, I like the Twins by a small margin over the Royals and White Sox, with the Tigers edging the Indians.

Next: AL West, unless Whitney or TJ beat me to the punch with the NFL or NBA, respectively.

Previous entries:
MLB AL East