Thursday, August 30, 2007

Looks like it's time to break out the O.J. jersey

In recent years I have tried to tone down my obsession with one Orenthal James "O.J." Simpson and his hunt for the "real killers," but this snippet I saw on Ben Maller yesterday was simply too much to pass up. It's difficult to justify continually making light of a brutal double homicide, but this caricature of a human being warrants tongue-in-cheek mockery at all times.

Apparently, in O.J.'s fictional (cough, gag, vomit in mouth) book If I Did It..., the former 2,000 yard rusher and member of Police Squad! accuses a man named "Charlie" of killing Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman on that fateful night in 1994.

Seriously Juice, this is what you came up with? Well, if that's the story he's sticking to, I figured the least I could do was narrow the list of possible suspects down for him. O.J., I hope you're reading this, because one of these Charlies is most definitely your killer:

O.J.'s Charlie List

Charlie Sheen - Hell, he's killed his career at least twice. And a couple of marriages to boot. Why not Nicole and Ron? In fact, has anyone seen Emilio lately?

Charlie Hough - Death by knuckleball? Sure, why not? I guess that makes Phil and Joe Niekro the Menendez brothers.

Charlie Rose - Bored Nicole and Ron to death interviewing Salman Rushdie.

Charlie the Tuna - Always up to something fishy (I know, just plain awful).

Charli(z)e Theron - Don't let her beauty fool you. You saw Monster, right?

Charlie Heston - Soylent Green is People. In this case, Soylent Green is Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. He parted the Red Sea, and possibly parted Nicole's head from her torso.

Charlie Murphy - Getting bitchslapped by Rick James and trounced in pickup hoops by Prince's Blouse Squad can drive a man to do strange things. The Darkness lives up to his name.

The Viet Cong - Charlie don't surf, so no one's looking for him in SoCal. (I don't want to skew the voting, but this is by far my favorite)

Charlie Steiner
- What Ron and Nicole didn't realize was "Follow me to freedom" meant "Follow me to a dark alley where I could quietly cut your melons off."

Charlie Bronson - After visiting a West Hollywood psychic in June of '94, Bronson becomes enraged to learn that not one, but two, rip-offs of his classic Death Wish film will be released in September of '07. Add that to the fact he never truly recovered from trying to tunnel out of a Nazi labor camp for months and we have a recipe for disaster.

Charlie Chaplin - Like Snake Eyes, a silent and deadly assassin capable of anything. Little Tramp, my arse.

Charlie Schwab - "Talk to Chuck... right over here, in this dark, deserted corner of the alley where only a dog can witness the deadly shenanigans about to take place."

Charlie Norris - O.J. read this on the internet and believed it: "O.J. didn't do it, Chuck Norris kicked O.J. in the face on the set of Naked Gun IV and his ex-wife's head fell off"

Charlie E. Cheese's - Little known fact: Ron and Nicole actually died in a ball pit.

Charlie Nelson Reilly - ...with the man scarf... in the Turkish bath house... while gleefully exclaiming, "Say, there!"

Charlie Babbitt - He's an excellent knifer. He's an excellent knifer.

Charlie Daniels - He's been consortin' with the devil since '79.

Charlie Dickens - David Copperfield. The magician. Someone had to pay.

Charlie Grodin - Forced Ron and Nicole to watch five minutes of his short-lived talk show. They killed themselves after two.

Charlie Chan - Anyone who wears a white suit after Labor Day makes this list.

Charlie in Charge - In charge of our days, and our nights...and of sleeping with Nicole, as well as every other woman in the 310 area code.

Charlie de Gaulle - A blonde woman and a waiter? Too powerful a force for Frenchie. Best to surrender, mes amies. Off the list.

Charlie Brown - If you were a prepubescent boy and already bald, PLUS you had to deal with that witch Nicole... er, Lucy... wouldn't you teach her and Ron... er, Schroeder... a lesson? This blockhead is capable of a lot of scary things. In this scenario, Linus is Kato and Snoopy is A.C. Good grief.

Charlie Hustle - Now there's a reason not to get into the Hall...

Charlie Bucket - Tour of a Chocolate Factory with that midget-hoarder and pedophile will cause a small child to kill. Golden ticket my ass.

Charlie Manson - Too obvious? Nothing is too obvious when it comes to this case, is it, Chewbacca?

Charlie Kurault - On the road, in a motor home, telling stories of kindly people in small towns. Running from Johnny Law and his sordid past.

Prince Charlie - Friggin' royals. Escaped capture that fateful night by riding his monstrous ears to safety.

Charlie Barkley - Errant golf shot did the damage. Plus, you saw what he did to Barney back in the day, right?

Charlie Darwin - You see, it's nature's way of weeding out the weaker elements to off a pair of unsuspecting citizens... obviously, Darwin felt there were too many blondes married to ex-jocks and dumb waiters who keep misplacing their glasses.

The Charlie's Angels Charlie - Most don't know that his unseen character was voiced by football star turned actor O.J. Simpson. Wait...

All right, dearest readers, who'd I miss? Who's the real killer amongst this distinguished roster? Seriously, O.J. has a lead - we just need to follow it until we end the mystery.

By the way, I'd like you all to know this might be the most fun I've had on a post...well, ever.

51 comments:

Mark said...

With post was worth it just for the Snake Eyes reference.

TJ said...

Out of all the nonsense I put in there, it's good to know my G.I. Joe shit is appreciated.

Whitney said...

What about Chucky? He's a Charlie, right? And he fits the profile better than most.

Actually . . . come to think of it . . . is there any chance OJ is talking about Chucky when he says Charlie? "a short, red-haired guy with a short temper, some skill with a blade, and a knack for returning to the scene of the crime." Plus, I guarantee the glove wouldn't have been too small for Chucky.

Jason said...

Outstanding list. Chucky is a great addition, and I also wouldn't count out a vengeful post-treatment Charlie Gordon.

TJ said...

Do you think Charlie Hough and Uncle Charlie perhaps teamed up to kill them with the ole knuckle curve?

TJ said...

I enjoyed this timely quote from USC uber freshman baller O.J. Mayo:

"I just want to kind of work off my last name,'' Mayo said.

Whitney said...

Ah yes, Charlie (sometimes Charly) Gordon.

And speaking of Uncle Charlie, what about Uncle Charlie on My Three Sons? He was always an irascible sort.

TJ said...

I just was emailed another vote for Chaplin, because of the Snake Eyes reference, and one more vote (in addition to mine) for the Viet Cong.

MGL said...

I never got past Charlie Nelson Reilly as I couldn't see through the tears in my eyes, laughing at that charicature on the Match Game.

Could be Charlie Tanner, old manager of the Pgh Pirates: all that "We Are Family" crap was a cover.

Jerry said...

- Hey ma, how bout some cookies?
- No Dice
- This ain't over

TJ said...

OK, that's two votes now for Mr. Nelson Reilly...what a race we have so far...

TJ said...

OK, it took me a second to figure out Jerry's vote, but with his nod to Bronson now in, here's what we've got so far...

Nelson Reilly - 2
Chaplin - 2
Viet Cong - 2
Bronson - 1

Whitney said...

This just in: Charlie Woollum "stepped down" at Bucknell in the spring of 1994. Coincidence? Maybe.

But he later went into hiding as the coach of the losingest D-I men's basketball program since the inception of ball-through-hoop. That just isn't done. When the team won 20 games, however, his cover was blown and he had to move on.

Interesting.

rob said...

that was a blatant case of forgetting about charlie woollum. shame on us.

Mark said...

That's a breathtaking picture. Really.

TJ said...

I aim to please.

rob said...

sigh. bram weinstein just suggested that bo jackson would have been a baseball hall of famer if he hadn't stopped playing the game. the same bo jackson who put up a career .250 average and .783 ops. again, sigh.

TJ said...

How many days before Kenny Williams finally cans him?

"It's embarrassing day in and day out to do the same stuff," [Ozzie] Guillen said. "People are blaming our pitching staff, but the offense comes along and puts more dirt on the grave. Everyone in that room should look in the mirror and be embarrassed."

rob said...

mjd pretty much encapsulates my personal feeling on performance enhancing drugs in today's debriefing. cross off one more thing on my to-do list. next up, wax bikini line.

TR said...

Hey Teej, Giambi has already made two great defensive plays in today's game. He kept his foot on first base and dove along the line towards the outfield to reel in an errant double play throw from Cano (preserving the DP), and he made a diving stop on a grounder. This comes after he made a great diving stop last night. Andy Phillips should go shopping for a nice cushion for his ass and the bench.

I'm glad Jason finally broke into his emergency stash of HGH.

TJ said...

Shhhhhhhhhhh...Wang...

rob said...

wang's got nothing to worry about. the sox left their bats at home with their balls. and i don't mean baseballs. thank buddha the lead will still be 5.

TJ said...

While we're thanking folks, a big round of applause for the Angels, who went into Seattle and slapped around the Mariners.

TR said...

Agreed on the Angels helping the Yanks in a hu-yuge way. The worst case for the Yanks would've been for the Mariners to take 2 of 3, leaving both teams a few games of the Yanks in the loss column.

Long Duck Wang looking great through 6 as Ortiz whiffs...

TJ said...

And kudos to the Royals for slapping around the Tigers...

rob said...

i'm really not prepared for another sox/yanks alcs. guess i'd better start stretching.

rob said...

drew will certainly fuck this up.

TJ said...

Mike Lowell has one nut. The Red Sox now have one hit. Symmetry, baby.

rob said...

i hate drew with the white-hot heat of a billion suns.

TJ said...

If I wasn't so lazy I'd search this here site and rub all those pro-Drew comments from the offseason in your face. I hate to say I told you so, but...well, you know the rest.

TR said...

Joba: 11 IP, 5 H, 3 BB, O ER

BF said...

Maybe Orenthal is just a big LOST fan.

TJ said...

Watch yourself - Squirrel hates the "Joba Rules" almost as much as Capt. O'Hagen hates the word "shenanigans"

Mark said...

It's always fun to see an entire fan base sour on the JD Drew experience. Really, it never gets old. It's the same process every time and its quite amusing to watch from the outside.

TJ said...

The J.D Drew Disillusionment Train, powered by Skid Row's "I Remember You"...

TJ said...

Did Joba just get tossed from this game?

TR said...

Seriously, what happened? I know that he rocketed the 1-1 pitch at Yook's head. I'm not sure what happened after that. Damn job distracts me from the TV.

For the record, Yook looks like he should be walking around the West Village in leather chaps and a dog collar. It's not as bad as when his goatee was really booming, but he still looks like he enjoys a man fist in his starfish.

TJ said...

Here's the recap Whit just emailed, you know, because he's "working" so hard from home:

Very funny doings -- if not helpful to the Sox -- in this game. Joba Chamberlain, known for pinpoint control, just threw back-to-back 98 mph fastballs right over Youkilis's head -- Posada didn't even try to catch them and they both hit the backstop on the fly. Angel Hernandez immediately tossed him. The YES announcers are beside themselves. There was no reason in the world he would have tried to kill Youks, and the kid looked as stunned as anyone, but it's hard to argue with it after you witness these 2 near death experiences for Youkilis. A nice "WTF" from him on TV.

And I assume Joba the Hutt jokes are now all over the place?

rob said...

apparently josh beckett called chamberlain a cunt, so the joba the cunt jokes are making the rounds at sosh.

which is a fairly entertainingly bitter place right now. lots of cathartic swearing.

Mark said...

College football is almost here. Good God I'm excited. Even if it's only Sly Croom's boys being dismantled on National TV its a welcome sight.

Greg said...

Sly Croom sounds like Eddie Murphy doing an impression of a white guy.

TJ said...

Well lookee here...CN8 has the Tribe/Delaware game on...sweet.

Mark said...

How is W&M doing ?

TJ said...

Well, other than giving up a D I-AA record-tying 7 TDs to Delaware's Omar Cuff, I think it went well.

Virginia Tech is gonna drop 70 on us...

Mark said...

Ouch. What was the final?

TJ said...

49-31 Rich Gannons.

Mark said...

So Omar scored all 7 TDs, huh? Is he a high level Div. 1 transfer or something?

TJ said...

I don't believe so - in fact, just three years ago I think he was a DB. As Jerry will tell you, the Tribe defense is poop (sorry to get so technical).

Mark said...

Smart kids aren't fast. It's science.

TJ said...

I'll tell you what, if the Mariners keep running Rick White out there in close and late situations they can forget about the wild card.

Peanut2 said...

OJ totally killed Ron and Nicole. I found a site that actually analyzed his words - see for yourself: http://confessionsofakiller.wordpress.com/2007/09/05/dont-take-my-word-for-it-heres-the-proof/