Gheorghe Ponders the Big Questions of Our Time

Brevity, they say, is the soul of wit. And let it never be said that G:TB doesn’t appreciate well-turned wit. (Although, judging by the length of this post, we don’t apparently appreciate brevity, either). In the commercial and antiseptic world of professional sports, the clever have very few outlets within the context of the organizations that run the games. We take you then to the nickname, the seemingly innocuous appellations that grace the merchandise offered by our favorite franchises. Seen through the G:TB lens, so begins a tour of the mascot landscape, starting with Major League Baseball’s American League East. (Note: we’re really good at starting recurring features, and really, really not very good at all at continuing them. If you like this one, better make sure you let us know.)

Because this is our ranking, it’ll be extremely subjective – sort of like the BCS. There will be no rhyme or reason, nor will there be any particular desire to actually research many of the claims we make – so save your corrections. We’ll take these in order of the standings. Hi, Teejay!

Boston Red Sox

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m an irrational Red Sox fan. I’ll try not to let that cloud my judgment.

Originality: On the one hand, there are very few teams in any American sport at any level named the Red Sox and only a handful named after garments (White Sox, Redlegs, BaySox, AquaSox – that’s awful, by the way – come to mind, but not much else.) And the Boston franchise was the first to use the catchy ‘ox’ distillation for Stockings. On the other hand, the team from one of America’s great cities, rich with cultural and historical cues, was named for hosiery. Granted, the Sox moniker was bestowed in a far simpler time, well before the great marketing revolution, which brought us gems like the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. We’ll split the difference and call the Sox middling in this category.

Geo-cultural relevance: Today, the Sox name is an inextricable part of the fabric of the entire New England region. There are very few team names that are more closely identifiable with their geography, but it happened in this case as a function of historical attachment. As a name itself, it has no relevance whatsoever, other than the fact that Paul Revere wore a particularly comely set of crimson stockings as he made his fabled midnight ride*. As noted above, Boston is one of America’s great cities, and broadening the scope, the franchise had all of New England to draw upon for inspiration. For a city that’s kicked New York’s ass for years in terms of sophistication*, Boston laid an egg here.

* - may not in fact be true.

Tradition: One of the top 10 most memorable nicknames in all sports as a result of the team’s unique history, extreme visibility, and joined-at-the-hip relationship with their arch-enemies in New York.

If They Named the Team Today…they’d either go maritime or Revolutionary War. Ladies and gentlemen, yourrrr Boston Minutemen. Eh, that’s a blatant steal from UMASS. The Lobsters? Too obvious for a town that prides itself on its literary bent. The Captains, in a nod to the seafaring history of the entire region? As good as anything else I can come up with on short notice.

Overall Evaluation: And the envelope says…pretty good. The lameness of the original concept has been all but burnished away over the years. The name (and that of the Chicago AL franchise) is unique to baseball, and that matters from the perspective of originality and value.

New York Yankees

Originality: Though the name itself was given to the erstwhile New York Highlanders (now that’s an awesome name – there can be only one) by the news media of the time, and was appropriated for a few years by a football team, the name stands on its own today as one of the most original franchise tags in all of sports.

Geo-cultural relevance: Man, really great here, too. As New York represents America in so many ways, so, too does the term “Yankee”. Many foreigners, especially our friends in the Middle East, have the same bile rising in their throats when they hear the term as I do. So that’s another winner for the Pinstripes.

Tradition: Yeah, well, as much as I’d like to skip this category for this team, it’s pretty well undeniable that the nickname Yankees is at worst one of the three names most synonymous with champions in all of North American sports. And Celtics and Canadiens are quickly losing their luster with anyone under 40.

If They Named the Team Today…it’d be a terrific source of comedy, as George Steinbrenner is rumored to be slipping in and out of coherence. He could go with Steamships (or Clippers, if not for Donald Sterling’s bunch) as an homage to his business empire, but he’s equally likely to go with the Martins because he misses his old friend Billy, or the Stumps because he always enjoyed manager Merrill.

Overall Evaluation: This pains me greatly, but Yankees is a hall-of-fame nickname. It’s evocative of a team and its city, and it resonates with history and originality. Dammit.

Toronto Blue Jays

Originality: Johns Hopkins University has been the Blue Jays for quite some time now, but otherwise, the Toronto American League franchise has a pretty strong case here.

Geo-cultural relevance: According to Wikipedia, which is never wrong, “The name "Blue Jays" came about when former Ontario Premier John Robarts, a member of the team's board of directors, started talking about a morning routine: "I was shaving this morning and I saw a blue jay out my window". "That's an interesting name," a board member said, and it was the first time anyone had mentioned the words blue jay.” So, if you want to make the case that the name was developed by a Canadian, well, then the relevance is clear. If, like most normal people, you find that an absurd reason for naming a major professional sports franchise, you’ll join me in mocking our friends to the North for their quaint sensibilities. What if he’d seen a butterfly, or a loon, or Carrot Top?

Tradition: Eh. Pronounced ‘eh’, in this case, not ‘ay’. The team’s only been around since 1977, albeit with a pair of World Series championships and a moderately successful balance sheet. The Jays are Canada’s only major league team, so there’s a bit of cachet there. The logo keeps changing, which isn’t completely relevant, but also doesn’t help in this category.

If They Named the Team Today…Americans would clamor for Hosers, Canadians would sigh regretfully about our cultural ignorance, and the ownership group would settle for something innocuous and socialized like Mounties or Healthcare for All. Neither of which would be more awful or less incongruous than Raptors.

Overall Evaluation: Decent name. It’s unique and identifiable in the minds of sports fans with Toronto. It also has nothing whatsoever to do with Toronto and unlike the Red Sox, the Jays don’t have 100 years of shared regional identity bound up in the name.

Baltimore Orioles

Originality: For a professional sports franchise, high marks in this category. Eagles, Hawks, and Falcons abound, but Orioles stand alone. Magpies, too, but that’s for a different day.

Geo-cultural relevance: Again, extremely nice work by Charm City (and, for what it’s worth, solid effort with the NFL franchise, too, even if they stole the team). The humble oriole is the state bird of Maryland, and professional baseball teams have been using the moniker since the late 19th century. The O’s were long inextricably linked with their hometown, a bond that’s been tested and found somewhat wanting over the past 15 years under the worst management in baseball.

Tradition: The Oriole name (and its offshoot, the Oriole Way) used to signify professionalism, dignity, competitiveness, and a rock-solid regional identity. Sadly, the O’s name has declined over the past decade to the point where the name reeks of 4th place, Scott Van Pelt Bawlteemohr-accented SportsCenter highlights, and fan indifference. As someone who has seen more baseball games in Memorial Stadium and Camden Yards than in any other major league park, I hate that this is true, but the once-proud Oriole name doesn’t stand for the same things it once did.

If They Named the Team Today…the process would be marked by a crippling combination of arrogance and ineptitude. Pick the worst name you could think of, and then go beyond that, and you’d have Peter Angelos’ choice. How’s the Baltimore Baybirds, hon?

Overall Evaluation: Like an aging legend who doesn’t realize that he’s lost 10 mph off his fastball, the O’s name, while still holding its own in the grand scheme of franchise nicknames, has seen much better days.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Originality: Well, yes, by at least one definition of original (created, undertaken, or presented for the first time), the good people of the Tampa/St. Pete metro area are on to something here. Nice work, I guess. And it rhymes, too. (Late breaking news: it appears that something called Black Manta was a character on the Superman/Aquaman Hour of Adventure. He later evolved to Devil Ray as part of the Justice League Unlimited. While Black Manta, he was voiced by the fabled Ted Knight. From this we learn two things: a) Devil Ray, not so original as we once thought, and b) the derivation of the Rays’ bizarre “Ahoy Polloi” chant is much clearer.)

Geo-cultural relevance: Tampa Bay is a body of water. Devil Rays may or may not exist, but manta rays and stingrays may in fact inhabit Tampa Bay. Solid understanding of the local fauna exhibited by the franchise’s founding fathers here.

Tradition: Little to none, as the franchise has only been in existence since 1998, and never even sniffed a winning season. The name itself smacks of marketing-driven, consumer-tested, kid-friendly pap, although I’d note that there are far worse in the professional ranks.

If They Named the Team Today…they’d call it the Devil Rays. I mean, they essentially did name the team today, in paleological terms. Word out of Tampa is that the new ownership intends to rename the team after the 2007 season to…the Rays. Bold, inspired leadership, that. Should motivate Delmon and the boys to at least a 4th-place finish in 2008. You’d think they’d be inclined to move away from the animal that FREAKING KILLED THE CROCODILE HUNTER. Kids are scared shitless of the mascot.

Overall Evaluation: Even as the Rays are modestly better than a number of new-fangled major professional team names (Minnesota Wild, we’re looking at you, whatever the fuck you are), they’re still the worst in this division, by quite some distance.

AL East Recap:

Yankees in a landslide, followed by the Red Sox, who edge the Orioles (probably not the case even 7-8 years ago) and Blue Jays slightly. The Rays bring up the rear, which is a vantage point with which they’re quite familiar.

Next: AL Central, unless someone convinces me otherwise.