Gheorghe Ponders...Part the Third

Like any good member of the East Coast liberal elite, I've spent far fewer words on the AL West than on the other divisions, both in the aggregate (well, there are only four teams to consider), but more importantly, on a per team basis.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Originality: In that there are no other major professional franchises (nor any other remotely prominent teams that come to mind) with heavenly hosts featured in their names, the Angels would seem to score quite high marks in this category. And when they were the California Angels, or even the Anaheim Angels, those high marks were deserved. Now, though, with their too-clever-by-half marketing-driven geographical realignment, they’re translated as the Angels of Angels of Anaheim. That’s not original; it’s something my 5 year-old would conjure, and then reject as moronic.

Geo-cultural relevance: As the California/Anaheim Angels, it was a sly nod to the team’s regional heritage without usurping the Dodgers’ rightful claim to Los Angeles itself. Now, it seems…well, dumb.

Tradition: Meh. The first thing that came to my mind as I pondered this category was Donnie Moore. That’s probably not what the Angels’ brass would select. They do have a World Series win in the 21st Century, and a history of competitive teams. So they’ve got that going for them, which is nice.

If They Named the Team Today…judging by Artie Moreno’s first attempt, they’d come up with something breathtakingly awkward, like the Southern California (Except Los Angeles Proper and San Diego) Grande Mission Cats.

Overall Impact: As the California/Anaheim Angels, this was a terrific team name, Disney-movie bastardization notwithstanding. As the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, it’s a disaster.

Seattle Mariners

Originality: Samuel Coleridge is bitter, but since only about 13% of baseball fans have the first clue who he is, and most of them confuse him with Bruce Dickinson, the M’s are on to something here. It also just sounds good.

Geo-cultural relevance: It’s a city on an ocean inlet, for Chrissakes. People drive boats to Seahawk and University of Washington football games. The only person I know in Seattle lives on an island and must take a ferry to get to downtown. This is a brilliantly evocative name for this town.

Tradition: The Mariners pale in comparison to their expansion brethren from Toronto, having never sniffed the World Series, despite winning 116 games in 2001. They do, however, have the Mariner Moose (a bit of an odd juxtaposition, frankly – they couldn’t have found a narwhal suit, or a salmon costume?). Hell, the team’s Hall of Fame only has four members, one of whom is a broadcaster.

If They Named the Team Today…their corporate overlords from Nintendo would demand cross-promotional value. The Seattle Wiizards, perhaps, or the Game Boyz.

Overall Impact: I love this name. It’s got a good syllabic mix, and it works perfectly for the team’s location. Nice work, pre-grungy dudes.

Oakland Athletics

Originality: As old-school as the game itself, Athletics wasn’t particularly original when the team was named back in the 1860s. Over time, though, as the team moved from Philadelphia to Kansas City to Oakland, the name took on a retro-kitschy vibe which turned the conservative derivation into a modestly hip new-age moniker. Oddly, the Billy Beane-era A’s are one of the least athletic teams in baseball, since all they care about is hitting homeruns and walking. (/Joe Morgan)

Geo-cultural relevance: If you’d been paying attention even one paragraph ago, you’d remember, and I quote, “…the team moved from Philadelphia to Kansas City to Oakland”. Try to keep up here, people. Of course there’s no relevance. I’m really gonna need you to start thinking for yourselves.

Tradition: A whole mess of tasty goodness here, as the A’s can trot out Connie Mack, Charlie Finley and his array of silly antics, terrific mustaches in the early 70s, day-glo uniforms, white cleats, Reggie Jackson, Vida Blue, Dennis Eckersley, the Bash Brothers, mountains of steroids, Dave Stewart, and one of the worst drunken episodes of my collegiate career. Long story.

If They Named the Team Today…they’d seek out the most undervalued naming property available, oblivious to the nervous guffaws of the entrenched “baseball men” still running the game. They’d jump ahead of the trend by going completely corporate, inking a multi-year, multi-million dollar deal to become the Bay Area Laboratory Cooperatives.

Texas Rangers

Originality: As a name itself in a vacuum, this is obviously not an original construction. As a franchise’s tag, though, it’s killer. I wish I’d thought of it first.

Geo-cultural relevance: A no-brainer bullseye. It specifically evokes Texas’ unique and colorful history, from the days of Sam Houston right through Chuck Norris.

Tradition: The team’s use of the name hasn’t nearly lived up its promise. I blame George W. Bush. Sorry, reflex.

If They Named the Team Today…Tom Hicks would drastically overpay a group of swishy naming consultants from some treehugging Pacific Northwest firm to come up with a splashy name, spending so much in the process that he’d hamstring the franchise for several years before he sold the rights to Manhattan. I’m thinking Los Banditos Fabulosos de Tejas.

Overall Impact: Texas Rangers is an awesome name. Shame the team doesn’t live up to it.

AL West Recap:

Of the divisions reviewed to date, this is clearly the most difficult. All of the names are relatively unique and reasonably decent. In the end, the Rangers prevail, nosing out the Mariners, with the Athletics topping the Angels by dint of asinine regional greed.

Next up: NL East (looking for a little grease from the Mets fans who frequents this site - could get ugly if you don't pay the man)

Previous entries:

MLB AL East

MLB AL Central