Friday, September 07, 2007

Gheorghe Ponders...Part the Third

Like any good member of the East Coast liberal elite, I've spent far fewer words on the AL West than on the other divisions, both in the aggregate (well, there are only four teams to consider), but more importantly, on a per team basis.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Originality: In that there are no other major professional franchises (nor any other remotely prominent teams that come to mind) with heavenly hosts featured in their names, the Angels would seem to score quite high marks in this category. And when they were the California Angels, or even the Anaheim Angels, those high marks were deserved. Now, though, with their too-clever-by-half marketing-driven geographical realignment, they’re translated as the Angels of Angels of Anaheim. That’s not original; it’s something my 5 year-old would conjure, and then reject as moronic.

Geo-cultural relevance: As the California/Anaheim Angels, it was a sly nod to the team’s regional heritage without usurping the Dodgers’ rightful claim to Los Angeles itself. Now, it seems…well, dumb.

Tradition: Meh. The first thing that came to my mind as I pondered this category was Donnie Moore. That’s probably not what the Angels’ brass would select. They do have a World Series win in the 21st Century, and a history of competitive teams. So they’ve got that going for them, which is nice.

If They Named the Team Today…judging by Artie Moreno’s first attempt, they’d come up with something breathtakingly awkward, like the Southern California (Except Los Angeles Proper and San Diego) Grande Mission Cats.

Overall Impact: As the California/Anaheim Angels, this was a terrific team name, Disney-movie bastardization notwithstanding. As the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, it’s a disaster.

Seattle Mariners

Originality: Samuel Coleridge is bitter, but since only about 13% of baseball fans have the first clue who he is, and most of them confuse him with Bruce Dickinson, the M’s are on to something here. It also just sounds good.

Geo-cultural relevance: It’s a city on an ocean inlet, for Chrissakes. People drive boats to Seahawk and University of Washington football games. The only person I know in Seattle lives on an island and must take a ferry to get to downtown. This is a brilliantly evocative name for this town.

Tradition: The Mariners pale in comparison to their expansion brethren from Toronto, having never sniffed the World Series, despite winning 116 games in 2001. They do, however, have the Mariner Moose (a bit of an odd juxtaposition, frankly – they couldn’t have found a narwhal suit, or a salmon costume?). Hell, the team’s Hall of Fame only has four members, one of whom is a broadcaster.

If They Named the Team Today…their corporate overlords from Nintendo would demand cross-promotional value. The Seattle Wiizards, perhaps, or the Game Boyz.

Overall Impact: I love this name. It’s got a good syllabic mix, and it works perfectly for the team’s location. Nice work, pre-grungy dudes.

Oakland Athletics

Originality: As old-school as the game itself, Athletics wasn’t particularly original when the team was named back in the 1860s. Over time, though, as the team moved from Philadelphia to Kansas City to Oakland, the name took on a retro-kitschy vibe which turned the conservative derivation into a modestly hip new-age moniker. Oddly, the Billy Beane-era A’s are one of the least athletic teams in baseball, since all they care about is hitting homeruns and walking. (/Joe Morgan)

Geo-cultural relevance: If you’d been paying attention even one paragraph ago, you’d remember, and I quote, “…the team moved from Philadelphia to Kansas City to Oakland”. Try to keep up here, people. Of course there’s no relevance. I’m really gonna need you to start thinking for yourselves.

Tradition: A whole mess of tasty goodness here, as the A’s can trot out Connie Mack, Charlie Finley and his array of silly antics, terrific mustaches in the early 70s, day-glo uniforms, white cleats, Reggie Jackson, Vida Blue, Dennis Eckersley, the Bash Brothers, mountains of steroids, Dave Stewart, and one of the worst drunken episodes of my collegiate career. Long story.

If They Named the Team Today…they’d seek out the most undervalued naming property available, oblivious to the nervous guffaws of the entrenched “baseball men” still running the game. They’d jump ahead of the trend by going completely corporate, inking a multi-year, multi-million dollar deal to become the Bay Area Laboratory Cooperatives.

Texas Rangers

Originality: As a name itself in a vacuum, this is obviously not an original construction. As a franchise’s tag, though, it’s killer. I wish I’d thought of it first.

Geo-cultural relevance: A no-brainer bullseye. It specifically evokes Texas’ unique and colorful history, from the days of Sam Houston right through Chuck Norris.

Tradition: The team’s use of the name hasn’t nearly lived up its promise. I blame George W. Bush. Sorry, reflex.

If They Named the Team Today…Tom Hicks would drastically overpay a group of swishy naming consultants from some treehugging Pacific Northwest firm to come up with a splashy name, spending so much in the process that he’d hamstring the franchise for several years before he sold the rights to Manhattan. I’m thinking Los Banditos Fabulosos de Tejas.

Overall Impact: Texas Rangers is an awesome name. Shame the team doesn’t live up to it.

AL West Recap:

Of the divisions reviewed to date, this is clearly the most difficult. All of the names are relatively unique and reasonably decent. In the end, the Rangers prevail, nosing out the Mariners, with the Athletics topping the Angels by dint of asinine regional greed.

Next up: NL East (looking for a little grease from the Mets fans who frequents this site - could get ugly if you don't pay the man)

Previous entries:
MLB AL East

30 comments:

T.J. said...

A little late, don't you think?

Mariners released RHP Rick White.
This might be it for the 38-year-old White. He allowed five earned runs in 5 1/3 innings after joining the Mariners on Aug. 23.

Marls said...

The Los Angeles Guest Workers of Anaheim
The Seattle Marios
The Oakland Double Homicides
The Texas Loan Stars (Playing at Countrywide Ballpark at Arlington)

rob said...

quote from a deadspin commenter in reference to the ankiel/hgh news this morning:

How is it possible to love and hate sports with this much passion these days?

amen, brother. i think gammons had it right, saying that ankiel's documented use of hgh was related to his rehab as a pitcher and has nothing to do with his rebirth as an outfielder. still, as leitch points out this morning, the doubt will always be there.

and that sucks.

Whitney said...

I don't disagree entirely, but I think at least a tiny degree of doubt is there with just about every ballplayer of this era. Now that Cal Ripken has retired, there's no one above reproach in the steroids cheating mystery.

T.J. said...

And even Cal has one of the juicier, non-PED rumors always following him...

rob said...

i love that rumor.

how does louisville give up 42 to middle tennessee? wvu might post 80 on the cards. and only win by a touchdown.

Greg said...

Is the Cal rumor you've mentioned the one about Brady Anderson? Or is it about the hooker with dysentery?

rob said...

i'm thinking about the kevin costner rumor.

T.J. said...

Has McManus been telling stories again?

T.J. said...

Greg, it's the Costner rumor...

Greg said...

Oh...which one is that? Is it the one about the boat-house?

Jerry said...

When Greg gets bored at the movies, he makes up his own movie.

Los Angeles Riots
Seattle Sea Panthers
Oakland Vista
Texas Prairie Bandits

T.J. said...

Step 1: Type "Cal Ripken" and "Kevin Costner" and "rumor" into the interweb searchy thing

Step 2:

Step 3: Profit

rob said...

sea panthers is dangerously close to sex panthers.

rob said...

jerry, care to get a head start on a new name for the Mets?

T.J. said...

Anaheim EMILIOS
Seattle KIND BUDS
Oakland MOUTH BREATHERS
Texas COW TIPPERS

Jerry said...

How about the New York Locals?

Neighborhood-oriented, intangible, union-backed.

Geoff said...

The LA Dickheads Wearing $85 t-shirts and walking around all smug even though they answer the phones at Danny Bonaduce's fledgling production company.
The Seattle Lattes
The Oakland Plight
The Texas Toast

Geoff said...

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Los Angeles? My favorite people in LA are the illegals. Everyone else can go to hell...except Clark...he's okay, I guess.

Jerry said...

I hate Rex Hudler.

T.J. said...

Do you hate L.A. more or less than Ms. Estefan?

Geoff said...

That would be the championship game in the Burr hate bracket: LA versus Gloria Estefan. I'm gonna go with LA there, only because Gloria seems to be fading away.

Greg said...

The Seattle Jitters
The Oakland Hombres
Pepsi Presents the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
The Texas Toros

rob said...

greg kills it again. you want to write the next one?

Mark said...

Greg's found his calling. Well, besides hanging out in Alabama strip clubs.

I love that Costner rumor too. Some girl I was dating (close enough) in college told me that and since she was less than well versed in sports I kind of laughed it off. Then I kept hearing it over and over. If it's not true, I don't want to know.

Greg said...

What's the Costner one?

Geoff said...

Hey Greg...c'mere a minute...

Mark said...

Michigan...I mean...wow.

rob said...

couldn't have said it better, myself

T.J. said...

That Michigan/Notre Dame game is gonna be sweet next week, eh?

Do you think Charlie is already picking out his '08 Giants staff?