G:TB's Week 3 NFL Picks

No introduction needed, other than to say G:TB is winning this "battle" by a game heading into Week 3. I believe Gheorghe is 6-4 while the Wheeladobe is 5-5. You could cut the tension with a balloon. Picks below, and it's on you to figure out who wrote them (hint: Whitney may have entered witness protection, thinking all U.S. Marshalls look like Mary McCormack, so don't pick him):

New York Jets (+9) at San Diego Chargers
Things people don’t know about the Chargers: They’ve given up an average of 287 yards per game. And that's against the Broncos and Panthers, two teams that aren’t perceived as offensive juggernauts. They’ve also surrendered 32 points per game. And they’re averaging less than 100 rushing yards per game.

The Jets offense has been as weak as Mangini’s ability to say no to doughnuts, but you have to think (hope?) it will get better. They have new pieces that have to mesh on the offensive line, and Favre is still learning the playbook. On defense, they’ve shown some toughness, although they need Vernon Gholston to get a hold of Merriman’s steroids dealer if he wants to be on the field for more than twelve plays this week. That’s looking like a solid draft pick, now isn’t it?

Nonetheless, a 9 point cushion is a lot to give a team that has Norv Turner calling the shots and Phil Rivers leading the offense. The Jets should be competitive in this one. Take the Jets.

Cardinals @ Redskins (-3)
The immovable object (my abject disdain for Dan Snyder) meets the irresistible force (Zorn!) in Sunday’s Skins/Cards tilt. Snyder’s diabolically brilliant move to have Vinny Cerrato host 4 hours of drive-time radio each week should pay long-term dividends, as it will distract the Skins’ GM from his theoretical day job – a clear case of addition by subtraction. In the short term, though, the impact is harder to assess. Will Durant Brooks succumb to the pressure of punting for his career, now that Vinny will be too busy to protect him? Will Chris Cooley’s dong sneak out during a lull in the action and make a phone call to Radio Free Vinny? How will the Skins handle Buges when he strokes out while trying to figure out what the heck Cerrato’s actually paid to do around Ashburn? Oh, and the Cardinals offense is more explosive than Chris Berman on a burrito and Coors Light bender. We’ll take Arizona and the points.

Buccaneers (+3) @ Bears
I'm not even sure why I'm bothering to do a pick this week. I mean, my head is so overrun with images of toothless rednecks wearing creamsicle orange and singing the lyrics to Rocky Top whilst slugging Evan Williams that I can't even think straight. While others may see a blowout ahead for Florida over Tennessee, I have a sneaking suspicion that Saturday's game in Knoxville is going to be tight late into the 4th quarter. However, I'm not here to pick the result of the battle between the Gators and Vols but to discuss the renewal of a former NFC North Division rivalry between the Bucs and the Bears. Most of my childhood Sundays were spent watching the Bucs be pummeled within their division, and no team was more responsible for this then the Bears. They bullied, bloodied and beat the Bucs with a yawn inducing offense and a stout defense (some things never change). Their fans outnumbered Bucs fans 3-to-1 at the Old Sombrero and didn't hesitate to talk as much shit as humanly possible when the Bears inevitably pulled away from Tampa late...in the 1st quarter.

Some people have tried to make a big deal out of the fact that Brian Griese used to play for Chicago and thus should have a grasp of their defensive strengths and weaknesses. Of course, this line of reasoning neglects to take into account that Griese's time in Chicago also means that Lovie Smith and Bob Babich are keenly aware of how much Brian Griese sucks. Which is to say...a whole, whole bunch. With Tampa on the road and facing a team with a suspect offense, the focus should be on establishing the running attack, with a heavy emphasis on Earnest Graham, (Remembers Tennessee 2001...punches desk) and keeping the defense fresh so they can throw the proverbial kitchen sink at Kyle Orton. However, if I know Jon Gruden like I think I do, the focus will end up being on multiple bunch formations, tons of men in motion and at least 3 illegal procedure penalties. There's not enough of a difference between Griese and Orton to allow me to take Tampa on the road. Take Chicago and the under.

St. Louis (+9) at Seattle
Through two weeks, the Rams have scored 16 points. Stellar job, well done Scott Linehan. Oh yeah, they've also allowed 79. This week, they drag their sorry asses to the land of Xavier McDaniel and Swint chick flicks as 9 point dogs. Both teams are 0-2 in the trifling NFC West. Seems like a fine spread to me. Oh wait, the Seahawks are starting Logan Payne, Courtney Taylor and Michael Bumpus at wideout this week. Three weeks ago Matt Hasselbeck had such severe back pain they gave him a spinal epidural. Linehan's club sucks, they probably lose, but they cover...and Lane Kiffin leaves Scott another profanity-laced 3am voicemail. Take the Rams (most likely the last time you'll hear that this year).