Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: Day Six

On the sixth day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me:


Six games worth watching (and picking)
Five Combined Wins;
Four Compliments For T.J.;
Three French Hens;
Two Dope-ass Rhymes (and a whole mess of sub-par ones as well);
And a Doofus Dancing (Amidst a Really Long and Grumpy Analysis of the New Kanye West Album).


You didn't really think I was going to let Gheorghe-mas pass without showing my handsome face (and heavily tattooed body) around these parts, did you? Well, I couldn't of blamed you if you had thought that, as I've been pretty scarce contribution wise lately. What can I say? Life's been busy for me. New job, preparing for my wedding, rehabbing my body from a devastating meth explosion...I mean, injury. It's gotten to the point that I barely have time to taunt Geoff on Twitter about his sexuality. But...the Teej threatened to revoke my membership (with the new nickname and radio celebrity he's an even bigger diva than normal)if I didn't contribute to Gheorghe-mas, so despite the fact that I spent most of the afternoon drinking with Greg I decided to sit down and do my part this evening.

Remember when Gheorghe: The Blog used to pick NFL games against the boys of Jerry's Wheelhouse? Yeah, I barely remember that too. But it did in fact happen, for an entire season no less (I blame Danimal for fucking up our momentum). So, with the best NFL weekend of the year upon us, I figured I'd bring that recurring feature back (sans Wheelhouse). Enjoy, and as always, these picks are for entertainment purposes only. If you're going to bet on the NFL, bet on Raheem Morris, Josh Freeman and their matching, magic Wildcat shaped Johnsons. You heard it here first.

Chiefs (-1) @ Rams: Do you want to get drunk tomorrow afternoon? Well, you probably hate your kids. I'm not here to judge you. I hate my kids too. That's why I don't answer their phone calls and always maintain a minimum one state buffer zone. Anywho, if you want to get aggressively drunk tomorrow (I'm looking at you Igor) just take a shot every time one of the announcers makes a "show me" reference. Listen, my family is from St. Louis. I've had some very good times in Missouri. But even I'm willing to acknowledge that Missouri is a shit hole. If the most interesting thing you can say about a state is it's stupid, made up slogan (New Hampshire...you're on notice) then that place fucking sucks. And so does anything going on there. Take the Chiefs, for the last time in a long time because Sam Bradford is the truth. The Rams will own the NFC west for the next 6-8 years. Just not yet. Seriously.

Jags (+4.5) @ Colts: I guess we're supposed to be interested in this game. I mean, the AFC South is on the line but are either of these teams really any kind of postseason threat? Ummm, no. Since we're here, I'd like to point out the most underreported story of the NFL year. Kasim Osgood getting tied up, pistol whipped and then jumping out of a 2nd story window to escape certain death after he was caught fishing off the company pier by the boyfriend of a Jags cheerleader. This story was widely reported but quickly fell from the headlines. As I've said in this space before, I have a friend who tends bar at a popular Jacksonville Beach nightspot that is frequented by Jags players and he gave me the full story the last time I was in Jacksonville. Let me assure you, the reports DO NOT do this story justice. Force of habit, Colts.

Saints (+3) @ Baltimore: At what point do we all acknowledge that Baltimore's defense just isn't that good anymore? The secondary is suspect. The pass rush is inconsistent and Ray Lewis is taking over for Wilford Brimley in the Quaker Oats ads next year. "Quaker Oats: They'll murder your hunger! But they'll also use your financial resources to avoid prosecution." I know, the slogan needs work, but RayRay can sell anything. Don't believe me? What other prominent athlete with a high profile felony charge is successfully hawking everything from Old Spice to Snuggies? Uh huh. While we're here, I thought I'd share what I'm buying TJ for Christmas. Obviously, it won't compare to what Greg gave him but I think he'll still enjoy it. Saints...straight up.

Jets (+6) @ Steelers: I'm not sure I believe all the sky is falling crap about the Jets. Have they looked good the last couple of weeks? Fuck and no. Are we sure Mark Sanchez is a certifiably competent NFL QB? Hell no. Shit, he's Mexican. Do you know a single Mexican in his 20s who's good at anything? Besides Rey Mysterio, of course. I'll save you the time and say...no. To be fair, the whitebread assholes who frequent this blog are about as ethnically aware/diverse as my dead Grandmother who used to brag about my family being related to Jefferson Davis. (Seriously, if I have to see another picture of @CGormley's goddammed kitchen I might fly to Boston and firebomb it just out of principle). Wow...things escalated quickly...I mean they really got out of hand. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think the Jets D gets after a shitty Steelers OLine (save for Mike Pouncey) and batters a hobbled Ben Rapistberger tomorrow (I wasn't even trying to be funny here, it's just easier to spell 'rape' than whatever his fucking last name is) and comes away with a win. This game will be low scoring but at least we'll see some concussions. Take the Jets.

Packers (+11.5) @ Patriots: This seems like an absurdly high line for two potential Playoff teams until you remember that Aaron Rodgers isn't playing and Matt Flynn is. Let me make you some money for Xmas shopping (or for more money at the shake club on Xmas eve...you're intrigued by the possibilities...don't lie), this line cannot be high enough. New England is winning, and winning big. Just take the Pats and lay the points. Since this game now sucks, and I'm in the Christmas spirit, I'd like to pass out another gift to a fellow G:TBer. To Zman: the guy I've never met but feel like I'd have been friends with if I had been given the good fortune of being a Northeast, liberal, prep school, tennis playing, elitist as opposed to the Southern, public school, meth cooking, basketball playing elitist that I am. You gave me Curren$y. I gave you Ghostface on Twitter. You've promised me a bottle of liquor and now I give you Emancipator: Soon It Will Be Cold Enough. It's not hip hop, more downtempo, but the beats are dope and it's an album that really goes well with the winter weather. Buy it, bitch.



Bears @ Vikings (NL): Let's be honest, the only reason anybody cares about this game anymore is because it's being played outdoors in Minnesota in late December. You know what though? That's enough for me. Speaking of sports in ridiculous weather, did any of you see the Ipswich-Leicester game on Saturday? Holy shit. It was like the Raiders-Patriots playoff Snow/Tuck Rule game without any of the importance or fan support. Much like England, it was completely fucking irrelevant, but still somehow notable. Watching a game like that makes me even more angry at baseball fans than usual. You people are right, soccer players are pussies. But somehow they can manage to play a game in a blizzard in shorts while baseball players won't even get on the field in a heavy drizzle. I can't wait until I'm old and I can drink all day and baseball is as irrelevant nationally as boxing has become. In the meantime, I think I'll continue to drink all day. Take the Bears or Julius Peppers will impregnate your wife and/or daughter. Whoops, too late. Bears.

That's it. For all the rest of the G:TB crew, I love you guys and I'm not finished Christmas shopping yet so don't fucking send me a Christmas list. I'm going to get you something and I neither want nor need any of your input to do this. Except for you TR. I don't know a fucking thing about you other than you like to drink on the train. How's a toy train set made of beer cans sound? Good? Well, swell then. Wait, that's not a train set? Shit. Well fly me up to Jersey and we'll build it together. We'll even get Dave involved. He seems like he needs adults to hang out with.

55 comments:

Igor said...

Rob, the latest addition to the long list of guys to play for both of our squads is a dandy. Enjoy the artistry of Dan Wheeler.

rob said...

yeah, i knew you'd enjoy that signing.

Igor said...

Mark, great Day 6. I am indeed lining the fields for a Sunday afternoon of heavy intoxication. (Don't read too much into the metaphor, it will just be alcohol.)

But I won't be heeding Mark's sage advice; instead I will be subjecting myself to the Redskins-Cowboys debacle like the dude in Clockwork Orange with his eyelids forced open. I can't look away. Grossman, the bell tolls for thee.

Our chum who runs the hang gliding school in Kitty Hawk is coming up to Norfolk today. He has made a holiday tradition of leaving his wife and kids at home, driving up here for a day/night, and going Christmas shopping with me -- you know, because the stores down there sell only board shorts, SPF 69, OBX stickers, Brew Thru key chains and rag weed (around back). Then he comes up, we drink for 12 hours, and he orders his family's gifts online. 'Tis the season.

zman said...

Gheorghemas is back on track. Nicely done.

When did Norfolk become a center of excellence in shopping? Outside of handguns, cigarettes, and crackpipe lighters, of course.

rob said...

right on cue, berman with a few 'show me' puns.

Dave said...

i love angry NFL analysis-- nice work mark. especially excellent use of the phrase "fishing off the company pier." my only complaint: no giants/eagles pick?

Dave said...

and igor, tell the big man i said "hello" and hopefully we'll all catch up on spring break-- we're going to williamsburg not nags head this year, but maybe we can still plan some kind f outing.

T.J. said...

Whit, when you are on your gay xmas shopping excursion can you ask Windy Weave if he does year-round weather reports?

Igor said...

Not sure what an "f outing" is, but even though I can do it legally in the Navy now I don't think I want any part of it.

Igor said...

That's Windy Buttocks to you, Teej. He'll be calling in a wind report from the bar. Looks like a hazy one.

T.J. said...

The only game Mark and I picked differently is the Jags/Colts game.

Mark, that is not good news for you.

zman said...

Not that anyone cares, but I'm starting Cassel instead of Stanton. What's worse -- a guy with no appendix or a guy with no talent? I'm doomed.

T.J. said...

zman, Cassell is starting.

T.J. said...

Um...wow...

zman said...

We need to make this radio show happen.

T.J. said...

We're slightly closer than you think...

T.J. said...

How can the Skins get worse? Let me count the ways...

Also, I need to go about 12-4 this week to have any chance at a money finish in my picks pool, so Mark I hope we hit all of these games.

I also am one of 8 still standing in a Survivor pool...

Igor said...

We've seen Snyder fire coaches after games featuring a far more proficient effort than this shit. Dear lord.

Marls said...

Teej, when you post the producer job opening let me know.

Igor said...

Horrrrrrrrrrrrrible roughing call. Not even close. Not even close.

Marls said...

Zack Greinke to the Brewers? WTF is going on in Yankeeland? Cashman must be on an eggnog bender.

Andy P's agent has a chubby right now.

T.J. said...

Austin Collie is Al Toon.

Igor said...

This just in: DeAngelo Hall took the Cowboys giving 13.

Jerry said...

Giants.

rob said...

i'm really glad i'm not watching this skins game.

Dave said...

giants?

they'll be fine.

Danimal said...

Jags

T.J. said...

Rex Grossman, fantasy stud.

T.J. said...

Lance Moore!

T.J. said...

Andy Reid is fucking retarded.

T.J. said...

Zman, you really should've started Rex Grossman.

Marls said...

River Jack looks very confused on the Jags sidelines.

Dierdorf still sucks.

Marls said...

FU Dave. This is all your fault.

T.J. said...

Booyah Jets

T.J. said...

Tom Coughlin is going to murder his punter.

Shlara said...

I realize it is football day, but I'm still trying to get over that epic failure of a Wizards game last night. We were GOING TO WIN, and then Blatche had that idiot foul and Nick Young screwed up the inbounds. Biggest dagger in years.

So I thought I'd watch the Steelers game to cheer me up and the Jets score in the first ten secs. Not helping.

T.J. said...

Miracle at he (new) Meadowlands.

Someone wake up Herm Edwards...

Jerry said...

It's a good thing I don't take losses as hard as I used to.

Mark said...

I stayed out drinking with Greg until 3:30 last night. Actually that's not completely true. Our friend Schmitt took me home at 3:30. Greg, on the other hand, was still busy with a girl we know from Junior High that we bumped into at the bar. We just left him at her house. I assume Greg was awake for a while longer. Good times. Then I woke up with the flu this morning and laid waste to my toilet, from multiple angles no less. I've been in bed all day and haven't watched any football. I do know the Bucs lost and I saw that the Giants were up 24-3 at halftime. Based on these comments, I'm assuming the Giants blew that lead. Wow. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some Gatorade and saltines to try and keep down.

Danimal said...

Jim furyk on Monday night- sports bar and wearing slacks, dress shirt, sweater.
not judging here. Hardly ever go to church. Today we did. Laettner- jeans. Jordan's and Sean John sweatshirt. Just saying.

Dave said...

i had some sort of aneurysm watching the giants game and now i'm completely retarded. i have no memory of the game or the last three days of my life. why did he punt it like that?

T.J. said...

This Jets game is gonna kill me...

zman said...

Couldn't start Grossman, playoff rosters were frozen on Thursday.

I would be winning if I started Flynn or Stanton. As it stands I need a TD from Greg Jennings to win.

rob said...

merry xmas, z

T.J. said...

Zman...winner???

Mark said...

There you go, Z.

Mark said...

Good Lord we're predictable.

Mark said...

Greatest kickoff return ever? Greatest kickoff return ever.

T.J. said...

Mark, speaking of predictable...I just tweeted that same thing.

TR said...

Wow. A back-up guard returns a kickoff 71 yds. We jet fans need the Pack to get it done tonight.

Mark said...

I know TJ. I was going to do the same thing until I realized you were quicker on the draw.

zman said...

I will advance to the Joe Mott Honorary Memorial Fantasy Football League Championship Game if Greg Oleson doesn't score tomorrow night.

TR said...

NBC giving me my Scorpions fix tonight.

zman said...

The zwoman said "My pants don't fit, I have to fart all the time, and I have acid reflux. This must be what it's like to be you. It sucks to be you."

zman said...

Tyjuan is a fantastic first name. Like Taiwan, only spelled wrong.