Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Can I Drink More Liquor? Why Haven't I?

I love the taste of beer. I love drinking beer. I love the renaissance in beer brewing in America. I love a cold beer on the beach. I love a cold beer after I mow my lawn (actually, I don't mow my own lawn . . . we pay someone to mow our lawn because my wife doesn't like the way my manual push-mower cuts the grass). So I love a cold beer after someone else mows my lawn.

Not only do I love beer, but I need beer. I am a coach. Before soccer practice, I put two pint glasses in the freezer. I know that I am going to need that beer when I get home from coaching those children. I am a high school teacher. After a long day of being shallow and pedantic in front of surly teenagers, nothing soothes my swollen larynx nodules more than a cold beer.

 

But I'm getting older. My beard has a lot of white hairs in it. And I'm getting fatter, which would be fine, except that I'm trying to eke a few more years of basketball, soccer, and snowboarding out of my body. Plus,  like everyone else, I want to look badass. So I'm constantly trying to adopt a liquor drink. I know liquor has less calories than beer, and I know it will make me less bloated and gassy. Did I tell you beer makes me bloated and gassy? It's a crying shame. Liquor doesn't do this to me.

At this point, some of you might be saying: why not just quit drinking altogether? I wish that were an option. If I lived alone, in a lighthouse, with an unlimited Netflix account and a large library of books, and I only had to interact with people (especially my children) when I felt like it, then maybe I could pull it off. But if I'm going to continue life as a family man . . . with a wife, kids, a dog, a house, a job . . . teaching and coaching and being generally involved and friendly in my community, then I'm going to need to lean on the crutch of alcohol.



I am on vacation now in Sea Isle City with my cousins, and yesterday we put in a full day on the beach. At 6:30 PM yesterday, while I was embroiled in a heated corn-hole match with my twenty-something cousins, we ran out of beer. This was an intense match, and I needed alcohol to steady my hand. I couldn't wait until the cooler was replenished, so I sought aid from my older cousins -- who were sitting in chairs with my father, sipping stuff out of green Solo cups. They provided me with a cup of warm gin, instructed me to put some ice in it, and then drink it. My cousin Jeff said, "We're purists over here." I am not a purist, so once I tasted the iced gin, I tried to add some iced tea to it to smooth out the flavor . . . but it didn't work. My younger cousins said they could see the pain on my face when I tried to drink it. I felt less a man (but we did win the corn-hole match). When another cousin arrived with cold beer, I surreptitiously poured my gin and iced tea into a hole in the sand. I would never make it in the Old West.

I like high-end tequila. I can drink it, but I am certainly no purist. In fact, I am a pain in the ass. When my friend had his annual "Steak and Tequila Night", it evolved into "S and T Night," so that I could drink Sol and Tecate. I had a perfunctory glass of tequila, but it was hot, and nothing goes down like a cold beer. I was bloated and gassy the next day. If I would have stuck with tequila all night, this wouldn't have happened. And there's no way I can see myself pouring a glass of tequila on the rocks after a long day at work.


I experimented with Sambuca, which I really like . . . in fact, I like all the anise liquors: arak, raki, ouzo, etc. I drank a ton of the stuff when I lived in Syria, because the beer had formaldehyde in it and you got a splitting headache after you drank two. But now that I'm back in the States, and there's good beer everywhere, a cold and milky glass of Sambuca pales in comparison to a cold beer in a frozen mug.

Last Friday, I was at a wedding, and I took a sip of someone's dirty martini and thought: this is it. This will be my drink! So I ordered one and got half way through it before I realized that it would not be my drink. I went back to beer. And this seriously impaired my ability to consume all the food at the wedding. If I could learn to drink liquor, I could be far more gluttonous at these sorts of events. First world problems, you say, and you are right, but not completely right. Jared Diamond's new book, The World Until Yesterday, describes some insanely gluttonous eating that goes on in Papua New Guinea . . . stuffing ourselves may be one of our most human characteristics, but usually when tribes feasted, then the feast was followed by fasting and famine.

A dark and stormy is pretty tasty, but it seems awfully close to a Chocolate Choo-Choo. Gin and tonic is doable, but drinking one of those makes me feel like a 90 year old female alcoholic.



I want to look like John Wayne in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance . . . drinking straight brown liquor from a glass. No ice. But unless my taste buds decay fast, it's not going to happen. Instead, I'll be swilling beer, and running waist-deep into the ocean every seven minutes -- which doesn't look very macho. John Wayne doesn't ever have to pee when he's drinking.

Could I do more to combat this weakness in my character? Absolutely. I could follow the dinner-time advice I give to my kids: you have to try something ten times before you decide if you like it or not.

I could listen to my friends when they drone on about single malt scotch. I could find a liquor-mentor. I could read up.

Have I done any of these things. The answer is a shameful "no." Why not?  Because I like the taste of beer! And maybe there's nothing wrong with that.

65 comments:

T.J. said...

the "shallow and pedantic" clip. My day is made.

T.J. said...

also, dave published that 1 minute before a special "fashion is dumb" zsubmission. i will push that to tomorrow now

T.J. said...

and rob, that auto-play video from a few posts down couldn't be more annoying. boffo work.

Jerry said...

If you binge watch Justified, you might be inspired to drink straight bourbon. At least that's what happens to me.

Mark said...

Bourbon's my go to. You don't have to be John Wayne and always drink it straight. Find a mixer you like (water, ginger ale, tonic) and it can be a nice addition. No need to give up on beer though.

Jerry said...

Things on the internet...

" Dwyane Wade | SG | 6-5 | Marquette

Ford's Take: The first big shocker of the draft. Pat Riley really wanted a player who could contribute right away. Wade can play in the backcourt with Eddie Jones. He's got a good handle and can play point at times. He's got a great first step and is a solid defender. He's one of the most mature players in the draft. The biggest issue? The Heat desperately need a good shooter in the backcourt. For all of Wade's strengths, he isn't a good long range shooter. Interesting pick. Obviously, by passing on Chris Kaman and Maciej Lampe, Riley doesn't like projects. "

T.J. said...

the only liquor I care to consume is vodka. the wife has now taken to making different infused vodkas for the home, which are a nice touch

T.J. said...

Maciej Lampe

LOLZ

Jerry said...

Maciej Lampe | SF | 7-0 | Poland

Ford's Take: The steal of the draft. The Knicks seriously thought about taking him at No. 9. Contract buyout issues really killed his draft stock at the end. But how big of a deal were they. He had a big buyout, but his agent should be able to challenge it with FIBA. He's a great pick for the Knicks. But when will he be able to play? Now that he's in the second round, the buyout is a big deal. He's going to have to get out of this contract or wait a few years before coming to the NBA.

Clarence said...

I am laughing really hard. Not just because of Dave's jokes. Not just because, following Zman's cultural insights and call to action, this is the most glaring example of "now back to your regularly schedule dipshittery" that I can conjure. Mainly because I was friends with Dave for his entire college career, a good bit of which featured Dave drinking bottles of tequila and going on drunken rampages at the expense of ex-girlfriends, ex-hookups, random girls, annoying roommates, Mokes, Lambos, random guys, people who looked like Squirrel, nerdy guys on our hall, fraternity brothers, people in other fraternities, bandmates, bartenders, and inanimate objects. He would turn red, shout vulgarities and offend people, get in fights, sometimes get beaten up, and wake up injured. Not all of this was attributable to liquor, as his beer nights were no picnic (even the time he barged into a picnic and took over the grill while speaking exclusively bad Spanish). But his liquor escapades were consistently out of hand. The tequila era of Dave was a pretty terrible period in his personal history, part Dark Ages, part Reign of Terror, part Inquisition (what a show), part Lennon's Lost Weekend, part Bobby Bo as a Met, part Dave Navarro as a Chili, part Reynolds as a fishing tripper. If he would have stuck with tequila all day, he would not have been gassy and bloated. He would have been arrested and jailed. This is a terrible idea, Dave. Those who get so blackout drunk they do not remember history are doomed to repeat it, but let me be your memory bank. Bad times. Not good times. Bad times.

Eh, never mind. I will bring some tequila to the fishing trip.

Mark said...

That draft Jerry's highlighting represents a very, very dark time in Chad Ford's life. His love of unproven Euros knew no end at this point. His Darko love is well documented. You saw how he felt about Lampe. He heaped nearly equal praise on Pavel Podkolzin. Ugh.

Mark said...

TJ's liquor tastes are similar to most 17 year old girls. Infused vodkas! Yaaaay!

zman said...

Maker's Mark is pretty sweet and easy to drink with an ice cube. Pour in some Coke if you can't drink it straight.

If I knew how to make a Pimm's cup I would drink Pimm's cups all summer.

Clarence said...

I think TJ not liking much liquor is one of those ways that the world inherently protects itself, and I think we're all glad for it. Like how cancer isn't airborne and contagious, or like how bears don't know how to drive cars.

mayhugh said...

Jerry told me at Slats' wedding that we were at the age where we should drink straight bourbon. I obliged, and have not looked back. Though I do like a nice infused vodka from time to time.

T.J. said...

it's actually "all the vodkas, yaaaaaaaaay"

Mark said...

Fair enough. And I agree with Jerry and Mayhugh. If you're drinking good bourbon of course.

KQ said...

Tequila = angry juice.
Drink for minimal bloating = gin soda lemon lime.
Shlara loves a Pimm's Cup.
Had a whiskey ginger lime & mint concoction recently = delish.

In other news - trained a new client today. She told me she and her husband are both W&M alums. I mentioned I had several "friends" who attended and were Tribe fans. She said "That's tough. We suck." She also shared this little story: "Coach Laycock was in my class. In fact, he married a woman who was also in our class. He's an idiot. When he started to have some success he decided he could do better so he traded in for a new model. Yeah. Piece of work."

TR said...

1) Vodka tonic is the drink to have when you're gonna have a lot. I prefer Stoli Orange and tonic. I can drink a ton of them and keep rocking and rolling. If you don't like that, learn to sip on a good scotch. Johnny Black on the rocks is delicious and is a bladder-friendly way to maturely get hammered.

2) Zman gravely misrepresented me last night. I was the guy who brought train beers for the ride in not him. And I was the guy who brought up ordering two beers each while in line. He demurred.

Greg said...

Sambuca and coffee is a highly underrated after-dinner drink.

zman said...

I did not mean to cast aspersions on TR's performance, to the contrary, he swilled plenty of beer. I merely meant to point out my poor decision-making. Late-night bacon cheeseburgers were key to settling my stomach for the trip home.

TR said...

I just want it on the record that I make poor decisions with the best of them.

Alarm at 5:50 AM (I slept in) was not a ton of fun. And I may or may not have been derailed from work for 20-30 minutes to, um, play Sudoku in a quiet place.

zman said...

If anyone deserves to be lambasted it's the Siri in your iPhone--if Siri can't find "nearest diner" despite standing outside of a diner, she's worthless. Especially considering she drank nothing.

Dave said...

thanks for all the suggestions (and reminders -- perhaps i won't work too hard at drinking more liquor). i do want to try some infused pepper vodka -- i think if i go spicy enough it might work.

i love when they drink bourbon in the office on justified. that never happens in the english office. dale's on the beach for me today, avoiding the sandy cup of gin in a plastic cup . . .

Dave said...

just got an e-mail invite to a "scotch tasting party." i guess i have to go. thanks a lot, zman, for this call to action.

Mark said...

Antonio Morrison's charges for barking at a police dog have been dropped. I believe someone predicted that on Sunday.

If you haven't seen the video, well, it doesn't make the arresting officer look too good.

Marls said...

Carlos Danger....Awesome.

Marls said...

Carlos Danger and Joe Kickass need to hang out.

Clarence said...

...along with Taco Lopez.

Marls said...

That's my good friend Taco Alonzo.

Marls said...

Was Ron Mexico involved in all this?

Shlara said...

gin + soda water + lime + ice = perfect drink
and I do love a Pimms Cup...

zman said...

I've been listening to him for years and I think he's fabulous.

Squeaky said...

Can't go wrong with bourbon and ginger in the summer time. But I've also been drinking some Lynchburg lemonades as well this summer. Sort of been off the beer wagon all summer which is unusual for me. Beer is typically my mainstay.

Clarence said...

Normally reliable Southwest Airlines shitting the bed right now. I got a phone call each time this leg of my travel changed departure times. 8 calls I got. Now sitting at the gate at BWI, and the departure time posted is 20
minutes ago. On my second beer. Shoulda started earlier.

Clarence said...

And my disdain for airline people is superseded by that for people who vault to the front of the Southwest boarding process -- and therefore the plane. Obese is good enough to get you preferred status, meaning there were nine fat people needing to get wheeled onto a plane that just boarded. None were elderly. I'm fat, and I wait my turn. Also, one woman got on early because of recent surgery. After I watched her run up to the gate to make sure she got on first. People...

T.J. said...

Dave, tomorrow is National Tequila Day. Make GTB proud.

zman said...

Father John Misty at terminal 5 tomorrow night! Who knew?

rob said...

for fuck's sake, dave.

i'll bring a bottle of whiskey to the beach next week. i encourage the rest of you to do the same. worst case, we get pissed and do stupid shit (also known as status quo).

best case, though, summer dave finds a new hobby.

rob said...

hallo gheorghies, my name is carlos danger. you kill my father. prepare to die.

Marls said...

Rob and I decided that we should all bring a bottle to OBFT and let Dave decide what he likes.

We might also need to bring bail money.

Marls said...

The NY post cover was a bit of a letdown, but the first lines if this article mor than made up for it.

http://www.nypost.com/p/sports/mets/carlos_avoids_danger_early_puts_s2CtVXoaaCndeYyzewypLN?utm_medium=rss&utm_content=Mets

rob said...

and the haaangovers hurt more than they used to

zman said...

Cover of the Daily News: Beat It! next to a picture of Weiner. It's a little meta.

Shlara said...

How does he not know the difference between texting and Snapchat?

Marls said...

We may need to take up a collection and send the Teej.

http://www.wistatefair.com/wp/Food-Category/new-foods/

Deep fried peanut butter & bacon bites with berry jelly.....

T.J. said...

werd

Geoff said...

Get pumped about FratPAC. Can summer Dave opine on the pros and cons of hazing?

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-07-24/mother-of-golf-prodigy-in-hazing-death-defied-by-fratpac.html

TR said...

Is Allen Wunsch the head of the PAC?

(joke for 5)

TR said...

According to the world wide web, Lewis Black, Mark Cuban, Bud Selig, Herb Kohl and Kevin James are all Lammies. I can't wait to give each of them the secret handshake.

rob said...

little disappointed you didn't already know that. you must've been a terrible goat.

sandy koufax and rafer johnson are, too.

TR said...

I know the old guys (Cosell, Artis Gilmore, etc), but Kevin James and Cuban weren't exactly household names back in my day. I don't even know if they were born back when you were in college.

Dave said...

this "everyone bring a bottle of liquor to the obft" and the pros/cons of hazing has the makings of a good post-obft post.

Greg said...

Prez of the FratPAC has gotta be Rotz. (joke for zero)

rob said...

just had a random mini-summit with shlara in penn station. she'd like to haze dave, too.

Clarence said...

The Rafer Johnson Upsilon Award!

Other Pi Lams:

Michael Mann
Herman Wouk
Richard Rodgers
Oscar Hammerstein
Arlen Specter
Herbert Kohl
John Hodulik
Arthur Loew
Leigh Steinberg
Otto Wolfcastle

zman said...

Greg Rotz, one thousand degrees!

zman said...

Wither Bennet Cerf?

zman said...

The president of Ohrbach's was a Lammie?!? Teedge, did you have one of those too? Ours was across the street from the Caldor/Bradlees strip mall.

Mark said...

Frat talk! I love these days at G:TB.

rob said...

this is way cool, and pretty cheap, to boot:

http://www.fastcompany.com/3014781/tech-forecast/google-newest-gadget-chromecast-beams-content-from-your-phone-to-your-tv

Jerry said...

Have we ever had a coffee maker at the Martha Wood? People like coffee.

T.J. said...

like Jerry Orbach of "Law & Order" and "Dirty Dancing" fame?

we definitely didn't have that store

Jerry said...

How come we never got any pledges to make a collage of famous Pi Lams? Maybe because it's gay, but still...

rootsminer said...

Jeff Harvey had me make an Artis Gilmore collage, but I don't like to talk about it...