This. This is Gang Green.

The title pays homage to the unintentional comedy from a scene in Mask, a very uncomedic film from the 1980's. The severely disfigured lead character falls in love with a blind girl. He tries to help her understand descriptive adjectives by giving her cotton balls and saying things like "this, this is billowy" in a melodramatic way. It makes for a good running joke between me and the wifey. We say things like "this, this is what infant vomit on your arm is like." I'm sure every other couple has their Mask jokes as well. So while the plight of the 2009-10 Jets doesn't EXACTLY mirror the tragic life of a disfigured teenager born to a drug-addled biker chick, it is important to understand what Green feels like. In a nutshell, it's a cross between waking up in the morning next to a surprisingly cute girl you don't remember drunkenly going home with the night before and squeezing somebody else's corn-laden poo nugget between your fingers.

The nuances of my relationship with the New York Jets are well-documented here. The team has not won a title in the 30 years I've watched them, although they have, for the most part, been average. Despite the perpetual negativity pervading the psyches of the fan-base (somehow achieving misery synergy with overlapping Mets fans), the team has offered enough joyful moments to keep me coming back. The oddest trait about the franchise is its up-and-down nature every year. In the 1980's, before salary caps and free agency churned rosters on an annual basis, franchises rode waves of success that surged and crested before eventually breaking. The Dolphins, Chargers and Raiders all had lengthy runs in the AFC, while the 49ers, Cowboys and Redskin battled in the NFC, giving way to the Bears and Giants in the latter half of the decade. This trend continued for most of the 1990's. But in the face of the arc-like fortunes of these franchises, the Jets' fortunes bobbed like a buoy. Sure, there have been poor draft picks, booger-picking coaches, train wrecks and tragedy. But there have also been surprising playoff appearances and overachieving fan favorites. Inconsistency is the hallmark of Gang Green. It is maddening and uplifting at the same time, but it always causes me to look cautiously toward the future, when anything can happen.

Let's briefly review the team's past two appearances in the AFC Championship:

1/23/83: Jets lose 14-0 to Dolphins in Orange Bowl monsoon
Don Shula orders the tarp to stay off the field the night before, turning it into a slow, muddy slog that mitigates the Jets' speed advantage. Mark Gastineau repeatedly kicks a fumbled ball off a sack while trying to pick it up and run, allowing the Dolphins to get the ball back. Richard Todd throws five interceptions (three to A.J. Duhe, including one he returned for a touchdown in the fourth quarter to seal the victory). The game was as strange as the strike-shortened season. For those too young to remember, the strike (which I remember vividly because of this depressing SI cover) cut the regular season to 9 games. To come up with playoff teams, the league scrapped the division standings and ranked teams in each conference, lining up the best 8 in each conference to go at it. No wild-cards and no byes. This was very perplexing to me as a third-grader. I had just figured out how the league worked after thoroughly enjoying the epic playoff battles leading to Super Bowl XVI (Winslow beating the Dolphins, Montana to Clark), and they go and change the rules on me. Stupid strike.


1/17/99 - Jets get pummeled by Broncos 23-10
The game wasn't as close as the score indicated. Elway, TD and crew won to get back to the Super Bowl and repeat as champions over the whore-loving Atlanta Falcons. The Jets were riding the Parcells-driven Vinny train and over-achieved a bit. The outcome was neither surprising nor saddening. Not much else to say here. Those Broncos teams were awesome and mowed down just about everybody, including the knees of any defensive player lined up in front of the Broncos' dirty offensive line.

1/24/10 - ???

Let's focus on the big picture - the Jets face an oft-choking juggernaut and have some clear advantages with their running game and defense. The Revis factor is overblown because the Colts' passing attack is multi-faceted. On the flip side, the Colts' revenge factor is underblown. (Not a real word, but a nice transition from the prior sentence. And an apt reference to my genitals in college.) The Jets robbed the Colts of a perfect record and some dignity last month, and Peyton was seething on the sidelines after he got pulled. He'll want to shut up Rex Ryan in the worst way. This makes me a bit anxious. As a result, I will be mildly depressed, but not surprised, if the Jets lose.

This year's Jets team has achieved the one basic task you hope for from your NFL team every year - they raised my ceiling of expectations for the team. The Cardinals and Giants did the same thing successfully in the last two post-seasons. Let's hope they can keep pushing that ceiling, with Rex Ryan stepping in for Eric Stoltz, Mark Sanchez in for Cher, Fireman Ed as Sam Elliott and Norv Turner as the principal who insists Rocky Dennis needs to be in Special Ed. And Vernon Gholston as the blind character Laura Dern plays who doesn't understand basic concepts the rest of the world does.