Friday, January 08, 2010

Cousin Bangers, Today on a Very Special Z-Man and the Teej

A little light irony for you this morning as I bask in the glow of Alabama's National Championship. And for the record, I wish Colt McCoy hadn't been hurt.

If Texas (and most of the Big 12, for that matter) wishes to catch up to the SEC (and USC) anytime soon, they'd do well to heed the lessons available in the graphic below. Nearly the entire SEC is located in states that allow first cousins to marry. It's a proven fact that the offspring of first cousins are fast, and can fly to the football. No state that allows same sex marriage is worth anything in college football. Coincidence? Hardly.

174 comments:

Mark said...

A guy I grew up with who is in no way somebody you would call country or a redneck (Preppiest kid I knew in high school, was an ATO at UF) is married to a girl who's his first cousin. They met at a family reunion in Minnesota. His last name is Natwick. Her maiden name?

Yep, Natwick.

rob said...

wow. i can't even fathom meeting a first cousin for the first time at a family reunion. but nobody in either of my parents' families has more than 2 kids.

rob said...

so his in-laws are also his aunt and uncle?

rob said...

and will his children be his second cousins?

TJ said...

How many assholes are on this ship?

zoltan said...

I'm my own grandpa!

Dan said...

i have 30 1st cousins on my dad's side...(irish catholic 1 of 7) ...i have about another 12 on my mom's.
i've been to many a wedding and wake piss drunk and thinking..."yeah, she's my cousin, she is quite hawt,and i think i'd do her...who's going to find out about it?" but stronger head prevailed and incest was avoided.

Mark said...

As far as I know Rob, yes, his in-laws are his aunt and uncle. This all went down during the summer between our freshman and sophomore years in college. She and him began dating that summer and she moved to Gainesville by the second semester of sophomore year. Not surprisingly, this was a major scandal in the small beach community. This kid didn't even come close to fitting the cousin banging profile. One of the bigger ladies men in our class, preppy, smart, etc.

I've known him since kindergarten and played basketball with him since jr. High. Shocking is not nearly strong enough word to describe this. Their wedding invites had two sets of parents named Natwick listed on them. They live a few towns over now and have two kids (neither of which have lobster claws from what I know). Greg hung out with this guy regularly when he lived in Minneapolis for work some years back. Weird, weird shit.

Mark said...

I too have a shit ton of cousins as both my parents have 5 siblings. Howeva, I never thought about touching one of my cousins. If I had, hearing that they had the same last name as me would immediately kill that thought. And Hughes is a hell of a lot more common than Natwick.

zoltan said...

I'd love to see the blurb in the paper on that one. "The bride is keeping her name."

Dan said...

the "lobster claws" elicited an out loud laugh, or an OLL as i call it.
yeah - i knew the thought of the act was pretty sick, but it was interesting to entertain for a brief period nonetheless.
i feel for the kids that they have or eventually have...that's f'd up on a lot of levels.

TJ said...

Here's their kid

TR said...

There needs to be a definitive E! special on Carrot Top. Is it just roids and plastic surgery? What other weird shit is going on there? Did/Does he have any friends that know what drove him to become such a freakshow? I can see how he got fed up with being a geeky readheaded comic that never got the kind of chicks he wanted once he became famous, but to turn into that thing is a whole other level of weird.

Also weird is that he would frequently join Widespread Panic's percussionist on-stage during their extended drum solos. He would play and dance around like a fruitcake.

Dave said...

dear TJ:

which is more repellent, a same sex civil union between first cousins or a traditional marriage?

just wondering,

new jersey

TJ said...

That's more a Z-Man question...my job on the show is to drink and make poop jokes.

zoltan said...

Didn't FDR marry his cousin? Why isn't he the special guest on this very special episode of Z-Man and the Teej?

TJ said...

Because the studio never built a ramp.

Mark said...

Since all the subject seem tailored to me this morning, I'll add this. Carrot Top is from 20 minutes north of where I grew up (Cocoa Beach). From what I've been told, he's really into blow and is a complete fucking egomaniac. I think the thought that he changed things up because his fame still didn't lead to much respect and/or ass is probably right on. Never met the guy though, just a guess based on stories from those that know him.

zoltan said...

Thanks the Teej!

As I understand it, the ban on marriage between first cousins is to prevent creating the aforementioned lobster claw babies. So there's some public health/policy rationale. The ban on same-sex marriage is simply a religious rationale, which is to say it's homophobia.

A same-sex couple cannot conceive (ask the health teacher at your school if you don't understand why), so there's no public health/policy rationale to prevent a same-sex first-cousin marriage.

zoltan said...

Oh... and thus a marriage between a man and woman who are first cousins is more repellant than a same-sex first-cousin marriage.

TJ said...

Didn't Jerry Lee Lewis also marry his cousin? His 14 year old cousin?

Dave said...

okay, but then what about geriatric twin brothers tongue kissing? what is your stance on that phenomenon?

rob said...

but z-man, same sex marriage undermines the sanctity of heterosexual marriage.

zoltan said...

Geriatric twin brothers can do whatever they want so long as they don't make any lobster claw babies, perhaps by splitting/budding like the amoebae in your video. We need more of those videos, by the way.

zoltan said...

rob, you're right. I got divorced soon after moving to a state that allowed same-sex marriage; this surely explains my situation.

rob said...

ipso facto, z-man. ipso fucking facto.

zoltan said...

Res ipsa loquitor!

Shlara said...

I'm reading these comments at Au Bon Pain while I wait for my sandwich and laughing a lot. The APB staff thinks I'm crazy and is giving me weird looks.

You guys are funny.

Mark said...

Shlara, tell them you're reading about babies with lobster claw hands. They'll understand. That's one joke that's a hit with every demographic.

TJ said...

While listening to "Rock Lobster" on your iPod.

zoltan said...

And making out with KQ.

Who said that?! That's totally inappropriate! We don't tolerate that here at G:TB!

TR said...

The Teej just put that piss-poor song in my head. Damn him.

Mark said...

That song's constantly running in my head, courtesy of my older sister who played the ever living fuck out of it during my early childhood.

TJ said...

I blame Peter Griffin.

zoltan said...

Whenever I try to remember what "Rock Lobster" sounds like I hear "Gone Daddy Gone." But obviously that isn't right.

Mark said...

You may not love Stephen Jackson (I don't understand how someone couldn't love somebody who got prayer hands holding a pistol tattooed on his stomach but that's another story) but you have to admire his sense of how he's perceived by the public. Want proof? Here's his comment on Gilbert's current situation:

"Even I wouldn't bring a gun to the arena". Tell 'em Captain Jack.

rob said...

awl to stephen jackson.

TJ said...

He also would not bring a knife to a gun fight.

rob said...

remember we've got tribe @ drexel tomorrow at 4. no cousin banging, but a tough one for the tribe and the end of a 5 roadies in 6 games stretch. this might be the game they finally lose by double digits.

zoltan said...

Regarding my "best cheap red wine on God's green earth comment" of last night: woke up with a raging headache, so I'll have to tone down that endorsement. But if you want to try it, you should join the Zagat wine club using their $69 introductory offer. You get 12 bottles of wine and a very fratty receipt.

Mark said...

Reports are that Pete Carroll is heading to the Seahawks. Methinks Pete can smell NCAA sanctions on the horizon.

rob said...

yup. and the piles and piles of crisp new benjamins seattle's throwing at him.

zoltan said...

Did they ever get the Reggie Bush situation resolved?

Mark said...

His appeal to have the court records of the upcoming mediation or trial (can't remember)sealed was recently denied. Some things figure to come out in said records.

Shlara said...

Nice win by the Wiz tonight. Jamison, the classiest player in the League, addressed the crowd before the game and then the team went out and played hard. First win vs. the Magic in DC in years. We needed this.

Mark said...

It will be a nice memory of Jamison for Wiz fans when he's playing for the Cavs in next month.

In related news, somebody needs to give Jameer Nelson his game back. And I've officially seen enough of Vince Carter slumped over as he makes his way to the bench with another fucking injury. I miss Hedo.

TJ said...

Oh boy, we get Vitale for the noon Gtown/UConn tip...

Shlara said...

Now that college football is over, we can all concentrate on college basketball.

FYI, the cities hosting first round tourney games are:
New Orleans
Providence
San Jose
OK City
Buffalo
Jacksonville
Milwaukee
Spokane

zoltan said...

And when you said "cities," you meant "quote-unquote cities" right?

zoltan said...

NO notwithstanding.

rob said...

one of these is not like the others.

rob said...

i just realized that i'll be at my cousin's wedding in salt lake city march 18-21 - the first weekend of the ncaa tourney. i'm torn in so very many ways. none of them good.

TJ said...

Mark's boy Stanley Robinson just dominated the Hoyas in the first half.

rob said...

got to hear rich chvotkin's call of the hoya game. that was fun. at least 6 'hoyas win' calls.

zoltan said...

Is your cousin marrying another cousin? You can do that in Utah apparently.

mayhugh said...

Since Kickoff there have been 3 commercial breaks. 59 seconds of game time have gone by. This is unacceptable.

mayhugh said...

And... another break. This is infuriating.

And Joe Gibbs should not be commenting on challenges, since he didn't know what they were for when he coached.

Whitney said...

Wow. Footage of Theismann's 1-yard punt. Theismann's ego has lost some of its overinflation over the years and he accepted it rather gracefully. Between that and the replays of his broken leg during MNF this season, Joey T is taking a beating of late.

Whitney said...

Bengals out of challenges in the 1st qtr. Very Gibbs2.0esque.

Whitney said...

Braylon Edwards, the d-back in a WR's jersey. Terrible.

Whitney said...

Roster spots aren't as precious in the NFL as in other sports, but doesn't it seem like at least one team would consider merging the placekicker and punter positions like this?

Whitney said...

Songs The Who will not play at halftime of the Super Bowl: "Bargain"

Shlara said...

43-30 Tribe with 11 min left.
wish this was on TV

zoltan said...

Why is "Laveranues" pronounced La-ver-ne-us?

Whitney said...

Why is Taliaferro pronounced "Tolliver"? People have been doing crap like that since the 1600's.

Whitney said...

Awesome pick by Revis. Wow, would the Skins' CB's have done something hideously different.

Whitney said...

Settle down, Revis.

Shlara said...

Tribe now up by 24 with 2 mins left...

rob said...

why is feely punting?

and tribe up 20 with 3 left. didn't see that coming.

Shlara said...

73-48 Final
Go Tribe!

Whitney said...

Some Gibbs2.0esque playcalling!

rob said...

drexel beat vcu a few days ago - that's a strong win at the end of a 4 games in 7 days stretch, 3 on the road.

Whitney said...

Punter is apparently barfing. And apparently they don't need him.

Whitney said...

Maybe a question for MGL, but is Northeastern this good? They thumped Mason Thursday by 25 and sit atop the conference, right?

rob said...

tribe, mason, odu, and northeastern are all 4-1 in the league. northeastern is definitely good, though they played some stinkers in their noncon schedule.

Dan said...

who does blue horseshoe like in late game?
whit - drinkin' a hot toddy w/jameson - i suggest you help yourself...iss good..

Dan said...

and on the subject of theeesman's 1-yd punt replay...i can't imagine him not being pissed about it. between commercial breaks, he was in a producer's face for sure.

Marlin said...

Tom Hammond is a cock monkey. Why is the Notre Dame super shill calling this jet game.

Dan said...

it's an nbc thing...i always get the sense that hammond would love to be doing something other than announcing the event he's assigned to. hammond was on the post during most if not all of the phelps medals in beijing.

Dan said...

angie harmon...hi. i'm dan.

Whitney said...

A nice call, Danny Boy. I might go with the Irish coffee. The heat in my place just came back on after 24 frigid hours without. Time to get doubly warm.

And nice use of Springsteen after the Benson TD, NBC. Although the theme from "Benson" woulda been better.

Dan said...

rob...make that "phelps' medals"

Dan said...

i wonder what's going through leinart's mind right now

Marlin said...

Cock Monkey.

Whitney said...

Bad challenges, conservative/stupid playcalling, and missed FG's. Joe Gibbs has to be wondering why his teams in the 90's never got to the playoffs with just such a formula.

Dan said...

a very audible "fuck" from angel cabrera...with an accent of course

Whitney said...

Fans getting ugly in Cincy. Might need Sam Wyche on the PA soon.

Dan said...

kosar bankrupt...owes about 9m more than he has. seeing him on 30/30 the U...i didn't recognize him - he was wacked.

zoltan said...

I wish my parents named me Macho.

Whitney said...

I can't express how much I'd like to see the Cowboys need Shaun Suisham to kick a 52 yd FG with the game on the line. Please?

rob said...

just got back from school skate night at the local ice rink. skating is not like riding a bike. anything noteworthy about the second half of the jets game?

Whitney said...

Predictably, the nerdy W&M alum defensive coordinator is being too clever and overestimating the brainpower of his SEC and Big XII "grads". Could mean the end of his tenure in a lowbrow town like Philly.

Whitney said...

. . . wow, my last comment sounded UVA snooty. My only point was that my fellow Tribesman seems to be outclevering himself.

Oh, and that Philly sucks.

Whitney said...

Rob, all you really need to know is that Shayne Graham went all Ali Haji-Shankh and missed 2 figgies that you could kick pretty easily. Game ruiners for the Bangles.

TR will have more mustache-friendly Jets commentary once the buzz wears off.

Whitney said...

Whom does Dallas play next week, or does it depend on tomorrow? Are they the 3 or 4 seed?

rob said...

this is the 3-6 game, so dallas would go to minny

Whitney said...

So I'm rooting for Favre next week. Sweet.

rob said...

i really don't like this, but dallas looks tough as shit right now. let's hope your suisham wish comes true at some point this postseason. a sports calendar with yankee, laker, and cowboy championships is a sure sign of the end of days.

zoltan said...

Watching GW Bush high-five Jery Jones made me throw up a little bit in my mouth.

zoltan said...

And I suspect that Desean Jackson is a raging asshole.

Mark said...

I agree on Desean Jackson. McNabb strikes me as a douche too. Did anybody see his act in the tunnel on the way out to the field tonight?

Dick.

rob said...

roy williams sucks a lot

Whitney said...

I'm gonna use some Mark words and say I fucking hate the fucking Cowboys and the thought of them winning the Super Bowl after the Yanks WS is bile in my throat. But i need to bright-side it and think pleasant thoughts . . . like the thought of millions of Philly fans breaking shit, getting in fights, and furiously calling for the ends of the respective tenures of Messieurs Reid, McNabb, etc. Brings a smile.

zoltan said...

I saw McNabb's pre-game douchebaggery. But I don't want to see Wade Phillips get off the schneid.

rob said...

another in a season of firsts: the wapo bracketology guy released his first projection this morning. he has the tribe as the 10th seed in the syracuse region, facing california in the first round. apply grains of salt liberally.

Whitney said...

How many years does replay have to be in effect before teams begin to use it properly on a consistent basis? If the Pats get back in this, it's because Bal'mer didn't challenge. Dummies.

rob said...

anyone see the sanchize's postgame presser comments re: pete carroll? the kid brought some funny.

mayhugh said...

It's a good thing for the Ravens that the Patriots don't have much interest in winning the game.

Cue Simmons article where he declares the Patriots dynasty/era officially dead.

zoltan said...

Tomorrow on WEEI:

Jawn, in the cah, from Mehfuh!

Tawm Bwady's gawt no haaaaht! And he's too busy carrying Gisel's pock-a-book to wuhk hahd at we-habbing his knee. We shooda kept Cahssel! We went 11-5 lahst ye-uh with Cahssel, we wuh only 10-6 this ye-uh with Bwady! Cahssel's bedduh!

Marlin said...

Worst wild card weekend evah.

TR said...

The Pats' bed-shitting is a tremendous turn of events for Jets fans. It will be a long trip to Cali to face a hot Chargers team, but I'll take my team's chances against Norv, instead of against Peyton, although we have lost to SD twice in the playoffs in the aughts. And I like that it will be the late game on Sunday. Give them the extra day of rest that they will need.

If Jets and Ravens make it to the championship game, the Jets will host. It's a pipe dream, but a dream nonetheless.

TR said...

And one more comment: Ray Fucking Rice. He stacks up pretty favorably to the guys drafted ahead of him.

Jonathan Stewart - 13
Felix Jones - 22
Rashard Mendenhall - 23
Chris Johnson - 24
Matt Forte - 44
Ray Rice - 55

Too bad he has such terrible TD celebration dances.

zoltan said...

Ray Rice is the tits.

zoltan said...

I can't imagine what an unexpected extra "last" game at the Meadowlands would be like. Probably really friggin' cold.

TR said...

The game would be no later than 4:30 PM, so it's likely the temp would be higher than 7, like it was for the night game.

If that does happen, a half pint of bourbon in the sock would be a moral imperative.

rob said...

excellent, another one of these games

zoltan said...

Ahman Green is alive!

Marlin said...

Ahhhhhh, the suckitude of these games continues. I'm off to CBS to see if the game with the round ball and the hoop can live up to its billing.

rob said...

someone in the nfl home office made a call to larry fitzgerald

Marlin said...

Rex Ryan has tits.

rob said...

tennessee is giving kansas a go - thanks to marlin for reminding me it was on.

Marlin said...

This has been a hell of a game. Has a late season feel to it too.

Marlin said...

My pleasure Bobert. Not only am I producer for Z-Man and the Teej, I am also program director and driver of the Winnebago.

mayhugh said...

Packers are trying to stick it to you by making this a game, Marls.

Cards 31, pack 24
Rodgers = good

Marlin said...

I'll be back as soon as things are done in Knoxville.

Marlin said...

Great win for the Vols.

Mark said...

Tennesse-Kansas has been terrific. Big time performance by the cousin bangers. Huge shot by the walk-on to , maybe, seal it.

And maybe Aaron Rodgers and Kurt Warner can save Wild Card Weekend after all.

zoltan said...

Gmarls Barkley?

I feel like Aaron Rodgers will be Dan Fouts v.2.0.

Marlin said...

Ok, back to Glendale.

Beanie says FU Jamboni.

zoltan said...

Fitzgerald is rude.

zoltan said...

First he cleaned Woodson's clock, then a one handed catch.

Mark said...

The Pack don't seem to be going anywhere.

mayhugh said...

Wow, a punt. This is new.

mayhugh said...

This game is like the reverse of Cowboys-Eagles. I can't root against any of these guys.

Mark said...

This is quite an entertaining football contest. And my heat's on...again. I thought I lived in Florida?

mayhugh said...

Z-man's Bills (Of the very short Frank Reich era) get mention as the biggest comeback in playoff history in 1993.

zoltan said...

How did this get tied up? I just got back from the laundry room.

mayhugh said...

I saw it was 31 in Jacksonville last night. How low did it get where you are? And apparently there will be no oranges or strawberries for anyone...

mayhugh said...

Packers played defense one series, and got an onside kick recovery on another. Aside from that it's been a lot of 25-30 passes.

mayhugh said...

25-30 "yard" passes - the secondary of each team has seen better performances.

mayhugh said...

Jesus, that was a good pass to Breston. Kurt Warner is my favorite religious quarterback ever.

zoltan said...

Thanks.

Mark said...

When Warner's on, his accuracy is fucking amazing.

zoltan said...

You like his passion for the Christ more than Brunell's?

Mark said...

It got down to about 35. It hasn't been the extreme lows but the length of the cold snap. It hasn't gotten above 50 for 8 of the last 9 days. I realize this is nothing up north but it's a major rarity here. I hadn't used my heat in 3 years in my house. I've used it four times in the last 6 days.

Pack better march down and score here. That's what this game has been building to and that's what I want, dammit.

rob said...

the strawberry famine has significant implications in my house. can't you people keep a field warm, mark? field, patch, whatever.

rob said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
zoltan said...

I know people in FL who don't actually have a heating system in their house.

mayhugh said...

If this goes to overtime they should just abruptly change the OT rules to the college format before the coin toss.

Marlin said...

Jennings...OMG

mayhugh said...

I'm not going to express any northern snootiness when it comes to the temperature. People live where they live at least partially because of it. As I see it, the weather isn't holding up its end of the bargain and you have a right to complain. If a hurricane hit in my neighborhood I'd be a little peeved.

zoltan said...

It seems like the league is full of really good WR right now, more so than say 10 years ago.

mayhugh said...

Was that actually a catch? That was sick.

I love the Aaron Rodgers "I got knocked 10 steps backwards and am falling down but I'm not taking my eyes off the football as it's in the air" move.

mayhugh said...

I don't feel good about the pack scoring with anything more than 40 seconds left on the clock.

Marlin said...

Good football is fun.

zoltan said...

I have a man-crush on Havner. He was a great waiver-wire pickup for me. He had something like 7 receptions for 6 TD.

Whitney said...

Mayhugh was right. Too much time on the clock. (A Styx B-side.)

Mark said...

So much fun to watch.

zoltan said...

Dwarf RB seem to be en vogue.

mayhugh said...

Do not leave this up to Rackers.

Mark said...

Sorry, Rob. All the strawberries are grown on the west side of the state. I'm strictly east coast.

zoltan said...

Terrible tackling.

zoltan said...

amazing!!

zoltan said...

Norwoodesque.

Mark said...

Score one for Mayhugh. That was TURRIBLE.

Whitney said...

Laces out, Dan.

Marlin said...

Good snap by the tribe long snapper. Shitty kick.

This is great.

Marlin said...

I hate those bags.

Mark said...

WOW. That's one way to end it.

Marlin said...

That Rogers guy sucks.

zoltan said...

Jerheme Urban is white?

Whitney said...

Replays show that was both a blow to the head of the QB and a facemask. Glad I'm not a Packers fan, I'd be incensed. And probably much colder, ironically.

rob said...

my adventures in dvr incompetence continued this evening. i paused the game while i put the kids to bed, came back and watched the first few plays of overtime, at which point the simpsons abruptly took over. i'm awash in dipshittery.

rob said...

i'm enjoying this simpsons doc, but i could've done without morgan spurlock in a backwards speedo.