Thursday, January 07, 2010

National Championship Preview

I've felt like dogshit for the past week or so, alternating achy fevers with nasal congestion and throat soreness. On top of that, I've got a new role here at Spacely Sprockets, so I've been busier than usual pretending to work. As a result, I haven't placed nearly enough emphasis on generating a working hatred of the University of Texas.

Colt McCoy seems like a nice enough kid. Mack Brown's almost certainly doing unspeakable things to Bevo when people aren't watching, but his public persona is inoffensively bland. Earl Thomas is a little guy who can ball. Will Muschamp's my kind of crazy. Despite his fairly despicable bedroom pecadillos, Jordan Shipley's basically the all-American boy next door. Austin's a great town - killer food, sick music, just enough harmless freaky-freakies to make it interesting without being creepy. In short, not much to get exercised about.

Not much, that is, until Mayhugh (and then Deadspin) gave us this little bit of Longhorn propaganda:

Look here, you goof-buckled misogynist ten-gallon asshats. I've got a wife. And daughters. And a mother, a sister, aunts, nieces, and a pair of grandmothers. Not to mention the lovely distaff Friends of G:TB. I will not sit idly by while you besmirch their good nature and God-given reproductive systems (to be fair for a moment, what the heck was the Good Lord thinking?). May the white hot fury of a million screaming redneck women in houndstooth hats rain down upon Texas this evening and leave young McCoy wishing to the Almighty above that he could dance another round with Ndamukong Suh, because Suh's menace is nothing compared to that of a fired up Alabama girl. May the burnt orange supporters shame the memory of the Alamo as the red-running river symbolized by Mark Ingram chases them from the Rose Bowl in abject terror. May Greg McElroy be the bigger Mc (and he'll need to be, as Texas' 2nd-ranked rush defense isn't a joke). May the Longhorn faithful rue the day they so vilely offended the good women of the South.

And may Terrence Cody have mercy on their souls.

160 comments:

rob said...

as you might imagine, teejay didn't post this. but thanks to him for his technical support.

TJ said...

Yes.

zoltan said...

Yeah, it doesn't read like something that sprang forth from DJ Toil's brow.

And I've never experienced, nor heard of someone who has experienced, a "crimson tide." Crimson, yes, but nothing rising to the level of a tide. It takes quite a lot of ebb and flow to make a tide.

Mark said...

I think I'm finally excited for tonight's game. Sadly, I think I'm going to be disappointed. Texas has not impressed me much this year. Bama has, but they've done so on an inconsistent basis. I'll be the first:

Bama 27 Texas 16

rob said...

i can't make a prediction. too many days off for both teams. too close to the situation. and last time texas was an underdog in a title game...you know.

Mark said...

Understandable from you, Rob.

IMO, that Texas team had many more playmakers on offense. The "time off" excuse is one I choose to ignore as both teams are equally stagnant.

To be honest, I'm torn. I have my SEC allegiances pulling me toward Bama but my hate for Saban and fear of a growing juggernaut in Tuscaloosa are pushing me toward Texas. When it comes down to it, I just think Bama is a better, more complete team. And I think, outside of Muschamp, that Bama's coaches are far superior schematically.

rob said...

at this point, with the cold medicine and fever and the getting old, i'm gonna be really excited if i'm able to stay awake until the game ends.

Dan said...

blue horseshoe likes tide by bunches

mayhugh said...

Texas 27 - Bama 19

I think Bama has the better team, but I feel like they're going to get surprised by Texas' intensity early. Part of me thinks Alabama can't possibly be as prepared for Texas as they were for Florida. And if McElroy has to put the game in his hands, I don't trust him to hold it together.

TR said...

I like Bama huge. The team is balanced and effective at all facets. Texas will be exposed on offense. 34-13.

rob said...

this is some maudlin pregame shit. cripes, let's play some ball.

rob said...

jeeeeeesus. start the game, already.

rob said...

flea is accompanying josh groban on the national anthem. wrap your mind grapes around that, sports fans.

Shlara said...

Flea & Josh Grobin...really???

rob said...

they both go to the same church.

Dennis said...

Um hi flea! R u playing what u think u r playing?

rob said...

ingram stoned. that should help mark and teejay decide who to root for.

rob said...

but mcelroy's drunk, so it should be an interesting evening.

rob said...

what the holy hot fuck is happening here? saban's coaching like a scared autistic kid.

rob said...

i can't believe how quickly zorn found work.

TR said...

I can't believe Mack Brown left Colt so exposed. No McCoy = No McChance.

mayhugh said...

He'll be back. He's just pulling a Haynesworth.

rob said...

jesus.

TR said...

Rob - Your Tide is verrrrrry lucky to only be down 6-0. I see a big ol' Tide drive in the works...

rob said...

i'd settle for a first down after that initial series. this game has a weird, weird vibe.

rob said...

alabama's o-line realizes the guys in white are trying to hurt their quarterback, right?

rob said...

as gawdafully as alabama played for most of that first quarter, down 6-0 is a gift.

rob said...

throw the fucking ball away, mcelroy.

rob said...

huuuuge.

Mark said...

I've been saying it all year but it bears repeating: Trent Richardson is a fucking monster. Way to go Bama...asshole.

Mark said...

Somebody needs to do something about the band-aid/doo-rag combo he has working though.

Geoff said...

Denise...in the Taco Bell ad...kind of fires me up.

Mark said...

I just got home from my basketball game, from what I've read it sounds as if Bama either came out flat or just had a terrible early gameplan. Anybody want to let me know which?

Mark said...

Me too Geoff, me too.

Mark said...

So...is McCoy really out for the game?

Geoff said...

The game...she is over.

You're welcome tiny.

rob said...

both of those things, and saban lost his mind and went for a fake punt on 4th and 23.

rob said...

and after that, mark, bama failed to cover a pooch kickoff which texas recovered.

and i'm ignoring you, geoff.

rob said...

and mcelroy got sacked on his first 4 pass attempts.

Mark said...

The Texas run D looks less than stout right now. They are getting walled off by the Bama O-Line.

Mark said...

Okay...now what's the deal with McCoy?

TJ said...

And Javier Arenas shot the punter "Last Boy Scout"-style.

Mark said...

By the way, holy fucking wow on Saban going for a fake punt on 4th and 23.

rob said...

mccoy took a shot in the back of his shoulder on an option run. didn't look like a lot at the time, but he got nailed with a helmet.

Mark said...

Earl Thomas is mini-monster. Reggie Nelsonesque.

rob said...

no need whatsoever for bama to throw downfield right now. i don't like that playcalling.

Mark said...

Look all those gays on Bama falling all over each other.

Settle down Geoff.

Geoff said...

McCoy hurt his shoulder on what appeared to be a run of the mill hit on a run up the middle. He went in for x-rays...and no word since.

rob said...

mccoy setting up a willis reed-esque return in the second half.

Mark said...

Couldn't agree more Rob. That deep throw looked like a pre-determined one man route. When you're running like Bama was...why even bother with a call like that?

Mark said...

Thanks...to Lisa Salters.

Mark said...

I guess that's decent field position.

Mark said...

Bama seems able to run left at will.

Geoff said...

The shot of a despondent Gilbert sitting next to some dude sending a text message sums this game up nicely.

rob said...

alright

Mark said...

My guess on the text message:

This white boy sux. You pick up those trees?

TJ said...

Colt McCoy will be giving the Jon Moxon speech at halftime, with Shipley in the role of Tweeter.

Mark said...

No, Shipley will be on Twitter.

rob said...

holy shit

Mark said...

Why in the holy fuck would you run a shovel pass there. Take a fucking knee.

Geoff said...

Trees is a common colloquialisms for marijuana, Rob.

O.V.E.R.

Geoff said...

Gilbert tackles as well as he quarterbacks.

rob said...

that's flabbergasting. the play, not the pot-slang.

Mark said...

I would really love to hear the reasoning behind a shovel pass there. Taking a knee is the only option as far as I'm concerned. BUT, if you're not going to do that, throw a bubble screen, chuck one deep...something. Not a fucking shovel pass.

Mark said...

This has a shot at being the worst BCS Championship game since Miami-Nebraska circa 2000.

Geoff said...

I would take Mack's comment that it's "just a shoulder" to mean he thinks Colt is a pussy.

Geoff said...

Who would you guys rather do--Lisa Salters or Tom Rinaldi? I'm leaning Salters.

Mark said...

I know nobody wants to hear this, but I wish Florida could get another shot at Bama.

IMO, they're still clearly the second best team in the country and played one of their worst games in the last two years in the SEC CG. Not taking anything away from Bama, just saying I'd like to see Bama and Florida go at it again with Florida having had their mindset readjusted by what happened in Atlanta.

TJ said...

But Geoff, you would really cherish the golf pillow talk with Rinaldi.

Mark said...

Lisa Salters or Pam Oliver in her prime?

Mark said...

The Bette Midler version? This halftime show was made for Geoff.

rob said...

corso was clearly drinking during the first half, no?

Jerry said...

Poooooop.

Geoff said...

Rinaldi is a strong dresser as well. Its a tough call.

As to the halftime show, I'm watching the Jimmy the Greek documentary.

TJ said...

Sadly rob, that's how poor Lee has sounded all year. It's still only 1/1000 as tragic as when they wheeled Dick Clark out a few years back on NYE

Geoff said...

If Corso and Desmond were talking football in my living room, I'd go down to the basement.

rob said...

oh yeah, mark. forgot to mention that saban ran the fake punt on 4th and 23 shortly after taking the ball after winning the toss rather than deferring with the nation's best defense.

Geoff said...

Yeah, Corso's been really off all year. He needs to be talked into retiring.

TR said...

If you're an ass man, nothing this side of Kardashian holds up to the massive pedonkadonk Pam Oliver rocks below the camera-line.

Mack Brown trying to defend the shovel pass was comical. And I think Colt is being a p*ssy to save his shoulder for the NFL.

rob said...

can anyone remember a time when they saw an ad for a college during a ballgame and said, 'that's a good ad'?

TR said...

Did Zorn really get hired?

Jerry said...

At halftime I'm watching last night's Lakers-Clippers game. And it might be better than the 2nd half of the football game.

Texas should give Gilbert 1 more series and then put a WR at QB and go to a full blown wildcat.

rob said...

that was a saban=zorn joke, tr. sorry to alarm you.

Jerry said...

This one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVENWl8uBeg

Geoff said...

Zorn's out back putting a fresh coat of wax on my truck before I take it up to the lake with Elisabeth Shue this weekend.

rob said...

i stand corrected, jerry. thank you.

rob said...

lea thompson?

TJ said...

Don't you mean Lea Thompson?

Jerry said...

I think he meant Lea Thompson.

rob said...

she fucked a duck, y'know.

Jerry said...

That App State commercial actually has a wikipedia page, which contains this gem

"The extensive use of puffery and the retro juxtaposition of music and PowerPoint style still imagery claiming that the school is "hot hot hot" inadvertently play into the stereotype that people from Appalachia are unsophisticated and out of touch."

Geoff said...

I don't mean Lea Thompson. She played Marty's mom. Shue played Jennifer, his girlfriend, in the second movie. Some random chick player her in the first. Don't fuck with me on this shit.

rob said...

she did not fuck a duck.

rob said...

yeah, it's probably not time to slack off just yet, tide.

Geoff said...

Though she did fuck Nic Cage...I think...though I can't imagine how his character could have gotten it up in that movie.

Mark said...

"While they take care of the idiot." TJ's at the Rose Bowl?

rob said...

dammit. beat me to that joke.

Geoff said...

Heh...heh...TJ's an idiot.

Jerry said...

I'd really like to see Rolondo "The Sunday Dandy" McClain starting for the Giants next year.

Mark said...

He'll never last that long in the draft. Nice to dream though.

Geoff said...

McCoy is just teasing the Longhorn fans now. Pads on, walking towards the huddle...maybe he'll play? Maybe not.

TJ said...

It's why the Appy St ad speaks to me.

Mark said...

If Texas had just one other difference maker at a skill position their offense would be something to reckon with. It's just too easy to put all your focus on Shipley and dare someone else to be consistently good.

rob said...

dad sure was quick to build the legend of colt. begging the coaches to get back in. if he was actually doing that, he'd be back in.

Mark said...

Interesting report. So the shoulder injury isn't serious but nobody will let McCoy play? Hmmm.

rob said...

jesus, but mcelroy has no ability to get out of a sack.

Mark said...

I have a buddy who's an S&C coach. Just texted me the same thing that Rob said and I intimated.

Bull. Shit.

Mark said...

Yeah, watching McElroy play tonight angers me.

rob said...

man, if you're not an alabama fan, this is just a dreadful game to watch.

rob said...

well looky here

rob said...

put the gatorade jug down, dummies, and finish this.

TJ said...

Wow.

Mark said...

The WR embellished it but that's PI right there.

rob said...

saban's really lucky about how this game is going down, because his coaching staff has had an abysmal outing.

Mark said...

Yes. The gameplanning and execution aren't anywhere near the level we saw in the SEC CG.

Mark said...

Which is surprising. Saban can coach his child-raping ass off.

rob said...

and they've managed to completely take the air out of the team.

rob said...

i don't think that was remotely catchable, but okay.

Mark said...

Bad, bad call.

Mark said...

The fix is in.

Mark said...

It doesn't appear Bama can get a first down, sans penalty.

Mark said...

Interesting decision. Big miss.

rob said...

now i'm gonna question the decision to kick a 52-yard fg.

rob said...

make it and it's a 2-touchdown game. i get that. but it's got to be a low percentage play. if you don't want to punt, run on 3rd down and go for it on 4th.

Mark said...

I'm incapable of liking anyone who wears sunglasses indoors and/or at night.

Mark said...

That TD before half looms pretty fucking large right now.

rob said...

maybe a little pressure on the kid would be effective, hmmm?

rob said...

alabama's just trying to hang on until the clock expires. i don't like it at all.

rob said...

not at all.

Mark said...

Holymotherfuckingshit!

Maybe all Texas needs is McCoy.

Mark said...

So...yeah. How many people turned this thing off and went to bed?

rob said...

this third down is the game.

Mark said...

William Muschamp can coordinate.

Mark said...

Not quite. This is still an inexperienced freshman QB taking the field right now.

rob said...

yes! huge.

Mark said...

Herbie with the jinx.

rob said...

end. this.

zoltan said...

I wouldn't date Sammi Sweetheart for all the tea in China.

Is there any college football on tonight?

zoltan said...

I caught the ABC kiss of death re: no sacks tonight.

rob said...

fuuuuuuuck yes!

zoltan said...

So ... Mark Ingram Sr. is in jail? Is he the same Mark Ingram that was on the SB XXV Giants team?

Mark said...

I'm not sure Z, it's been a pretty undereported story.

zoltan said...

I'm serious. I don't pay attention to college football. Northeastern liberal elite and all that.

rob said...

alright alright alright

saban breathing a huge sigh of relief. not at all his finest hour.

rob said...

sure, why not.

zoltan said...

I tuned in right before the sack and fumble by McCoy, after watching Jersey Shore. The Z-people discovered the best cheap red wine on God's green earth and drank a bunch of it.

And that seals it for Bama. Enjoy, roberto.

rob said...

ohh, upside the head.

rob said...

gonna share the name of this red wine, z?

zoltan said...

First: Bama has a Rhodes Scholar? Really?!?

zoltan said...

Second: Il Papavero Primative Puglia 2008. It's like butter.

zoltan said...

And by "Primative" I mean "Primativa"

zoltan said...

Colt McCoy has a passion for the Christ.

Mark said...

Z: It wasn't McCoy who fumbled. he went out mid-first half with a shoulder injury. And yes, that is Mark Ingram's (the former Giants WR) son.

zoltan said...

Organ-EYE-zation.

zoltan said...

Mark: I just checked out the ESPN box score. Who the fuck is G. Gilbert and why the fuck did he throw 4 picks?

zoltan said...

And why the fuck is Mark Ingram in jail?

zoltan said...

Sick mustache!

Mark said...

McCoy's backup, Garrett Gilbert. He threw two in the very late going. He actually got hot and led Texas back into the game (24-21 with 3 minutes left) and accounted for himself pretty well for a true freshman thrown into the fire.

Ingram's in jail for mail and wire fraud, I believe.

Mark said...

Scratch that. Bank fraud and money laundering.

Michael said...

In other gambling news, I would really like to have some words with coach saban about that last touchdown. he killed the nice little tease that I would have won by a point if he had just run out the clock.