Wednesday, January 06, 2010

The One About the Fat Guy and The Skinny Guy at Giants Stadium

As most of you have heard by now, the Z-Man and I road-tripped to the (likely) final NFL game that the New York Jets played at Giants Stadium in New Jersey. The game started at 8:20 PM so they cut off alcohol sales, which is an indirect way of telling the fans to get hammered before heading in to the stadium. They followed those orders. Also, the weather was about zero, with 30+ mph gusts. So it was an interesting night. Here are some low-quality photos commemorating the magical evening:

For no good reason, I decided to trim the two-week old goatee into a mustache for the night. Seemed apt for the final Jets game in the old stadium. Needless to say, I fit right in. The only question about it came from the season-ticket holders next to us, an older guy named Ralph who goes to the games with his son Ralph. Classic guys. They've had tickets for 25 years, but will be stuck in worse seats in the new stadium because they won't swing the PSL fee.

This is me and the Z-Man doing our best Laurel and Hardy impersonation. I'll leave it up to you to figure out who is who. As you might have guessed (and hoped), my diet started Monday. It is going swimmingly. We stood next to each other while tailgating because the wind was howling and making my johnson react like a frightened tortoise. The layers needed to stay warm made bathroom trips tough. When we went in to take a tinkle, one guy in front of us yelled out "Oh my God! I can't find it!" when he was at a urinal. Everybody laughed. Nobody helped him find it.

Of course, no Jet game is complete without the foot-long they sell right by our seats at Gate B. For $7.50 (with unlimited toppings!), it is a much better value proposition than the crappy little hot dogs for $5. I usually load my dog with chili, cheese and jalapenos. One week, it mixed in unpleasantly with the 8 yellow beers in my belly and made bad odors and bad other things happen over the next 24 hours. I decided to go easy this night, with just a pint of melted cheese and some kraut.

These were the free gifts to the first 70,000 fans who entered. 1,000 too many in my book. Naturally, they were sponsored by Waste Management. Z-Man pointed out that funny point while I was busy licking dollops of cheese off of my mittens and wondering how long it would take the Bengals to have more than zero passing yards (Answer: halfway through the third quarter).

This is the field view from Section 316, Row 20. That is a towel, not a smoking spliff, in the picture. The crowd was pumped for the Star Spangled Banner, almost as pumped as they were about heaving half-full cans of beer at anybody in a Bengals jersey. Given the logistical challenges of smuggling a beer into a stadium that's not serving booze, why would you do that? Wouldn't you want to savor the spoils from your actions? Do you hate Dan Wilkinson fans that much?

This is the plane hat worn by the guy in front of us. I'd never seen him in the seat before this game. He ranked as the all-time best kind of guy you can have around at a game. He was a big fan of high-fiving strangers (one of my sneaky favorite things about live sporting events), he was totally sober and he LOVED to dance to every single song they played. Doesn't matter if it was Ram Jam's Black Betty or an old techno tune. He was standing, his arms were awkwardly waving over his head and he was smiling. Funny harmless big guys are always good times at sporting events.

This terrible shot is of the halftime presentation, when they brought out players to commemorate each of the 26 seasons in Giants Stadium. Vinny Time and Wayne Chrebet got the biggest ovations because they are Italian or from Long Island or both. And because many Long Island Jets fans are racist. Bummer for Jerald Sowell and Erik McMillan.

Other items of note: Mark Gastineau did a version of his sack dance when introduced, Leon Washington got the crowd fired up when he came in last on crutches to represent this year's team, and Marty Lyons gave an impassioned, (likely alcohol-induced) pep-talk to the fans, telling them that in the second half, they needed to help the team tear this building down. Good call on inciting a riot, Marty.

This is another shot of the intrepid adventurers. I think this photo was taken as Greg Buttle was introduced. Or Kyle Clifton. All I know is that Curtis Martin was nowhere to be found. I wish he was there. In this outfit. And no Lance Mehl, Boomer Esiason, Mickey Shuler, Johnny Hector or Keyshawn Johnson either.

And I couldn't call it a night without a photo of this guy. I saw him walking in the next section over and had to run after him to get the shot. A woman next to me laughed when I took it, because her boyfriend had done the same thing earlier that night. Good to know that a joke about wiping a feces-smeared penis on a girl's face is universally known.

88 comments:

Dave said...

best post ever. the pictures helped me understand what all the squiggly lettery things meant.

this has inspired me to write a post with my own pictures in it. expect it in three to four years.

Marlin said...

The photos make this look like a homosexual version of the Blair Witch Project...set in the swamps of Jersey.

TJ said...

Take a wild guess which photo is the one TR emailed me Sunday night with the subject line "Ghey"?

TJ said...

Sounds like Marlin's answer will be "all of them".

zoltan said...

Where's the photo of me rubbing TR's nipples through 6 layers of clothing?

rob said...

good news - the w&m athletic department now streams home games via the web. for the low, low price of $8.

http://ow.ly/Tin6

in other news, tribe @ delaware this evening. we'll see what the good guys are made of against a not-very-good hens squad.

zoltan said...

I don't think any coach won a SB with two different teams. Right? And you've probably read Simmons' theory on coaches over 55. So why would anyone hire an old coach who already has a ring?

Whitney said...

There had never been any African-American coaches or any coaches named Tony who won the Super Bowl when the Colts hired Dungy.

There are only 26 Super Bowl-winning coaches; small sample size, and there's a fine line between a hypothesis on what it takes to win one and merely detecting a happenstance pattern among a fairly limited group of individuals.

As trends go, you're best off hiring a Bill or a Mike if you want to win a Super Bowl. 4 Bills have won, and 4 Mikes. We just got ourselves a Mike! (Of course, it helps that he was one of the four.)

Oh, but no Buffalo Bills have won. Sorry, Z-man.

Marlin said...

But the have been several guys to coach two different teams to Super Bowls. Sooner or later, one guy will do it. I the the over 55 thing is a much bigger problem given what is required of NFL head coaches. This will likely be a problem for Buddy Nix since his Rolodex ends in 1978. On the bright side, maybe Chuck Knoll has interest in the Bills job.

rob said...

so if shanny has final say on personnel matters, what's bruce allen's job? danny's ballwasher? that job's gone unfilled since vinny's departure.

Dave said...

how come no one's asking the important question here: what's jim zorn going to do now?

TR said...

Zorn is going to tag around Steve Largent and ask Steve to tell him stories about the good old days.

Marlin said...

I really think that the Skins hired Zorn becasue Danny thought he had a good "football name".

Can't you just see Danny spinning around in his office chair, feet not touching the ground like a 10 year old visiting his dad's office, discussing prospective head coaches with Vinny?

Danny: Vinster, what about this Zorn guy. I like that name.

Vinny: Jim Zorn? The Seahawks quarterback coach??

Danny: His resume says he was also the Offensive Coordinator at Utah State back in 1992.

Everybody says that I always just grab the first big name out there. Not anymore, I just want a name I like. Zorn, Zorn, Zorn. . . see, its fun. And when we lose, I can get all blustery and scream, "Get Zorn on the horn!" Man, this is going to be great.

TJ said...

Once Weis takes the Bears OC job, Zorn will be the Browns OC.

TR said...

You're assuming Holmgren will hire him after he cans the Mangenius.

Mangini and Mangino should sign up for next season's Biggest Loser.

Mark said...

Dick Vermeil didn't win two Super Bowls but he took two different teams to the Super Bowl. And won the Super Bowl at 63.

Somebody hire Dick.

TR said...

Parcells also fits that description. He's older and fatter than Dungy. And less God-luving too.

TR said...

By "Dungy" I mean "Vermeil". Naturally.

TJ said...

Andrew Dawson...420 votes...HOFer.

TJ said...

And waste some time here...
http://www.bcdb.com/

TR said...

The Crime Dog gets no respect. 491 steroid-free dingers ain't worth a lot these days.

Dave said...

no offense to you guys, but i wish i could hang around jim zorn and steve largent's blog for a few weeks.

Dave said...

not only did andre dawson get inducted into the hall of fame, but he's a also a member of a more prestigious club: dave's top ten montreal expos.

Whitney said...

I'm stunned Robby Alomar didn't get in, since statistically he dominated the 2B position. And of course, I smile wryly at his snubbing, what with the frustration he brought to Mets fans in 2002-3. Tough beans, sissy boy.

TJ said...

That, and he's a homophobic spitter.

TR said...

And he probably did 'roids. You know you're thinking it.

TJ said...

They all did 'roids, right?

TR said...

The Crime Dog didn't! That dude looked the same from day one. Except for the way he wore his hat, of course.

Whitney said...

Robby Alomar is homophobic? Meaning he's afraid of people who aren't quite as gay as he is?

rob said...

it's a shame bert blyleven's closet necrophilia got out.

Shlara said...

The NBA suspended Gilbert indefinitely

“his ongoing conduct has led me to conclude that he is not currently fit to take the court in an NBA game”

Don’t mess with David Stern…

Marlin said...

The NY Times on the Crime Dog and the endorsment that won't die.

http://tinyurl.com/TomEmanski

rob said...

tellingly, the wiz released a statement shortly after stern's fully supporting the commish. sayonara, hibachi.

Mark said...

Of course they did. They're going to be able at least part of that indefensibly bad contract they signed him to. This is a godsend for that franchise. The best thing that's happened to them in years. Personally, I think they should have to keep him on the books as a penalty for going forward with such a stupid signing (it wasn't even a good contract when Arenas was fully healthy) in the first place.

Also, I'm glad to see Dawson make the HOF. IMO, he deserved it. He suffered from having to play in a small (and terrible) market for years. if he spend the prime of his career in even a mid-size market (Cincy, Atlanta) he's already in the HOF. Dude was a beast. And (as of a couple years ago) he's still pretty fucking intimidating.

Mark said...

How about "They're going to be able to void at least part of that indefensibly bad contract they signed him to".

yeah, that makes a little more sense.

Mark said...

Cuse v. Memphis in 20 minutes? Consider me excited.

TJ said...

I'd like to see a strong bounceback performance after the Pitt loss...

Mark said...

It's keeps fucking getting colder down here. Supposed to be in the low 30s tonight. When did I move to Wisconsin?

rob said...

tribe going to overtime at delaware. this team is incapable of playing in blowout games.

TJ said...

Andy Rautins is Canadian?

Mark said...

Is there a gayer tattoo than a womn's lips/lipstick on your neck? Probably, but not by much.

TJ said...

Yes...it's whatever Brian Bonsall had working.

Mark said...

Are you fucking kidding me TJ? His Dad has been the coach of the Canadian National team for at least the last 5 years. Andy tore his ACL playing for Canada in the tournament of the Americas.

I'm not mad at you, just disappointed.

TJ said...

I pay about as much attention to Canadians as you do personal hygiene.

rob said...

for fuck's sake, teejay

TJ said...

By the way, let's give Jamie Dixon some credit for Pitt being 3-0 in conference play after losing virtually everyone from last year's squad.

TJ said...

rob, go back to monitoring Brusier Flint's inbounds plays...

TJ said...

"Memphis" and "shot selection"...two great tastes that do not taste great together.

TJ said...

Hold on...if I want to pay cash for my KFC I don't get to win a prize?

Mark said...

Hey fat guy! You might want to ease back a bit on impugning my personal hygiene.

And I don't pay much attention to Canucks, but I do pay attention to basketball, donkey.

TJ said...

Did you get a word of the day calendar for Christmas? It's OK, you can tell us...

Whitney said...

Tribe down 3 late in OT. After blowing another lead in the 2nd half. Wake and MD may see their SOS plummet.

TJ said...

Everyone can thank Geoffrey for this Tribe slide.

Mark said...

I forgot. I'm stupid, disgusting and I don't have a job. That about sum it up TJ?

Eat another fried cheese stick. I'm sure you're hungry.

Whitney said...

Yeah. Well, he said they needed to go 11-5. So they'll start with the 5, and then try to get the 11.

TJ said...

Actually, yeah, it's like you can read my mind.

Minus the ability to read of course.

TJ said...

So Bob Knight likes to place his bets at halftime? Is that what I'm hearing?

Mark said...

Its just as well. I need a new punching bag. And you are certainly soft enough.

rob said...

tribe's not good enough to shoot poorly and win. gonna lose again to a mediocre team. led this one by 10 in the first half. and drexel, their next opponent, is beating vcu.

Mark said...

Brandon Tiche reminds me of Lazarus Sims.

TJ said...

Keep your chin up Mark...we all still like you.

Whitney said...

Tribe down 4 with :18 to go.

but wait...

Double OT!

Mark said...

I don't care if fat nerds like me. If I did, I would've gone to college with you. Rob's cool though.

TJ said...

John Wallace and Otis Hill owe "Z" quite a bit...

Whitney said...

Or did ESPN f me again?

TJ said...

Is there a reason ESPN refuses to give us an accurate Tribe score?

rob said...

reverse jinx: successful! sort of.

Mark said...

I'd be interested to know where the starting 5 from that Cuse team are now.

If anybody knows what John Wallace, Otis Hill, Lazarus Sims, Jason Cipolla or Todd Burgan are up to these days, tell them to call G:TB HQ and tell the receptionist that the Domino's billing office needs to speak to him.

TJ said...

We fired the receptionist...this is why we need unpaid interns...

rob said...

cbs sportsline says tribe wins, 74-73.

Whitney said...

ESPN now reporting that the Tribe won, 74-73. Honestly, do they have some teenaged kid on a T-mobile cell phone who watches the game and calls scores into Bristol?

rob said...

fucking up college basketball scores. there's an app for that.

Marlin said...

Just got a text from espn telling me the tribe won. If TWL fucked me again...

rob said...

if tony shaver doesn't die of a heart attack, this team's gonna be tough game-tested come tourney time.

TJ said...

This GMAC Bowl...um, yeah...

TJ said...

Doesn't it seem pretty goofy for Tom Brady to be comeback player of the year?

rob said...

that's 4 consecutive 1-point conference games for the tribe.

bsopchak said...

Tribe won on a Schneider 3 with 2 seconds left. Came from down 7 with 20 or so to play in OT. Should have won in regulation.

rob said...

thanks, b. schneider keeps playing like this and it'll be hard to keep him off the all-caa first team.

TR said...

How long are Wojo and Chris Collins going to fester as assistant coaches? Shouldn't they be at a mid-major right now sowing their oats? I wonder if Capel would take their calls. That guy is making close to figures and Collins and Wojo are washing the reversable jerseys after scrimmages.

TJ said...

OK, so maybe this GMAC Bowl ain't so shitty after all

Whitney said...

The W&M girls had "close to figures." By the time you get close to them and removed their COLLEGE OF WILLIAM AND MARY IN VIRGINIA XXXL sweatshirts that they set up camp beneath, it's way too late to make other arrangements.

Mark said...

Johnny Dawkins waited forever on Duke's bench and ended up with his first head coaching gig being at Stanford. Pretty good model to follow, if you ask me.

rob said...

plus, wojo and collins get coach k's leftovers, which are nothing to sneeze at.

rob said...

bear grylls just gave himself an enema with fetid water in order to hydrate. i don't know what to say.

TJ said...

I do: change the channel.

Marlin said...

Rectum? Damn near killed em.

Mark said...

I was not informed that the GMAC Bowl was going to be this awesome.