Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Greasetruck Strikes Again!

For the past five years, I have been extensively researching the topic of my new song. In fact, some might say that in a more general sense I've been researching this topic for over twenty years. The song is called "Hungover Dad." It investigates the paradoxical relationship between alcohol and fatherhood: drinking is bad for you and it will eventually kill you, but if you don't drink, you will eventually kill your children. Essentially, for the good of the cause, you need to sacrifice your liver. When I drink, I am both more educational and more entertaining for my children; after a couple of beers, I can read insipid children's books until the cows come home, I can wrestle even after repeated kicks to the genitals, and I can even play an entire game of Candy Land.

A couple of warnings:

1) Most people will be able to relate to the song, but devout Muslims and Mormons may not get it.

2) The song is far more realistic than the film The Hangover. Who could learn to count cards after a night of heavy drinking?


I am proud to say that this may be the most prolific two weeks in Greasetruck history. And for those of you wondering . . . yes, there is a monologue (which I have transcribed below as a special bonus. Also, the song is two and a half minutes long, so it's nowhere near the commitment of listening to yesterday's podcast).


Hungover dad . . . feeling bad . . .
Regretting the number of drinks he had
on his night out with the boys.
Now he's on the floor assembling toys . . .

But the batteries don't fit.
And it smells like somebody took a shit.
Changing this diaper is gonna make him puke.
It's time to play Star Wars-- who's gonna be Luke?

He should have stopped after two--
after two he was feeling good.
Why'd he have to go and have six more?
He couldn't fit the key in the door.

And now his wife is shopping with all her friends,
going to the outlets to exact revenge.
There was no good reason to do those shots . . .
other than he wanted to drink a lot.

And his stomach is feeling weird,
he's got to keep the toilet near.
His head is feeling worse and worse
he's drinking lots of coffee to stay alert.

Because Ethan's licking an extension cord,
and Emily's naked cause she says she's bored.
The twins are playing catch with a dead gold fish,
and the butter is missing from the butter dish.

But the joy he got, the joy he got, the joy he got is worth a lot.
The joy he got, the joy he got, the joy he got is worth a lot.
When you are old and feeling young, it's hard to stop
when the feeling comes.
When you are old and feeling young, it's easy to be a little dumb.

But now he's got to focus until the day is done:
twelve hours more till bedtime comes.
Playing board games, making lunch
this is nothing like the Brady Bunch

He had his fun, now he'll pay.
He won't ever drink again
until next Friday.


The typical hangover consists of 14 stages:

1. When you awake and declare "I don't feel bad at all." This is because you are still drunk.

2. Nausea and dizziness.

3. I'm so thirsty, but I can't convince my legs to take me to get a glass of water.

4. Headache due to dehydration.

5. Partial recovery due to coffee.

6. The shakes and the runs. Also due to coffee.

7. Recovered memories from the night before. These are best suppressed quickly.

8. Swearing you'll never drink again. Right.

9. The dummies: you can't remember names, dates, where you put your car, etc.

10. Eating greasy food to make your stomach feel better. This is almost as stupid as the amount you drank last night.

11. You attempt to nap but can't because of all the greasy food you ate.

12. Swearing you'll never drink X again, X being the particular alcoholic beverage that caused the hangover, as in I'll never do Car Bombs again. Right.

13. Narcolepsy

14. Wondering if one beer might make you feel better, the hair of the dog. Repeat until cirrhosis.

57 comments:

TR said...

DOWNTOWN SCOTTY BROWN!

rob said...

the leadership of the democratic party is powerfully inept. they deserve everything they get over the next few months.

Marlin said...

Wubba Wubba Wubba.

TJ said...

Is this where we discuss Wizards of Waverly Place?

TJ said...

Worst. Burglar. Ever.

EASTON, Pa. (AP) - An eastern Pennsylvania man was charged after he allegedly broke into a home, cut his hair and prepared fried chicken before being discovered. The man was charged with breaking into the home in Easton, about 50 miles north of Philadelphia. According to court documents, the homeowner returned home Sunday to discover him watching TV and cooking chicken.
Authorities said the man threw a rock through a front door window to get inside and appeared to have rummaged through every room in the house. He also took a shower.

rob said...

awl, mark

TJ said...

Is Mark telepathically sending you funny comments?

rob said...

sorry, meant marlin. reading is fundamental.

zoltan said...

I'm not immensely surprised. MA has a very liberal reputation, but once you get outside of Boston/Cambridge/Brookline/Sommervile it normalizes out.

zoltan said...

I wish I would come home and find someone frying up chicken for me.

Dan said...

danny loves me some scotty b.

Mark said...

I'm with Zoltan. Nobody ever makes me fried chicken. I always have to go to Popeye's. In other grease related news, all the Checkers fast food joints in my county are now officially closed. If you need me, I'll be in the corner drinking, crying and fondly remembering Rap Cat. Also, somebody might want to go to Greg's house and remove any sharp objects. He's not going to take this Checkers news well.

zoltan said...

When I was a kid our neighbor was from Georgia and she made the best fried chicken on earth. We also lived around the corner from Popeye's. So I ate a ton of fried chicken. I'm a huge fan. When I learned that Vin Baker had a deep fat fryer installed in his kitchen so he could make chicken, AND that he was an alcoholic, I became a fan. Until he became a Knick.

rob said...

in point of actual fact, dan, you had no earthly clue who he was ten days ago. you're an easy lay.

rob said...

but he deserved the shit out of that victory. committed persistent hustle beats the shit out of complacency every day of the week.

rob said...

as you might guess, 'shit' is the word of the day.

zoltan said...

Speaking of Scotty B, has anyone else ever noticed that Swint looks like Scotty J?

http://tinyurl.com/ydqjhxz

zoltan said...

The nail in Coakley's coffin was her joke about Curt Schilling. You can't besmirch Schilling and expect to win anything in MA.

Whitney said...

Also, she apparently borrowed Creigh Deeds' playbook for How Not to Get Elected.

(Just glad the Pope never got his hands on that one.)

rob said...

that, and people are legitimately pissed about the state of the economy and the perception that the democrats aren't doing anything about it. and while i might argue that congress' dysfunction has a lot to do with that perception, the party in power is the one that bears the brunt of popular discontent. thus will it always be.

Whitney said...

And I guess nobody wanted to comment on the new Greasetruck song song, but I will. I like it. Of course, I'm an easy mark, like Dan when he see an (R) come up on the political results.

It's Ween meets the Stooges. Like much of the new Greasetruck stuff, this song was was already highly Ween-ish but went full-Boognish with "now he'll pay." Nice.

Here's my quarrel with the song. By my count, the protagonist had eight beers, some shots, maybe a Car Bomb or two. Stop being such a fucking pussy.

At least he didn't mention "picareqsue" this time.

Whitney said...

I am such a bad-ass, I can't even spell that word.

Or something like that.

Dennis said...

I know someone else who had a Deep Fat Fryer...unstoppable.

rob said...

more important than all this political crap (but less important than fried food), the tribe plays at vcu tonight at 7:30. huuuuuuuuuuuuuge game.

Marlin said...

The pathetic thing for GOP partisans like me (other than the fact that the party has been taken over by homophobic, xenophobic, bible thumping mouthbreathers) is that due to the party’s lack of bench strength, as of today Scotty B is a legitimate contender to be the 2012 republican nominee.

Somewhere, Bobby Jindall is crying.

Mark said...

No he isn't. He's far too busy with his page duties over at 30 Rock.

TR said...

Teddy Dupay is up to, um, different things these days:

http://ncaabasketball.fanhouse.com/2010/01/19/teddy-dupay-finally-finds-greener-grass/

Mark said...

Teddy Dupay, much like Eddie Money, always finds a way back into my life.

Dave said...

thanks for the props whit. i actually wondered if you would think the narrator hadn't drank enough to warrant his hangover, but i used the number "six" for the rhythm of the line. perhaps i need to release a "whitney" version and say sixteen. this is making me remember a certain ight when we tried to impress the bartendress at finky's.

Dave said...

everyone is down on the democrats right now, as far as i've heard, but has anyone discussed a more comprehensive socialized health care system as something that might spur the economy, because it wouldn't be such a huge expense for business, and it would also allow for a more fluid work force because you don't have to hang on to your job solely because of the benefits? is this a positive or am i making this up? i've been reading "the age of wonder" so i'm not up to date right now on politics . . . (and i shoudl probably go somewhere beisdes gheorghe for my news)

Marlin said...

He is running a pot based pyramid scam. This is not going to end well. He and Lenny Dykstra are going to end up sharing a cell in the federal slambo jambo.

Marlin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marlin said...

Dave - Do we really think that socialized health care will relieve businesses? Somebody has to pay for this. Businesses and individuals will have to carry the cost just as they do now. We might change the burden from direct to indrect via taxation, but we will have to pay for it either way.

zoltan said...

And clearly it won't work - Europeans are dropping dead while waiting in line to see the doctor and they don't have any money to do anything like travel to NY and block my view of Impressionist masterpieces.

Geoff said...

Talk to folks in Canada about their healthcare. I've heard equal parts horror story and "hey its not all that bad" but the horror stories were enough for me. My favorite was the guy I know who tore his acl and was made to wait 6 months for surgery. He was less than thrilled.

As to Marls point on bench strength (and homo/xenophobia), I'd like to disagree with him. If I had to back a horse for 2012, I'd look at John Thune or Paul Ryan...both somewhat obscure but both are extremely bright and informed. Thune's a little more religious right that I'd ideally prefer, but he's also the more viable candidate of the two. Both aspire to be pres someday but they also may both want to wait til 2016.

Dave said...

i honestly don't know the answer to that-- but one of the large costs of health care is the litigation and insurance for malpractice and consolidating it under federal control might alleviate some of that.

either that, or there's got to be better options-- my teaching job has great benefits with a 5$ co-pay, but if i don't feel i need that good of a plan (i'm strong as an ox. before haiti crumbled, i used to have a lot of unprotected sex there and i never contracted any diseases) i should be able to get some money back-- but there's no options like that, it's all or nothing (very little if you opt out).

also, like "logan's run," and "soylent green," we need to start killing old people and eating them.

Dave said...

i think there's a "greasetruck" song buried in that last comment.

TR said...

I don't know about Paul Ryan. I can't trust a guy with a first name for a last name. No offense Whit. Or Rob. Or Z-Man.

TJ said...

Dave, soylent green was made of all kinds of people, not just geriatrics.

rob said...

does it help if i have a first name for all three of my names? whit, too, though his first two are sissy names.

zoltan said...

I trust a man with a first name for a last name much more than a man with a last name for a first name. Or with an initial for a first name and a last name for a middle name.

zoltan said...

Thus Ron Paul >> J. Danforth Quayle.

rob said...

is ron paul greater than or equal to sean paul?

TR said...

They both pale in comparison to Les Paul and Chris Paul. But not Paul Wall.

TJ said...

Excuse me...where's the love for RuPaul?

zoltan said...

I've got bigger buns than my man Paul Bunyon.

TR said...

I know many of you were interested in adopting a wild horse or burro from the US Government. Here's how you can do it!

http://www.blm.gov/es/st/en/prog/wild_horse_and_burro/faq_s.html

rob said...

ask for janice

rob said...

save that shit for a post, tr. dammit. postcount!

TJ said...

I'm sorry, who are you again?

I'm Frieda's boss.

TR said...

Rob's quite the pottymouth today.

Greg said...

Who's Frieda?

zoltan said...

I'm still waiting for a beaverstump post.

Mark said...

She's the one who closed all the Checkers, Greg.

TJ said...

She's also my secretary.

Whitney said...

Dave, our little company just switched to a low-premium, high-deductible health insurance plan. We get rewarded for being healthy and/or not going to the doctor much. Our premium is relatively cheap, but we pay out of pocket the first $1200 of health care every year (outside of annual check-ups and a few other exceptions). We can set it up so that most or all of it comes out of a pre-tax Health Savings Account we dump some paycheck into.

It's best if you are a macho dude like Dave and don't go to the doctor unless you have to. That also makes cancer hit you much worse if you get it, but that's another story. Sounds like this is the health plan for you. Talk to the NJ school system.

zoltan said...

Rex Ryan is my pick in the next G:TB dead pool:

http://tinyurl.com/ye2tpym

But he gives a great post-game speech.

http://tinyurl.com/y89dde4