Monday, January 11, 2010

G:TB's Once and Future Favorite Politician

From time immemorial (give or take several thousand years), the Democratic Party has let its political opponents define it as soft. On terror, on defense, on immigration, on sleeping with interns, the donkeys have over and over again been branded as weak. And frankly, the last year hasn't brought much in the way of image rehabilitation, as the party with an overwhelming Congressional majority and the Presidency has managed to repeatedly let the other guys kick sand in its faces - even if the sand itself is made up of 98 parts fine-grain lunacy and 2 parts legitimate conservative principle.

That all started to change in September, when the author of this quote was released from Federal prison: "I will take with me a file, chisel and a knife. I'll try to get some major explosives to fight my way out. Then when I get out, I'll grab a sword like Maximus Meridius and as a gladiator, I'll stab people in the crotch."

Needless to say, we heartily approve. If our political system is going to be a circus, it may as well be a circus. Fraud, corruption, the world's most awesome hairpiece (described by one outlet as "a carpet remnant sewn from the fur of swamp rats, stapled to his head")? What's not to love? And truly, in an era where we've got Michele Bachmann, Jim Traficant's crazy might make Congress more sane.

I've directed Teejay to take the proceeds from our AdSense account and donate to Jim Traficant for Congress. It's the least we can do, for ourselves and for America.

98 comments:

rob said...

a very special happy gtb birthday to shlara

Dan said...

i'd say it's cloer to 40 parts lunacy and 60 parts legitimacy...i'm just sayin.
and don't forget the economy...
Blammo!

Dan said...

by "cloer" i meant..."closer"

rob said...

saying it doesn't make it so, danimal

zoltan said...

I got a D+ in the lone economics class I took in college so I don't know what I'm talking about, but is the economy really doing poorly? Look at this:

http://tinyurl.com/crmyaq

Again, I'm not trying to raise a ruckus. It's an honest question. TR, what's the story?

Dan said...

stock market decent at moment, and i'll take it.
unemployment bad.
people still not traveling and spending money. by people, specifically, corporations. the early rhetoric from barry conveyed this not wise - "going to places like vegas and..." whatever the f he said resulted in every company in the country cancelling meetings, conventions,and boondoggles etc. not good for the danimal, his companies' clients, or his co-workers...

KQ said...

happy birthday to shlara!! this seems as appropriate a venue as any for a shout out.

also, i watched angels and demons this weekend and thought of you all every time they cast a vote for the pope.

TR said...

The story is you sent us a link to 1 year chart of the Dow. Is that an economic story? I imagine a lot of folks realize that the 80% bounce off lows in March still leaves most equity averages well below their highs in late 2007.

TR said...

And everybody should do themselves a favor and ignore the Dow Jones index. Use the S&P 500 instead. The Dow is a PRICE-weighted average of 30 stocks. That means that a company like GE that trades under $17 has about 1/8th the weight of IBM, which trades at $129, although both companies are roughly the same size.

Marlin said...

Z-Man, while the Dow is an OK indicator of the investor confidence, it is not always indicative of underlying market conditions and is not a coal mine canary for potential coming problems.

I think the big worry is sustainability of the recovery, vs. whether we are on more stable ground than this time last year. We currently have double digit unemployment, tight credit, and large municipal/personal/corporate debt loads. All of this makes it really tough for the economy to grow without the govt. pumping cash into the system.

This last year has seen us pull out of recession mostly by virtue of huge amounts of government deficit spending. All that cash had to come from somewhere and it came from us in the form of federal IOU’s to international buyers of our debt. We have basically put the costs of the housing bubble, healthcare, the wars, ect. and sold it off and agreed to pay interest on it. That will only work as long as there are buyers of that debt and there will only be buyers as long as the marketplace thinks we have a legitimate chance of paying it back. It is only my opinion (and only a mildly educated one at that) but I think we are getting to the point where if we keep spending at this rate the creditworthyness of the US will no longer be unimpeachable. In fact, some of the ratings agencies have already advised governments, including the US that they are going to look at this issue. In order to avoid this, it could mean much higher taxes and less federal “stimulus” spending.

If that happens, who will take up the slack a fuel the economy? The states, some of which are bleeding red ink already? The cash strapped, more heavily taxed, 10% unemployed taxpayers? Business has always been the way that this country was able to pull out of these recessions, but likely higher corporate tax rates, restricted credit, and potential inflation may all hinder this.

I don’t mean to be all gloom and doom, but I think we will face some pretty stiff headwinds in the coming years.

zoltan said...

It was actually a 2 year graph. How about this?

http://tinyurl.com/yam4pgo

rob said...

dammit, didn't any of you people read the tags for this post? this is a goofy post about goofy shit. take your politics talk somewhere else. focus on the important stuff. like shlara getting old.

zoltan said...

Happy 21st birthday Shlara! I hope you enjoy your new driver's license.

Dan said...

thank you zoltanimal.
rob - you started it.
shlara - happy birthday - your card is in the mail.

Shlara said...

Thanks for the birthday wishes. Now that I'm 21, I can finally have my first drink...what should it be???

Marlin said...

Sorry Rob. I got confused and thought that I was posting on Gheorghe: The Economist.

Ending pointy headed stuff, commencing fart humor.

Shlara, Happy birthy anniversary day. As for drinks, no Green Leafe 21st birthday was complete without a Gorilla Fart. Double shot of 151 and Wild Turkey.

cgormley said...

Happy Birthday Shlara. Although I don't know you, you got to be a-ok to hang with group of aging misfits.

As for your first drink, flaming gorilla fart. Followed by some water. Got to keep hydrated and don't forget to pace yourself.

And I’d vote for the Traficant/Berry ticket in 2012. I even have a campaign slogan for them: “So good, we're criminal”

cgormley said...

Damn Marlin. My typing skills are getting old but our minds are on the same wavelength.

rob said...

gheorghe: the economist is a companion project that we're working on. the hard part is resolving the argument between the keynesians and the classical adherents on the staff. we may have to arm wrestle.

TR said...

Look at the shit sandwiches coming to the big screen in 2010 (pinched from Slate):

Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett in Ridley Scott's Robin Hood

Owen Wilson and McLovin in Marmaduke

Neil Patrick Harris and Mary-Kate Olsen in Beastly, a modernized version of Beauty and the Beast

Jake Gyllenhaal in the adaptation of the video game Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Jessica Biel, and MMA star Quinton "Rampage" Jackson in The A-Team

jackie Chan and Will Smith's offspring in The Karate Kid

The guy from Gossip Girl and the girl from Dancing With the Stars in Footloose

Nicolas Cage in Disney's The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

Little Fockers, aka Meet the Parents 3

Step Up 3-D

TR said...

I should say putting Ridley Scott and Crowe together should make for a bad-ass action flick. The others are turds for sure.

TR said...

If Joe Theismann were to critique my two posts, it would go like this: "You know, TR does a real nice job of using the word should. We sat down with him last night and talked with him about this. He's really effective with that word."

That guy used the phrase "real nice job" about ten times on Saturday. Brutal.

KQ said...

joey t used to come in the gym wearing a skin tight mustardy-yellow slightly see-through under armour mock turtleneck. you wanna talk brutal? he did a real nice job of making me wanna barf.

Dan said...

he's a tool. he's an embarrassment to the institution that is notre dame. despite that, i would rather be him than bernie kosar.
could be a good post - who would you rather be? insert name here OR insert name here

rob said...

how 'bout you leave the programming to the experts, danny boy?

kq, any new post ideas?

TR said...

I have deep issues with the rise to prominence of Under Armour, due to the way they've inexplicably empowered men of all ages/shapes/sizies to wear upper- and lower-body mandex gear.

Nothing wrong with working out in cotton t-shirts, people. Especially if you're fat. Showing off your nipples and love handles just confirms that you're gross.

rob said...

i don't think we talked about this when it was announced a week or so ago, but aaron corp transferred from usc to richmond. good for the conference, not so much for the tribe.

zoltan said...

Note that during our Rednecks 'n Longnecks party, TR disappeared for 5 minutes and reappeared as EL Bandito, wearing a Zorro mask and spandex bike shorts.

zoltan said...

And sneakers. And nothing else.

zoltan said...

Vampire Weekend's new album comes out tomorrow?

rob said...

is that an actual question, or is the question mark there for inflection?

zoltan said...

It's there for inflection - I just got an email about it and this was the first I heard of it.

Dan said...

dear abby,
on the under armour topic...i work out w/ a guy that i know fairly well, but not well enough to give him unsoliticted advice or bust his balls.
he wears the under armour underwear as his swim trunks and will even run in them sometimes pre & post swims. reasoning - frugality. If it were just he and i, i wouldn't mind so much - in fact, it really turns me on. but often the workouts include others, including females. what to do?
signed,
kokn ballthz

Geoff said...

True story: I interviewed with Rep. Bachmann to be her Chief of Staff in 2007. After deciding after the interview that I was not going to take the job once offered it, I was then never offered the job (15-Love, Bachmann). The guy who got the job was her fifth CoS in 18 months. He quit after five months. Her seventh CoS, I believe, just announced he was leaving last month.

rob said...

i have a letter to the editor of the late, lamented gheorghr: the internet magazine penned by one t. rhymenocerous rezguy regarding the topic of men and spandex at the gym. unfortunately, the magazine in question went defunct before the letter was published. it was written at least 6 years ago, but if i recall right, it would be precisely on point regarding the topic at hand. i'll comb my archives this evening to see it i can find it. tomorrow's filler may have written itself...in the past.

whoa.

rob said...

geoff, please tell me she's as crazy as she seems (and as a whole bunch of evidence implies). i really want to believe it.

Geoff said...

She was a little odd in the interview (which lasted close to an hour) but one on one seemed relatively normal. She made the kind of insanely locked-in eye contact only seen in true lunatics though, and she mentioned in the interview that she has 23 foster children. That's not a typo. 23. Her personality kind of reminded me of John Cusak's mother in Better Off Dead. I know the guy who was her first CoS and he has some stories that would make you happy Robert. Random side note: She has her JD from...wait for it...the College of William & Mary.

zoltan said...

I think that cuts the right way - W&M J.D. = bonkers.

rob said...

geoff, you realize the time for the rational party is nigh, don't you? fiscal conservatism, social tolerance, we'll make up the rest as we go along. also, togas.

zoltan said...

I think that naked ladies should be a plank in the Rational Party's platform. I'll leave it to you all to work out the details.

rob said...

natch, z-man. that speaks to the social tolerance stuff.

zoltan said...

Where do "men in spandex" fit into the social tolerance scheme?

Dennis said...

Rob/Whit: Monsters of Folk....supergroup gone awry or worth my time?

Marlin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marlin said...

As the often quoted, but frequently ignored, saying goes: “Spandex is a privilege, not a right.”

At the start of this year’s NYC Half Marathon, I say a guy wearing a white skintight sleeveless Under Armor type shirt. While there were plenty of people wearing similar shirts, but this man’s girth made him stand out from the crowd. He looked like a 5 pound sausage in a three pound bag. He was also wearing a “Fuel Belt”, which, is essentially a bandoleer of small water/Gatorade bottles take on a long run. Fine, except why would you carry it if there is a fluid station every f’ing mile on the course? Tool.

zoltan said...

And it was ... PACI!!

rob said...

dennis, my limited experience with the monsters says 'worth your time'.

TR said...

In my (sometimes) ignorant opinion, Monsters of Folk is well worth your time. I finally got around to buying it around Xmas. A really neat sound, with a heavy Jim James/ My Morning Jacket influence. Ward and Oberst seem a bit less prominent, but that was cool with me b/c I love MMJ.

Like any "super-group" type project, the different tracks vary drastically in tone and tempo, but there are some very cool tunes. I'd say that a $9.99 iTunes investment is wise.

TR said...

Rob - My rambling 1997 letter to the owner of my local gym to complain about seeing a dude's dork silhouette probably doesn't need to see the light of day, although the message holds. For some reason, I still have a hard copy of it.

TR said...

FYI - Sports Guy was 0 fer 4 in his NFL picks and his Pats got crushed. We'll get to "hear" about that all week instead of getting to "read" the kinds of interesting articles he used to write.

rob said...

oh, but tr, are you sure? it's precisely the fact that it was funny that caused me to remember it 12+ years later. your call, but i know how i vote.

also, think about the post count.

Marlin said...

That letter will be featured prominently at the Rhymenocerous Presidential Library in Wall Township, NJ.

zoltan said...

TR circa 1997 should have produced a quality rant about working out under the shadow of another man's dork.

zoltan said...

The original post has inspired me. Details to follow.

rob said...

did you go to the barber and ask for a 'traficant'?

Geoff said...

The time for the rational party is indeed nigh. Sadly, it ain't happening. Political "victories" take precedence over positive or constructive legislative/policy outcomes on both sides of the aisle. Its not policy making--its team sports.

zoltan said...

I don't have enough hair to pull off a Traficant. You'll see what I'm cookin' up soon enough. Be patient Br'er Squirrel, be patient.

rob said...

afuckingmen, sadly.

geoff, were you ever in close proximity to the traficant hairdo?

rob said...

patience, z, has never been my strong suit.

Dave said...

the stock market is an abstraction, kind of like how the crash began in the first place. saw "up in the air" this weekend and it's a reminder of all the real people losing their jobs, which will increase house sales and foreclosures, as will the tight credit, and lack speculation in the real estate sector-- so housing prices aren't going to recover for a LONG time-- there's going to be way more supply than demand, and since most americans have the bulk of their wealth tied up in their house, we are in for a long recovery, even if the stock market is up. of course, zoltan, i didn't take ANY economics classes in college, so your D+ trumps my total ignorance.

Geoff said...

Yeah, I passed the Distinguished Gentleman from Ohio's 17th district in the hallway a couple of times, but never had the pleasure of speaking with him. He was a big believer in wearing black sneakers with a double breasted suit.

rob said...

jeter's getting married? after gtb endorsed his lifestyle choices? i hope she hits him in the face with a bat.

TR said...

W&M 43rd in the new AP poll. 41st in the ESPN/USA Today poll.

rob said...

home games this week against jmu (thursday) and hofstra (saturday). dan's on notice.

rob said...

mark mcgwire admits to using steroids. also, separately, whitney admits to mild alcohol use.

TR said...

Whitney is not here to talk about the past.

rob said...

nor remember it

KQ said...

since we're talking about inappropriate gym attire, i would also like to add to the discussion men who wear short (and I mean SHORT) running shorts to the gym. if you are not a sub 3 hour marathoner you have no reason to wear these in public. please note, this is specifically directed at the 300lb gentleman who wears them here everyday. on the rowing machine. i'm just waiting for something to fall out. **shudder**

Marlin said...

Like a turd?

Marlin said...

Post #69. Sweet. Clicks.

Happy now Rob?

TR said...

I see those dudes too. And, if forced to choose, I'd probably opt for a turd over a rogue hairy ball.

rob said...

hell yeah, marlz

Geoff said...

Awesomeness...

NYC Comp. John Liu (D) "has ordered his staff to rise whenever he enters the room and to address him as 'Mr. Comptroller'" -- although he "typically tells them" to "call him John after the first formal greeting each day" (New York Post).

rob said...

pure awesomeness. i believe i need to effort a photo of mr. liu. we may need to follow him more closely.

TJ said...

To say the current group of gentleman at the Chilis bar in Gate B of O'Hare is eclectic would be the understatement of the decade.

rob said...

we've got time, tommy. introductions are in order.

TJ said...

Well, we have the Brothers Beret to my immediate right...they shop exclusively from the Carlton catalogue.

TJ said...

Creepy old business dude is far left...his ragged overcoat indicates years of miserable travel and time spent at bars like this. Well, that, and the fact he won't stop talking at the rest of us.

TJ said...

Large, pasty doofus in center of bar (oh yeah, this bar has all of six stools) desperate to get home before O'Hare fucks him over for umpteenth time.

TJ said...

Oh good, Jim Rome is now on...this day gets better and better.

rob said...

phe nommmmmmm enal

TR said...

Teej - be careful how far you spread your feet if you have to drop a deuce. You don't want Larry Craig or the fuzz busting in on you. Or do you?

TJ said...

I'll save this early doucet I have brewing for my home commode, thank you.

Whitney said...

Way late to the shindig here. I'll try to touch on a few things ever so briefly.

1. Shlara: happy birthday, my dear. May your friends take you out on the town, and may a handsome stranger take you home for a good rogering*.

2. Under Armour: circa '97, our friend Flynn floated this one by me: "So my high school buddy Plank is starting this sports clothing company. 'Under Armour' or some shit like that. He got in touch with all the old friends asking for 'investments.' Like I got two grand to see if he can get his fuckin' t-shirt company off the ground. Ha."

That one was rubbed in his face for the rest of his days. (Kevin Plank has, however, come up quite big with donations and such since Flynn's departure.)

3. A friend of mine introduced us to a family treat of his over the holidays. A small Bell jar filled with large cherries that have been marinated for some time in . . . wait for it . . . Wild Turkey and 151. I ate one and vomited a little in my mouth. I finally had to ask the group of dudes eating them as if they were delicacies, "You guys realize they call this fucking drink a Gorilla Fart, right? It's not . . . it's not good."

4. Heard a track from the new Vampire Weekend album. Hoping what else I hear from it has more to it.

5. The real answer to the economic woes: drink more. Let's remember: the last time things were so bad off, booze was illegal!


*if by "rogering," the handsome stranger thinks that means being a fat Texan dick, throwing a broken Louisville slugger at you, having you inject him in the ass with stuff, and opting out of the sex because of a blister on his index finger, then I definitely don't wish that on you. In that case, may KQ take you home and see what ensues.

Whitney said...

Also, I plan to be in DC this weekend for anyone who wants to go out on the town. Full disclosure: I admit that it may involve some mild alcohol use.

rob said...

well, that's quite a comment.

sure beats my 'villanova's making this thing interesting'.

TJ said...

Oh yes, happy bday Shlara. Perhaps this is the year you master the digital camera.
/what a dick

Whitney said...

And I'll say this about the McGwire thing. Everyone knew he did 'em, and he's no closer to getting into the HoF, but for me, the way he said it and that he said it at all reaffirms my humble opinion of McGwire: he's all in all a much better dude than Bonds, Sosa, or Clemens. Those three will either die still lying or come clean in a Pete Rose scenario with something tangible to gain. McGwire is 1,000 times more likable a human being than those douchesquirts, if no better in his PED actions.

Whitney said...

Bob Feller went on record and said that he does not believe Mark McGwire will get into the Hall of Fame in his lifetime.

Bob's 91. Way to go out on a limb there, Mr. Feller.

rob said...

oklahoma has a guy named tiny gallon. like.

Marlin said...

Knicks getting fisted by the thunder. Enjoy that until the next tornado you flatland mouth breathers.

Marlin said...

That might be the booze talking. Just sayin'

zoltan said...

Sammy Sosa uses more than PED's:

http://tinyurl.com/yjbbqsk

TR said...

Z-Man: Do you have any other interesting stories from last November for us?

zoltan said...

Sorry, I honestly learned of Sosa's pigmentation issues this week.

Geoff said...

Hey Zoltan,

Check out this story about Tiger Wood's infidelity. Not sure how recent it is. Wonder if its true.

http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2009/12/23/2009-12-23_tiger_woods_fellow_golfers_.html

zoltan said...

The Doobie Brothers broke up?

Whitney said...

Well Michael McDonald had trouble writing another hit, so Skunk Baxter kicked him out.

That's what a fool believes, Kenny. That's what a fool believes.