Had Lunch Yet?

And the debate rages on. The protesters rail against the lawmakers, the bureaucrats issue memoranda with vague language, and the people of the United States of America are denied a seemingly basic freedom. It's a freedom for which William Wallace would have donned the face-paint. It's . . .

. . . the inalienable right to consume sheep's heart, liver, and lung after it's been encased in a sheep's stomach and simmered slowly.

Damn you, big government.

Sounds delicious, no? Haggis, as this delicacy is known, is perhaps the most famous dish served in Scotland. It certainly was the one that leapt off the menu when I was in Edinburgh a decade ago. (Leapt in a John Hurt abdomen alien way, not in any sort of a savory way.) I suppose in a sense it's no more vile than the sausage or hot dogs Americans consume regularly, but it sounds, looks, and smells pretty nasty. Plus, there's just something about using the "offal" (definition: the by-products, viscera and trimmings of a butchered animal removed in dressing; other definition: rubbish; pronounced: "awful") of an animal as the primary ingredients of a meal that doesn't entice.

The Scots, however, love it. "If it's not Scottish, it's crap" takes an ironic twist.

So what's the debate all about?

It seems that since 1971, sheep's lung has been banned in food in the US. Since 1989, the heyday of the mad-cow madness, haggis has specifically been targeted as off-limits to Vandelay Importers and the like. In a small place like Scotland (albeit one "colonized by wankers"), you can gleefully eat this treat in most any pub, but in a big country like ours, bureaucracy rules the day. Such simple minds. So Scottish expats go hungry and get angry, and if you've seen an angry Scotsman before, you do not want this.

This week marks the annual celebration of Scotland's favorite poet, Robert Burns -- as recognized with "Robert Burns Night" occurring in pubs inside and outside of the motherland. Traditionally, these "Burns Suppers" feature haggis on the menu, whiskey on the rocks, and a reading of Address to a Haggis on the docket. Yes, that last bit is indeed the poet's ode to sheep's innards sewn into a sheep's stomach. To be honest, I get that -- there's a Random Idiots single called "You're My Gyro" as well as another lost track professing love to the late night Jersey sandwich the "Fat Bitch." (Equal parts decorum and a loyalty to the cheesesteak w/ egg prevented the latter's release.)

The Burns Suppers in America, however, will be sadly missing that sheep's lung in every asterisked version of the haggis. As such, the US FDA has made these renditions of the dish inauthentic to the millions, nay dozens of Scottish-Americans clamoring for the right to savor those bronchi and bronchioles. This week news leaked through various US media outlets that the government may indeed be lifting the ban. And then . . . the FDA said that while the ruling was being reviewed, there is no timetable and no definite action is pending.

Until that day comes, lads and lassies, let us pray for the day when we have the liberty to pursue such happiness as haggis. While many of us don't know what we're missing, we stand (way) behind our kilt-donning friends as their dreams stay with them like a lover's voice, the proclaimers of that familiar primal scream: "Freedom!"

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Those who were looking for Haggis, aka Kid Chaos, the former touring bassist of The Cult and member of Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction, should look here. Sorry for the confusion.