Saturday, October 31, 2009

Who wishes he was in Jacksonville? >This Guy<

Guess what didn't get brought up at the G:TB staff meeting this week? Or on the Friday G:TB conference call? Yep, thats right. The weekly College Football picks column. If it wasn't for me, this column would be more dead than the Cauc Hop. Fortunately for G:TB (and Dan's Saturdays), I'm going to keep on keeping on all the way through this season with well-informed, deeply researched College Football picks.

Now, we all know that this column is anything but well informed or deeply researched, unless of course you count a wheelbarrow full of alcohol from the night before as research (which I do), but its tough to argue with the results thus far. I'm 9-0 over the last three weeks based on little more than taking the points against Florida and Alabama and then picking one other game I feel relatively confident in. That's it, that's my grand plan. A plan that's working because neither the Gators or the Tide can help from tripping all over themselves offensively, especially in the red zone. Unfortunately, Alabama has a bye this week so I'm going to have to rely on my historically terrible instincts to lead me through this week's picks.

Michigan @ Illinois (+8.5): This week's betting strategy? Bet against Ron Zook. Especially if he's leading a sloppy, downtrodden team that hasn't beaten a Division 1 opponent yet this year and has already mailed it in for the season. For all you Redskins fans out there, if you're looking to feel just a bit better about your moribund franchise, I encourage you to watch some of the Illini's home game against Michigan today. Things could be worse, you could have Ron Zook as your coach...and your AD (or owner in the Skin's case) could have already come out publicly and stated that Zook's job was safe for not only this year but next year as well. One last note: My friend Vitas had Juice Williams as his starting QB in the G:TB College Football Fantasy League. He released Williams a week before Zook decided to bench him. Ron Zook: One full step behind casual Big Ten football fans!

USC @ Oregon (+4.5): So, all we hear all week is that Oregon might be the country's best team right now but then we turn around and see that the Ducks are 4.5 point dogs for a home night game to USC. Jesus, does the fellatio of the Trojans know no bounds? I probably shouldn't be picking this game as I haven't watched a ton of Oregon since they shit the sheets in Boise on opening night, so I don't know as much about this game as I normally do when making my picks. However, these are the things I do know: Oregon's best running back starts his name with a "La" (Seriously, what are the chances of a team's top two tailbacks both having names that start with Le or La?), Matt Barkley will get blown repeatedly by Brent Musberger tonight over a 4 hour period, Barkley's "poise" and "cool demeanor" will be referenced approximately 25 times tonight, Oregon students will be so high that they'll see an image of a schooner within the uniform's of their Ducks, and by the time we all go to bed tonight the momentum for the annual "USC is the best one loss team in the country" campaign will be ramping up to epidemic levels. USC wins, Barkley comes that much closer to taking over for Tim Tebow as the most hyped player in America (it's coming next year in a big way, believe me) and the students in Eugene still won't care because they'll be surrounded by great weed and young girls in slutty costumes. Anybody else miss college?

Florida vs. Georgia (+17):
Get ready to hear an awful lot about how Georgia players feel "disrespected" by Urban Meyer's late timeouts during last year's blowouts. You're likely to hear some revisionist history by those same players as well. Many of them seem to think that Florida ran up the score on the Dogs last year. On the contrary, if Meyer had called a pass play or even a jet sweep after one of those late timeouts than I could see their point of view. He didn't, he ran it up the middle twice. Georgia flat out got their ass kicked last year. I don't blame them for not liking it. I didn't like it when Georgia kicked Florida's ass two years ago. Will Georgia be extremely motivated this year? You bet. Do I think they're good enough to beat Florida without some help from the Gators in the form of turnovers and continued problems with offensive efficiency (especially in the red zone)? No, not with that defense and definitely not with the Ginger Ninja quarterbacking the Dogs. However, I see no reason why Florida's offense is going to magically repair itself today so I'm going to continue to take the points when it comes to Florida. Florida wins...but its close (Fuck me, I am getting really tired of typing that in this space).

One last thing on Florida's offensive problems: I'm getting really sick and tired of listening to "experts" tell me that the Gator's offensive woes are a result of a lack of playmakers on the outside. It's just wrong. Florida certainly doesn't have the same depth or explosiveness it had last year at WR but the much bigger issue this year is the offensive line and pass protection (or lack thereof). This year's OLine is significantly less effective in pass pro than last year's team. The major reason for this is the way the line has been re-shuffled, specifically the move of Carl Johnson from LG to LT. Johnson's a monster and Florida's offense (and season) took off last year when he was inserted into the lineup at LG after the Ole Miss game. He, along with the Pouncey twins, solidified the middle of the line and raised the offense's overall play. Johnson excels at punishing defensive lineman and getting to the second level on run plays. He does not, however, have the quickest feet I've ever seen. Since moving full time to LT after the injury to Matt Patchan, Johnson has struggled against quick pass rushers. He gave up the sack that led to the initial hit on Tebow's concussion play and was repeatedly beat by Bequette from Arkansas on speed rushes up the field a couple weeks ago. He wasn't much better in Starkville last week either. If Florida's going to move the ball more efficiently with the pass, they have to protect Tebow better and Tebow has to have confidence in his pass protection so he's not as prone to tucking the ball and running as quickly as he's been doing of late. I'd watch out for a freshman named Xavier Nixon today to see some snaps at LT in an effort by the Gator coaching staff to solidify their OLine and, hopefully, jumpstart the Gator offense.

Matchup of the day: Georgia WR A.J. Green vs. Florida CB Joe Haden. Both are future 1st round NFL draft picks. Both are freak athletes with good size for their position who have been starting since the day one of their freshman year. Its sure to be a fun matchup to watch on the outside today. You know what else is fun? Regrettable tattoo decisions. Yep, that's Joe's little brother.

105 comments:

Mark said...

My new Favorite name in college football?

Eltoro Freeman.

You had a good run, Slick Shelley.

zoltan said...

Ole.

rob said...

i was very confident that mark would come through for us today, but even so, i had no earthly idea he could crank out that many words in such short order. crystal meth is a miracle drug. well done, sir.

Mark said...

Meth is awesome, no doubt about that.


One of the many things Agassi and I have in common.

Mark said...

You know when I started to have a bad feeling that Indiana was going to blow this game against Iowa?

When I saw Indiana's coach practically skipping off the field at halftime. Fucking guy looked like a 10 year old who just go a new puppy. Jesus pal, act like you've (at least) thought about being there before.

Mark said...

When I said Indiana would blow this game I didn't count on Ricky Stanzi going as Jake Delhomme for Halloween.

Mark said...

When you pick off five passes and still lose by 11...you really fucking suck.

zoltan said...

Iowa has a guy named Marvin McNutt. They can't lose. Not possible.

mayhugh said...

Yikes. UConn just gives up an 81 yard td with 20 secs to go (after scroring a td on 4th down to go up 3).

Jerry said...

And the announcers were as devastated as anybody in the UConn crowd.

mayhugh said...

SO, I haven't watched much of Georgia this year. Is their defense always this soft?

rob said...

put me in the 'georgia's uniforms are plug ugly' column

Jerry said...

Their defense was good for one week. After that, they've been pretty awful.

Geoff said...

Why is Florida playing Grambling?

Jerry said...

Cunningham is getting held on every pass.

Centreville Alabama.

Greg said...

Jerry beat me to that obscure joke.

Mark said...

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Mark Richt?

Mark said...

Can anyone explain to me why the Notre Dame-Washington State game is being held in San Antonio?

Jerry said...

Mighty generous to call that a joke. Thank you. I'm starting to build up a decent dislike of Georgia. This excessive celebrating and trash talking is kind of pathetic and annoying.

Jerry said...

Partially. Notre Dame has gone to a 7-4-1 schedule, as in home/road/neutral. I think they're playing UConn in Yankee Stadium next year. So that's why they have a neutral game. As for the opponent and the location...I have no idea.

zoltan said...

The front page of ESPN.com says "Tim Tebow has two passing TDs and two rushing TDs against Georgia, one of which set a record." Which is wrong. Both of his rushing TDs set records. Firsh he broke Herschel's record and set it at 50, then he broke his own record and set it at 51. Why does shit like this annoy me so much?

Mark said...

Because you have deep rooted issues, Zoltan. I suggest more drinking.

I agree with Jerry. I hate UGA so very much. Richt is a douche, Cox is an overly enthusiastic ass and I'll always always always hate their fans.

Mark said...

By the way, I shouldve seen this Ron Zook circle the wagons/shut out the noise in the system win coming. Fuck you Ron Zook. Fuck you right on your scattered brained ass.

Jerry said...

It's a lot like Arsenal-Tottenham.

Mark said...

AJ Jones has had the game of his life tonight. Florida's pass rush has also seemingly sprung back to life tonight.

Mark said...

which is nice.

Their has been a lot of quality punts in this game, seriously.

TJ said...

God does love Slayer. He told me at last week's show.

TJ said...

Case Keenum likes to throw the ball, and does it quite well.

Mark said...

which is nice.

Their has been a lot of quality punts in this game, seriously.

Mark said...

That overhead shot of a half empty stadium in Jacksonville is beautiful.

TJ said...

Slats is still there...he got in 10 sets of squats and headed back for the 4th quarter.

TJ said...

I hope you Skins fans enjoy the Kirk Ferentz Era...

Mark said...

I submit that no jerseys in the history of ever have looked as awkward or as out of place as The ones that Tennessee is wearing tonight.

TJ said...

Matsui replacing Swisher in right tonight...his lack of working knees might be a problem defensively, I'm just sayin'

Mark said...

Seriously, these UT jerseys look like Pop Warner jerseys. Evidently though, they are good luck.

TJ said...

Fine, I'll say it - Ozzie Guillen should be a part of every pregame show on television.

TJ said...

Just caught the Vol unis...they are indeed atrocious.

TJ said...

I've said it before, but boy does that chick on the Wiz shoot the three well.

rob said...

jesus, you guys aren't kidding. looks like tennesee dressed in the dark. what the hell is wrong with the sec today?

TJ said...

Whoa, where the hell does Iowa play its home games?

TJ said...

Idaho, not Iowa. Me type bad.

rob said...

jeremiah masoli doesn't look italian

TJ said...

Holy shit was the end of the Idaho/La Tech game crazy fun...

Mark said...

Yes he does, Rob. Italians are Moors. I tell my girlfriend this constantly.

TJ said...

No Mark, I'm sorry...the correct answer is "the Moops"

Mark said...

Bump, set...

rob said...

temple is bowl eligible. in case you were wondering.

TR said...

This 915 pm baseball start is killing me. I missed the end of the Rutgers game, all of the 4 pm games and my kid melted down, refusing to wear his costume, showing no interest in candy and spending his time diving into wet piles of leaves. Thank Allah for the New bottle of Chivas 18 year in my booze cabinet.

rob said...

at least the knicks look good, timmy

TJ said...

This game might end by 1am, if we're lucky...and as a psa, don't forget to set your clock back (?) an hour.

And Towelie also reminds you not to forget your towel.

TJ said...

TR, I think you describe your kids behavior as a meltdown 69 percent of the time. Are you raising Three Mile Island in Osh Kosh?

TJ said...

Girardi has to put Swish on the bench for the rest of this series. I cannot watch any more of these futile at bats.

TR said...

On the Knicks, Mark continues to delude himself into thinking the team is not that terrible. They are about to go 0-3. What's agonizing is that they have two first round picks that aren't getting playing time. I have no idea why D'Antoni won't try to see what he has in the 8th overall pick.

I can't wait for them to overpay for Chris Bosh after they whiff on D-Wade and Bron Bron.

TR said...

I don't know what the kid's deal is. We were at a party at Sam's tonight and he was a lunatic. He calmed down after he got a glowstick...because he was busy trying to eat it. Other than that, it's a piece of cake.

TJ said...

I don't like where this inning is headed...

Shlara said...

Nice win for the Wiz tonight. And they played solid without Caron & Antawn.

Andray was unbelievable. But I'm not jumping on that bandwagon until he plays 10 games in a row at that level. $100 bucks says he goes clubbing to celebrate his career high 30-point game and ends up hitting on an undercover cop disguised as a slutty nurse. And ends up cak in jail again...

rob said...

who amongst us hasn't fallen for a slutty nurse, tho?

TJ said...

Washington St is one awful football team.

rob said...

look at the knicks throwing it in my face

Shlara said...

Cole Hamels is hot. I know you guys don't care, but it need to be noted in this forum.

TJ said...

Here's an idea for the Yankees: get a fucking hit.

TJ said...

Thank you Alex Rodriguez...

TJ said...

That hit the camera. That's a home run.

TJ said...

If these boobs fuck this up...

Mark said...

LaMichael James...the Trojans seem to have trouble with underrated freshman tailbacks from Texas.

In other news, Oregon and Illinois and Florida (thankfully) have pretty much spit in my face today. I deserve it though...who brags about their gambling record in a public forum?

rob said...

quack!

TJ said...

I must be seeing things...did Nick Swisher just get a hit?

TJ said...

Wow wow wow Andy is a Dandy

TJ said...

Carlos Ruiz might not want to call any more curveballs.

rob said...

for fuck's sake hamels, sack up

TJ said...

Suck it Cole Hamels. And fuck you city of Philadelphia.

rob said...

tastee cake-soft motherfucker

TJ said...

Hard to believe that's the same kid who was NLCS and WS MVP last year.

Mark said...

He's a pitcher..he's a lefty. That alone makes him half a hippie and half a fag.

TJ said...

Now you made Barry Zito cry.

Mark said...

He just did two lines off a stripper's ass. He's good.

Mark said...

So now's the point in the game where people start making excuses for USC?

You know, why they aren't the team that all the same people said they were...

rob said...

so texas loses one somewhere and we're looking at alabama/florida vs. tcu/boise st., huh?

TJ said...

Not. A. Chance.

Mark said...

Oregon would find a way to sneak in.

rob said...

so the phils are gonna have joe blanton facing cc sabathia in a must-win game? well, enjoy the parade, you mothbreathing degenerates.

TJ said...

I should rip Swish more often...

TJ said...

Moths tastes funny.

rob said...

yeah, that's right. mothbreathing.

Mark said...

Wait a minute...after Game 1 everybody told me the series was pretty much over...what happened?

TJ said...

Stop listening to morons.

rob said...

iphone touchpad + drunk operator = no chance of typo-free comments

Mark said...

They are everywhere TJ, I can't help it. For a second, I thought Rob was talking about me.

TJ said...

It's a shame your spacebar isn't broken as well.

TJ said...

Mark, rob is allllways talking about you. It's quite creepy actually.

Mark said...

Am I the only guy who thinks everybody would be thinking 'steroids' when it came to Jason Werth if all his success had happened two years ago?

TJ said...

All two years time does is make me think "HGH"

Mark said...

Good point

rob said...

super sports sunday! selling shit to suckers!

TJ said...

So Girardi's hope is to use no one but Rivera out of the bullpen the rest of this series, right? 2 innings from him tonight, 1 from him tomorrow after Charleston Chew goes 8?

rob said...

andy pettite, super gamer, true yankee. also, hgh user and occasional kid-toucher.

TJ said...

Geez, the Phillies fans didn't even dress up for a game on Halloween? Sad.

TJ said...

EAD-urbin

TJ said...

Joba better not fuck this up.

TJ said...

If Girardi brings him in, Phil Hughes WILL fuck this up.

TJ said...

Mrs. Myers might want to sleep at a friend's house tonight.

TJ said...

I really don't want to be right about Hughes...

Whitney said...

You mean when you told people Mark gives blowjobs for drugs?

Mark said...

Jesus...one handjob for some meth and the rumors start flying...

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