Saturday, October 24, 2009

Cowbells, pedophiles and people who hate dogs. Welcome to the SEC.

This may come as a suprise, but nobody even mentioned the weekly picks column during our weekly G:TB staff meeting. When you think about this deeper though, its really not that surprising at all. TR and Zoltan are northeastern liberal elites who care more about cocaine and Phil Collins' catalog than college football, TJ's a fat, lazy prick and Rob and Whitney are in Williamsburg this weekend trying to win a grant from the Board of Trustess at William & Mary that would allow all of us to quit our jobs and turn G:TB into the multimedia juggernaut will all know it's destined to be. Godspeed, you old assholes.

However, lest you think we've deserted you in your hour of need, I'm still here to carry the load and provide you a place to post your drunken college football related ramblings (Hey Dan!).

One more thing before I get started: You know what religion doesn't get enough credit for being total douchebags? Mormons. Yeah, I said it. We all know their religion is about the shakiest of them all (I received a prophecy from...this...hat! Yes! This magical hat!) And we know that they all secretly want 40 person families, but nobody likes to talk about their abhorrent fan behavior and (possibly) racist leanings. There are numerous cases of racial taunts being hurled at NBA players during games they played for teams opposing the Jazz in Salt Lake (you should hear the stories about the things they said to Brian Scalabrine last season...still makes me shudder)...and just this morning, I heard the crowd in Provo boo Tim Tebow. Easy there Mormons, I'm pretty sure I too could make up a new religion based on the number of "miracles" Tebow has performed if I just used the "Joseph Smith template for making shit up and hoodwinking thousands of desperate and naive people into believing in and supporting me" if I wanted to. Jim McMahon thinks you guys suck...and that's really all I need to know. Go Horned Frogs!


Clemson (+7.5) @ Miami:
If I cared about my picks record, I wouldn't be picking this game. Shit, if I had half a brain I wouldn't pick this game. Clemson is talented, schizophrenic and frustrating. Nobody knows what they will do from week to week, least of all the Tigers. But what else would you expect from a team whose coach is named Dabo? I mean, besides an oppressively heavy dose of uber-christianity uncomfortably juxtaposed with generic football phrases like "ball security" and "gap integrity"?

So what does all that mean? First, it means that I'm still half drunk from last night. It also means that I think Miami is due for a seemingly inexplicable home loss. However, when you look at it, this is the kind of loss that extremely young teams suffer once or twice a season. Despite their talent, Miami is still very young and, often times, not a terribly disciplined football team. They nearly suffered a letdown loss last week at UCF but pulled out a victory based on a few good breaks and far superior talent. Clemson may not have as much talent as Miami, but they're pretty close. Ricky Sapp and DaQuan Bowers are both future pros and they'll be going up against a banged up Miami offensive line that has struggled in pass protection of late. Clemson's defense will force a few turnovers, CJ Spiller will make at least one jaw dropping TD run and the Tigers won't just cover, they'll win.




Tennessee (+17) @ Alabama: If Alabama hadn't been playing at home last week, their is a very good chance they would have lost to South Carolina last week. Despite the score, that game was very much in doubt late into the 4th quarter. Well, that is if Stephen Garcia wasn't such a terrible QB. You see, with all the talk about how much Florida is struggling lately, people have overlooked the recent offensive struggles in Tuscaloosa. Greg McElroy's play has dropped off dramatically since the early season and he's now completing just over 50% of his throws. On top of that, Alabama has only scored a TD in 16 of their 37 trips to the redzone thus far this year. If not for Mark Ingram's transformation into college football's best (and nastiest) tailback, we might be talking about the Tide offense as one of the SEC's worst. Bama's offense is unlikely to get untracked this week. Not with their #2 rival coming into town and not with Monte Kiffin having two weeks to prepare for the Tide. If Tennessee had a real QB then I might be tempted to pick the Vols outright here, but we all know that City of Crompton is far from a real SEC QB. Shit, he's far from a real Big East QB. Bama wins by a TD.

Florida (-23.5) @ Mississippi State:
I was clear from the beginning last week that Arkansas scared the shit out of me, for numerous reasons. Mississippi State also scares the shit out of me, though the reasons are far different this time around. First, Florida is fucking terrible in Starkville. The last time the Gators played in Starkville I had to work a huge George Bush political rally at the Stadium I used to work at. As if being surrounded by 10,000 right wing kool-aid slurping xenophobes wasn't bad enough, a bird shit on my head that afternoon. No really, a bird shit directly onto to my bald head. When the (Klan) rally finally ended, I made my way back to my office in time to see Ron Zook (excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth) putting the finishing touches on Sylvester Croom's first ever SEC win. Not surprisingly, this was one of the worst days of my life. The only good that came from it was that the loss to the Bulldogs was so embarrassing that it finally forced Florida AD Jeremy Foley to end the Zook era and, eventually, bring in Urban Meyer. What about the Gators' previous trip to Starkville, you say? Well, this sums it up nicely.



If you're not already aware, that game was the beginning of the Rex Grossman era at Florida. So, based on those last two results, either Urban Meyer's going to get fired tonight or Tim Tebow is going to lose his starting job to John Brantley. Well, I don't quite think its going to be that bad but it is going to be a struggle. From what I can tell, Florida's going to be without 3 of their top 4 DTs (including both starters) tonight, as well as All-American LB Brandon Spikes and pass rush specialist Justin Trattou. Florida's so beat up along the defensive front that a white kid from California name Duke will see extensive playing time tonight. Did I mention that Mississippi State has the SEC's second best tailback in Anthony Dixon? And that first year coach Dan Mullen knows the Gators' personnel and schemes like the back of his hand? And that 50,000+ drunk rednecks will be banging cowbells for 3+ hours tonight? Yeah, well, that too. I don't think Florida's going to lose tonight but I sure as shit don't think they'll cover or keep me from putting my fist through a wall at some point in the evening. Florida wins a close one.

108 comments:

TJ said...

I'm in Boston this weekend, looking forward to pissing off several massholes during the ND/BC game...and some guy in the hotel bar is way too distraught over Minnesota's 7 pt deficit.

Mark said...

I hate big Ten randoms. I had to sit near to a group of idiot Iowa fans earlier this year during the Iowa-Iowa State game. Good times.

Mark said...

Apparently Longhorn Steakhouse has something called the bacon wrapped, three cheese crusted filet. Color me interested. Very interested.

Mark said...

A quick prediction update:

- Clemson is beating Miami at the half.

- CJ Spiller took a kic back 90 yards for a TD.

- Alabama has had to settle for 3 FGs and is up 9-3 on Tennessee at the half.

- Phil Collins came on while I was at lunch today and the older couple next to me proceeded to discuss his catalog for the next 5 minutes.

If I had predicted a Florida blowout win, I'd be much happier right now.

TR said...

My day has consisted of pee-filled diapers, shit-filled diapers and a trip to Costco. My lone spot of excitement was the soon-to-be called off Yanks game. Good times.

Mark said...

Thats why I don't talk to any of my kids TR. They don't bring anything positive to the table on fall weekends.

TR said...

My afternoon would be better if there was a decent game on right now. Akron - Cuse is the best I got right now. Bama - Vols is boring as hell.

Mark said...

If Tennessee's offense was even remotely competent they'd be beating Alabama right now.

Mark said...

Too bad you don't get Clemson-Miami. 24-21 late in the 3rd. Back and forth all day so far.

Mark said...

That guy on the Pizza Hut/Wing Street commercial that says he "could easily pound 50" is a fucking liar. You aren't eating 50 wings in one sitting and you sure as fuck aren't doing "easily", asshole.

zoltan said...

First Ghostface, now someone named Scott Stinson. Everyone comes to G:TB for our top-shelf content.

http://tinyurl.com/yjrnjo7

TR said...

Yanks game postponed.

Mark said...

Bama's offense just isn't very good. McElroy has regressed terribly.

Mark said...

Marcell Darius is a fucking monster. Probably the second best player on Bama's D after Rolando McClain. Yes, I think he's better than Cody.

Mark said...

Clemson-Miami is terrific. Big play after big play after big play. Canes up 34-31 with 10 to go in the 4th.

Mark said...

TR...you may want to check on Tennessee and Alabama...

Mark said...

Jesus Tennessee. I can't fucking count on you for anything. Just make on damn 50% of your field goals. Inbred assholes.

Mark said...

Clemson wins. If you had bet according to my picks over the last few weeks you'd be more than a little bit richer.

Mark said...

It seems Spike is playing. I'll take it...

Mark said...

Nevermind. Spikes isn't going to go.

Mark said...

Florida's redzone offense is absolutely terrible.

Marlin said...

Mark, this may be a consecutive post record. Of course, the keeper of those records is likely 12 beers and a papal election deep in Boston so we may need to wait a few days to get confirmation.

Mark said...

This is the first Florida game I've watched at home since the SEC Championship Game. My new TV is fucking fantasic. My youngest dog, however, is not prepared, in any way, for my level of anger. He keeps trying to console me. If only he could make Tebow make a quick fucking read. He's been terrible tonight. Worst player on the offense tonight for UF. Killed 3 drive inside the 15.

Mark said...

You're right Marin. I'm stuck at home watching Florida stumble all over themselves and none of the usual suspects are around to make me seem less pathetic.

I'm fully prepared for Whitney to call me pathetic after he wakes up in some frat guys bed and then checks G:TB in the morning.

Marlin said...

Ever since we lost or house, the chances of whit waking up in some frat guy's bed are greatly reduced. Passed out face down in a hot holly on the back porch of college delly is much more likely. Unless of course you are talking about Rob's bed.

By the way, what the f did Bob Greise say that he had to just apologize to NASCAR fans?

Mark said...

I have no clue. It involed Juan Pablo Montoya but thats about all I picked up. I rewound it b/c I caught the back end of the apology and was intrigued.

Marlin said...

During Saturday's broadcast of the Minnesota-Ohio State college football game, former NFL star turned ESPN commentator Bob Griese made a culturally insensitive comment about NASCAR driver Juan Pablo Montoya during a promo for Sunday's Tums 500 Sprint Cup Series race.

The exchange that led to the remark happened when a graphic was displayed with the top five in the standings and announcer Chris Spielman asked "Where's Juan Pablo Montoya?"

"He's out having a taco," Griese replied.


Awesome.

Mark said...

Hahahahaha. Musberger rules.

Marlin said...

Tebow has midnight Marco polo matches????

Mark said...

Evidently. I wish I could say I'm surprised.

Mark said...

Terrible call.

Perfect embodiment of Florida's season so far. Way too satisfied with themselves...and without enough reason. They are losing this year. Whether its Alabama, or before...or even in the Championship game. This team doesn't have it.

Why do I even like football?

Dan said...

i just need miss st. to cover...
tebow blows tho - if he's still on the top of the chart for heisman, something is fucked up

Dan said...

mark - whoever the fuck you are, great call on clemson over miami.

on another note, w&M beat the shit out of jmu, so am awaiting an ass pounding (figuratively) from tweedle dee & dum...and schlara of course, which is how i spell it.

Dan said...
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Dan said...
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rob said...

for the record, i woke up in the back seat of my car this morning. that should give some rest to mark's allegations regarding my maturity.

zoltan said...

I woke up at 6 am in bed, contacts in, clothes I wore out still on, jeans around my ankles, very confused. Every once in a while my lady and I split a fifth of vodka and something stupid happens. Details may follow.

zoltan said...

The Bills have given up 360 total (TOTAL!!)passing yards in the past four games. That's 90 yards a game for you Area I majors. That's also 8 fewer yards than they gave up to Tom Brady in Week 1. They even held Drew Brees to 156 yards and 0 TD.

Sounds good, right? No. They are 1-3 over that span because they gave up 961 total rushing yards, or 240 yards/game. All of their past four opponents had at least two good backs who were run down their throats. The Panthers had DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart. Nuff said.

Panthers win 17-9

Shlara said...

You stay classy, Zoltan.

zoltan said...

I don't mean those kinds of details...

Apparently I tried to take my pants off and flailed, then refused assistance. Our doorman is angry and we aren't sure why.

Mark said...

So...its about time to we go ahead and say Sidney Rice has turned himself into one of the better downfield WRS in the NFL, no? He's making the Pro Bowl this year.

Mark said...

The Josh Freeman era has begun...yay.

zoltan said...

TR is rollicking in schadenfreude.

zoltan said...

And Percy Harvin is good at football.

Mark said...

Pery Harvin is a freak. A superfreak in fact.

zoltan said...

A Three Stooges-esque effort by the Steelers' punting team. Redskinesque, even.

Mark said...

Kicking game, but point taken.

zoltan said...

Alex Smith: 13/16, 174 yards, 3 TD 0 INT. No typos.

zoltan said...

This is why fantasy football is bad. I'm too busy following 4 other games to actually pay proper attention to the one on TV.

Mark said...

No typos. Is that like no homo?

Mark said...

The Bucs are absolutely terrible, and it seems they are getting worse.

zoltan said...

Exactly. Did you ever see the Spike Lee/Gus Johnson "pause" video? It's like that too.

Mark said...

Adrian Peterson is hard to tackle.

zoltan said...

JaMarcus Russell just threw an atrocious pick. He's the opposite of Percy Harvin when it comes to being good at football.

TR said...

JaMarcus Russell is giving this game to the Jets. They've started 2 of their first 3 drives at the Raiders 5. But Leon Washington left the field in the cart. Likely he has a broken ankle. Best of times, worst of time for Gang Green. For Oakland, it's just the worst of times.

TR said...

JaMarcus Russell is giving this game to the Jets. They've started 2 of their first 3 drives at the Raiders 5. But Leon Washington left the field in the cart. Likely he has a broken ankle. Best of times, worst of time for Gang Green. For Oakland, it's just the worst of times.

TR said...

Browns and Chiefs are 1-6, Rams and Bucs are 0-7. Tennessee is 0-6 and Detroit is 1-5. The Skins could go 4-12 and pick 7th in this year's draft. We haven't even mentioned Buffalo or Carolina. Unbelievable putridity among the bottom 1/3rd of the league.

zoltan said...

Russell has a friggin' gun though. He just flicked his wrist and threw the ball 50 yards, albeit off-target to a guy who was covered.

TR said...

And Kerry Rhodes appears to be concussed. The Jet injury list is growing long: Kris Jenkins, Lito Shepard, Brad Smith, Jerrico Cotchery, Leon Washington. Ugh.

TR said...

Thank you, JaMarcus! Turnover number 3 of the first quarter gives the ball back to the Jets. He sucks balls, despite his mohawk today. Cable's gotta pull that guy.

TR said...

Mark Sanchez has the same initials as Mackey Sasser. I'm just saying.

zoltan said...

If I ran the Raiders, I would look to sign a QB from the UFL after Thanksgiving.

TR said...

And the Raiders are 100% suprised the Jets just ran a fake punt. Weatherford goes for 20 directly up the middle. Thank God I can flick the dial to Dallas-Atlanta.

zoltan said...

I might get a coach from the UFL too.

zoltan said...

A minute and a half into the second quarter and the Bills haven't completed a pass yet.

zoltan said...

Scratch that. Crimson alum getting it done. Mah.

Mark said...

Miami is taking it right at the Saints' D with the run. Up 14-3 after Ricky Williams' 68 yard TD run.

TR said...

Late to mention this, but Mike Tomlin's shades were absolutely fantastic. They look like something Elvis would've worn. If he was a pimp. And black.

zoltan said...

I thought the exact same thing. I also thought "I should get a pair just like that" but then I looked at myself and changed my mind.

TR said...

Now Shaun Ellis is hurt, too! We just lost our best pot-smoking, drunk driving pass rusher.

TR said...

Good move, Z-Man. Tyler Durden could pull them off. But not you. Or me.

TR said...

The Bruce Gradkowski era is about to begin. Again. JaMarcus is jasulking on the bench in a skullie.

zoltan said...

I forgot about Shonn Greene. Maybe he'll step it up in Washington's absence.

zoltan said...

The Raiders also have Charlie Frye... time to go trolling through the UFL. I bet Vinny would play for the Raiders.

TR said...

Z-Man: Catch Langhorne Slim playing in the Travelers Group commercial? Those are big paydays for struggling musicians.

zoltan said...

Yeah, I've seen that ad a bunch of times. I have some Langhorne content for Monday.

zoltan said...

Bills took a 10 yard penalty at their own 14, then Fred Jackson was tacked for a safety.

TR said...

If Joe Girardi had a real pair of balls, he would sit Nick Swisher, start Gardner and bat him 9th. He'd still have Guzman as a pinch-runner on the bench. But he's sticking with the same line-up. I don't get it.

The NY media has been KILLING Girardi this entire series for managing like a deer in the headlights.

zoltan said...

I got the yardage wrong but the safety stands. Fantastic.

zoltan said...

Buffalo has mustered 25 yards of offense in 22 minutes of play. Over a yard per minute!

TR said...

Vinny Chase just played very well as he led the Jets on a TD drive. A couple good passes and one good audible.

zoltan said...

Gradkowski is putting on a JaMarcus-esque display.

zoltan said...

The Bills have had the ball 6 times. They have required more than 10 yards for a first down 5 times. This could be the least efficient offense in the league.

Mark said...

The Dolphins are absolutely killing the Saints.

Mark said...

Seriously...just physically dominating them on both sides of the ball.

zoltan said...

If you ever decide that tonight is the night you make quinoa for the first time, you should follow the directions on the box and don't try to improvise.

mayhugh said...

That second half by the Saints was pretty remarkable. I liked SP coaching to win the game, going for the TD at the end of the half rather than clocking it for a FG. I thought they'd lay an egg seeing as how last week was probably their super bowl, mentally.

mayhugh said...

And is Geoff blogging at all? I need to know what type of cheese to serve during a baseball playoff game.

zoltan said...

You should get some goat gouda and some parrano. Seriously. They have both at Trader Joe's and Whole Foods, so you can spend a lot or a little, whichever you prefer.

zoltan said...

What's the deal with Howie Long's hairline? He's receding only at the temples. Bidenesque.

rob said...

i left the saints' defense on my fantasy bench in anticipation of the eagles' demolition of the sherm-led skins on monday. neat.

Geoff said...

Zoltan gave you some fine suggestions. I also enjoy some manchego or some havarti with dill...but it also matters what you are serving with it. Natty light or ice?

zoltan said...

I second Geoff's manchego suggestion - it's a hard cheese that inexplicably melts in your mouth. Get the oldest available. Spring for some Leffe Blonde in case the cognoscenti show up.

Mark said...

Remember the comment I made about Sidney Ric being one of the best young WRS in the NFL? Yeah, well Ted Ginn is the exact opposite of that. I'm not even sure he knows he's wide receiver. He drops balls in ever imaginable way. Through his hands and off his face, by turning upfield to quickly and taking his eyes off the ball, not using body correctly and jumping to catch the ball at its highest point, by shrinking away from contact. He is terrible. Beyond terrible. I'm not even a Dolphins fan. I'm just amazed by how bad he is at his craft.

To top off the day for him, Tom Jackson called him out on primetime (or the blitz or whatever they call it)for basically being a pussy.

All that said, impressive win for the Saints. They never panicked and they executed great in the second half.

Camarillo's illegal forward pass penalty really changed the conclusion of the game. Miami looked had a nice drive going with about 2:30 to go before that penalty.

rob said...

the fuck is vlad guerrero doing?

zoltan said...

I got a Blackberry thinking it would enable me to breakdance like the woman in that commercial. It does not.

TR said...

I am sipping on my first Yuengling Light Lagers. Only 99 calories! Verdict is: not bad. Not as tasty as the real deal, but pretty decent. And they come in brown bottles.

TR said...

Mark McGwire is the new Cardinals hitting coach? Too bad Pujols already learned all of McGwire's "secrets."

zoltan said...

I couldn't tell the difference between Austin Collie and Miles Austin so I didn't pick either up in my fantasy league. Now I learn that Miles Austin is from Summit and he went to Monmouth. Why didn't I know this? Why didn't I pick him up? I'm stupid.

Shlara said...

So, I just got back from dinner at Pizza Paradiso. And I SWEAR Bill Simmons was sitting next to us. But I couldn't hear him very well, so I couldn't tell for sure, and didn't want to say something and it not be him.

Which means that now I have to go to ESPNZone tomorrow night for his book signing to see if it really was him sitting next to me tonight...

It's too bad TJ wasn't there with me, I'm sure he would have felt comfortable asking the dude if he was the sports guy..

TR said...

I'm pretty sure I speak for everyone here when I say I'm happy for the Kraftwerk revival, even if it comes at the hands of DJ Hero.

zoltan said...

Was Kraftwerk ever dead that it needed to be revived?

TR said...

The Saints are fixing to put up a big number of wins this year. They're 6-0 now and have these crap sandwiches on their plate: Carolina (twice), Tampa (twice), St. Louis and Washington. More difficult games: Dallas, New England, Atlanta (twice). They should be able to win 13.

Weird they've yet to play a division game in their first 6 games.

zoltan said...

And why does Fox show Rudy Guilliani all the time? They don't show Dinkins or Koch or Bloomberg.

TR said...

Pettite's at 85 pitches through the Torii Hunter at-bat. If he can put down Vlad the Impaler, he has a good chance to go 7. Mo takes the last two and and things would look good.

TR said...

I'm not afraid to jinx myself. Fuck me.

Shlara said...

Ok, so Politco confirmed that Bill Simmons was in town yesterday & was mingling with fans. That totally WAS him sitting next to me at the Paradiso bar last night...I can't believe I didn't say anything. I suck.

Dennis said...

I heard Mr. Simmons on the radio this morning, Shlara. Don't feel too broken up about not speaking with him; let's just say he's much more proficient with the written word.